I say, old fruit, will your chum be along soon? It really is getting on for time. This fellow, is he a reliable sort, what?
Oh, jolly good.
Oh, gee, shanksh for the head-ups too late to stop me from reading the ending! I might as well not even watch now! Imdb staff really ought to change the screening policy!
Zounds! And I’d never have guessed his secret identity, but now I’ve been denied the opportunity to try altogether!
Is anyone still fooled by these? With dithered title-bar colors and a windows 95 logo? Windows 95 couldn’t even do the title-bar color shifting! That was Windows 98! Oh ho! And my critique is not finished! Hey, the last computer I had which ran typically in 256 color mode wouldn’t have been able to fit this ad on its screen at all, much less connect directly to the internet, because that was in 1994, in a yet earlier version of Windows, and this sort of sinistry wasn’t yet so common that people no longer thought to be disgusted by it! And real message boxes certainly don’t jump around! Arrrgh! This ad is utterly illogical! Everything about it is stupid and thoughtless! Why is my winning designated by an angry red x-circle? And shouldn’t the visitor after 999,999 be the winner? Why is there a maximize button on this ad? Doesn’t anyone pay attention to their craft? Is this the job you get if you don’t?
Sprite comics sold out! I’m only surprised this didn’t happen sooner. We’ve been getting ads intentionally designed to resemble cheap, hacky flash cartoons for years. I find it peculiar that the designer of this used the Sonic Hedgehog 2 first level as backdrop but Sonic Advance character images. I presume the older graphics were instantly obvious as more inventive and appealing, yet it was generally accepted that the post megadrive gangle-legged Sonic characters are 300% whorier than the originals (in any conceivable sense I may have meant that), and thus better suited for selling dopey telephones that they, as stupid naked animals would never be in position to purchase, much less afford. In fact I have it on good authority that at any sign of modern technology their first instinct is to assume a ball shape and bash themselves against it until it explodes. Surely they resent having such disablingly enormous heads as to make such tiny little telephones entirely dysfunctional. Cantinflas, even at sensible proportions they’d be out of luck with their ears in such ridiculous places. And you can forget about “texting” (please) with those giant Disney World gloves.
As for why this pair are out of scale with their surroundings, rather than referring back to the previous item’s point that the people who design internet ads surely have histories of indolent failure, this probably just happened incidentally and wasn’t expected to be noticed by anyone. I noticed! Ha ha!
Coward! Who told you my one weakness is having it suggested that my name is Phineas? I was so upset that I fell down a staircase and re-broke my leg! You win this round, shrubswine! As soon as I have my surgery I will also have my revenge!
This space reserved for anything at all else. I do not exaggerate when I say I’m seeing that bearded ruffian in my dreams now.
Is America ready for a white Eddie Murphy?
His head is in the logo. That is never good.
I can’t believe I wrote another one of these.
I can totally believe I wrote another one of these. In a symbolic and totally pointless gesture I am retiring the “yimp” image subdirectory I’ve used since bimp. I’d like to think I’m also retiring endless, partially valid, miserable gripe-fountains I’m so wary of that I force onto separate pages, but I’d also like to think a diet composed largely of fried chicken, chocolate and iced tea is conducive to a long, pleasant life. Aw naw!
Some weeks ago, not long in the present, a person, known as Runde, who I happened to be in occasional contact with, suddenly proclaimed that he would accept artwork subject requests from ten people, no more, no less.
There’s a lot of request requesting in the field of deviant arts, but like any other noticeably non-journalistic task the journal construction tools are used for, usually peculiar demands are made in return which seek to have other people imitate the deed and more importantly bring glory to the person who ordered the imitations, and occasionally whoever first ordered it as well. I will probably explain this in detail some other time. I actually already did but it’s… painful. I am trying to separate my annoyance at the system in general from my lack of annoyance at a situation which came up once. That means I took out the bit about “stamps,” too. All the mood-swinging was disrupting my ear-fluid.
Runde, though, not only cast out the free request line, but decided to break the indirect validation chain by dropping any arbitrary complications as well, in a display of selflessness and humility I’d rarely manage, simply stating “I would like the practice.” I bean if it was me I’d be getting all up in them journals like “Behold, my might, fools! Look at what I am doing for you! Ten silly beasts for the price of none! You now bear the weight of my eternal curse until you pass it to ten others! Is that what it is worth to you?” Runde is not a wicked sorcerer in these matters. There still was one problem, however, also me.
The wicked thought came to me what an opportunity I had to get someone else to draw a nemitz without being expected to embarrass myself beyond my usual quota at a later date (as I am no good with public displays of anything). But why? I’ve drawn probably thousands of them already, typically to a standard I regard as adequate. Any significance to having one made by someone else is lost if I have to ask for it, right?
You may see how this “quayeg” “person” attempts to shift ultimate responsibility, either to not seem obsessed or to not seem interested, but I know the truth.
And so, not incredibly long later,
There! At the right! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!
A reasonable person would assume nemitz can’t read, but we have no evidence nor accusation that any word comprehension is taking place here. The positioning of nemitzs’ nemittens suggests that it intends to eat the book. I reckon the robot kaiser turtle is having none of that.
I suppose it’s good to know that nemitz, at least, is better at making friends than I am. Also that it’s possible for the creature to be drawn with more reasonably-exposed eyes without looking creepy[er]. I have tried and failed, but this Runde person seems to have figured it out, and without any apparent hint of resentment, either.
If some weirdo (“some weirdo” referring to a person like myself, just not specifically me for the purposes of this hypothesis) I hardly, if at all, knew, responded to an offer I surely meant for someone else and said “eck! draw this thing you likely never wanted to be drawing and for free,” the chance is that I’d find some awkward way out of it or do it poorly or in such a way that it no longer fully resembled the thing. Yet that there is unmistakably the nemitz. Indeed, I suspect that a couple of the ten were only taken on begrudgingly, but I cannot tell which, looking at the results. That is good. If you want to have actual art-work, that’s pretty much all it is. Drawing things you hate but making it look like you don’t necessarily hate it, meanwhile wondering how The Wizard of Id could possibly have required the contributions of two people. By the basket, did you know both Parker and Hart have been dead for a year? I thought they had been murdered and secretly replaced by a jealous photocopier twenty years ago.
Rundeh is one of a small unaffiliated group of persons who for whatever reason found and left positive remarks regarding stupid junk I had made, with the effect of altering my perception of community art website users as terrible people terribly obsessed with terrible things. I still think a lot of them are, but I don’t see why you have to be so negative all the time. As you know, I only made a deviant-art page at all because some yahoo dared me.
This was a strange situation. The figures from the previous group, at least by their default arrangement on the gallery page, seem to have taken a distinct dislike to nemitz. I’m sure they have a perfectly good reason. I speculated that they may be gods, due to the immense size suggested by not fitting their entire selves on the page, and also the general influence of the devilish being lurking in the back. And… have you ever seen a happy god? They’re always mad at something. And in this case it’s nemitz. Maybe that book is the Necronomicon. I hear they plan to take revenge by dropping an empty coke bottle on nemitz.
Actually, it only appears this way if your screen resolution is above 1024×768, because a few months ago the deviant-art machine placed a big block stupid ad in the uppermost row of every gallery page belonging to someone not paying protection money. (Gods use big monitors)
Another thing I like about Ryundai is that he doesn’t waste paper. If it seems imprudent to cram mass amounts of crazy fools onto one page together he tends to occupy excess space with bizarre heirlogryphy symbols floating all over the place in such a way that they seem like they make sense there. He also has pretty handwriting. I won’t pretend I think he regards Free Sketches 4 to 7 as his best ever work just because nemitz is in it, I just thought it would function well as a selfish visual aid for me. I was really only here today to talk about that.
Yes, so… I just thought I’d mention that? I swear none of this is supposed to be an insult. I have often observed that the amount of insult I cause is inversely-proportional to the amount I intend to cause.
Look, see? Already. I have offended my own graphics by not wanting to offend anyone. Truly, I cannot win.
The internet has it in for me.
May 17, 1999:
Roneldo invents sixth l33t way to spell name. Chatrooms take notice.
It looks like my meeplesworth needs will be satisfied at last. Nevermind that the actual site I was searching at found nothing; all other sites on the internet have more meeplesworth than they can handle.
I do NOT want xxx adult meeplesworth!
Ah! Life, is, gooood.
Now we are really talking the business. I trust the mark of the Two Horny Grannies. They know their meeplesworth.
The meeplesworth saga is a strange one indeed.
What happened is that I once typed “meeplesworth” into a less than reputable search engine because I suspected it was lying when it told me other sites had magnificent, fast, randomly sized downloads of things I never seemed to be able to actually get anywhere despite how incredibly popular they were reported to be. Rather than admit it had nothing, it made up random nonsense, it lied, in an attempt to get me to visit its obviously affiliated useless clone sites where I would never find what I wanted but it could load its own ads forever. That’s what real e-commerce is all about! Tricking people, giving them nothing, and demanding money from them. And now that the central computer thinks people are searching for “meeplesworth,” links to the list of worthless links it made when I typed meeplesworth will also show up forever anytime someone tries to find real meeplesworth. The only things better, after al, than nothing are search results for nothing. Surprise! Your search didn’t actually find what you wanted, just another list of useless search results! And now: ADS.
Do not dismiss this as me whining that I can’t get things for free, and so I deserve whatever pitiful fate may come of that; I have plenty of meeplesworth. I may not get my money’s worth, but I always get my meeplesworth. This is me whining that there are people who get paid to design computers that lie. There are people who get paid to raise expectations which they know can never be met. There are people who get paid to design products that don’t work. They get paid to design ads for products that don’t work. They get paid to run ads for products which don’t work. They get paid to run ads for services which do not exist. They get paid to appear in and tell people to see hundred-million-dollar films they know are horrible, and knew would be horrible. They get paid to lie about stupid microwave popcorn chemicals harrassing people’s lungs. They get paid to fabricate nonsense scientific data justifying ludicrously high energy prices despite a consistent rise in profits. They get paid to say a war which kills thousands and thousands of people and that never ends really isn’t that bad and so might as well not end
oh excuse me that’s the democrat presidential race. And who’s paying them? We are paying them! We are paying them to rip us off! We are paying them for the right to pay more! EVERYTHING IS LIES AND MONEY GOING TO PEOPLE WHO LIE! BUSINESSES CAN ONLY STAY IN BUSINESS BY DOING BAD BUSINESS AND THEY GLADLY DO SO! DON’T YOU SEE?! IT’S A CONSPIRACY! THEY’RE OUT TO GET US! READ THE MANIFESTO, MAN! TALK TO CHUCK! COMMENT MY PICS! WATCH MY FEET! CHANGE MY DIAPER! TAKE WHAT YOU WILL BUT DON’T RATTLE ME BONES!
Yes, that is what I was getting at.
The tyrannosaurus is so irresponsible. It must be that impulsive carnivore lifestyle. Trex doesn’t think about how its actions affect others or itself longtermly. But it’s just so happy! It doesn’t know tough times are ahead. They’re going to take your house away, Trex!
And by that you mean “Tom Cruise is insane and we assume you agree.” Wow, you’re only two, three years late with this commentary? While I’m mildly intrigued to think how my clicking an ad to share a rarely challenged opinion which affects nothing with a party which has not been identified and possibly does not exist generates revenue, as long as it does I will have no part of it. Perhaps Mr. Cruise is perfectly sane, but his mind’s abilities simply transcend your comprehension; indeed, you’ll probably never understand how he flies through the air and controls the weather. His halo suggests deification.
And what the turtle is “soda head?” That sounds like a rejected Cranium™®© character, and I’ve seen the stuff they accepted! I think I just in general hate website names. Or perhaps in my ignorance I have overlooked the possibility that soda are in fact meat products whose heads and any other recognizable pieces are hacked off prior to distribution so people feel less bad about eating it. That site seeks to raise awareness through making cheap insults against easy public targets. Which is much different than complaining about banner ads. Everybody loves banner ads.
I might play Christmas Doom in march, but I’m not paying to watch Christmas movies I’ve seen before in April. I may, however, complain about an ad which suggests I do such a thing in May. Who do you think you are, Rudolph? Enzyte Bob?
It looks like the ad is telling this guy to rent from the Net Flicks. I think he’s supposed to be standing near a police car, but what I can see looks as much like a mailbox. The man appears unenthusiastic because he has just received a dvd in the mail which he doesn’t remember ordering and foresees many hassles in the future if he does not return it promptly and simultaneously cancel the free trial somebody has prankingly signed him up for.
Well I don’t want it if it’s broken!
DO NOT EVER BUY THESE! DO NOT THINK GEEK! Horrible, horrible, horrible. The way potatos were incorporated and the fact that they were are regrettable, but since when does R2D2 have eyes? None of these should have visible eyes! You thought you were making them “cute” but instead you made them monstrous and frightening in addition to brain-robbingly daft because you did it wrong and you shouldn’t have done it anyway! Why were these made? Did market research reveal that the allegedly existant nearly human hunchbacked recluses who collect “celebriducks” weren’t contributing any money to the Star Wars galactic money bin?
I don’t want free Quacktm messaging! So goof luck finding someone who would pay for it! Also, you’ll be hearing from ducks once they realize you trade-marked the noise they make. You’d best hope they don’t get any celebri-ducks supporting the cause. I will also hope that. I don’t want to see them on The News if I start watching The News.
Why is Speed Racer an American movie? We wouldn’t let Japan make an Underdog movie. I wish we would have!
Who even liked speed racer? I remember in the middle-90s knowing it was on television but not wanting to watch it. It was just some dork who drove a car, after all. It never seemed special enough for me to pay attention to. I thought the theme song was kind of funny but that was all. It was never on in the same place, either. I seem to recall it being on Mtv at some point, when Mtv was still experimenting with just what to have on instead of music television but hadn’t quite latched on to that whole “horrible” concept. Searches for “mtv speed racer” are expectedly useless, as MTV is primarily a black-hole vortex void of commercialism sponsored by commercialism, selling i-pods so people can hear the songs in i-pod ads, so of course mentioning it in the same context as anything which was expected to be popular by people who stood to profit from it in the past 15 years will get nothing but useless speculation, contests, tie-ins, and redundant preview clips in odd places. Why the helicopter is there a “MTV Movies Blog?” Why is there a “MTV Multiplayer” video game site? What is “mtv?” The name is meaningless.
Who gives a nosegay what some ubiquitous logo thinks about a category of electronic distraction it has no connection with? The M,T & V are only there so you know you’re not at IGN or TMZ or OBGYN or IHOP. (and oh, do I ever)
I looked just now at what’s on MTV, lucky number 160, the tv channel, the rumored origin of its second and third letters, and the box just says “Next.” And so I look in the box beside that and it also says “Next.” It’s just telling me to not even bother.
Above that is “MTV2,” with an impressive collection of Beavis and But-thead, who I can deal with in controlled doses, and only mention at all because I do believe MTV2 was originally created with the promise that viewers could watch MTV without seeing Beavis or Butthead. But
Yes, that will have to do. Maybe it’s the fact that I never knew anyone liked Speed Racer that makes me less pessimistic than usual about this movie. I can’t tell who’s being pandered to here. I know the movie people like to make cartoons “realistic,” because… they hate cartoons?, but Speed Racer is just a nerd in an automobile who occasionally beats up thugs. How can they mess that up? As expected, there’s a lot of unnecessary, expensive special effects, but the movists used that to put the cars in space or something instead of just boring old race-places. American film-makers actually took a cartoon premise and made it MORE outlandish and LESS realistic (that is; assuming Fat Albert coming out of a television set or seejee Bullwinkle walking around St. Louis or Newark or wherever are realistic). This could easily have been some dumb Nascar cash-in movie celebrating the worst things on the planet but it isn’t. I don’t know what it is. And the less I know the less I can say about it! Now I still have time to go do something productive, like leave inappropriate comments on message-forum-things.
See you in cyberspace.
I wish I could say I’m off my medication, but I’ve been off it for nine years. Wooo0°o°0ooo0°o°0o! Mystérieux! I also haven’t been in an America Online chatroom in about as long and I miss making neat designs with letters and things.
Once again I’ve typed all this junk up and held it captive hoping it would improve without that happening. This is three page-downs of letters I can no longer tolerate the mental stench of knowing I have made but not used, so here, you deal with them. Do you enjoy being my personal dumpster?
I find it peculiar that the official Michael Jackson youtube page… that there is one, but also that it has “favorites,” but only fourteen, and one of them is Patton Oswalt talking about one of my own favorite topics, famous bowls. You know he called you “molesty,” right? (watch out, it’s noise and it’s thirty-five seconds) And yes, I recorded Oswargo’s entire set talking to dumb obe Conan. I used to do that. I actually still do that on rare occasions. Eeb, some people can get the actual video and audio fed directly to their computers, and in fact there are entire communities devoted to that, one of which I may have just linked to, and here’s stupid me in 2008 taking pictures of my screen and fixing a microphone under it. That’s like something someone’s grandmother would do. Which I say because I once read something someone wrote about some relative which my memory has interpreted as “grandmother” doing that and it was sort of depressing. I remember thinking “oh no, I do that too!” And now such a loverly anecdote it makes.
But anyway, does this mean Jackson is an Oswalt fan, or just that the person who runs the page is? I imagine when you get that job there are probably very strict guidelines as to what you can give the sacred bedazzler-glove endorsement to. Or maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way and Emjay just really likes the Famous Bowls. How much do we truly know about his eating habits, anyhow? I know he likes Taco Bell, which despite making absolutely no sense if you accept their food for what they say it is is operated by the same company as Kentucky Fried Chicken. Maybe the dancing lizard money wasn’t distilling the gravy and Taco Jacko became a Yum! Brands shill. (British people pronounce “tahco” as “tacko” so that rhymes because I’m technically European by Rob Schneider standards. Now we just need to find out what “jacko” means.)
I assume that’s the official Michael Jackson page because it’s “friends” with the Sony BMG page. I should never have had to type such an incredibly stupid sentence.
Also, it has comments disabled. An impostor would leave them on just to see how many “is this the real michael?”s it could collect. Those pages are made for attention, and it’s cheaper than buying a giraffe and a ferris wheel.
I know he looks funny, but there’s really no reason to disparage his masculinity like that. Or maybe I just ended up at a fake page for someone else and welcomed an opportunity to show excerpts from it which I’d already saved before the topic came up. The fact that it’s someone I’ve never heard of would only make any desperation inspired more lovably tragic if I loved tragedy. In fact, I’ve witnessed so many muffin-eaters transform into ducks that I’ve become numb. Yet this continues.