Artwork
Exhibitions
Web-log
Comic strips
Animation
About page
icon4 icon19 icon7 icon10 icon16 icon19 icon25








Questionable artwork and pedantic miscellany
November 12, 2017
After a hilarious sleepover, a visit to a zoo rainforest exhibit, and Norman’s attempts to teach Fluffy karate, the three plants team up to foil some bad guys.

A commission animation “icon” for goldquiver, showing a bat creature which transforms into a plant creature, and then back again, and then unback again, and on like that for a very long time. Feel free to wait.
I have proved with my comic pages that I can spend a week and show very little. With this I dedicated to show even less happening!

They ALWAYS smile at the end. They NEVER think whatever painful thing they just experienced will EVER happen again, no matter HOW many times it repeats. Fools!



May 31, 2017
This serves to warn the player that if Arthur does not find a way to get his armor back, the next hit from an opponent will be fatal. This usually turns him into a skeleton, and the game ends.

Concurrent with the 512×512 pixel matter, I offered drawings at smaller sizes, with 100×100 resolution being the most common request. I did not realize what a big deal it was to be able to draw like this until I realized how many people could not. Eventually they started paying me to do it. Not enough that I could feel like I had done something with my life, but at present I can buy more pizzas than I can eat, which feels important.


Icons that I initially used for myself. None is especially excusable.

Fastest gun in the wasp, November 2013
A character called Miso for a person called Miso but who presumably does not look like this, stuffed into a tiny 100×100 pixel box but not at all deterred. This was before I gave people many/any options so theoretically I could come up with a better pose than this.


You shall meet with my raccs, 2014 or sooner
Relaxingdragon wanted these at some point. Rare examples of the 200×200 size, which is still small enough that I do not totally lose my mind with it, although I did not develop the habit of losing my mind on pixel-level work until 2016, so that may be a presumptuous statement.


Icon see you’re upset June 9, 2016
pengosolvent recently inquired about a new representative 50×50 pixel symbol but something alarming has occurred. These are smaller, only 50×50 pixels, because the deviant-art website restricts user representations to that size. And I drew four because I usually give people 2-4 different layouts to choose from, but need to color them in, to some degree, for them to be legible, and on this occasion colored in all four fully without being asked to.


The pickax papers, December 17, 2015
A newer Miso, also for Miso. I had been asked to make an icon similar to the old one, and took that as permission to be equally boring with the poses. And again I could not restrain myself from finishing all example versions! The upper left is the one we went with, and therefore it is slightly more “finished” than the others. Appropriately enough it is considerably more proud of itself. The creature this is derived from is called a tawny mining bee, and I took THAT as permission to add mining implements, including an all important flannel shirt, even though those are more stereo-type associated with logging, because it seemed unlikely somebody would send a logging bee my way any time in the near future.


Clippity-clopsicle October 20, 2016
For kinn-katze, a horse creature named Ryno ponders something likely unrelated to being named after a different species, since that is the type of thing you generally have to sort out early in life.


who do lu think lu are? November 17, 2016
100×100 and 50×50 pixel icon robisions of a flagrantly asymmetrical creature called Lulu known to Fairyartery
I just realized I use that “finger touching mouth” gesture way too often. Although I always give people the opportunity to request a different gesture!


is that who i think tiz December 8, 2016
Ah yes, ’tis Tiz, from something called Bravely Second, for boooey.
After this I decided every icon I make should have something resembling a backdrop, even if the buyer personally uses a version that doesn’t, because some sites are very stupid about transparency. And some sites aren’t but stuff looks bad on them anyway, hint hint.


robb from the pix to give to the four, December 22, 2016
a hoofless yet horsely creature named Robbie, unrelated to Ryno’s horsely creature, in fact for boooey again. The hair changes its mind based on whatever eye it feels is more fashionable to show at any moment. Also, after examining the previous two items, it became conscious of the possibility for vision problems resulting from prolonged obscured vision of a single eye.


hotel kotel holiday inn, January 5, 2017
for Kotel First is a bat creature also called Kotel, with and without wings, and a more opussummy figure called Obeah whose enthusiasm has been taken out of context to pertain to the winged bat’s error, potentially a consequence of trying to escape from a 100×100 pixel space.


therefore four hares, January 19, 2017
100×100 pixel icons of a hare creature named Lewis for Arito, who was pleasant to work with; I wish I could say the same for this devious dirt-dweller.
After THIS point I realized that flat colors were inadequate for “something resembling a backdrop.”
A progress video of a sort, showing approximately how I colored this


goat tell it on the mountain, January 26, 2017
A goatly creature called Lutka, pixel-styled for trufours. Seems to be having a rough day.


let that synx in, January 26, 2017
another pixel drawing for :icontrufours: of Xiu, who is a synx, and apparently there are more synxes in the world than I thought! Initially there was somebody called Chimerasynx who came up with and drew these things and they have no spines and can twist in silly ways and have more teeth than is reasonable, and at some point they got franchised out, I suppose. This one looks friendly enough, fortunately.

I hope you are not getting sick of these; there is another bigger one coming!


well-financed flop, February 2, 2017
More pixelry for arito, this time of Shani, an apparently easily-worried saber cat. Plus a rinkity dinkity background I added quickly at the end for reasons already cited! Of course I don’t have a video showing this, the one part people have expressed to me sincere bafflement at how to produce.


do the rat thing, February 16, 2017
For kjorteo. There looks to have been some disconcerting events recently! And then this happened.


rats and beans, February 16, 2017
also for kjorteo, whose requests’ shape necessitated separating it from the other one! This looks to be alarming news for the protagonist. Although clearly it had been seen from quite a way off!


tanuki tea look-see, April 20, 2017
For perikaryon, showing a raccoon-dog investigating a hot drink. It is probably coffee but there is a chance it is tea. Possibly there is a better tool to use in determining the drink’s nature.

Amitz all this people started asking me for animated icons, which take 4-8 times as long to make, but I can charge 3 times as much for them without potential buyers recoiling in horror and abandoning the idea! That is real progress. Still less time than it takes to put one of these website entries together, but nonetheless I am done with this one for now, and hopefully for some time afterward, and so I shall exhibit those here on another occasion.



May 7, 2016
we used a blowtorch to burn gravy on to this oven door


As long as I am going to have no friends in social media I had better deserve it.

—————————-


Rotten Tomatoes went from a website for people to identify ROTTEN films to one for corporate entities to imply that average films are exceptional. Which is, essentially, the OPPOSITE of its intended purpose: to sort through the rubbish hype.
If I hear one more movie ad reference its Rotten Tomatoes score I am going to punch the tv, And that is going to hurt my hand, which will not be productive!
I NEVER heard that happen in the 170 years of Rotten Tomatoes’ existence, then this year suddenly I have heard it at least five times. And I do not expose myself to television deliberately. It is probably much more rampant than that.
“95% on rotten tomatoes” just means 95% of reviews didn’t say the film was TERRIBLE. There is more to great than a lack of worst.

I think I heard it first for Spot-Light, then Zutopia and I lost track after that despite the scores being so ludicrously high that the described items should be immediately unforgettable.
I actually saw Spoflight, and while it has an interesting story, it is not a stellar cinema experience. I didn’t even think Mad Max Fluffy Robe was stellar, and while it predated the rotten tomatoes fad, It was apparently the only action movie ever allowed to win awards. I appreciate that it got fight to the point and didn’t fixate on irrelevant non-participants for half its run-time like the Transformers movies did, but its action portions were just as cluttered, zoomed in, camera-changey and indecipherable. And I resent any adventure that turns around and goes back the way it came. I don’t even go back the way I came when I go for a walk. I have compromised my personal safety to not be bored in this miserable overpriced dead-end boat town. In a movie whose base premise is the absence of safety, you can Find a different route! Or else what were you running from?

The tomato system is not any more accurate and inarguable than the thumbs-up/down system that once was a ubiquitous citation in movie advertisements, but it SOUNDS like it is, since it has a specific number. Wow that is 95 out of 100 instead of 4 out of 5 or 2 out of 2! That is so statisticy!

Additionally, the thumbs at least belonged to certain people. I do not consider any film critic a general, unimpeachable authority on entertainment, but it is possible to personally trust the opinion of an individual human on individual matters. Those tomatoes could be anybody. And a percentile does not indicate the total number of people who voted, either. I suppose to get to 99, depending on how you round it, requires at least 34 participants, since I have never seen a decimal score. But still we don’t know that 33 of those 34 thought toozopia was GREAT. Maybe most of them did, we don’t know, but I don’t believe 99% of zootopia viewers thought it was better than 99% of every movie they have seen, which is what I am intended to think. That it is one minor scrap away from perfection, and I can tell from here that it isn’t. My guess is it is more j-j abrams brand minimum level of effectiveness that doesn’t offend anyone in its intended audience. I have so little faith in the current culture to create stellar films that advertising which implies it happens constantly, to near PERFECTION, is suspicious to me.


undoubtedly no effort was spared in creating a city essentially identical to a real one except with every human shape changed to a humanized animal shape with an accompanying stupid animal pun to refer to it, but that just does not appeal to me Especially not after Pixar, now a wholly-owned subsidiary of the disney company and indistinguishable from it, has already done this about fifteen times, with monsters, insects, automobiles, or whatever. I’m even tired of remarking on how unappealing I find it! I was going to keep it to myself, because honestly I don’t have time to make my thought coherent but my rotten tomato gripe flowed into it and I have no choice.

My biases did not develop independent of the world. they have validity, somewhere. i did not choose to cringe when stuck in a cinema showing a preview for this. Ha ha ha! They are at the D M V and they hate it! Just like YOU hate it! Right? Therefore you RELATE and you feel validated by this experience and demand nothing more from it!


I am open to the idea that there is more to the film than that, but it makes no effort to imply that there is, nor do any of the fans of it whom I have encountered, even two months on. I certainly do not accept that it is one point off from perfect. Of course by now its score is only 98 percent! ha HA! also, Hoodboy, from 2014, has 98%, and I actually saw that and had more problems with it than I hypothetically anticipate having with zootopia. The Wrestler, my personal quintessential critically acclaimed aimless misery –literally the first movie I cite when the topic comes up– also has a solid 98% on rotten tomatoes. I wouldn’t even give The Wrestler a rotten pineapple. Toy Story 3, which I found bearable but frustrating and objectionable has 99% points. The two before it both have 100 despite being built on the same “don’t acknowledge master” premise that I can’t get past.

Singing in the Rain, which I do like, better than most films I have seen, having been able to see it without considerable hype that I was aware of preceding the viewing, is on there with a 100% score as well. But I hate that “Moses Supposes” song and the 1-dimensional treatment of the nontagonist Lina Lamont, and Donald O’Connor yelling out “mammy” several times for no clear reason. The “Gotta Dance” segment is incongruous with the rest of the picture, and doesn’t even make sense in the movie-within-a-movie-context it is presented as belonging to.
SO I like the film better than most I have seen, certainly better than its contemporary iThe Band Wagon, in which EVERY musical number is annoying and/or incongruous, but 100% implies perfection, which it is a long way from.


To contrast, the film I have watched within the past few years that I perhaps enjoyed best, 1980’s Flash Gordon, has a tomato score of 82%, which is probably about right; I am sure it has just as much stuff wrong with it as Singing in the Rain, and 82% is a pretty good time, for me. I can’t really hope for more than that, knowing me. Maleficent, which I found totally loathsome, and had just as much paid promotion and dumb fan hype as Zuzutopia, possibly slightly less porn fan-art, has 47% tomato points. However its “audience score” of 71% is higher than Flash’s 69%. What does all this mean? It means nothing! That’s my point! None of these figures have any value behind them. If a movie that real people LOVE has a low score from purportedly more valid people, and a movie that only I like has a high score, and a movie that is not really any better has a yet higher score, then the scores are garbage.

The television ad for zootopia literally says “residents of zootopia are just like you.” as if there is literally nothing else going on than another hideous 3d animated allegory of society with a few superficial things changed. The announcer doesn’t even add a big EXCEPT like game over 13 years ago. Why then are these residents interesting? Their appearances are, apparently, superficial. How does this remain fun and new to people?

The other cinema poster, that I didn’t take a picture of, because I hated the idea of somebody seeing me take that picture and assuming I just thought it was clever, shows a restroom door with different sized inset doors for animal people of different sizes. I do not want to watch a movie about people “just like [me]” going to use the toilet. Meanwhile, despite forcing all these differently shaped species into one excretion chamber, the sexes are still segregated down a strictly this or that line. They choose their human fashions based on binary sex rather than a limitless multiplicity of species that ought to create more specific needs. Maybe that is even addressed in the film. Although “addressed” does not mean “resolved,” or even “addressed in a meaningful fashion.” And the promotion implies that it is a-bcdefghijklmn-ok anyhow. I received enough addressed-without-resolution gags in Deadpool, where they work because that movie doesn’t think it is telling me something about society. Also its smug scumbag main character gets plenty of abuse for being one, which I appreciate.
With that said, telling me the zootopia fox takes a bullet through the rectum isn’t going to change my plan.

Nor will telling me the rabbit is actually the main character. It would be most implausible to shoot them both that way with the same bullet.



October 9, 2015
If anyone in Germany can afford good socks, it’s Hitler

A matter begun here
And continued here:

As implied earlier, this weekend I will be participating in Artspace City Wide Open Studios’ Alternative Space Weekend, which certainly seems like a long title when I make the whole thing a link.


Of note is that while the official address is 290 Goffe Street in New Haven Connecticut, United Statia, you actually enter via Hudson “One way that is probably not the direction you will be approaching in” Street,


through a gate adorned with signs warning you not to go through it, plus generous helpings of razor wire across the prison’s perimeter on the right. Or maybe I just have to enter on Hudson Street while hanging things up, and the front gate will have been breached by the time guests arrive. Honestly I am unsure, but I assure you it is possible to get in there since I have succeeded on 2 out of 3 attempts.


I will be in room 216c, on the first floor obviously, available to receive complaints noon to 6pm both days.
Observe how the view from outside the room highlights the windows and the radiator, where I cannot hang anything up. I don’t want to creep anybody out until they are in too deep to change their minds. There are numerous other artists also who will, with any luck, be more interesting and/or creepy than I am, so come to see them also in case I am not doing it for you.
I will be attempting to sell original artwork, digital art prints, greeting cards, and any other thing I can grab that legally I have some creative claim to and can also fit on the $30 folding table I just bought.

That’s right you get to see a BRAND NEW folding table fresh off the Wal-Mart rack where, judging by the condition of the others I had to move to get to this one, they have been waiting unpurchased about eight years.


This is from the Autism Services & Resources Connecticut Walk for Autism back in May, where people walk to raise money for more autism. This scene proves that I can fill eight feet of table with stupid junk. These tables belonged to the event organizer and I only have a four foot table now, so imagine how exciting it will be to see all this crammed into half the space.


Although there is no rest room, there is a toilet on the premises. Because, you know, art. But think of how much more artistic the installation will be if you use it during the exhibition.


In fact I deliberately abstained from putting a toilet in my painting because I was so certain toilets would be in abundance among other participants’ works. I am not one of those people who wants to abuse society by declaring you should give me money because I just found something gross in the street and wrote my name on it. I just think toilets are funny. But I do not think things that go in toilets or people on toilets are funny. As this is my first time at the Open Studio, I decided to not risk being misunderstood.


Obviously this abandoned toilet I saw in Paris would not count as finding something gross in the street since in France people make sure their toilets are clean and not-at-all gross before tossing them out of windows. Truly this is a city of fine art.


But they keep this sign nearby just in case.



August 13, 2015
Just a minute, boys. I’ve got the feed box noise


Wordpress, the system that manages this website content, is agony.
Do you see the list of recent posts on this page? That truly basic, unimpressive list? It took me all yesterday to implement. I thought it would surely be faster to find an automatic method to make the system check for new posts and order them by date than for me to manually manage that list myself.
I sought out the wordpress forums, and turned up old posts on the topic. At each stage I found an existing request for help with my problem:

How do i show a list of recent posts?

use this bit of code

Great, but it only works on the sidebar. How do I put it in the main post space?

use the recent posts widget.

My theme is outdated; how do I enable widgets?

put this piece of code in one file, and another piece of code in another file.

Widgets ALSO only work on the sidebar.

get this widget-manipulator plugin.

Drat, the widget is showing up on every page instead of just one page

get this widget manipulator-manipulator plugin

Wonderful, now it is on just one page. How do I change the appearance of the post list?

don’t use widgets. Just add a little bit of code to your sidebar. Also this is from 4 years ago so you can’t reply and tell me that the whole point is to NOT use the sidebar. CLOSED. SOLVED.

Everybody gives the scantest possible amount of information to get rid of you, and then the junk still does not work. At that point I would need to find a post that simultaneously requested a solution to the base problem, the sidebar problem and the appearance problem, as a prior request does not exist. In the case when I asked about a problem for myself, nobody answered and the topic was closed despite being unresolved, because they only have easy answers and would rather ignore something that confounds them than admit to not knowing. Or maybe I seemed like somebody who would call out an easy answer for being useless.


Oh yikes, this person actually explained a problem in detail, that means I can’t offer a dumb non-solution and be proud of myself. Without being criticized for it.

I should explain that wordpress uses “themes” to allow users to change their sites’ appearances easily from a guided-user-interface, without editing code. But that only allows certain basic changes. “Widgets” were a later addition to themes that allowed even more changes, but could not themselves be changed. And still only worked on sidebars. “Plug-ins” are different from widgets, because they are not integrated into the wordpress code, which ironically makes them easier to force to work WITH wordpress the way I want them to. So I need to dig into the code anyway, every time, for everything, and test it 800 times until it works or I find a disappointing but functional compromise to fall back on, which I hate doing, which is why I use the same graphics for months or years at a time instead of one month each like I formerly did before I installed wordpress. The whole thing barely works and needs constant encouragement.

Why is a basic reasonable thing: having a list of posts NOT be on the SIDE of the page, so improbable and impossible that the developers did not anticipate it being necessary and none of the dorks who understand this stuff in their spare time ever saw a need to figure it out? The exact same garbage happened for my automated comic strip site-section (although it was over the number of pages displayed at once and not the folder issue), and the coppermine art gallery mechanism. And for Zdoom, ten years ago, which is why I never finished the dingdang thing and still mentally fixate on it. Every time every time every time. the thing I want is always just outside of permissible, for no reason that is apparent. So I have to figure it out or leave it behind.
I have had various diagnoses throughout my life; tourette syndome here, asperger syndrome there, high functioning autism, disco fever, what-have-you-ever. These mean that I need help with some things. But if nobody can provide help, is it really me who is disabled? Outside the internet, I am surrounded by people who drink themselves sick, smash their expensive telephones, misplace their cars, will not read their own mail, will not let themselves become aware of their bills, stereotype and condemn anyone whose opinion differs, adopt pets they cannot look after (and dump those pets on me), buy junk they cannot afford, and then do not use or return the junk. Am I disabled just because I cannot instantly bond with any yahoo off the street over my own screwups? Hey I broke my wrist assaulting a piece of architecture too! That makes us normal! Let’s go spend $300 on two cups of beer!

Technology that is supposed to make life easier and be so “professional”-looking becomes itself such a massive burden that we give up on things that we might have finished had the technology not insisted on becoming so gosh darn convenient. And when I persevere it is only through hacky patchwork repairs that look uglier than if I had just stuck with the outdated thing I was replacing. The outdated thing that has all its data in one file, in one folder. Then a useless idiot happens along and tells me I should have been using this or that BETTER miracle system from the beginning.

Once again the only way to get what I want is to edit the actual wordpress files outside of the theme stuff. Which are in different folders, and inevitably lead to copies downloaded and new versions uploaded to the wrong folder amidst all the folder switching I will have to do trying to bring the css and php into accord. And when wordpress has a new version, it updates itself, quite without asking, and thinks nothing of overwriting my changes outside the theme folder, even if it has not itself changed the files that I edited. So I may end up needing to fix it every time the version changes. But I am capable of changing it! I am capable of fixing it! For the time being I have control. That is what life is about for losers: you find a way to co-exist with things that are set up to make you give up. You do not win, but you keep yourself from losing completely. And watch out for widgets that pretend to be your pal but just want to hold you back and expect rewards for it.

And I may in the end decide that the “page” view does not work for me anyway, and opt for something outside of wordpress, to which I can add some customized mechanism that reads wordpress excerpts without messing anything else up because it is not itself built on wordpress. But I will have dropped the wordpress option because I thought it looked bad, not because dorkhnical support refused to support me.

This is not a mopey entry. This is how I conquer mopiness.



August 12, 2014
in titles of music, THIS is a dancer, and it’s gonna get ya


Apparently I had “published” this at some point prior to completion and not realized it, since the primary clue is that the word “publish” has switched to “update” in an inconspicuous location. Since it was necessary to edit an older entry that I linked to, I had been using the update button on that one, and so probably mistook the publish button on the new entry for the update button it did not yet have, when I should have clicked on “save draft,” which is in a different place, even though it has the same purpose on a non-public entry as “update” does on one that is visible, on which the old save button vanishes. Does that make sense? No, it does not!
Anywuh,


breaking news [a week ago]: arbiter of notability has opinion on arbiter of history.
Jimmy Wales is the founder of wikipedia, the encyclopedia that anybody can put an article on that any administrator can delete on the grounds of it not being “notable.” Proof of notability is typically determined by appearances or references to a topic in advertising and cartoons. So if you want to make something notable, rob a bank and buy an ad on a cartoon that wikipedia administrators watch. Or go back in time and insert it into an obnoxious compuserve chain letter from 1993.

The only arbiter I trust is Bjorn Skifs,

for, you see, he knows the score.

however, the recent release and big money ticket sales of Guardians of the Galaxy troubles me. All I knew about it prior to viewing was that there was a talking raccoon in it and that Bjorn Skifs got money for it. The film includes a character whose power comes from a secret cassette tape of corny radio hits from previous decades. Which is also what happens in the low budget, beat-top-gun-to-market schlockbuster Iron Eagle but people actually paid to see this one. One of the songs heavily featured is the 1970s song Hooked on a Phonics Feeling, which Bjorn Skifs sang the lead vocals on, and it became a number one america hit song when it was released.

Skifs only became the Arbiter in 1984, ten years later, and it did not bring him the same level of recognition due to the song being less horrible. By then he had spent most of his Hooked on a Feeling money on extra zippers, height implants for his boots and one night in Bangkok, so his powers of arbitration were kept under control.
But now, with his old song in a hit movie, he must be getting big royalties. I estimate that every time an advertisement for the film airs on television, Bjorn Skifs gets one cent. By this point he probably has enough money to see the movie for free. Maybe even a 3d screening. How is that fair? He thinks he is such hot stuff now, we will probably never get rid of him.


Oh, OH, like this is my fault? What a trick! Now any time I walk near a brick building I need to worry that Bjorn Skifs will be lurking about in a camouflage brown 1970s suit, ready to step out of a doorway with just one leg so I need to slightly adjust my path to get past him. And fleepsy forbid I want to go IN that doorway, right? You think just because you won the second annual Karamelodiktstipendiet (Gold Neckerchief) that you can do this to me? I am not going to stand for… what? Oh gosh. Oh dear oh gosh


With no one left to arbitrate our dispute, I had no choice but to do as Bjorn Skifs demanded, and take advantage of his sporting head start to seek safety. At some point I managed to lose him, by running past a building made of concrete, and took refuge in my stylishly dilapidated 1920s apartment for several days. I think… yes I think it is safe to go down now. He would have gotten me by now, surely, if he was going to.


And then Bjorn Skifs murdered me. The end.



July 17, 2014
coming up next: did joyriding aliens tear up the red planet?

Oh, so much to say. Which means I cannot focus enough to say any of it.
================================

Only Spider-Man, or Scooby Doo.
Gosh can I think of a more absurd and inexplicable cross-over?

Scooby Doo Wrestlemania Family. This seems absurd, but it fits in perfectly with our culture of pretending we are beyond the advertainment of previous decades while continuing to engage in it. This may even be less synergistic than John Cena’s previous subject, since this does not also involve a cereal company. I assume this film ends with Fred pulling off Rey Mysterio’s mask to reveal he was Oscar Gutierrez all along.

Upon further reflection, I must consider that these things are so self-referential now that some mask-related remarks are almost certainly in the script.

Purplespace, in a comment, reminded me about The New Scooby Doo Movies series named such due to the hour-long length of the episodes (and you can be certain those have enough action and plot development to fill a whole 10 minutes). I had forgotten about the precedent set there, although in that situation the guest stars were usually out of place, since their professions were typically not conducive to scooby-doing. The Gang would be at a carnival or an undersea research laboratory and then suddenly “Hey gang, look! It’s Laurel and Hardy! Even though they’ve been dead for 30 years!” Or maybe just Hardy was dead, assuming he is the fat one. They certainly were not an ACT at that point.

I assume Scooby Doo at Wrestlemania involves meeting branded, living wrestlers employed specifically by the WWE at the time the film was made. Andre the Giant and Ludwig Borga won’t just be standing around waiting to be invited to help solve a mystery that has nothing to do with wrestling or promoting Vince McMahon’s current whims.

In fact this film is a decade and a half overdue; I thought it was a joke, but Space Jam was big money, right? I don’t know why there weren’t more weird mergers of old style white people cartoons with new-style not necessarily race-exclusionary sporting culture. Apart from all the weirdly-racist imagery in those old cartoons, naturally. Scooby Doo is not known to be racist and The World Wrestling Ederfation also has that potential, so maybe this is progress in the realm of high profile athletic competition/ half century old animation franchise crossover. Suddenly thinking about Space Jam has caused me to ponder that yet again now that Scooby Doo at Wrestlemania seems sane and sound by comparison.

If you are less than familiar, Space Jam is about the classic Looney Tunes characters (Daffy Duck, Gabby Goat, Benito Mussolini, et ar) challenging tiny space aliens to a regulation non-tune, non-alien basketball game with the fate of all mankind at stake (obviously; why play at all otherwise?) and then getting Michael Jordan’s help to win the game when the aliens suddenly became much taller, indicating inherent prowess at transferring balls to baskets. It made no sense, but people treated it like it was normal, and it made a few hundred millions of dollars in profit. It did so well that its lone billed human, Michael Jordan, appeared in advertising for MCI, a totally unrelated telephone company that he already had an advertising contract with, beside the looney tune characters for years afterward. It no longer even mattered that Jordan was the most dominant, well known basketball player, if not general sports-man in the world. He was just some man who talked to Tweety Bird on a yellow cartoon telephone from inside an adobe illustrator document.

The first few ads had him open with an aside to the camera “MCI Five cent Sundays helps me keep up with my Space Jam buddies,” and apparently that was supposed to be enough explanation. Let us not debate whether he means Space Jam the movie or Space Jam the incident or even Space Jam the fruit paste preferred by astronauts*, because he didn’t even mention space jam after that.


There was no need to say “by the way, I, Michael Jordan, a basketball player, am talking to these cartoon animals with heads three times the size of mine who do not play basketball –and oddly enough, men with guns who want to kill them– about telephone service because a previous media spectacle established that we know each other and the topic of their hunter-prey relationship does not come up.” That at least one of these spots showed Jordan playing golf instead was not strange enough by that point to stand out. He got 2 million dollars a year to do those ads that made no sense. When the renamed, post-merger MCI variant Worldcom filed for bankruptcy 2 years before the end of Michael Jordan’s contract, he sued the company for the 4 million dollars from ads he wasn’t even going to make. That could have been, gosh, 6 more minutes sitting on a green foam block recliner pretending Elmer Fudd is telling him about great weekend calling rates. It is a wonder they stayed in business considering their customers were only paying five cents for each.

The writing and voice work are, of course, horrible. I am so accustomed to associating those traits with Looney Tunes produced in my lifetime that I almost forgot it was worth mentioning. To his credit, Jordan makes every effort to be as watered-down and dull as they are so to not make them look bad. Mr. Jordan, we are giving you two million dollars. The least you can do is SELL this performance. You need to act like you really don’t care that a giant rooster doing an impression of a radio character your fans’ grandparents probably don’t even remember is in your grass-floored apartment. The sound of that depressed iris-wipe at the end will haunt me for years.

Anyway I think there is a great deal of potential here.

Howdy. I’m John Cena, muscular famous person and part time parasitic twin. Verizon’s pay-as-you go plan helps me keep up with the Flintstones and Scooby Doo, even though they live in different time periods from each other and are less plausible than my finishing moves. Also if you make less calls than you prepaid for you still need to make a minimum monthly payment so you might as well get a normal calling plan. Yumdinger fruity pebbles support the troops.

*I lifted that line in its entirety from this 2003 page because nobody is ever going to read it again. Since that time I have still not seen Space Jam. I had an opportunity to view it in 199x but declined because it seemed like such a ludicrous idea. These days I thrive on ludicrous ideas, now that all my opportunities to get good use from them have passed, and I feel inclined to seek out and view the film. If it kills me, this message is here to explain what happened.



June 16, 2014
My focus has switched from depicting myself playing the latest and greatest videogames to raising awareness of the dangers of magic being put into videogames without our knowledge and the reality of magic its self.



I think I may have found the internet’s most ludicrous numeralless alias. In fact I saw this months ago but I noticed that my previous two posts here had diapers in them, and it became clear that there is a great/awful deal more casual diaper use than most people realize or will acknowledge.


I object to many things about face-book, and this is one of them. I disapprove of a permanent, unsanctioned diaper on my page, even one that is formed by the absence of matter. I further object to this misrepresentation of how my parents dressed me. I know it seems like a far off barbarian time to some of you, but though we had to stay in a specific set place to use a telephone and could not take terrible self-indulgent pictures with one, we DID have baby sized clothing in 198x.



a typical stupid animal-person drawing like I did a few years ago. My original description:

Koshizu needs a new kopilot.
I seem to like drawing stupid things happening to lizards, evidently. Can you tell me with sincerity that they do not deserve it?

This guy probably HAS to mention diapers inappropriately on the internet to keep from blurting out the topic while interacting with real people.
Hey mom I just got your message. Yes Dr. Smirkles is doing fine! We just got back from the vet and DRAGONS IN DIAPERS he needs to wear a cast for a week but otherwise I LIKE EM what? Calm down A LOT.
I understand the need to express one’s secret shame. If you try to keep it contained it will destroy you I LISTEN TO THE MUSIC FROM SPINDIZZY WORLDS AND FACEBALL 2000 IN MY SPARE TIME. Is it proper for me to make fun of people who give me compliments? Yes! They are the most suspicious of all. Clearly they have faulty judgement so I need to supply some more.


This sign appears to denote a location for diaper-focused worship. And like Scientology it has some big money behind it.

This seems contrary to the aims of pants, square or otherwise.


Things are getting serious. A blockade in the diaper aisle.
Fortunately I did not come here to talk about this. Alas now I am too tired to finish what I was writing. Can anybody help me out here?

What!!!

My response will be influenced by people from a time before diapers were invented.

—————————————-

Websites with sponsored content seem quite certain I am excited about the World Cup this week.



April 12, 2014
Garfield ranks as one of the favorite comic strips in our paper and some of you have let him know he won’t stay popular unless he cleans up his dirty mouth.

yikes
I was tending to some comic matters on Monday; I will see about getting this out of here on Tue’s day.

—————————
It got stupider than I was expecting. That is probably good. It is possibly very, very bad, however. I will try Wedne’s day instead.

—————————

I was shocked as anyone to learn today that Stephen Colbert will not, as I reported earlier, be replacing Barbara Walters on “The View.”

However, the same source assures me that Barbara Walters still intends to replace Alex Trebek.

Alex Trebek, of course, is leaving Jeopardy in 2016 to replace The Ultimate Warrior.

Stephen Colbert will be replaced by Comedy Central’s next-biggest star, ventriloquist Jeff Dunham, who will be replaced by a battle bot.

Daniel Tosh was not in the running, obviously, because he is set to replace Nelson Mandela, who himself replaced Carlos Mencia.

Ben Stein will not be replacing anyone since I managed to temporarily forget that he existed.

As for Craig Ferguson, his contract calls for him to get a late night show on CBS five years after some guy from the Daily Show gets it.

I posted something roughly equivalent to these on twittarrrgh yesterday (yeserday being Thursday). Nobody cared. Nor should they have. I do not do things worth caring about on Twitter. From the looks of things almost nobody does. When they do it makes no sense and I am hoping to catch one of those fluke flows of interest by posting garbage because I never learned any useful skills. Still, it was a much faster and to the point not-caring than accompanied my classic “late night show” related commentary, that I often spent hours dwelling on and putting together.
At one point in my life, when I had approximately less friends than now, I watched many of such programs, and despite whatever inept, skewed idea of how people talk to each other this left me with, I drew my best pictures while peripherally acknowledging and occasionally looking directly at these shows.
I also used to write about them a lot, and from my recollection I primarily complained and it was terrible..

Recently I have written much about them, again but more out of habit and compulsion than because I thought my gripes about what is not entertaining are entertaining. Hopefully that will stay buried.


I had not watched any of the old late night hosts regularly for fivish finkel years, but I liked knowing they were around. I liked there being video evidence that someone I understood and liked before I became stuck in my ways still existed and interacted with the world in the present. Outside my immediate family, and sometimes not even in it, nobody I knew in the 1990s has any contact with me now. These oafs in suits were important to me. They were consistent, and they were just mature enough that I did not arbitrarily decree myself too smart to watch them like I did with stuff that came on earlier (I did not start watching stupid wrestling until 2001ish, I think). Unfortunately, when one of them becomes moderately newsworthy I feel compelled to comment, and that again forces me not only to give it priority I can hardly spare, but also to be unique among commenters, which is not my trait when the topic is relatively normal people.


Now Jay Leno is gone, David Letterman is going, Alex Trebek is going. Alex Trebek is on television earlier in the day and not an especially entertaining presence, not deliberately, but I have to think whoever is put on instead of him will be distinctly irritating. I will be surprised if the Muppets last another 10 years. But that is part of life, right? The stuff you used to like goes away and you cannot stop it. But in my case the stuff I like almost invariably is a few decades older than me. I am stuck in a past I never lived in. And that is absurd; I rely on a computer for almost all things and can create little without it, and society’s attitude toward the mentally ill has improved considerably even in just the last few years. I would be profoundly disabled at this age if I had lived ten years earlier, and if I had lived ten years later I would only have smirky computer cartoons to watch and would be expelled and arrested if I drew pictures of bats killing each other with swords and bombs while at school. I was fortunate! I was merely quietly redistributed to various special education programs throughout the state who saw to it that I learned no skills, that would lead to me panicking about garbage I posted on twitter years later. If my life had gone some other way, this whole post here would be a lie because I did not do any of these things and reading it would be a huge waste of time.


I like Colbert –and I am surprised how much I do; back in 1999 I didn’t understand why Brian Unger and A Whitney Brown got fired but his uninspiring dorkiness got to stay on– but I also like that he only has a half hour program, that he stays in character during interviews, which I now skip on other “talk” programs, and that Comedy Central makes really cheap deals with the musical guests so their performances (or anything related to Breaking Bad for some reason) are usually deleted by the time I get to the show they appeared on in the online archive, since I have been perpetually three months behind for the past year, which prevents me from forcing myself to listen to music I hate just because it seems unfair to dismiss them without a chance to prove themselves. So then with those segments skipped I can more quickly tend to something else of importance, like watching the next day’s show and only being 2 months and 29 days behind.

I worry that I have lost the ability to become fan of new things. Is it stubborn contrariness? Do I sincerely not like the way television and films are made? Am I impossibly jealous as a result of never accomplishing anything, with people younger than me continually arriving and getting recognition? Yes, but is it permanent?

I will not run out of entertainment; I have 15 years of missed video games to deal with, and I still like the old ones that I liked before, and some more than I formerly liked them (though perhaps just as many that I like less). Likewise there are plenty of television shows and films that exist that I have not yet had a chance at. But I am not likely to share an interest with contemporary society again.

I started watching Conan O’Zarkike’s program again (as I divulged) when I started to fixate on these topics, but he is still the Conan that I -stopped- watching a few years ago based on his increasing desire to turn himself into one of those contemporary sorts that I cannot stand, by begging for viewer submissions or devoting uncomfortably large portions of airtime to sponsored content. A few days after I posted this, they showed an Xmen-themed movie trailer straight out during time usually reserved for a comedy attempt piece. One of the pioneers of messing with pretentious movie footage to make it sillier is now content to deliver ads direct, and then show a commercial break. It is not just a matter of Conan pleading with the audience/advertisers to like him after losing a prestigious job; he was doing this before he got and lost that job (the xmen preview was a new low, though). I would not shut up about it. Even the few that I like are disappointing. I have a huge problem.


And worse! I found out just today that Conan’s show used approximately the same joke about Barbara Walters as I did, two nights before I did, because they are put on the Tbs website late and I watch them yet later than that. That there is Conan O’Brien’s semi-cohost Andy Richter inserted into a clip from The View in a sketch that I was too distracted to pay attention to because I was horrified that I now looked like I had ripped this joke off of someone else on twitter. And I actually twittered the joke AT Stephen Colbert’s account. Nobody famous would ever have awareness of anything I did UNLESS I had done something derivative or terrible, and theoretically I would be blocked forever after the first error. So now Stephen Colbert hates me. But since I only think that it is not enough to make me too bitter to watch his show and at least free myself from the never ending duty to watch his program that never stops being made.
It is fine here; I can explain it, and we are surrounded by things too dumb for anyone else to have thought of, providing ample evidence that I have no desire to copy anyone else. But on twitter I only get one chance and no space to explain anything. If I mention something twice I look crazy. Anybody who looks awkward on twitter is dead to the world, unless their gimmick is to be awkward and not think things through. I think things near, far, over, under and through and am still too awkward to acknowledge.
In fact I only know Barbara Walters is retiring at all because of an earlier Conan-related Barbara Walters joke so I cannot even claim that I did not know. Theoretically, nobody else has any awareness of anything I like except momentarily for the purposes of thinking I ripped it off. See I can’t win in this, so it is better if nobody reads my posts. It is not all that original a joke either because its effectiveness depends on the idea of a man taking a woman’s place being inherently funny. I personally disagree on the grounds that Barbara Walters is funny to mention for many reasons, but I am not in any condition to elaborate at this time. Gosh i did not come here to talk about this! I watched the non-guest segments of Tuesday’s Conan as I was eating halfway through formatting this. I am only days behind on that, rather than years, because O’Brien’s gang does not keep old episodes on the internet indefinitely like Colbert’s does, forcing me to be up to date. If there is in fact a complete archive, and for some reason you know about it, please do not tell me. Even skipping the interviews I do not have time to be watching 3 tv shows (I also still watch the Jon Stewart Daily Show from months behind. That is another old gripe. But gee Chris Christie sure closed that bridge lane, didn’t he!).

Somebody probably did that Craig Ferguson joke already, too. Who, I have no idea. There are too many people that I have to beat at everything and even if I do it will not matter, but I am obsessed with trying. And again it is not a joke that is good enough that I should have been heralded for making it, but I should be shunned for taking it. I didn’t, but surely to somebody I look like I did. I will always lose unless I do dumb, useless things. And we all knew that already! So this is also useless, and I need less useless things cluttering my mind, so I must dump them here or risk tripping over them in the dark and injuring myself.


My next post will probably be about Mr. Peanut.



March 1, 2014
Tell me: does she miss you, existing just to kiss you?


Uf FINALLY. I have been waiting years to find a half tomato in a sealed plastic bag at the side of the road. Yes I will absolutely put this at the foremost position of the website whose url I print on my business cards that I paid to have printed and do give to people that I expect to have a sincere interest in what I am doing.

I did not think I had come out here to look for it, but once I found it I knew I must have been seeking it. And thank Rygar for the bag to keep the specimen in good condition. It is a sign.


You blasted yung’uns need to slow down! There are packaged, forgotten fragments of food in places that make no sense that you are totally missing! I would be interested in knowing what you think is so much more important (but surely LESS interested than I am in my present focus).
Why, it inspires me to know that my life could well be filled with such discoveries from this point.

Good night! Fantasy distractions can no longer compete.


But wha…!


Well that DOES change things.



Nobody I know has a website anymore

Mr. Sr. Mxy
Nowhere
Titash
pc72
Pickford
Gilhodes (bah you need a facebook account to see)
video game music database
pacific novelty
Green Lantern Head Trauma

them`s fightin` woids: November 18, 2017
The Universe sez:
I suspect this is a cautionary tale.
November 17, 2017
Frimpinheap sez:
I recognized the disney allusion! You may worry too much about my arbitrary scorn; I am not...
November 17, 2017
Shamed Commenter sez:
Yes, I know. I’m just envisioning a fantasy world in which you have millions of...
November 17, 2017
well-intended nitwit sez:
I apologize. I was worried the username wouod be misinterpreted (after I posted, no...
November 17, 2017
Shamed Commenter sez:
Sorry, I just meant to say that I like this.
November 17, 2017
well-intended nitwit sez:
Hey, you should work at DisKnee!
Less recent posts
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • November 2015
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • August 2015
  • July 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014
  • July 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • April 2014
  • March 2014
  • February 2014
  • January 2014
  • December 2013
  • November 2013
  • October 2013
  • September 2013
  • August 2013
  • July 2013
  • June 2013
  • May 2013
  • April 2013
  • March 2013
  • February 2013
  • January 2013
  • December 2012
  • November 2012
  • October 2012
  • September 2012
  • August 2012
  • July 2012
  • June 2012
  • May 2012
  • April 2012
  • March 2012
  • February 2012
  • January 2012
  • December 2011
  • November 2011
  • October 2011
  • September 2011
  • August 2011
  • July 2011
  • June 2011
  • May 2011
  • April 2011
  • March 2011
  • February 2011
  • January 2011
  • December 2010
  • November 2010
  • October 2010
  • September 2010
  • August 2010
  • July 2010
  • June 2010
  • May 2010
  • April 2010
  • March 2010
  • February 2010
  • January 2010
  • December 2009
  • November 2009
  • October 2009
  • September 2009
  • August 2009
  • July 2009
  • June 2009
  • May 2009
  • April 2009
  • March 2009
  • February 2009
  • January 2009
  • December 2008
  • November 2008
  • October 2008
  • September 2008
  • August 2008
  • July 2008
  • June 2008
  • May 2008
  • April 2008
  • March 2008
  • February 2008
  • January 2008
  • December 2007
  • November 2007
  • October 2007
  • September 2007
  • August 2007
  • July 2007
  • June 2007
  • December 2004

  • May 2007
    April 2007
    March 2007
    February 2007
    January 2007
    December 2006
    November 2006
    October 2006
    September 2006
    August 2006
    July 2006
    June 2006
    May 2006
    April 2006
    March 2006
    February 2006
    January 2006
    December 2005
    November 2005
    October 2005
    September 2005
    August 2005
    July 2005
    June 2005
    Maypril 2005
    March 2005
    February 2005
    January 2005
    Novcember 2004
    October 2004
    September 2004
    August 2004
    July 2004
    Maune 2004
    April 2004
    Febrarch 2004
    January 2004
    December 2003
    Octvember 2003
    Augtember 2003
    Junly 2003
    Maypril 2003
    Febrarch 2003
    Octnovdecjan 20023
    Junulgustember 2002
    Maypril 2002
    This never happened


    old webpages
    Mall Meh...ness
    03-03-2007
    Labyrinthy
    02-22-2007
    Cartoons
    12-10-2006
    Ludicrous
    07-01-2006
    I do not approve.
    06-04-2006
    irrational complaining about my television set
    04-24-2006
    Dennises are dead to me
    04-17-2006
    web-tv
    04-08-2006
    This page is not about shoes.
    03-22-2006
    I hate shoes.
    03-11-2006
    something award related
    03-04-2006
    Bahrg.
    02-26-2006
    Those Green Eyes again
    01-28-2006
    More valid but unfunny Disney criticism
    01-15-2006
    MeSpace
    11-EH-2005
    Biggest Loser
    10-EH-2005
    Mall Blandness
    07-20-2005
    2004 advertisement complaint world championship
    01/05/05
    Belindi
    11/03/04
    Mall Egadness
    09/22/04
    Las Vegas
    07/30/04
    Spiderman 2
    07/20/04
    Jope and Dopes
    06/27/04
    These Green Eyes
    04/24/04
    Friday
    04/01/04
    Wedding
    03/07/04
    Game Over
    03/02/04
    McDenny's
    01/09/04
    Mall orneryness
    01/06/04
    Movies I'm not going to see
    11/14/03
    Back fashion school to
    09/14/03
    Movies Make Me Mad. Moreso.
    06/14/03
    JList
    06/03/03
    France
    03/31/03
    Official pizza of Nascar
    03/16/03
    Browsers
    02/23/03
    Michael Jackson
    2/16/03
    Free Speech
    02/05/03
    Thursday
    01/23/03
    Doofs
    01-whenever-03
    NO
    12/11/02
    Film Critics. I hate them.
    10/15/02
    Coconuts. I hate those as well.
    10/14/02
    Independence Day
    Some time in July 2001
    other things
    Awards this website hasn't won
    mysterious
    The first First Beet segment
    05/28/10
    Embarrassing pictures 1
    09/17/04
    Embarrassing pictures 2
    The same
    Umiliphus (my old derivative megamen sprite comic
    08/15/03
    Hopeless.swf
    11/24/04, (I can only justify this by calling it an experiment, so I shall)
    sandwich.swf
    02/16/05
    FACK
    ??/??/??
    Poetry Page
    The same