AM Saturday: I was writing something about wallets, but I was distracted by skeletons. We will see if I finish.

9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

I over-explain too many of my pictures.

Why do I have footprints on my ceiling? And how, while you’re at it.

A rift develops in the CD-I Zelda cartoon remixing community. Lack of unity threatens to jeopardize the future of poop.

I won a flu shot in a fight. Yes, I won the fight by shooting flu at people and my arm is irrelevant..

If you are forthright about your most sinister sounding ingredient, and go so far as to boast about it on the front of your packaging, people will assume it’s a bonus feature. The Dorito squad could learn a lesson from this. Rancho-salsorella-guacoberry Doritos, now with neutronium mcsparkletrite! This reminds me of those original ads for the Rogaine hair enhancer, where some generic oaf would say a random thing and clarify it by explaining “it’s like Rogaine.” He had to talk about Rogaine through comparison only because laws that haven’t managed to make Cialis ads not-creepy prevented Rogaine’s purpose from being stated in the advertisement. After he said “Rogaine” someone else would pipe in real excited like “Rogaine with Minoxidil?” Verily, that be the one. Not that other rogaine that Scooby Doo buys from Columbian gangsters. Ask your doctor about Rogaine, because otherwise you’ll never find out what it does! As far as I could figure out, it helped men get brochures in the mail about catching fish and riding horses. Now that I do know what Rogaine does I find that imagery completely helpful and appropriate. Are you looking to get away from the hectic, urban lifestyle? Rogaine can help you get pictures of men doing inconsequential stuff outside! We also have pictures of a guy in a kayak and a guy playing golf! As long as my Mute button has functioned, I have observed that most oddly named things that come in little boxes are also good for this.
Hiii. Nice place! Not nice enough! I’m going to read my Rogaine brochure and wish I was at a rodeo, yup yup! Maaan… good times, good times. Oops, let me wipe my keyboard.

Excuse me, I always wipe my keyboard. Doesn’t everybody? Isn’t this a totally normal thing to show somebody doing in an ad? Because I’m always getting wipable stuff on my keyboard and people are always looking at my keyboard when they come to visit, so it makes sense. NO I’M NOT DONE YET!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Apparently, updating this page once every five days is even too frequent.

There is clearly much more important business to tend to, besides.

Poliglotery sounds horrible only to dumbs…

From:  “Heart Attack Jones” <poor_poor_poor_poor_poor_poor_poor_rocket@ya-ho.corn>

To:     “Diane Sawyer” <volcabbage@mailboat.corn>

Date:  Fri, 18 Sep 2009 6:01 AM (5 days 11 hours ago)

Esteemed M. Fabrax,

As you may well know, the G-20 summit will be taking place next week here in Pittsburough. You of course do not live in Pittsburrah, but in light of the recent economic brouhaha, I understand this has been quite a topic elsewhere, as well (or at least Deutsche Welle news gives me this impression). Avid social commentator as you are, I thought that perhaps you might be interested making a work of art to commemorate this event. Ah, but of what subject matter? Well, I personally can’t help you there, but perhaps there’s a chance some third party may have given you a suggestion at some point in the last few weeks which might somehow be thematically appropriate…?

Hmm…

   - A retarded samurai

Seven brides for seven brothers

Date:  Wed, 23 Sep 2009 6:11 PM (right neeyow)

Dear Jones:

Your presumptuousness disgusts me. I don’t like the labels on your soft drinks, either.

   - Plapazor Frinkadudel

I have too many messages to write to people today.

5555555555555555555555555555555

I have decided, if they want to make a Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs movie, fine. I’ll deal with it. But I will have nothing to do with a Cloudy with a Chance of Porky’s 2.

earsearsearsearsearsearsearsearsearsearsearsears

What’s that? No! You’re fibbing! You’re having me on! You must be! I won’t… I can’t believe… No! I refuse!

BABY BUCK CHOC!!!

Walgreens Cafe W bakery. Fresh from the photo lab to you!

Yes, yes, I know! Stop judging me! I only smoke em for the fiber! Prior to my new health awareness, it was a fashion statement.

Hoppity hermaphrodillos, what’s the time?

I’d best go to the beach and jump so I can look at my watch! I’m so glad I eat these pills out of a box! I could never go to the beach and jump before I did, and thus I could never look at my watch, and I always missed Bodacious BBQs!

Never again!

My favorite part of candy is and has always been looking at it and admiring the craftmachineship involved in giving each object its distinct shape. And so I just HAVE to love 3-dees, because 3d is always better, and it’s a clever name, too. Even the sticker is astounded, and usually it takes nothing less than successful completion of first grade math worksheets to impress them.

WHOA BAN MICROSOFT SILVERLIGHT LETS ME TURN THE WINDOW SIDEWAYEEEZ!!!

It can also translate any script into cuneiform.

cakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecakecake

I like your bread, Chabasco, but you’re not my mother.

Choose mountain dew color based on War-Craft allegiance, please. And sure, as long as that’s important to you, go ahead and buy ten. Although I can’t help noticing that red potion favors green bald guys and the blue potion favors pink ladies. Maybe the dewsters had some old formula left over from a Double Dare promotion 15 years ago, or the only two player video game they had in the office was Contra. Unfortunately, it’s still Mountain Dew. Although this is probably to the benefit of the pink ladies, as the huge green oafs already, I suspect, can take bigger beatings, and everybody knows the red kind refills all your hearts twice, so this would give a very unfair advantage to oafkind, me thinks.

Huh? Hwahzaw?

Oh, ho, it is not “still” Mountain Dew. Now it is Mtn Dew. Spelling stuff right is officially considered throwing back. Like, get with the program, puzzlewit. Unless you’d like to help us unload some old, unsold, flat, particle-separated inventory in a zanily misguided quest for nostalgia. If you really want to take me back, try tickling my innards with your manhuntin’ firearms and Appalachian stereotypes.

Kentucky Fried Chicken to “KFC” i can understand, because it’s a mouthful (of chemically-infused, frankensteinian steroided up grease flavored meat product that by the way animals were bred in captivity, abused in tiny cages, and killed to make (which I lamentably enjoy eating occasionally)), but mountain is only two syllables with no negative, truthful connotations to distract people from. In fact, the word “moutain” was about the LEAST creepy thing printed on the bottle (”dew,” is, afterall, a near-homophone for a childish euphemism for dog excrement). It’s like the Pepsikooks thought “gosh, mountain dew just isn’t inorganic and mysterious enough! How can we make it seem LESS natural? Apart from turning it red and putting shrek stand-ins on the label, I mean.” It’s not as if there isn’t inadequate space to spell out “mountain” in. Nor is the background better off for absence of letters. Get me more green starfoxy void, STAT! Maybe there’s something inherently extreme about abbreviations. Awkward, vowel-less abbreviations of single words.

Yo, hk m up wid sm o dat blu dew. I wld ttly swm in that, fo shew. Thn we tlk bznz. Excuse me. I don’t speak nintendo password.

My my me, where is the time going?

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I thought it was bad when I saw Halloween M&Ms for sale on August 7…

But Comedy Central set me straight by showing a Hanukkah movie less than two weeks later. Or the Hanukkah movie, I guess.
The MnMs might not seem so bad when I show them to you on September 7, but that doesn’t happen until Monday, and by then we will all have forgotten about this. One hopes.

Why is the general trying to sell me automobile insurance? Shouldn’t he be advising the president on military affairs?

Why is he hiking through antarctica in such crucial times of war? No wondering we can’t win this.

Ah ha, now he’s in an office, but all he’s doing is looking at his own website / slab of cardboard with an unconvincing mockup of a computer screen pasted to it. What a bum!

Now he’s in a totally different office! Once again, with his website up. He probably does that on all the computers at Best Buy, too. Either he’s a lunatic who wanders around and poses in other people’s offices or he’s a decadent scoundrel who buys all new stuff every week. He is competent enough to change his telephone number, so I must assume the latter case. He’s a FIVE star general, too. That rank isn’t even AVAILABLE most of the time. This guy’s been around and done it all. “It all” evidently comprising less crucial situations than I previously thought. Why, how did it come to this?

Hey, general, I’m pretty sure it’s a crime to transport penguins out of their natural habitat. Not that you can leave the country in your automobile, but I’m sure you can go somewhere; otherwise, why would you be trying to? Aside from that you’re crazed with greed and cold, I mean. Maybe he thinks if he appears with something cute I’ll purchase insurance from him. Eh, no dice, pallywag. I only buy insurance from ducks, cgi lizards and cartoon lady secret agents wearing latex bodysuits.

Here he is yet again, standing on a box, harassing some guy. How did the general even get into the military? He’s much too tiny to pass even the most rudimentary basic training screenings.
It’s not like it was back in the days of his apparent idol Commander McBragg, when everybody was an oompa loompa. Of cough, the previous item assumes the General got past the vision test; his apparent lack of eyes considerably reduces the likelihood of that, I suspect. And this makes it all the more alarming, valid credentials or not, to see the general piloting an automobile in so many shots. Get that blind maniac munchkin off the road! If it wasn’t for bozos like that nobody would need automobile insurance. And thus, he continues to be employed. Conspiracy!

When things get tricky, when The Law comes on to the general’s schemes, he hides out in

this Doom textured igloo from the penguin he abducted, I assume murdered and assumed the identity of. Although now that I think of it, based on the location of his summer villa, his stature and his lack of morals, it is equally feasible that the general was a penguin in disguise all along (possibly Tennessee Tuxedo, which would explain his flightless, flighty nature and access to the Commander), selling dubious insurance, running from town to town duping unsuspecting humans, merely trying to finance his perpetual travel expenses. Always on the move, always on the run. The tragedy of The General.

I can’t imagine why he’s scared of us.