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Questionable artwork and pedantic miscellany
December 30, 2009
Oh, no, what’ll we do? Don’t look now, but I lost my shoe.

In my family, there is a traditional act done at the end of a year to ensure good fortune in the next. Only my father insists it be done and he doesn’t know it exactly as historical record (the internet) says it’s actually supposed to be done, but I go along with it anyway. A person must be locked outside the house before the year ends and request to be let in once the arbitrarily designated point in time passes. The person outside must come inside with a bread-based product, a bottle containing an alcoholic substance, and “money in your pocket.” It is imperative that the money be contained within pockets. As anyone in the world can tell, the last few years I have done this, with disastrous results. In fact, I think we might all be better off if I did not do it at all. Yet here I go once more. Enjoy your continued recession and the next installment of livestock inspired illness media hypage.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

In the coming twelve month period I resolve to not draw those poorly planned interior and exterior areas of nipfolm hospitarium dome in my stupid comic any more.
Hey, what do you know, the last time I expect to need them, on Page 35 of this!
But if they are called for in the future, ideally I will be at the point in my artistic growth-regression cycle where I don’t put the accuracy of backgrounds that don’t need to be accurate before every possible other thing, because even when I do, the light sources make no sense and sixish story buildings appear to be one half in size from the outside.

Is it a sign of a psychological disorder on my part that elpse (the green character) seems to switch between having a vaguely masculine and feminine physique at random? Before you answer, I should inform you that yes. However, it is not deliberate; It may well depend on what pose I want to use and how much space there is in the frame. It merely has happened and I have not seen any reason to correct whichever one is inaccurate, now that I’ve noticed; in fact it I think it’s funny. This is good, because I used to fear elpse was being perceived as boring and unlikable, and such weirdness distracts from that. This is of additional benefit to everyone, as according to my script there are pages and pages of just walking and saying stuff coming up.

Oh yes, and happy noigear!


That was so weak, pointless and stupid, 2010 has no CHOICE but to seem like an improvement.



December 21, 2009
Danger on the track… something told me there were strangers on my back


I am not sure what is going on here. It may be a while before I do.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

I have so many messages to write to people, but all I want to do is make love to you. I mean… something else, right? At any rate, whatever it is isn’t productive.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

People who get gifts love to type out detailed descriptions of their gifts. The very idea strikes me as being very tiring. Almost as tiring as it is to read such lists. At least the junk I put here I don’t realize is tiring until I’ve already invested too much into it to not finish it.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000


Why should I be impressed by any “future” that still includes manually adjusted neck ties? Where are the giant robot helmets and gauntlets? Where are the silver wetsuits as normal clothing? How about magnetic boots that magically hold your body completely steady and horizontal when you walk up a wall? The only astounding thing on display here is an electric crane that holds what appears to be a chalkboard eraser. Next they should invent a computer that automatically replaces the paper in my typewriter. Or just holds the paper up so that I can grab it and replace it myself. What? You’re kidding!

Well. And as for Conan

he has to be Archie AND Ozark Ike, so I can excuse one dopey endorsement deal.

ONE I said. Yeep. You were off television, for what, three months? Conan, sometimes you just need to take a break.


Like, whatever, man. Why’s Conan talking to THIS rube ovah heeyah?



Wuh whoa! I just realized I’M on tv, too! Woooooo yeah! I got my fake-retro prefaded Ghostbusters shirt and my RED SWEATPANTS on camera! Muh- muh- muh- METAL! Ninja surviiiiiiiiiive!

Eh. I suppose that’s better than KILLING me…


You know what, I hate ninjas.

Ninjas have gone soft. I remember when being a ninja MEANT somehing. A long time ago, in the glory days of ninja. Specifically, the 1980s. When to stop the shadowy killing machine of the east took nothing less than a…

AHHHH, BIRDS! BIRDS! GET THEM AWAY FROM ME! ABBBBBAAAAAAA!!!




December 16, 2009
I was at the comedy club… that was when I’d HAD IT with heartburn

Howdy. I type “howdy” a great deal more frequently than I say it.

=========================================

Why does every store I go into have “boogie-woogie santa claus” on its custom mix loop? That’s easily the fifth most embarrassing Christmas song.

=========================================


Obama asks moms to clap their elbows together. Previously I identified this motion as “weird turning situps,” ever the brilliant wordsmith, forgetting –and I can’t think why I’d want to forget such brilliant marketing– that at no point in the sequence does the woman sit up. She just does the horizontal chicken dance ad infinitumptious. Which is ironic, since chickens don’t have teeth. We will see that teeth are vitally important in this matter soon enough.

Note that this crummy, deteriorated, cropped gif file is a full 20 kilobyes bigger than the full flash animation, which uses jpeg-compressed frames. These fine advertisers UPGRADED to bring us superior quality of needless, inexplicable animation loops.


Get with the program, Home owners! First you gave that baby epilepsy and now you’ve ruined this citizen’s teeth. You’d better hop to it before a problem arises that has not yet been solved through use of a secret technique discovered by a mom in a different banner ad about awful teeth, or before Obama asks that mom to return to school.

Home owners versus teeth round 2. By now they’ve weirded out all their roommates, family members and hostages with their weird teeth (even if it IS good dental work for Alabama) and have taken to living in their cars. But does this guy REALLY know what he’s talking about?




Will Wright, inventor of Simcity, Simant, The Sims and Chlamydia, at his regular job often has no helpful advice for me. I don’t think that’s actually him but I always imagined he looked like that and would put himself in his own game for some reason. Either way, he’s on the town council and making me uncomfortable. Now I really AM in Creep City. “No no no, you do what you want, and I’ll complain if it isn’t what I would have done.” I feel like we’re married OOH GOTCH YA, marriage!


He used to have a beard, but he shaved it off

and gave it to this fellow, who was so happy he proceeded to launch several homemade fireworks he built in his shoes.

But hark! I hear the sound of another picture approaching.

Howdy is never a good sign.


“Dr.” Bennifer Ankle Wright, economist, lawyer, and actor, chief contributing editor of 20eh’s worldwide financial clowndown. The whole family was in on it. See the full story in my upcoming book, Oh oh ah uh oh, the Wright Stuff, coming swoon from Gorbo publications. Thank you and goodwelcome.



December 11, 2009
They will possess you unless you change that number on your dial

I need to get my priorities in order for a number of reasons. Case in point: ordering my priorities is not a priority.

====================================================

It’s too cold in here to use my computer today. I… I’m going to try to read a book…

====================================================

Here’s a long boring one (page entry, not a book. I wrote that up there later. I don’t even know I am going to write that yet), just like the good old days, if we insist on classifying the old days as good.

It had BETTER be free if there’s a 1 in 5 chance you won’t know. I’m guessing the oblivious Tyrannosaurus is still on the payroll somehow. And Tom Ridge as well. It is not worth noting that green was bad before but now is good, yet I did so anyhow. It IS worth noting that these things aren’t really free, apart from a seven day trial (which is about the same as American Online declaring itself a free service because it mailed out those little discs), and that every page of the site includes a small print disclaimer stating, in essence, that nothing it will tell you for that nonfreeness has any value and that it additionally will not be held responsible for its deceit and uselessness.


Don’t bother reading that. That’s not why it’s there. In summary, it’s not about helping you with your credit, it’s a resource for teachers and people who write about credit and need stuff to refer to. The responsibility-shirking slackers of the internet need not bother. Which makes me all the more curious as to why this was advertising on Galbadia Hotel, the video game/anime mp3 archive.

But what about the score? The only thing it said was free was the credit score! That is true. You can sign up, attempt to get your score, and forget about it. Which also works well, because you’ll be billed automatically as a “member” once the trial ends. Even if you remember to cancel, you’ll still be charged a dollar and the priceless hassle of calling a corporate toll-free number as a screw you processing fee. Although the sources the page the page I link to didn’t bother linking to suggests you can’t even SEE your score unless you give up the membership fee. They have to pay for their ads, after all. And Ben Stein has to eat. One assumes.

Yes, Ben Stein again! As I understand it, he was fired from his job at the New York Dispatch for this sort of thing, though you wouldn’t guess it by the pudgy smirk he has in all of these. He doesn’t even look human anymore. Gosh, he reminds me of someone…

What a greedy, selfish beanst. It can’t stand the idea that I’m complaining about someone else.

Ben Stein is almost a muppet. A wrinkly, Yoda style muppet. Except instead of teaching you about the force he tries to sell you a free midi-chlorian report, when everybody knows the only FREE midi-chlorian report is issued annually by the galactic gargonian skrimpfly flambarrrrrrRRRRRRRRRGH “wookieepedia” is awful!

He’s not even necessarily promoting the thing. He’s just smugging it up off to the side. I don’t know WHY he has to do this after appearing in promotions for both Direc TV AND Comcast, competing companies. Clearly, he wins either way. Next he’s going to show up in an ad promoting not clicking ads.


Look at that! He has a CLIP BOARD! In these days of high-tech doohickery, you can’t go wrong with a clipboard. That means he has important information! It’s not for you, though. I checked, the free trial does not grant you clip board access. Also, I hear that printing Ben Stein in bold across your pelvic zone is an integral component to many “abstinence only” education programs. At least, it couldn’t be less effective than whatever it is those actually consist of and get millions of dollars in government funding to continue failing at.

In fairness, I should say that Stein believes he was fired for criticizing the president, which seems unlikely to me, but I wouldn’t be terribly surprised because the exact same thing happened when the last guy was president and deliberately disappointing people. That doesn’t excuse such a termination, and I wish people with positions of influence would grow up and deal with their problems rather than lying and sniveling, but I already said I doubt that’s actually what happened. But regardless of whether Stein was fired over the stated “conflict of interest,” or whether even for that he should have been, what’s important is that he did/does IS scummy, which is all I meant to come here to whine about. This guy is NOT an economist but he wears the label of one even when doing jobs he would never have gotten were he an actual economist rather than some guy people recognize from movies, or failing that, other ads. He is not utilizing expert financial expertise here any more than Gary Coleman was, but he pretends that he is. Regardless of whether anybody falls for the act, it’s dishonest and misleading. He’s not shilling for Pepsi, which will merely destroy your teeth and give you diabetes, but if he was he at least wouldn’t do so with the words “sommelier and dietician” floating beside him.

Anyway, I still see the ads, Ben Stein is still a millionaire and he still doesn’t believe he is anything but the subject of a conspiracy in this.

In his official rebuttal (which you shouldn’t look at unless you feel a void in your life where The Spectator getting in your business and ordering you to subscribe to it may fit), among other things, Mr. Stein claims to have criticized Goldman Sachs back when that could have made a difference and also laments the amount of “sick people” online who get inordinately upset over his antics. Well, I never said he was an idiot. Not recently, I don’t think. However, he also insists early on that there is “avid scientific disagreement” regarding the origin of life in a way that implies Intelligent Design is one of the theories argued by actual scientists, which it isn’t, and then he spends the rest of the page complaining about “neo-Darwinists.” I don’t know what it means when you put “neo” in front of a group name beyond making whoever you’re referring to seem instantly and indefensibly crazy, so I can’t take it too seriously.

He also claims those who protest the freescore ads have confused it with “other companies that did not have FreeScore’s unblemished record with consumer protection agencies. (FreeScore has a perfect record.)” It’s one of the GOOD credit report scams! I didn’t know any of them had blemishes, actually. I thought they just tricked people legally and got away with it. Also, Freescore is a relatively young site and surely has plenty of blem-like items yet to isshue. One must additionally keep in mind that Benjamin wrote this while still officially involved with the Freescore company, so he had an obligation to defend it and follow its capitalization guidelines lest he be accused of integrity.

At any rate, freeScore makes no effort to distinguish itself from others which also claim to be free but really aren’t. Further, that header image on that page is inexcusably dorky. Is it a crime to be a dork? Perhaps it ought to be.



I am not a “Ben Stein hater left over from the Expelled days.” I was annoyed by him prior to then and found out about it while I was having a problem with his comcast ad that he didn’t seem to think anybody had a problem with. Yes, so, isn’t this all fascinating! Our research/archeology department continues to probe the situation.



December 5, 2009
In the night, dream delight



I guarantee you this fat, blurry, needlessly animated-giffy baby is not dancing to nor in any way relevant to the news of your ad. In fact, now that I have saved it as a static png, the baby isn’t dancing at all.



Dancing is also the ultimate way to sell a service totally unrelated to dancing through a banner ad.

I’m only impressed when real people dance in unison, and even then it has to be a better dance than that. That is what I thought at first. But with persistence I was won over.


Next it was dorky rave kids wearing small shirts and big pants in an attempt to make their similarly big roller skate-boots seem normal. THAT really started to convince me. The best part about this dance was that it didn’t loop around at the end, but rather replayed itself in reverse. When I saw that I was SOLD.


The upper torsos of drunken businessmen miming climbing ladders always puts me in the mood to graduate online in 13 months.


These Santa Clauses, I am sad to say, make less sense. Not because they fail to represent a dancer-demographic I identify with, and not because they’re, you know, dancing for absolutely no reason, but because they aren’t animated! Even before I saved them as PNG they weren’t! The Santas, while not too busy to go back to Santa school, obviously, could not spare time to compile additional frames of needless movement. They just stood still in that position, bound by the erroneously layered gray shadows so cruelly shackled to their ankles. Although the leftmost Claus is NOT chained, he IS missing a hand, which may yet complicate matters. The fanciful font took offense at the effeminate hand wave the santas dismissed it with and sought to make an example of one of the bold upstarts.


My old friends! My old bad cgi, shiny clothes-bonded-to-skin dancing badly in defiance of relevance friends! How wonderful to see you again! This squatting trio has changed my mind! I no longer think I am too busy to go back to school! I merely think I have no reason to live, and thus should not bother!




Uh oh, now we’re really changing it up. Ipod punks dancing in a lava lamp square. But dancing was not good business! A short time ago it only took 13 months to get a degree, and now it takes 24. That’s almost two years! At this rate I’ll never get my unaccredited diploma-mill certification in time to pretend to be a doctor at my ten year high school reunion so nobody knows I’m a loser who clicks banner ads that promise shortcuts they can’t possibly deliver all day!


Look at this! I’m only 90% a winner now! I cannot justify the effort and dedication it would take to follow this link and attempt to collect my fictional prize money if I’m not absolutely assured that I have won prior to realizing I had not entered any competition that the ad banner would know about. All the same, it’s nice to see the animated gifists of america have finally upgraded to Windows XP now that Windows 7 has been released.



The problems don’t end there. During our splendid recession some of the irrelevant dancers were laid off and replaced with creepy, self-scratching cowboy sillhouettes. Wasn’t the entire point of the neighborhood watch program specifically to keep these guys out of town? Now they’re trying to shut me up about my auto insurance rates. “Think You Pay Too Much? I reckon You oughtta Think again, pardner. Yer a long way from Alabama. Mind if I use your shower?”




This was all your fault, Moms! Obama Asked you to Return to School and you did weird turning sit-ups instead. Your course of action is not scratching the proverbial cowboy silhouette.

I think there was a nicer way you could have said that.



Nobody I know has a website anymore

Mr. Sr. Mxy
Nowhere
Titash
pc72
Pickford
Gilhodes (bah you need a facebook account to see)
video game music database
pacific novelty
Green Lantern Head Trauma

them`s fightin` woids: March 22, 2017
Charmlatan sez:
I bet that insidious Lizard Man only came to the wedding to show off his new mammaries!
March 16, 2017
Indighost sez:
Looks lovely. I’d like to go there.
March 11, 2017
Indighost sez:
Thanks for your thoughts. I think it was your old post about Don Rosa, a person whom I did not...
March 11, 2017
Frimpinheap sez:
I find real ducks amusing, but cartoon ducks tiresome, since so many people thoughtlessly...
March 10, 2017
Indighost sez:
Oh by the way, this is me.
March 10, 2017
Anonymous sez:
Thanks again Frimp! Randomly, could you make a post about the announcement of the new DuckTales...
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