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Questionable artwork and pedantic miscellany
March 25, 2015
Case studies of shipping-afflicted fandoms


Gosh look at how corny that guy is. I saw this picture years ago while briefly considering bowling for dollars and all I could think about was his corniness. I declared him King Corny at that point in time and since then have used him as a standard to judge the corniness of others.
For example, Philip Casnoff, who portrayed Frederic Trumper in the sick-fated Broadway version of Chess is Duke Corny. I decided that based on his voice in an audio recording, which does not suit this visual medium, and it is impossible to sing One Night in Bangkok without being corny anyhow, but it establishes that there is a hierarchy.


Captain Corny appeared in the 194eh film Showboat. Observe how he lets other people do the talking while he lingers behind to provide crucial corniness. He is less corny than King Corny, but he is still exceptionally corny.

This film is a remake of an earlier film also called Showboat in which Captain Corny was portrayed by a different actor who was nonetheless still corny. The captain is the one wearing the music-proof hat that says CAPTAIN on it, since he was concerned it was not obvious enough in the picture I just posted, and his astounding corniness has so clouded his mind that he has forgotten that in his timeline, the film I took the other picture from has not yet been made and in fact depends on his own being noteworthy for that to even be considered.


it is rumored that seeing The Hulk turns you corny.


Staff Sergeant Corny appeared in 1970s magazines. I drew a picture loosely based on his life once.

It has been stored in an apparently very smudgy place the last 3ish years but I think his message is still as relevant as it was in the 1970s: you are HIM and affluent and you lounge on your absurdly huge British lawn in gloomy weather just to flout your affluence and 1970sness. Women are someone else, and attracted to your presence, but they act bored once they get there.

He/you may or may not be a secret identity of


Bruno Brazil, akabaka Marquis di Corny. In the 1970s all the action heroes were grey-haired corny men with roughly rectangular-shaped heads.

The Vizier from this indeterminate version of Prince of Persia is not himself the prince of Persia, but he IS Prince Corny. He is so preoccupied with being corny that ignores the wizard who just jumped in his window.


Of course there are multiple sovereigns in this world. In France there is le Roi Corny.

Pay attention! I just told you.


I found this record in my attic recently, and after of several minutes cracking myself up saying “nat king cole was a merry nat soul” I considered that he might also be Nat King Corny. At that point I started writing this post and it was too significant an issue to be addressed the same day.


He may be related to King Kandy, who is also corny, but not king OF corny. He may hold the ceremonial title of King Korny but that is not officially recognized by the Corny Council. But why, of all possible alliterative candy themed hero names, did he have to be KING Kandy? Why not Captain Candy or Candy Commander or Candytastrophe? And why kandy with a K? Notice how the nerd instantly knows that he has transformed into King Kandy. He stutters while THINKING due to how stupid it is but even though he IS King Kandy and did not exist prior to that moment he has no power to call himself anything else. Not even King Kandy Korn, as an anonymom commentator suggested.

That may konstrue kopyright infringement against Kin Korn Karn anyhow.


These dorky thugs custom made to be beatable by King Kandy know that King Kandy IS King Kandy, with a K, even though all he does is think narration of his present situation and never at any point royally decrees “I am King Kandy.” That rogue band of Bono impersonators better watch out; they’re tangling with someone who can be foiled by carrying a paper towel around.

Recently it came to my attention, though less recently than Nat did, that the film Wreck-em’ Ralph featured a character named King Candy, but without a K, so he does not factor into my life, and shall not be pictured here.


However, Candy Land predates both, and ALSO has a King Kandy, and ONCE MORE with a K. This is a game for children and going out of its way to spell stuff wrong. Also there is no actual player input and you could rig the game by determining the number of participants and sorting the cards before playing, which would be cheating, but if you figure that out at the age of 4 you deserve to win. This King Kandy seems to have substantially altered his appearance at least three times through the years, but each has been more dopey than corny, and in none of those situations has he been a 6 foot tall regular proportioned man who yells/thought-projects out SOCKAMAGEE. However, never once has he spelled his name with a C, either (nor considered amending his diet), so clearly he is not bothered by the potential for mistaken identity.
Consider that candy is notorious for using artificial ingredients, and needing to mispell things like “chocolate” to be legally released from having to include any. King Kandy is so unnatural that he cannot even legally be called candy, and he MAKES the laws!


All Kings [c,/k]andy outrank San Fran Cisco’s notorious Candy Baron, even if he is adequately corny and seems to dress more respectably than any of them. You cannot see his whole body. He may also be covered in pink.

I cannot trust anyone! And worse still, I fear there are more corny stories to come.



February 13, 2014
changing the rules is what guys on cougartown do best

I have a comic update ready, but I am so disgusted with the character called “nemitz” at the moment that I need more time to prepare my presentation of grievances.

—————————————————


Nothing I like better after dinner than a good brand. Ah, what delectable trademarks. You can really taste the copyright. If I am feeling quite decadent I will sprinkle on some focus group.

In fact my hands are drawn to things which rhyme with them, so in the absence of a brands I will sometimes just have stands until the craving disbands. My life is rather bland. It did not turn out as I planned.

The red computer m&m with a face has passed beyond edgy attitude into brazen hostile jerkiness. This thing appears to genuinely hate its life shilling for the mass consumption of its tiny, speechless evolutionary forebears.
Got a problem with artificial gingerbread flavor being needlessly injected into bizarre forms where gingerbread flavor is not necessary or desired? Hey, shut up and shove it down your face hole, ya bloated apathete. You got somethin’ better ta do? I didn’t think so. Nyeahhhhh.


You may recall how last year pop secret genetic engineering experiments dating back to World War 2 were exposed, with the surviving progeny of the original subjects liberated at last. At this time they are gradually being introduced into the populace. You could learn from them, red computer m&m! They still remember what it means to be subjugated, and choose to embrace life and live it as best they can, shilling for the mass consupmtion of their tiny speechless evolutionary forebears.


More glorious stix. On the topic of embracing the bad position you have been given, SwirlStix has decided to unsheath the mystery flavor. And why not, I say, if we already use mystery ingredients. The stix have combined their ingredients in such a way as to produce something that the scientists agree has a taste, but they cannot identify a conventional earthly edible whose taste this vaguely resembles.

I had long presumed that Kirby was not at liberty to disclose the contents of the magic food bag, but perhaps, far from being pop secret, simply nobody knows.


Quite simply, due to the magic density, the magic food bag is opache and cannot be seen through. Placing your stix into a blox may assist you in determining their contents once you tire of holding them up, but it is only a temporary solution.

There is a solution to this but it was not known in Kirby’s time. The visual clarity of its contents notwithstanding, magic food bag is immensely superior to a regular food bag



Food Bag is so crummy that nobody would ever stop there, and thus the sign can only be photographed while speeding past it, requiring the resultant skewed-perspective picture to be stretched horizontally to be legible on a website, which makes it appear to be collapsing, which never completely occurs, a tantalizing affair. Food Bag, despite being horrid, is superior to foot bag.
On November 11 2007 I wrote a several-hundred word rambling anecdote about how stupid I think foot bag is that ends with “That sounds like a sock a hobo would wear” which I think is the most important point and the reason I went looking for the anecdote half an hour ago.

Which is not to say I was looking to look at one in action. Great gimpity. I cannot think of anything dumber than that.


I am going to ignore that as long as I am able.
I was inspired by an objectifying photograph of a woman kicking a lump in some most certainly awful publication with the corrrrrrrny caption “FOOT BAG BEAUTY” but that I otherwise neglected to collect any evidence of. Stop the presses: FOOT BAG BEAUTY. Calling all cars: FOOT BAG BEAUTY. Spy Kids 3D: FOOT BAG BEAUTY.

Additionally, Foot Bag concerns my sole experience with an Atari Lynx. On a terrible school bus ride, one student had a Sega Game Gear, and only awful licensed games. I myself also had a Game Gear and after that experience I became convinced and afraid of its badness. Particularly the audio component, the only component that could get me while on the bus if I was not within visual range, despite my comparatively functional selection of games. So then another student had an Atari Lynx, and seemingly only one cartridge, California Games, and it was worse. The worst California Game was “Foot Bag.” A mess of pixels vaguely identifiable as a human being kicked a smaller mess of pixels, with that being the goal in itself, and you, the player, used 20th century technology to press buttons to facilitate this without even needing to be near an electrical outlet for the 20 minutes or so your 16 double-A batteries lasted. After seeing the worst california game, I was convinced the Lynx must also be the worst game system, because if better games had been possible somebody surely would have made one, and I was presented with no evidence of this. Our state that spanning most latitude and containing the most people and these were the best games software company Epyx could come up with to define the whole, and then ported this to every video platform. It makes me want to go back in time 18 years and die abruptly after playing it.


Foot bag is not an event! At best it is a prevent.

According to wikehhhpedia that foot bag portion of the game specifically was coded by Ken Nicholson, who also invented DirectX, which meant I could not install a game on my computer without hassle for the next ten years. Later the XBox video “game” system was itself named for the X in DirectX, which brought recreation of actions I had no interest in to new heights of realism and popularity, and therefAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY FOOT’S BEEN BAGGED


I think that reaction is in excess of what is called for.



January 7, 2014
Christmas is coming and all through the land people are decorating with Command brand

ah ya know what I’ll tell you tomorrow

==================================================

december 28:
watch as 3 months of “get ready for christmas” have abruptly transitioned into 6 months of “you’re too fat! get ready for summer”

Whatsamatter there Donald? Need a hand? Oh huh huh that’s right I DON’T HAVE ONE!

These two must hate each other.

They will never band together to take down the man who mocks them and demands their obedience from a position of luxury. Rise up!

Grah no get small again! Finally a store display accurately reflects how sad these would be if most people actually bought and set them up.

the only thing more horrifying than a face appearing in my drink is having to personally grasp it by the eye-voids to remove it.

Another kitchen implement that has a face for some/no reason. I feel like I have seen it somehwere before, though.


Nope, my mistake.

What? Oh hello! Yes, I thought that was you. Well get over it, it is not my fault you look so much alike! Some people are sensitive about everything.

I need to get away from them!



January 1, 2014
He retired from show business soon afterwards[2] and worked in a managerial position in a zipper factory.


2013 in pictures
calm down!

january



february


march


april


may


june


july


august


september


october


november


december



angry new year!

stop that! There is already more than enough stupid in here to sum up several years. Go home!

I mean go to someone else’s home!



May 11, 2013
In 1985, Mr Potato Head played a supporting role in Potato Head Kids, his first dramatic television appearance.

I have never been more proud of my mother.

Hey bimshwel, tomorrow is mother’s day. I am your mother. Why don’t you talk to me?
Are you ashamed of me, bimshwel? Is it because I discovered the secret to clean teeth that dentists hate me for?
Is it because of the time I told you I was taking you to

Cars Land and it was just Dan Perkins Subaru of Milford? And then you watched me get arrested because the staff recognized me from the surveillance video as the person who went around painting creepy cartoon eyes on all the windshields? I don’t know what your problem is. You didn’t have to watch.

Just like you didn’t have to watch me watch television while wearing yellow wrestling boots and potentially something else. I can do what I like in MY house. Anyway, the last time I saw this picture it was on YOUR webpage. Whose fault is that?

oh no?

Oh no, somebody escaped!

Oh no, a Tintin tin!

Oh no, the Harvest Hobgoblin!

So you see things can be far worse. I have had enough tragedies for many days!



December 31, 2012
Players control Marty as he makes away across the train, collecting speed logs necessary to get the train up to 88 miles per hour (142 km/h) while fending off enemies and avoiding obstacles such as hooks or puffs of smoke.

2012 in pictures

i had meant to deliver a crucial skeleton update before now, but I [was attacked by skeletons] and so it will have to wait.

















That is this. More importantly, that is that.



December 22, 2012
let me show you how country feels

I have witnessed the hobbit film and I do wonder why I fussed over the movie dorks changing the story to make it match the other movies better; that was precisely what I had hoped they would do. I had little interest in this film as long as I knew precisely what was coming next.

I still question the need to have “pretty” dwarves; when I saw those guys with human noses and no beards in the promotional image on the previous occasion, I just assumed one of them was Aragorn, the non-dwarf man from the other film series, whose presence would be superfluous and require me to accept that he was at least 90 years old in the other films. In fact, they are Kili and Fili Fili and Kili, who are indeed “supposed” to be with the company (which makes me wonder why they are deserting it in that picture) and, true to the source book, distinguishable from the other dwarves.
Obviously dwarves are not born old and bearded (right?) but surely they don’t abruptly grow fat prosthetic noses and British accents once they reach their prime ages. It probably makes financial sense, again, to have a designated “heartthrob” character, and rather depressing that we must absolutely bow to this whim. Anyway it works for Filly And Killy, who are designated the closest thing to that “role,” but I don’t believe Thorin, the boss dwarf, as a young type. His authority comes from his ties to the old dwarf kingdom, so he should be old, or at least really dwarfy. He gets enough screen time that he can be distinctive without looking like Aragaragorn. He has some nice battle wounds gained by conflict new for the film that only seems there to help him get battle wounds, but he is still fundamentally pretty. If you want to make a movie with pretty warriors who fight forever for no reason, adapt a Final Fantasy game.


My only real problem with this is those stupid boots pointing up.

As things are, the director Peter Jackson in his publicity attire looks more dwarfy and less groomed than Thorin does in full costume after weeks of marching, camping, and not bathing. I have also decided against posting any pictures of Peter Jackson on this web-page.
But that is all trickery! Movie magic!

let us talk about something natural.

Does this look all natural to you?

Does this look even partially natural?


The only thing I like more than creepy shiny symmetrical computer people are bright red open mouths. Also, that statement was insincere. This is important because I told you.

Now, with my school classes currently concluded, I do, in theory, I have time to finish some of the long and baffling incomplete website objects which I have accumulated in the past four months.

NO ME LIKE BAFFLING SERIES OF NONSEQUITURS WITH NO ENDING BETTER. ME PUNISH.


However, I will probably play old video games I have completed before and continue posting half-thoughts at about the same interval as before, now that I have gotten used to not doing it very often.

I am kidding; I can also play newer remakes of older games



Additionally I can play slightly older remakes of equally old games

I can play slightly newer remakes of slightly less– excuse me, am I boring you?

I can also play Wanderers From Ys


that’s what I thought. I am glad you are behaving reasonably.


Well, well, I I I…



May 20, 2012
07 Beef Shop in the Forest

Good news! I did not transform into a turnip.

=====================================================



Margarita salt, made from salt. Nothing else. You might be curious how that makes it inherently margarita-y and not just a box of salt but I remind you that it is shaped like a hat.

I spent more time confined to an automobile today than I expected and productivity was mysteriously minimal, and thus I have only a hastily assembled bad website entry rather than a laborious bad website entry.
I was fortunate to dispatch this crucial transmission at all.



Fortunately the car party was eventually directed to safety by the magical yellow shrek ghost that appeared from amongst the Food Lion generic Lucky Charms. It’s an interesting reversal; the lucky charms come out of the leprechaun, but the shrek ghost is born directly of the cereal. Pardon me, did I say interesting, I meant… well in fact I am interested by that idea.
I had become distressed in recent years that the store brand totally necessary cereal mascots were better than the national brands they were supposed to be worse than. It was kind and benevolent of the vicious, dynastic lion to set things back as they ought to be. There was a cereal called “fruit rings” whose character was so dopey looking that I didn’t want a picture of it and didn’t think I’d have anything to say about it. Yesp.

This will do, however. Look, it’s even blurry. That’s just unprofessional.


Good news, it’s kosher. Bad news, there is no god and thus nobody to care that your mutant cowboy pickles are cloven-hoofed ruminants.
I had never been to a Food Lion store before. Not just because my house is 500 or more miles from any but also because lions are just dangerous. This is exhibited in the lion’s unwillingness to carry natural foods or low sodium variants of products. I was fortunate to escape with my life. This product is notable because in most other stores this would be the worst merchandising character I found.


I do not consider movie cinemas stores.

This, I was referring to. This can probably be found in other joints than Food Lion. However, I generally cannot also be found in them. Because in those situations I hide or wear a disguise.

I did say most other stores. As I’ve only been inside an Aldi one time my “most” holds up. I believe it was the great sage Eminem who spoke “be smart, don’t be a retart.” However, he never warned me about becoming a toast-tart, and thus I did. This is not a picture of me, though. I just told you I wear a disguise! You’d never recognize me in my fancy hat. I hire a salt company to smuggle them inside of stores for me in case I forget.


Millville can put shiny photoshop eyes and a mouth on anything. Don’t think they won’t. Please don’t challenge them.


An inifinite possible number of seperate, ever thinner, fully sentient, utterly immobile bread slice face-oids can be yours for less than the price of a box of cereal from most reputable dealers and precisely equal that price from millville.


The psychotic turtle is probably the sanest of the many millville mascots, and therefore the least interesting. In fact I’m so bored I’m turning this website entry off. I suggest you do the same!



December 31, 2011
I REFUSE TO EXCHANGE MY CRYSTAL FOR YOURS

If the government has the power to give itself more power, then doesn’t it already have that power? The fussing and video linking I encounter decreasingly have meaning to me.

=============================================

If I’ve learned one thing in twenty-eight years clearly I have not been holding myself to a very high standard.
=============================================

2011 in Pictures

Usually I post this in my liverjournal but I haven’t read that in two years so I can’t reasonably expect that anybody else has either.
Also, usually I try to limit the list to one picture per month but I never succeed so this time I didn’t bother. I think you’ll agree that all of this is absolutely relevant.


January

February


March


April


May


June


July

August


September


October


November

December

This really helps you to see at the big picture; you can now easily compare them all to see which it is.



June 30, 2011
Mad Cobra Meets Lt. Stitchie & Beenie Man


======================================

Now I understand why pog does not talk about its family much

Hi want some ice?

I’m proud of you

However absurd a concept, Doom’s day prophecy seems like kind of a grim topic to be joke fodder for a soup discount. Although on that note, “adventure shopping” carries the slightest implication that I may not survive the journey.

Abuelita is my favorite grandma-flavored drink mix.

Harlot Ben Franklin is another good one.

Welcome to America, where we heat-seal plastic bags full of twigs we just found and sell them to you. Skipping stoanz packed in styrofoam coming this July! I expect nothing less than perfection from a product that can’t even legally call itself a “stick.”

Well I’m glad somebody‘s paying attention.

World’s poutiest man sums up our collective populist angst.

Deih deih d’dee that’s all folks!



Nobody I know has a website anymore

Mr. Sr. Mxy
Nowhere
Titash
pc72
Pickford
Gilhodes (bah you need a facebook account to see)
video game music database
pacific novelty
Green Lantern Head Trauma

them`s fightin` woids: September 20, 2017
Purplespace sez:
I suppose all I can add is what annoys me about all these arguments. I dislike when people...
September 14, 2017
Frimpinheap sez:
That is certainly faster than what I did, but it would feel too vague, to me.
September 14, 2017
Indighost sez:
I just have one thing to say on this topic: Bleh
September 7, 2017
Indighost sez:
I like it.
September 2, 2017
Purplespace sez:
The new colors look very nice.
August 30, 2017
Indighost sez:
Ironic :)
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