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Questionable artwork and pedantic miscellany
January 30, 2008
Look at us up above we are so in love

I must warn you that this here website entry is more conceited somehow than usual. I’ve been insufferably self-satisfied since I figured out how to change text color with css in a manner that is at all useful. We now join the entry already in progress, if we want.

But violence spawns so many great ideas. Like video games.


The beta versions of Pong were actually pretty peaceful compared to the malevolent moral landfill that was released to the masses in 1972.


Precisely my point. Nobody really wants peace any more. Except maybe you.


It sounds like you want a “piece” of me, Jumbiliusu. But the one called queg at this time fears no challenge. I will travel a fine distance and engage you in a combat style of your choosing on any date.


Then we shall poke each other with Q-tips to the death (or at least the knockout) on September 3rd, 1492. On a pirate ship in the Arctic Ocean.


Be serious! We both know I have an appointment with the barber-surgeon then!


Let’s just get it over with on this day in 1492, then.


We did!

Never mind who they are for the moment, nor the blatant anachronism of suggesting the existence of barber surgeons 48 years prior to the Company of Barbers joining ranks with the Fellowship of Surgeons, know only that it led to me one day coming across “Epic Battle of the Arctic,” in which a green thing engages a blue thing of vague familiarity in a contest of sorts.
That being a totally new experience for me, I was unsure how to deal with the situation. At some point in the future I or someone pretending not to be me countered with this.

Perhaps you’re wondering: why, if I was free to reinterpret the scene as I saw fit, under no obligation and having stated no willingness to participate in such silliness, would I choose to again represent my end of the conflict with a thing so stupid it could lose a hand fighting with Q-Tips? And have that not be all it lost? There’s even a character shaped similarly to the green one which owns a similar hat who would surely make a better adversary and is also blue. But then I might as well make them be on an ironing board fighting with chip-clips and then why even bother?


And it might seem to you that certainly, anybody could be confused when there are two like-hue-skinned, pointy-eared smiling morons under three feet tall, but that I, if no one else, ought to know which wears a bow tie. You do raise good points.

Some time later, a person known not only as “Bridgeport Cat” let me know about this pog. And so I eventually responded with this cat person, which I assure you was relevant to the situation. If you look you’ll notice that it’s somewhat less intricate than my previous such rebuttal. There’s really no excuse for such inconsistency, but I’ll give you one anyway. I have a much easier time lerping out stupid smiling imps I’ve made hundreds of times before (as the totally unnecessary image above I assembled specifically for this page update should tell you) and things structurally similar to them than… anything else. And with my writers on strike good ideas are hard to come by. But it’s good to be challenged.


Ehhh. Hopefully I won’t ever get a picture drawn by somebody whose electronic identity is a background which appears in four consecutive panels. But if you are one and have one then I’d love to see it. I used to say I’d hate it but when it happened anyway I had to feel just a bit of elation. Not that I think I’m entitled to another, or even those I’ve had already, I’m just making it known that I can refuse nothing. But I’m no ho.

Internal struggle: Are these “art trades?” Am I gay anew? Do I have to fahv that awful picture of the DisneyR Princessestm traveling through time and space to meet up and make rude faces at an imaginary camera now? Or the anime simpsons? Must I hail neko yasha? Do I have to draw NEMITZ from the torso up glancing perturbedly sideways while taking a bite out of a boot, myself knowing all the while that in the end I will have no choice but to step forward and declare that such a thing cannot under any circumstances be enjoyed?


IT IS NOT POSSIBLE!


It is interesting to note that a great deal of something like that often comes with groaning the likes of “urgh bandwagon” or “ugh i don’t understand.” And yet you did it anyway! You’re just as much part of the problem as anyone else! Your thoughtless use of the word “bandwagon” proves it! Someone like you only gets off the bandwagon by thinking outside the box! Uhhhhhhhhhhhhpork and beans.

I sometimes read comprehensive explanations of things like that and still come out utterly baffled. Three months to ponder this one did not help. Possibly because it is baffling and also that this time I read it on the thing called “encyclopedia dramapickle.” I will talk about that now.

Unlike wikipedia, which invites the occasional gang of twits to write embarrassing articles of mass inversely proportional to their significance, encyclopedia dramaphrodite is written entirely by the most spiteful, unstable, hypocritical trendthugs alive, often at odds with each other, and as such just as bad as much of the subject matter it complains about. However, it is only by attracting them that we can draw out explanations and origins for the worst things online, however alternatingly, schizophrenically biased they will be presented. I don’t even want to link to the thing I’m describing because I’m afraid it will hack my brain and plaster photographs of enormous phalluses end to end along the outside of my house, each accompanied by an Impact-fonted caption you’d have to be the mature-aged equivalent of a crack baby to find meaning in. But trust me, it’s crrrrrazy!

A man called Root once referred to it as “hostile to humor” or something like that, and so somebody made a page about him on the site with that quote on it. Ha ha, got ‘im! Another agent once called him doot instead of root. So you can see why I’d be afraid. They keep their opposition in check. I’d go a bit further than Rodo and call it hostile to everything. It’s that sort of presentation where I feel like whoever wrote what I’m reading is angry at me. Who needs that? Not I! No sir. I get angry enough at myself for eating my weekly Raisinet/Chex Mix ration in one day without worrying that the time Ronin stole Jack Trades’ password and said he was going to punch Opt202 at Gorbocon six years ago might just make me a redneck gay redneck.

I have to assume the articles making fun of teen-aged weirdos who killed themselves are in the minority… but yih, there are some. Or there were, anyway. Something like that probably becomes a legal liability over time. That is, assuming real people have more rights than Capt’n Eeeeeeli. And… apparently I’m not over that yet.


And all this time I believed that was caused by an iron deficiency.

Next week: English lessons for domestic pets.



January 27, 2008
ASTERITE RING: Dropped by Saturos? NO! This was just some idiot at gamefaqs posting rumors. Don’t waste your time fighting Saturos, he will not give you anything special.

Boing

Wow, I can’t believe Meet the Spartans opened “yesterday.” Not so much that I can’t believe it would be allowed to open at all, I just feel like I’ve been seeing its ads for two years. To put that in perspective, I’ve only been seeing ads for Strange Wilderness for six months.
I’ll not give it credit for breaking the naming convention of its forebears, as that only happened because epic movie was such a failure, the unmistakable mistake of a sequel wanted to trick us into thinking it wasn’t that which it had no problem with being. I guess they reason, sure it’s obnoxious, stuffed with overused, underthought topical acknowledgments which aren’t quite jokes, all of which will be in the spartan-like assault force of ads, why don’t we give it a different name? Why they’d choose an even worse naming convention is just because they’re bad bad people.


Excuse me my good man, but is this the sequel to Epic Movie?

No, look at the name. It’s the sequel to Meet the Deedles.

Cor, what a scoop! Color me deedled!

Ha ha, fooled you! It really is the sequel to Epic Movie.

Say, this movie is swell! I’m glad you deceived me!

Carmen Electra is in it, that’s all the proof you need.
A better question, really, is why, if the previous fared miserably, and everybody hated it/them, it gets a sequel at all. Why are these being made? Who watched any of the previous movies and said “your antics amuse me. Here, have 30 million dollars to make another movie with.”? Ehhh, but that much is known. Part of it is said to have come from Regency Enterprises, which also funded a real who’s that of the movies I’ve complained about the existences of or merely wanted to plus Fight Club. Epic Movie, Firehouse Dog, Big Momma’s House 2, Deck the Halls, things I did not think there could be any connection between aside from my scorn. Regency also funds “Baby First TV,” and that stuff is always loathsome, with typically as much non-market research driven thought behind it. I truly do not understand. Let’s go to the phones. Klube from Mipwip Junction, you’re on the air.



Don’t you see? “1984” is happening! Meet the Spartans is the two minute hate! It trained in seclusion for 22 years to swell to 4200% its previous size.
Sir, turn off your radio, please.
Also, FDR let Pearl Harbor happen! JFK tripped on his shoelace! OJ did 9/11! Spencer Nilsen ruined Sonic CD!
Sir, sir, could you please turn off your radio! Oh dear.
Well that situation is unlikely. There are also a great many things I hate which Regency was not involved with. I simply hate many many things. They fund what they think people will purchase tickets for, and that’s as far as it goes.

And George Orwell, fortunately, was wrong in guessing men who want power would be able to by now have separated themselves from their undoing agent, the craving for wealth. “They” would never give us Epic Movie for free, and that is why they will always fail. Although some of the ads feel like two minutes, there is at this time no penalty for not watching them. Not horribly long ago I read some mumbling and bungling about technology to force unskippable ads into dvd movies, and it’s already implemented in some fashion, but it can’t force anyone to care. Not yet. And they only do it because they want money, not to make us hate imaginary enemies as a distraction from our real problems. They don’t respect us that much. Also, that would alienate potential customers.

Elections are a different matter, because only citizens may vote. The next time a politician insists gays are signing up children in the streets and another proposes a bill to ban streets rather than investigate the charge, and that the ghost of Saddam Hussein is after not just yellow cake but our vast natural deposits of chocolate cake as well, and so we ought to devote all our resources to producing a cake so big that it cannot be stolen, be glad you live in a country where the government respects you. And if you don’t you may also find things to be glad about. I realize this paragraph has no foundation in reality but I bet I could get applause if I ended a commencement speech with it.



January 25, 2008
For those of you who don’t know who Latias is, I pity your ignorance

Hitler still up to his old tricks:


I told you about this letter, right? You don’t have to read it, I will summarize it afterwards. Lazy loaf.





A more succinct version: “You took some pictures from my website and put them on yours, therefore you owe me 0.15 million dollars.”

The entry it regards was quickly stripped of the offending materials and I have not yet devised suitable replacements for them all. I made plans, but actually doing the act was soon sickening. I’ll possibly tell you if it ever happens. The offending materials consisted of a comic page, a comic cover and youtube frame all depicting the exact same character drawings arranged in different ways among seriously lousy 3D computer graphic backgrounds, and seen exactly as I found them, except for one whose background I altered (which they noticed, pog bless them). My point being that the whole thing’s an overpromoted ugly hackwork and true.

When I first saw the note on the evening of October 5, 2007, I spoke, aloud “well it’s about time.” I’m not one of those “ha ha, I’ve been banned from 37 forums THIS WEEK” people who gloats about being an antisocial gadshmap (I wish I would have gotten banished more often, back in the days, so I’d have stopped trying sooner), but one does wonder after a while if anybody is paying attention.

Almost right away I came up with some nonsense to say here, but was terribly paranoid about the whole thing and so kept it to myself. Fortunately, it’s totally the normal for me to mix new content with things I did years ago, so October is pretty timely. I am not convinced it’s possible to do time travel, but I believe I may be time travel.


I think with the facts that Capt’n Eli is a small operation and that I included Hitlerish imagery, the response is not surprising. While I could substitute the mustache-swastika-less Not Hitler from the Super NES port of Wolfenstein 3D, I think the intent would still be obvious, but if it wasn’t obvious it wouldn’t make sense. I could also replace Hitler with “call apogee say aardwolf” but that also wouldn’t make sense and would still have the ah… plaintiff’s drawing in it, and I certainly don’t want to fiddle about when people are threatening to take $149,837 I don’t have over a totally justified complaint. Yet I think if they obtained that money they could turn out a far higher quality product. If I had that money I could pay off my annoyances and turn out a higher quality product myself, making dumb comics fast enough that I wouldn’t have to write about silly things in the interim periods and thus this never would have happened. Stupid Eli.

I believe a lot of the trouble is that people on the internet have been largely desensitized against Hitler, to such an extent that I couldn’t imagine anyone – first of all, with gainful employment – bothering with my nonsense, and secondarily, having a legitimately off reaction, of such intensity, to the insertion of Cap’t Holocaust with other non-hitlery subjects. I thought it would be best to remove the thing altogether until I could devise of entirely generic and/or Hitler-free subject matter which still work with my own general complaints, which I think are valid. And I did that. I told you I did!

I suppose it was wrong to try and work out my annoyance at Maine, off brand soft drinks and web-comics all at the same time. If it’d been a picture of Richard Burton or Stockard Channing I could claim to feel wronged, but there aren’t any in Doom2 so the joke doesn’t work.

But that’s what this is about. It was quickly obvious to me that not the art theft, the thing they’re demanding money for, but what my friends up north are really mad about is the hitlerly of the second paragraph and, I suspect, even more just that I made fun of their soda, their website and their mediocre comics. And yes probably their state, too, knowing what I know about the people in that area. And many other areas. Otherwise, why would they care? The only other alternative is that they’re just nasty people, because clearly I have no power and no reputation which would give my words any great weight in a serious situation. They don’t really expect to get one hundred fifty thousand dollars from me, they just want people to stop talking spackle about Capten Eli and their precious “down east.” Evidently the irony of making crazy threats at being associated with naxis is lost on them.

Gah, no wonder the Wannawaf bofo didn’t want to sell that stuff.

You wouldn’t sue me JUST for copying a picture and putting it on a webpage any more than you would if I’d taped it to the front door of my house. That is not the first step (verily, you must climb four to reach the door). Yet this is the only real charge. Otherwise, the note implies that merely saving an image to my hard drive is a crime, and I must assume 90+% of internet users have been guilty of that at one time or another. Maybe it will come about that browser caches themselves are illegal. We already have a good amount of online video set so that it can only be viewed streamed. Oh well. As long as I can keep downloading roms, it shouldn’t be too much trouble. I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if the ope whose “kingdom hearts plot” guide I insulted a paragraph from came after me now.

I’m not angry at Jay Piscopo, the author. Not for this. Not that much. Because, for one thing, I don’t think it was his idea. I think maybe he found my entroid, and showed it to one of the shipyard brewers and said


“Lookie here! Capt’n Eli, the e-pit-o-me of wholesome, the toast of Down East, hero to children worldwide in my mind, before a wall of hitlers! That’s not cool, man!”

“I’ll take care of it.”

It bothered me, sure, it bothered me a lot, but I came closer to crying when the ridiculous october weather here required me to rereinstall and rereuninstall my fan in the same day.

If I could go back and do things differently, would I? Certainly. I wish I had made Hitler be smoking a joint so the lawyer could inform me of the dangers of drug abuse. Or I wish I had titled the entry “Capt’n Eli is a crackhead” or “Jay P’scopo is a sobbing talentless trainwreck of a man” just to see that printed on the letter. Although neither of those things can conclusively be proven as true merely by the evidence available. And that would have made writing the return letter slightly more awkward. But oh, I wrote it. It wasn’t exactly groveling, but I think it gave in on more points than it should have. Every word is true, though. Words themselves cannot be lies, can they? I should have said every statement is true.


re: cease and desist demand
unauthorized use of copyrighted materials

Dear Sinclair Law Offices:

I am deeply troubled that my website entry was found to be offensive,
particularly by your clients, to such an extent that they would seek
legal action. I immediately complied with the demand to remove the
infringing materials, from all possible places. My goal is always to
amuse myself and potential others; never do I embark upon quests of
simple hate, so anything which appears to be such is most unwelcome at
bimshwel.com.

Though not seeking to excuse myself, I will say that the employment of
the Hitler image was intended solely to be ridiculous, as many popular
media have rendered the sight of him in recent years. The swastika was
to be thought of as incidental as the mustache, though in retrospect I
fully understand how someone could think otherwise. I myself have been
most dissatisfied with the lack of accountability among cruel and
rambunctious persons on the internet.

Please accept this letter as an assurance that the matter has been dealt
with in the requested manner.

Your humble servant,
Brendalyndalyn Cunninkhom

“Regardless of legality, I still think you’re a creepy and scary person for taking such threatening actions over the equivelant of having a hat and glasses drawn on your re-election poster.” is just one of several things I reluctantly removed before the final version. I’m glad the word “rambunctious” survived.

“Brendalyndalyn Cunninkhom” was the name those people or that person pulled from the public who-is database of internet domain registrants and then placed within doubting quotation marks in the letter which was sent to me but not addressed to me. Rather, the letter was addressed to my parental persons, whose credit card I used. Who owns the credit card is only relevant if you’re trying to make trouble. As I see it, this gang think I’m some stupid dumb kid and they thought they were going to get me punished in a domestic fashion with this business, and even if I had I wouldn’t want to think I let them have such satisfaction, believed I it within my power to control that. I’m not even convinced the “Sinclair Law Offices” exist.

I don’t have a credit card. Neither does my considerably more self-sufficient brother Eeple, but that didn’t impede some thug from breaching his myspace page and registering a credit card in his name. I’m sure it’s printed somewhere in the seven mile myspace privacy policy that they let people do that. It will probably happen to me, too, but at least when it does I’ll have a pretty good idea where the name was gotten from. Also, I like to think whoever sends a bill to me will notice it’s kind of wrong.

The vagueness of the dedication “dear sinclair law offices” is my fault, sort of. Unable to decipher the signature on the letter –and who signs a letter, especially an angry one, “sincerely by,” anyway?– I decided to seek out the law offices’ website to find a name that looked similar to the signature. Curiously, the office seemed to specialize in medical malpractice cases. The web page opened with a big five point internet font “INJURED?” I guess that also extends to hurt feelings, though that was not among one of the numerous injuries mentioned on the front page. “Bedsores,” however, shew up three times, and apparently you can sue your bed. And then I realized “oh, this is a DIFFERENT Sinclair law offices!” It has come to my attention that there are like 800 lawyers named “Sinclair,” most of them in Florida. And so I just searched for the address, which is either “harborview properties” or the center of a road, depending on whether I believe google’s text or map search more. So I’m either being harassed by a seriously small time operation or it simply does not exist. Yeh, they want $150,000 so they can stop renting space and pay someone to make a website for them.

If Eli and the Shipyard Brewers had followed Popeye and the Happy Co.’s examples, I would have just made fun of their copyright notices and we’d never have had this problem. Or I could have linked to DUDE, IT’S SHIPYARD and cried myself to sleep. This is what comedy is in Maine. It’s also in Mp4 format. I’m never one to say “get with the times,” but mice all-whitey, use a quicker imbedded video format. This is a couple boozos talking about boze, not mc escher the movie.

If I could give advice to you: don’t reuse pictures from other people’s websites, don’t insert Hitler into them, and most certainly do not link to the original website if you do the other two things. The only reason I did that was because I wanted people to see the scary, minimum effort, totally unnecessary Flash welcome. That these thugs found me means someone did, and I’m always glad to know people are clicking my links.



January 22, 2008
Mimett greens

What’s all this “Down east” business? I hate that. I wouldn’t mind if just one person said it, but it’s all over the place. There’s a Maine-centric magazine called Down East, and these people own every copy. Just the cover story for this month makes me extremely skeptical as to there being adequate material to fill all the pages every month, let alone for ten years, and that a consistent reader wouldn’t notice repeat articles. By the way, pirates say ARRRRRR, not ARRRRRGH, matey. ARRRRRGH is what you say when someone drops a watermelon on your foot or Garfield steals your lasagnea. Pirates may say “arrrrrgh” when they find out you misquoted them.

You might think I’m a horrible person, to be welcomed as a guest into someone’s home and then to critique minor aspects of things which were not even thrust upon me (and I took more pictures than this), but as we were renting the home, and for about $200 a day, I will treat it as a commercial establishment. If I wanted to read about Maine, I wouldn’t live there. Rooms outside the basement feature bookcases filled entirely with non-fiction books written by Maine residents (that is, if we accept “Maine is great” as fact). How am I supposed to deal with that?


The same way I deal with this, I reckon, and I still haven’t figured that out.


I’ve lived in Connecticut, which is essentially the same thing, my whole life and never once paid someone else to let me read about it. I certainly wouldn’t commit to a year of that. Here’s what you need to know: lighthouses, lobster, boats, beachfront property. Every story will be about one of those things. They don’t tell you to expect white-painted buildings decorated with gratuitous anchor imagery, but you learn that as you go along.

Other magazines: 50% off! Considering that they’re old, some from the 1970s, if I recall with accuracy, they ought to be 80% off. They were in some stupid “retro” store, but the fact remains these were the only magazines beside Down East I saw while I was in Maine, meaning the slightest possibility exists of there being no other magazines, so it’s hard to blame people for choosing such an alternative, if they absolutely must read magazines. Even if these are music magazines. What’s more annoying than reading stuff people wrote about music? When I either can’t hear it, already hate it, or simply don’t want it pretentiously analyzed? It’s probably not as bad from dirty hippies as dipfip smirking espn-ites, but the hippies have a secret weapon for promoting their agenda: grubby, garbage underground comixs with an x.

But this is… so horrible I can’t… I must finish my other tangent.


Ehhh, but strictly regarded printed word articles, probably worse than music is people writing about their state. No, geheh, a specific tiny portion of that state, indistinguishable from the tiny regions of that state around it, indistinguishable from the tiny regions of the other states around that. Here’s a riddle: How do you know when you get to Maine? A sign tells you. It’s pretty, some of it, sometimes, but it’s nothing I haven’t been seeing for twenty-four years. Although I admit I don’t remember the first four so well; if I had spent that time in Space or Romania I wouldn’t know it. I know where I was in August, though, and it might as well be where I am now.


Where is this? I don’t know, but it lasts for a few hours.


Evidently Madison isn’t remote and stereotypically “White” enough for some people. You can never have too many 50+ year old grey haired men wearing sunglasses and baseball cap hats. At least a kook who fancies himself an admiral and dresses accordingly can be amusing. These people, though, I just find myself wanting to slap.

I will cut this off here before I resume whining about comix or start whining about food. The only reason I even mentioned that stupid magazine was because I referred to it in the thing I was supposed to put here today, and if I start talking about hating things totally unrelated to what I set out to talk about hating, we could be here all day. I me, I’ll be here all day anyway, anyday, but you shouldn’t have to be.



January 18, 2008
don’t leave your girl around ME; true playa for REAL


Some guy called Saint Zartan showed me a link to these things back in October, some company called “choice shirts” selling various objects of personal adornment I myself would never choose. What follows is much of the message I sent in return, plus some other junk I was hoping to not to find when I went to verify that the link still worked. You know I’m desperate when I’m digging up my old email. I hate dirt.

I also hate the readily available font options in wordpress. I’m pretty sure I have to define everything in styles.css in advance and then I need to upload that and oh the pain. But ehhh,

Because you are a Yankee Loud Mouth by birth and I am one by virtue of my intolerable politics of tolerance and empathy, I am certain that you will not want to miss the shirt called “Write A Check…” (available in sizes up to 6XL!).


Not only could I not cash the check, I couldn’t even save the tiny sample picture without dredging through my browser cache. They have the imdib amazon.corn technology which as anyone can see has stopped me from stealing pictures on many occasions. It’s an understandable precaution by the choiceshirts people, however: a real rebel wouldn’t pay for clothing from a website. He’d load up Apple Safari, download a picture, print it out, knit his own shirt and iron-on the design himself. All his friends will be impressed, not just with his home economics skills, but also when they see his pixelated, jaypeg artifact ghost pit-bull behind unreadable words reminiscent of what you see on that thar fancy bank paper.

What does this mean? Bimshwel scientists have deduced that the saloon/circus font on the big yellow ball reads “REBEL FASTPITCH SINCE 1861” but that doesn’t explain a whole lot, nor can I even figure out how the speed at which a low weight round object is propelled through the air may be inherently rebellious. I assume, and that’s all I can do, that the big woids mean any woman who attempts to toss a spheroid in a different fashion, id ehhhst, like a man, is stepping outside her place and by disrespecting men she therefore disrespects Jesus and is probably a lesbian too and Jesus doesn’t like that either. I’m just assuming. You know what Jesus loves, though: slaves country music.


That’s an order. You must love that country music. While I admit I’m personally curious as to what the hat and boots sound like, I’m comforted to know that whatever it is I must love it. Just like Evita. Those are some good songs, yo. Andrew Lloyd Webber, what a master. The kind without slaves, I mean. This is about heritage.


See, what’d I tell you.

Heritage, not hate. Being an ornery aynod whose clothing challenges other people to fights isn’t hate. It’s manning up. I think I just wrote a new shirt.


And then, of course, you follow it up with this. Doot, your heritage is hate. Even if you convince me it wasn’t, it is by now. Uck, at least those evil smirks in Detroit admit what they’re on about and pretend to have evidence which justifies them.


No no no, ignorant fop, you misunderstand completely. Their noble plantating ancestors loved their rightless servants. Trust me, they were very grateful for the luxurious master manors they were able to buy from the hard work they weren’t doing. They only took up the whip because they had to. Now then, would you like to join my cult?

Marco is right. The slave owners were so deluded they thought they were protecting their slaves. They weren’t smart enough to hate their slaves. Their descendents, to their credit, have learned to hate.


You’re saying I should be more offended?
I don’t know who’s a rebel these days, but if there’s a huge company printing asinine slogans and empty threats on clothing and making a disgusting profit selling it to anyone with their own credit card or someone else’s over the internet, and you gladly participate, it isn’t you.


What does this angry texas Skeleton pointing at my left shoulder have to do with God gracing anything? I thought there was nothing less godly than the undead making war on the citizens of earth. If anything, we have been forsaken.

Whip skeletons, not slaves! There is no bigger threat to our glorious union than flying skeletons.


Just this once, I’ll allow you to dissect the irony yourself. And no, I don’t even mean people still upset at the failure of a one-hundred-forty year old movement of armed defiance they haven’t the slightest grasp of the meaning behind complaining about crybabies.


I’m not certain what this says –but don’t worry, I’m pretty sure it’s something to do with rationalizing committing adultery with a poorly drawn horse you put makeup on– I just think the amount of reading required exceeds the maximum amount that is considered rebellious.

All right, very right, men have asserted themselves. What do the ladies think? Hopefully they can stand up for their own rights, maybe add a touch of class to the proceedings and remind us all of the famous Southern Hospitality that

Uhhhhhhhhhhh…

hhhhhhhhhhhhhh……

I’ve seen some ugly shirts, and these fortunately don’t get printed until somebody orders one. I actually think the Confederate flag is kind of pretty and more aesthetically balanced than its competitor, but I don’t believe that’s high, or even present among anyone else’s concerns here.


I’m fascinated by the idea that Southern Mom and Southern Bitch receive
the exact same treatment.

I’m hardly surprised, though. Here’s something really special:

If you mess with my wife
I can forgive you.
If you mess with my truck or dogs,
I’ll shoot you!
             -COONHUNTER

Seckshual objectification and misogyny/willingness to be objectified and misogyny’ed, mortal violence as adjudicator of minorest grievances, pride in one’s own laziness outside that category, inexplicable love for the scariest dogs and scarierest recording artists…
I can’t help noticing that the least pleasant people, regardless of their race type, have very much in common. Why can’t they get along?

There is, as far as I know, no way to weave a sterilization agent directly into a 90-10 cotton/poly blend. But we can dream.



January 15, 2008
We can’t even kick it no more.

unusable rubbish:

I’m not impressed that you can play an instrument if you choose bad music to play on it. I refuse to clap for some whiny guitar dork on a stool who just moans at me. I don’t even clap for music I like. It’s probably not normal to applaud a television set anyhow. Not that a whole lot of music I like comes through it, but if some did, I would not congratulate it. Times are tough.

Bare Nakedladies are like the Canadian Smash Mouth.

Acupuncture is too weak. We need stabyoupuncture.

They might be giants: are they or aren’t they? Why do we still not know?! They’ve been making annoying songs for I’m told over twenty years and we don’t know how tall they are yet.

The plight of the post-madonna is largely ignored in this country

Why “soccer moms?” Everyone needs a beating for saying that. I will not recommend “sock-her moms” because most of the fools who use that phrase are men and people usually don’t follow my advice.

Why hasn’t anyone ever tried to make a really big cupcake?

We don’t hear enough about self-deprecating failures. I don’t give a boot if Hidey Kloom used to be ugly or if Justin Timbermcdaniel doesn’t have to “try” to have a hit song. What about the people who still are ugly, what about the people who try every single day and never get acknowledged? Famous persons’ lack of effort and past minor issues don’t make me like them any better. I may find a way to like them less if they keep bragging about it.

That thing cats do to clean themselves is really gross.

I hate those oranges that are so soft that it’s impossible to deskin them without squeezing lots of wet stuff out of them, and then by the time I go to eat it, most of the juice has escaped captivity. What are those called… you know, the green and brown ones. I hate those.

Why should I buy now while supplies last? If it’s going to sell out anyway, why do they care whether I have one or don’t?

I know toilet paper like I know the back of my hand. But which hand side is the back?

The best place for men to pick up women is the moon.

Gold fish do not want peace; they believe they are the master race

When I see most white people, I want to hit them. When I see most black people, I’m afraid they’ll hit me. It’s a balanced system.

Critics love movies in which people get married or violate their wedding vows.

You need certification to teach as a teacher, but anyone is permitted to spread misinformation. Or so I hear.

The only time I’m ever likely to cite “it’s in my blood” is if I get sick from mercury poisoning.

Have you ever noticed how much often sounds like “dolphin?” Can you imagine if every time someone meant often it came out as “dolphin?” Crazy. Why yes, I dolphin go to the bakery. Here in Detroit, we dolphin blame black people for our problems. Myspace users dolphin engage in child molestation. Even when near-sleep I knew this was terribly retarded and not all that likely to produce usable material. This is, however, the closest I’ve yet come to figuring out why people started saying “off-ten” about ten years ago.



January 13, 2008
I kicked him where his appendix used to be!

If anyone is still here after the previous two long, boring entries, do not worry, I’m probably not done talking about the stupid writer strike. The beetiful thing about long boring entries, as compared to a mythical other kind, is that they have twice as many unresearched or biased statements as usual to awkwardly back away from later. Hey, more stupid comics, and I officially have no “process.” I’ll see you again in spring, next week, or hell. You remember what happened last time…



January 11, 2008
Hhhhi kids. We’re home early.


I’ve noticed I write a lot of really long articloids in which I paranoidly expound upon issues which really don’t matter all that much. Which reminds me:

Disciplinary action? Are they going to make him sit in the Time Out chair? Will he have to stand Against the Fence during recess? I have long been of the opinion that Jay Leno’s writers don’t do all that much and the apparent ease with which he gets through the regular monologue without them, to the extent that the people representing the writers have to tell him to stop proves it. I think? The show’s best bit is Headlines, featuring news items, some of them headlines, from various publications and such, and most of them, as I understand it, are sent to the show by viewers. At most, the writers then sift through the things to decide which are funny. But you wouldn’t necessarily need a writer to do that. And all the terrible non-lenoly field segments since Howie Mandel got another job certainly don’t seem written and might as well not be. If this particular class of Leno writers out protesting means no more of those, then great. The remainder of “desk pieces” and sketch-like-presentations tend to only seem funny when a prop doesn’t function properly and Jay Leno has to cover for it. For years they would have, for who-knows-why, Gilbert Gottfried portray characters that were only funny when Jay went off the script to criticize them for forgetting the script.

KFC explains the writer’s strike. I present it in full not because I feel like addressing it in full (so don’t feel compelled to read those tiny letters) but just because I don’t want to look like I fear kfc’s 11 herbs and spices of persuasion.


So already we know we’re dealing with a masochist.


I don’t know much about the writer guild strike, because I’m not in it and don’t belong to any union, though I did follow one or two Yahoo clubs for about a week back in the day. But I know enough to see that it’s mostly valid and at any rate I could always stand to watch less dumb tv shows. All I know about KFC, who evidently has made no other post on any news article at whatever site this was, is the name KFC, which I confess I don’t necessarily associate with the task at hand. In fact, there are few situations in which I would be most inclined to agree with someone named kfc. I don’t know. On this particular occasion, I tend not to think of “kfc” and “reasonable attitude towards worker pay-rates and general well being” in the same paragraphs. Even less so if chickens count as employees.

Which is not to say this kfc doesn’t have any points, just that it’s unlikely. I don’t trust this a great deal more than I trust the person who signed up at the imdib just to give Who’s Your Caddy? a ten star rating. But maybe KFC so simply thought “I have been silent long enough. Now is the time for KFC’s feelings to be known. My recipe shall remain secret.” While KFC doesn’t seem dangerously crazy regarding this whole thing, it’s that bit about writers knowing “their place” which puts me off. Not just the phrasing and choice of words, either, though that historically has brought to my mind the thought of fat bearded oafs smacking their wives around for not fixing mah dinner. Or more recently, if a couple years past relevance, Dwayne “Rocky Melvin” Johnson ordering a coworker to “shut your mouth and know your role, jabroni” which I suppose is an improvement but still inappropriate workplace behavior in most other professions. Ooh, oh, h, also, stating advance predisposition toward the “I’ll give you something to complain about” approach to resolving disputes, which haven’t even been brought up yet, is worth monitoring. I reckon kfc is used to monitoring people so my apprehension shouldn’t be a problem.

But ehhh! You can’t just lead in some new yarbos to write all the tv shows, yarbos who don’t necessarily know what the program’s goal is or have a decent relationship with the actors. If it got that far, you would only have a new show that pretends it’s an old one. It would be like Kevin on the telephone in Home Alone 2. Credit card? Nooo problem! Every day. We’ve seen, surely, what happens to movies when important people aren’t involved with sequels and such. I mean, look what they did to the once splendid Air Bud franchise. I believe a dog can play basketball on a competitive level but baseball? Puhleeze. That kind of movie should be illegal and then I can call the pahleece.


I could have used you about fifteen seconds ago! Try and keep up!


And why we don’t get legions of non-guild writers devising a legion of non-guild sit-coms is a more complicated matter than I’m capable of going into at the moment, but I’m sure it would be slightly worse than the current situation. Not for the financiers; KFC is right that enough patrons probably don’t care sufficiently about writer justice leagues or whatever to not watch a program out of protest of a network or production company or intelligence insulting grits ‘n gristle. But they should!

Many employers will take the opportunity to be abusive, even if KFC might not, but it wouldn’t surprise me. Workers need some sort of collective power so we don’t get mafia-like organizations, to an even greater extent than they already are, firing people for arbitrary reasons and sending children into coal mines and all that sort of thing.
I can understand disagreeing with the strike, but unions in general are good things. KFC also seems to have disregarded the existence of a Screen Actors Guild, which has just as much potential to strike and would be even more obvious and obnoxious in doing so.

What KFC doesn’t understand is that it’s not about writers wanting more money. The strike is about writers wanting any money at all for the redistribution of their material in media not mentioned in their previous contracts. There’s also some stuff to do with cartoon writing and “””reality””” writing, as those writers are not involved with this strike. While I don’t know why this means Jay Leno risks a spanking and a harsh talking to for writing his own monologodonahue, I think it’s worth letting happen. I suppose.

Jay Leno doesn’t have Conan O’Funyun’s advantage of being able to act like a skeleton and dance around for 20 minutes should the need arise. The Daily Colbert have done surprisingly well, to me, without scripts, but a lot of what they do involves watching stupid moments from MSNBC and having approximately the same/opposite reaction as the audience. Deciding which clips are funny and queuing them up to play in a certain order at certain points evidently does not constitute “scripting.” And good. I like those shows. But oooh, Jay Leno can’t scribble out some jokes, some of which he’s been telling for over ten years? Eh, as far as I know he hasn’t stopped. Well, we read that story a week ago, maybe the threat was rescinded. Well don’t we owe it to our reader to verify-


Keep quiet and let me finish this!


I do hate some of those pedantic union rules, like how I’m not allowed to move this table here. No, we have to call someone to come in and move it for us. You don’t get paid on a commission, do you? I’m not trying to steal your job! I’m trying to move a table! If I tear my scottbaculoids from overexertion because I tried to move the table, it’s not like I can sue you for owning the table, because you already told me not to move it! Oh. I see. That works. Well, maybe Ron Paul can fix that. It might surprise you to know that there are just as many people writing this page as before.



January 8, 2008
Peaches come from a can. They were put there by a man.

Eh, bien, hither be the zelda classic page. Some of it works. You don’t even need to read it, I just need to know that it’s here, rather than hidden on my hard drive, where I could presumably spend eternity trying to make a decent product out of something not worthy of great concern either way.



January 5, 2008
Go ahead, release your fears MY OH MY hey, hey, hey


Long time, part time or morphin’ time readers may know I have an ongoing feud with ducks. The Aflac duck, akadaka “The Aflac Duck” usually doesn’t factor into our dispute… I consider the rivalry to be of an honorable sort, or as closest a wretched scoundrel duck can come to that, but this duck is but a dirty uncouth rapscallion without even the minimal decency of its fethren. I’m sure some person, some place thinks it is comendable that advertisers attempt to make their filths tolerable to larger audiences then those who might have an immediate “need” to purchase insurance, but that ignores the fact that there’s no reason for anyone to watch ads or accept that they are shown. And insurance in general is a dire, dire dock scam against humanity. And also that that duck is a magnificent distance from tolerable.

It’s bad enough when every fumblewig who can afford ad time thinks they’re so clever commissioning wooden puppets of themselves roundabout December, but this is… slightly more bad than that.

I don’t even like stupid rudolph the dumb red idiot nosed moron reindeer and I think the recent aflac ad, which I can easily embed in this page but never will, is, was despicable. Like worse than the other ones. I suppose it’s good that the ad was “unauthorized,” meaning whoever owns the rights to the characters and situations and such gave no assistance or permission, but it’s also bad because that means anybody can make a cheap daft Winnie-the-pooh-job ad with any characters they want and get away with it. Not that anybody really “owns” Santa Claus, but I think we’re smart enough to know when something’s an obviously derivative work which exists exclusively to sell a product or service and only attempts to be entertaining to distract us from that while it takes our nostalgia behind a barn and shoots it in the head. Fortunately, the ad is so quick and crowded -and I knew it was coming! I was mentally prepared in advance when I watched it online- plus the addition of that tiresome duck which never wasn’t annoying that no one could possibly like or excuse it.




Also, am I the only person who’s bothered by these vague “smart dates” that show up all over the place now? That really messes with the accuracy of my screen grasps if I don’t use them right away; all my rudolph abuse occurs past immediate relevance so you know I mean bidness. I prefer to see a simple calendar figure. It doesn’t matter to me if you put the month number first or second. I’ll figure it out from the context the first time and remember it after that. I’m smarter than I eat.

Even at the moment the dates are generated, when they’re correct, I have no immediate concept of what “four weeks ago” means. Was that in November? Was that in… no, that’s twenty eight days, right? Almost a month. So what about “1 month ago,” then? And how do I know when something occurred beween 1 and 2 months ago? As far as this system is concerned everything happened on the same day. Grapety purple, I need to know these things! We aren’t talking about veoh comments, after all. Stop trying to make the past seem like uncertain memories of insubordinate importance which are worth knowing with decreasing specificness the older they get! We have the technology to know exactly when these messages were left! If I choose to say an event took place one month, two weeks, three days, back to back law and orders and a belt buckle ago, it should be my choice! And it won’t be! Screebidy deebidy!



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them`s fightin` woids: March 22, 2017
Charmlatan sez:
I bet that insidious Lizard Man only came to the wedding to show off his new mammaries!
March 16, 2017
Indighost sez:
Looks lovely. I’d like to go there.
March 11, 2017
Indighost sez:
Thanks for your thoughts. I think it was your old post about Don Rosa, a person whom I did not...
March 11, 2017
Frimpinheap sez:
I find real ducks amusing, but cartoon ducks tiresome, since so many people thoughtlessly...
March 10, 2017
Indighost sez:
Oh by the way, this is me.
March 10, 2017
Anonymous sez:
Thanks again Frimp! Randomly, could you make a post about the announcement of the new DuckTales...
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