an attempt to practice at a different art software, Clip Studio, which I acquired for a stupid reason and feel obligated to make use of. I could finish this drawing. Yes I absolutely could!
I still had to open up ye olde paint shopped proe 6 and use the mouse to clear up that which is there. I thought I had the PSP cd but I apparently only have Kid Pix, my original impossible to draw in except zoomed in really close since consumer art tablets did not exist back in 1994 software. I initially used it at the understaffed daycare for dumb kids that legally counted as “school” which I attended and then made my mother buy it for me after I got a home computer but eventually I had to concede that windows 3.1’s built-in and free pbrush.exe had more practical features with which to draw poorly using a mouse.
And I must say I have never gone through the hassle I did replacing my broken art tablets the past two years to get a replacement for my stupid old mouse, even if it is apparently highly controversial to sell me one without a keyboard.
For rather a few years I was curious about the likes of adope photoglop but never had a machine strong enough to run it well until 2009 or thereabouts. By the time I was decent at it, everybody I knew was trying to convince me I should use Sai or Manga Studio or flippindippin Gimp. I would ignore them at first but eventually see other people’s great results and think I was missing my chance to to do better, and then do far far worse trying. I may have to accept that I was correct all along in rejecting higher functioning software; I can only draw dumb stuff with dumb stuff!
A possible back cover for the hopefully imminently imminent self-published first volume of the bimshwellian comicoid. In fact, the exact same volume that was hopefully imminent a year ago. That plan got shoved behind other things, which then got shoved behind other things. After 11 months of such shoving, the management got confused and accidentally shoved the first shoved item in front of something else, and my intention is to act on it before ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHGHF I’VE BEEN SHOVED
On this occasion, I wanted to give potential viewers a sense of the content without needing them to have any existing idea of the characters, and without having to read much. And also none of the actual pages work on their own anyway whatever your casual tolerance to mass wordage is.
Next comes an alternate version, that while personally amusing to me, distracts from the one joke, that I need to get out without dwelling on, because it is not very special and has almost certainly been done in some form previously.
Also, Yibrik may ultimately be too strange to appear within my best-attempt-at-normal-person bait. Further, within what is to be the book, yib only does appear in one frame, unacknowledged, and speaks in one other frame, unseen, so nobody would have any reason to attempt to figure out what its problem is.
However, I may use some variation on this version for the interior pages of the third/sixth chapter (keeping in mind that book part-1 will only be half of internet part-1), by which point yibrik’s strangeness will be more welcome, and the spectacle of kumquat going shopping at a conventional supermarket, with pog and yibrik, will be more apparent as strange, and likewise welcome in its strangeness. I meant it here to be strange, but now realize it is likely to be taken in the Pixar mundane-conditioning sense of strange, where we see monsters going to a normal-looking school or deformed insects driving in normal looking streets and aren’t even supposed to think there is anything silly about that, which will work in my favor because as I said I need to get normal people to look at what I made, because weird people usually do not have as much money, except when they want me to draw something else.
Of course usually only weirdos read comic books, but you know what I am committed to this and need to do it just to stop fixating on it, so I desire that you stop second-guessing me!
A crummily-constructed advertisement that conveys basic information and subtly implies the matter I addressed very non-subtly on the previous post that went on between when the picture was made and the lettering was added.
You are welcome to come, even if they are not! There is no reception; just show up if you feel inclined to and are in the area within the month. I assume you will not be, but that is alright since I probably won’t be there either! I drop stuff off and then the pictures are there. They have better social skills than I do.
page 36 of the old part 1 of that? Yes.
Even when I reused the old drawing this took a week. It looks as if every one of these pages will need to be significantly overhauled before I may rest. I will be remaking broken trash until I die. Just like Lunar Silver Star Story, a 1997 Playstation remake of a 1992 Sega CD game, that has since been repolished and repackaged as a new game two or more times, (like what Capcom did with Street Fighter 2 stretched across two decades instead of two years), except without anime to distract people from the lack of improvements over plainly dated content. And also I do it alone for free, at nobody’s insistence but my own. But I think this is superior to before.
that makes me feel better!
a potential design for new potential business cards. Alas, I know nothing of business, and my card attempts reflect that. I subconsciously channeled this ancient, totally unusable design:
Both are way too busy but they are at least honest. If I delivered a simple, efficient, graphic designy card it would be a lie because that is not the sort of product I produce. I was hoping the old card design would be conspicuously less legible by comparison to the new one when reduced, but alas they are about the same! I never used it as a card, but I did expand it vertically to use as a sign at some event about which there is little positive to say. [email protected] is the same email address I had then; anything @bimshwel.com gets forwarded to me but I have difficulty deciding on what placebo [email protected] to give myself.
This one is from 2011, long enough ago that I thought inkbunny would ultimately be something I could admit to having an account on, and was willing to put money behind promoting my use of. If you are unfamiliar with Inkbunny, good. All you need to know is that it does not allow Toothcup.
That it does not allow Toothcup, capital T, that is actually one of the things it has going for it, and that many of the people you will deal with wish that were not the case. If you do not know what toothcup is, good. All you need to know is less than I already told you.
These days I will not put any of them on my card, which is in fact the very reason I chose horrible “names” like “queg” and “skrimpf” to begin with: so that nobody could connect them to my legal horrible name. I chose queg so nobody would know I had a deviantart account, and then I chose skrimpf so nobody would know queg was using furfaninity. I chose frubaklop because I had lost control of my life and figured there was no sense in hiding anymore.
For a brief, notorious period, and it must have been brief because it looks as if even at the time I was uncertain whether I should keep the website names vague so as to avoid outing myself all needless-like, I thought I was comfortable, and I cursed myself for choosing names nobody would ever look for me at, and now I am grateful again. This is my place and these are my people so I should not deny it, I seem to have thought. Those are not my places. I mention them here specifically because I thought it would be sufficient to stop using those names and websites to make people stop identifying me with them, which was not the case so I will say it here: please do not ever call me skrimpf, unless you are deliberately trying to irritate me, which is a valid pursuit, but better you do it on purpose than by mistake. I do have http://bimshwel.deviantart.com/ , which queg forwards to, but “DA” is still fundamentally a fanart porn site, like the other two, that I will always be marginalized on [for not drawing or appreciating fanart porn], and I prefer to be marginalized on my own terms. However, such websites are a bit more social than my heap, here, so I keep on with the one I am least embarrassed about overall.
At this point in the original manuscript I digressed into several paragraphs on identity and denial that were beside the point and tone, and were keeping me from finishing this, even though I only came to post the one picture! They have been removed for now. Indeed I am as messed up inside up as my card is outside. Why pretend? Why try and trick somebody into hiring me based on something that is uncharacteristic of what I can deliver?
Because otherwise I will not be hired! The first cards I actually had printed were very sparse, since that was, is the only way I could have control of the situation.
Control, such as with my broken, spring-based mechanical heating control panel, which these cards were useful for regulating the strength of during our six months of winter. I discussed a key design aspect in more detail here, but the blank space after “and” was so I could write something different on each card, such as “intrepid tortellini,” “raisin toads,” or “no dopes,” because I am not satisfied unless I make a hassle out of everything. The foremost one here says “you know what, you deserve it.” I can say that because you are here now, and therefore on some level you do.
I made this website logo a while ago and forgot to put it on the website anywhere. I also forgot to make it so that it actually would fit anywhere. I suppose it fits here. Unfortunately it is now hopelessly out of date and I will have to make a new one.
Where no meep has pogone before
And why SHOULD anyone have pogone here? This looks like a stupid place.
appropriately enough, assuming it was here before, by now pog is gone.
Anyone should know better than to assume they missed anything here! Except pog, so I shall not offer criticism.
page 22 of part 1 in that.
Maybe it is time to embrace that I cannot draw interior scenes rather than fight it.
another redraw page update! I need to order more paper before I can draw a new page. I cannot order more paper because I am trying to unload this house in ancipation of moving. I cannot do that becaues there is half a century’s worth of other people’s forgotten fiddle-dee-doodle in the attic here and nobody else on the planet but me will go up there. Some of them are even still alive. I do not see why the Grinch needs to steal Christmas from Whoville; I have several decades of christmas right here that can be had free of charge. In fact he can come by any day of the year and make off with whatever seems relevant.
I have however added a new cast page, to assist in identifying important details since I go so long between updates.
addendor:
yestorday someone else visited the attic and I realized this illustration board can hold ink on both sides and I had merely not re-evaluated that situation since I stopped using regular paper.
So I just do not have time, then! Do not think I will not find a way to experience difficulty!
All this Jerry Sanduski business strikes me as very Ancient Greek. With all the “modern day warrior” sort of nonsense people in sporting associations like to ehssociate themselves with I would be little surprised if this sort of thing were much more widely disseminated and unofficially institutionalized than anyone is acknowledging here. Any field where men have power, money, some sort of manufactured prestige and private access to children there is going to be sexual abuse. Sports, clergy, entertainment, government, they’re all alike. I wouldn’t chance it on women either, though they are less encouraged by tradition to behave disgustingly and then be proud of themselves (though very much so with regard to disgusting people more powerful than themselves).
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Here come some pictures of my hideous sunburn. Not for sympathy; apart from some lingering redness and itching I am cured. You can tell because I typed this. I have a considerable list of other things I will accept sympathy for if it comes to that, however, starting with
the undrinkable “pure” cranberry juice I bought shortly after the sunburning. I think it is meant for people with urinary problems. I think that because the bottle says so. People have urinary problems because they drink so much bloody juice that they can’t stop going. I may have been confused since having swollen, blistered fingers meant that converting my clothing to urination mode became an irritating ordeal but that is not the problem the juice is meant to solve. For some reason I suspect the fat-nosed fool at the top of this entry won’t have the same issue.
Look, it even has a warning. I of course interpret that as a dare. If sunblock muck had a “WARNING: DON’T USE THIS” perhaps I would have. I should have been wary of purchasing when it cost ten dollars. I must have just thought it was really good juice. Clearly I deserve to be homeless.
I have decided to merely link to the pictures, since I’d really rather not be seeing them here for the next six months while they slowly scroll off the page if I also have to see all those dumb lizards. And with me having said that you may decide that you do not want to see them at all, and now you have the power not to, and thus I don’t even really need to have had a sunburn and can have saved myself the pain and hassle of it. However, I am now taking this opportunity to dare you to look so you really have no other option because I was disgusted at my deceitful behavior. Unfortunately I have not yet implemented a system for concealing undesirable verbal imagery so the urine-themed remarks remain.
http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/8216/eimg3613.jpg
I swear that is my only plaid shirt. I rarely wear plaid because it reminds me of bad concerts and furry conventions. We shall perhaps see in subsequent entries that I take better precaution to protect myself from being reminded of them than actually experiencing them. This shirt at least has some diagonal plaid, but I still worry that it makes me look like I’m at a rodeo. If I was at a rodeo I would wear an appropriate hat as well and clearly I have no head. Further, I am in no condition to fasten my Texas-shaped belt buckle without assistance.
In fact the burning occurred primarily because I attempted to wear a hat. Due to my proximity to people who enjoy burning themselves (normal people) but aren’t genetically predisposed to being burnt excessively through being pigmentally challenged, I decided I should make an effort to walk outside during a period when someone else might. Oddly enough I put anti-burn goop on my feet. My aversion to it caused me to avoid placing the stuff on my hands and I imagined I would keep them concealed within my pockets for the duration of the journey. It seems that they are destined to be gooped up either way.
http://img31.imageshack.us/img31/4083/uhimg3649.jpg
After one day of bandaging and gooping. Note that due to the residue it looks worse than before. That is why I showed it. The white goop has silver as a component and stains things black. Or maybe that’s just a ruse so you won’t know I’m transforming into a dinosaur. And if I am I promise you it isn’t one that is blue and smiles a lot.
http://img12.imageshack.us/img12/2449/bimg3650.jpg
On the other hand, here is how one looks after having been cleaned off. judging by the time-stamps on the pictures this took 28 minutes. That’s sadly not a whole lot longer than I generally require to bathe. Or that’s the impression I try to give so nobody will guess that I am digging an escape tunnel from the bathroom.
http://img18.imageshack.us/img18/5655/bimg3653.jpg
Here they are, together again. The rodeo appears to be over. Why did I only bring shirts that would be a total nuisance to equip and remove if my hands broke?
and just as I returned, I had to prepare to go someplace else, which I have now returned from. thankfully on that occasion the scarring was only internal and thus I was not physically inhibited from typing this.
We can only go up from here.
Or Disgracy’s Angstgiving Malaise, if you prefer, but why would you?
Do you remember when I used to write stuff? Well I have forgotten and that is why there have been so many of these lately.
It was meant to be a response to that because I talk to myself. However, I rarely listen, so it was rather a bit over a year before it could be shown. Ordinarily, people would have stopped caring by then, but fortunately nobody cared to begin with. The only thing I got right was the bland layout.
It may strike you as decadent for one character to hog the rope belt AND the single suspender. Are you going to put up with that?
Through no deliberate thought by me the central figure (“dope”) is the most dignified looking idiot here through not having made any botched attempt to appear dignified.
And now that I have made this, what do I do with it? It has no purpose. There is no reason I should have spent so long on it. I lack even the motivation to update this page’s banner twits. The secret to online fame is to acknowledge and pay reverent homage to stuff that already exists, but that doesn’t work if it’s your own stuff, unless you referenced other stuff prior to referencing your own, and chances are people will be annoyed that you didn’t just reference the stuff you usually reference.
I didn’t say so in the past but generally these things conceal links to larger, more clear versions of themselves. I don’t actually believe that this conveys any information here on the page. I don’t believe the full size conveys much more, but it’s slightly more and that’s the amount I intend.
Most of the development for the background occurred before I had merged it with the characters, because at the image size of 20000×7000 pixels it was irritating having to deal with constant delays while I added large amounts of blurry computer paint (the fourth row is just a temporary mock-up that I have saved for some reason). Having multiple layers, then, made the situation totally unbearable. Then at some point I realized nobody would notice or care if I reduced everything to 10000×3500 and after I did, it became feasible to merge them and development escalated, now (then) that I could see where things were in relationship to each other better. The result was still an unsightly, muddy mess, but and I’ll think up a justification later.
This was removed from the space where the yellow creature eventually was placed because the character is sort of boring, and I thought it worth incorporating alternate modes of improper dress.
This was earlier removed from the same position not for looking too stupid, but I imagined this thing would not be pleased that others challenged its bow tie supremacy and would refuse to stand with them. At that point I had considered having the center dope also wearing a bow tie, which further complicated matters. I drew a new one into the background because I forgot I had made one already.
The creature elpse is mildly allergic to stripes, and so appears to merely be sneezing, rather than protesting. In fact this sneeze would have seemed to be directed away from the dope out of courtesy, which I cannot allow.
This pose was too interesting.
Of course I’m kidding. Most of these characters need to be in trash AND jail.
I also received a relatively peculiar letter through the mail recently. I must consider its implications.
I saw a preview for that Carol movie. It doesn’t even star Jim Carrey. It stars some unsettling computer-made guy that resembles Jim Carrey and sounds like him but might as well sound like a pterodactyl because that’s not actually him. I assumed the movie was just some superfluous and unnecessary thing, but by Brinna it’s an expensive, crrrrreepy, superfluous and unnecessary thing. You might say “Scrooge is bad. He’s supposed to be unsettling.” But in the tradition of showing Dr. Claw just walking around in the preview for Inspector Gadget, Disney also shows happy Scrooge dancing in the road on Christmas morning, and he looks even scarier than before.
I like gummy worms, how about you?
I do not, however, like gummy, tooth-eating mouth parasites. Neither does the character on the box, from the look of things. Consider that we are talking about the mass consumption of legless, slimy invertebrates, and I only just now got grossed out by it, maybe you should rethink your marketing. Also, that hot dog looks too firm and uniformly colored to be any good. I like hot dogs, but I hate ones like that. The ones that people in tv commercials always stick their tongues out like “wlaaaah” to eat and then bite sideways. Also the really long kind that doesn’t fit in the roll. Those always taste wrong. I don’t trust that mustid application, either. Not that I eat mustard, but I’m open to the idea of trying it at some point. I’m still mentally preparing myself for relish. Why must ard be applied in a spike pattern? Why not like a wave border, or windows 3.1 egypt.bmp style?
This reminds me, it’s about time for an update on a recent matter of great importance:
Hey, do we have enough A Christmas Carols? Do we have enough A Disney A Christmas Carols? Do we have enough Christmas movies with Jim Carrey inappropriately cast as the originally non-wacky protagonist? Do we have enough Jim Carrey movies in which he has mysterious magical powers (I refer to his ability to grow to enormous size and fly around merely by taking off his legs)? This poster suggests that we do not.
I ask because nobody tells me these things. Obviously.
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I just saw what this site’s rss feed looks like. You have my condolences. I cannot function without them.
May 29:
I will mention Mad TV again. My mentioning this could not be too much worse than this entry’s original content regarding Ben Stein.
But that show, I’m not sad to see it go. I’m sad that I didn’t go. That I never was able to give it up. I did, for about three weeks, but then I watched it again and then the final show was the next one so I had to watch that one too, even though it was kind of bad. So many better things to watch, so many better non-watching things to do. Why did I return? What was I expecting? Why can’t I accomplish anything? Why would I take 80 pictures in one day, half of them of my television screen, approximately none of which I will do anything with? Why would I eat so many raisins that I felt ill?
Even when the show was good, was it ever that great? Great enough that if it was bad next time that the positive experience outweighed the negative? Great enough that I could confidently assume that it would not be bad next time? (yes, briefly, in 2005. This tapered off right about the time I started writing about it, requiring me to rebut myself, several times, and by now I am sadly quite used to being the butt of a but (and I should not have said that) )
Was I ever able to share it with one person who didn’t think less of me as a result of it? At least the indifference / scolding I got when I told people I watched Conan O’Brien had to face off against memories of presentations that I often sincerely enjoyed, and with some amount of consistency. Even when he was appearing in ads for Budweiser and the Milk Growers of America and encouraging the participation of an audience it increasingly seemed as if he had just a bit of contempt for I never quite felt dirty.
Yes, I only extracted this from a longer, worse, Mad TV eulogy I’m too indifferent to finish because it mentions Mr. O’Brien and I don’t want to risk having to reword that one part in the event he does something catastrophic on his new show that requires me to distinguish the old one from it. If he does something great it will be easier to delete this part.
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Ben Stein is not an economist. He’s just some guy from tv. Some guy from tv who fits the stereotypical perception of what a smart person looks like. Some guy from tv who had a game show about giving away his money. Would you trust an economist who gave away his money and/or a career to Jimmy Kimmel? He may have majored in economics at Columbia University, but he does not work in the field of economics, and by his own admission has not done that since the Lyndon Johnson administration, and he hated it. That doesn’t necessarily mean he was bad at it, but it certainly might. I’m sure he knows a lot of stuff, but I don’t reckon what he learned in 1960eh is 100% relevant to the financial issues us peons deal with these days, all the less so when it is filtered through a co-endorsement deal for the very worst provider of an outmoded method of television signal delivery* that he shares with Shaquille “I love em I don’t leave em I got a vysectomy and now I can’t breed ’em and I was also Kazaam the rapping genie” O’Neal.
You can call Ben Stein an actor/writer/lawyer/game show host, but don’t just say “economist” and not offer any justification. Please?
Also, this is beside the point, but Ben Stein blames the theory of evolution for The Holocaust. Because, supposedly, scientists researched evolution and scientists also invented gas chambers. This idea almost certainly appeals to people who get offended when guns are blamed for murders and accidental killings done with guns. That’s a tenuous thread of logic.
Bad. Bad science. I don’t know where Ben Stein thinks tv cameras and glasses came from. “Science” is in fact a very vague word and you can attribute to it just about anything. You can even type it in capital letters with an exclamation point at the end and get an instant fanbase on the internet. It’s like the new “69” except it’s actually a reference to a dopey song from over twenty five years ago. In that respect, I suppose, Ben Stein is older than science and knows what’s best for it. Who am I to talk about science, after all? I’m no economist.
I don’t need to go into this much because Ben Stein bothered me long before I knew that he had actual beliefs and opinions, and what they were. I always thought his screen persona was annoying, and discovering that this is actually his true self makes it easier for me to deal with; he hasn’t expended the creative energy necessary to create a character, or even what passes for one in a time when each and every creative person grew up surrounded by half+ century-old infallible merchandising icons who will not step aside for any reason (perhaps Ben aspires to be one?). He’s not trying that hard. He is naturally annoying. He thinks he’s so boring that anything consciously idiotic he does (rapping about how he dislikes Al Gore) or says (such as “cleareyes is awwwwsome”) while being boring is automatically funny, but it isn’t. He thinks that wearing a black business suit and Teddy Ruxpin shoes makes a statement, and it does. That statement is “somebody needs to throw a muffin at me.”
Don’t watch the video attached to that last link. There are plenty of things I could suggest to “you” to watch that would be better than that. I just had to prove that it happened. But at about four minutes, twenty seconds he starts with the “mo-fo” talk and then he tells some really awkward rap-thing about Al Gore not inventing the internet that he had to write on three different pieces of paper for some reason, that he couldn’t be irked to memorize despite it being short and basic and sort of terrible. Jon Stewart appears to be laughing, but there are different types of laughter and many of them are not good. This wasn’t quite as bad as it seemed to me when I first watched it (compare the dates and it seems probable that the memory of this interview in part inspired that other thing I wrote that I linked to somewhere in here), but it’s far from good.
If the best grime you can scrub up on a presidential candidate approaching an election, the bit that you save for last, is that he made some exaggerating statement totally irrelevant to his candidacy then you have misplaced priorities and I don’t trust you to do things for the right reasons. And Gore did help with the internet. He did not create it, he did not develop the technology, but he very much helped to ensure that it would be used, that it would be useful. In comtrast to Comcast, Ben Stein’s current president, which pretends it owns the internet from time to time.
I can just imagine Ben Stein saying to himself in a Ben Stein voice how hilarious he himself would look while dressed like AC DC. But in actuality it’s just embarrassing. I can see him and Lorne Michaels forming a comedy team that’s just them.
*I personally don’t find anything special about the current incarnation of satellite television, but I believe it has greater potential that it just won’t allow me to use due to arbitrary legal trash, yet I can see that changing. Cable service, on the other hangnail, relies on actual physical cables, going from your home to someplace else, and if you decide you don’t like the people who own the cables you have to get the things removed and then have a whole new set of cables put in, in the event you want to risk more cables. Or something like that. Most people won’t bother with that; it’s hassle enough getting the stuff installed to begin with, and cable companies use that knowledge against their own customers. But then satellite things are also such a way; I still need to have cords going from my television machine to the dinkity plastic thing that I don’t own stuck to my house. But it would be easier to wrap that up and send it back, and by the wuh I would if I was paying for it and the only person who used it.
I disapprove of image results for “culture vulture” when I specifically specify “vulture culture.” I am not interested in one vulture with artistic sensibilities and appreciation for a stereotyped and elitist definition of what culture is. I want to know about the whole communities of vultures, what they’re doing, how they think, regardless of whether the two words making up what this is called happen to rhyme. I speak of two entirely different concepts and think google should be ashamed that its software is so easily confused between such things.
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Hope is coming. Not necessarily for me, not possibly not for them, but it is coming, and there is little we can do to change that.
If you’ve ever wondered how, specifically, I get away with being called “disabled,” rather than just being a socially inept, hard to please weirdo, one aspect of it relates to spending three hours making tiny, intricate changes and corrections at the 8-x pixel magnification level to cartoon fingers, wheelbarrows, big Ks and construction helmets which I will ultimately discard. That is why, despite years of unemployment and free housing accommodations I never turned out any screenplays or operas. And you’re welcome, by the way.
At this point the challenge is resisting the need to place yellow and grey stripes on the support platform or trying to make it resemble a steel beam. Neither of these are necessary or have been requested, yet it seems a waste not to.
My fingernails are so worn out from scraping cat food off things cat food needs to be scraped from that I have difficulty opening soda cans. This could be a good thing if it prevented me from opening soda cans entirely, but it is but an inconvenience, and thus only serves to annoy me before I get at the soda anyhow. Similar, surely, to how not having a twitterly page doesn’t stop me from sharing useless information of that nature. Fiddle-dee-doo, people from tv acting like poorly spelled nonsense with no context on the internet is something new. I used to get somebody’s twitter updates on my live-journal friend-like-imaginary-internet-acquaintance page maybe about two years ago and I never knew what they were about because they were always in response to someone else’s twitties, and when I did bother to look into the matters, they were themselves responding to other things I had not read. And these were, I ought to point out, the twit-spaces of non-decadent, relatively humble people I consider mentally competent. I am told these days that the official Twittist mascot is Ashton Kutcher, who I best know from ads for bad movies and probably bad products that assume he is a person I best know. I realize that’s a weak dismissal; I only came here to show that dumb picture up there. I quite assure you I have written and lost track of as much long winded kutcher-themed kommentary as any other topic I have some sort of problem with. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. I already did.