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Questionable artwork and pedantic miscellany
January 30, 2011
I eat to the beet I sleep to the beet

I am departing to purchase a new chair. Ideally, improved comfort will allow me to more efficiently craft excuses for this page here.

==================================================

Eh I suppose officially THIS is what I posted last week by now.

===================================================

I probably owe you a tremendous explanation for the thing I posted last week. So there’s nothing new.

====================================================


I’m tired of strawberries sleeping on the job. I use my most potent magic…!

You may thank me whenever it suits you.


My guess is that Great Value brand does not expect to be held to this guarantee, for no legal definition of “Berrylicious” exists. If I call the telephone number and complain that the cereal was not berrylicious enough my claim cannot be challenged and I may be entitled to a large cash award. They think if they use a big enough asterisk I’ll be intimidated and assume they have footnote protection, which obviously means that they do not! Fiddlesticks, this comes from Wal*Mart, which even has an asterisk in its name! My victory is assured!


Even better, I bought these while they were on sale.

Mweeheehwaharhoheefhophewherghork

Alas, my material wealth has not brought happiness.


My life has meaning again!



January 27, 2011
Toast for the Scumbags

I think I’ve been putting too much effort lately into pictures only a few people would like. To rectify that I’ve put too much effort into a picture no one would like.

I’ve never been that happy to see burnt bread in my entire life.



January 23, 2011
It won’t burn gas, it runs on laughs

A person from the internet recently alerted me to the existence of Freddy Milton, whose Danish comics about a trio of dragons called Gnuff appeared translated in the allegedly long-running “Critters” comic compilation book in the 1980s, a publication which I heretofore never cared to care about. I meant to talk about this on another site better geared toward the discussion of critty sorts but then I kept adding words so it could really only go here, where I don’t care if I get no comments, so I hope you’ll excuse me if this seems more sincere and less abusive than usual.

Have you heard of him? Maybe you have but I hadn’t until recently and he is what this is about. I’ve spent irresponsible quantities of the last six days scouring this material and it’s the sort of thing where now that I’ve almost run out I have to impose it on somebody else. Thankfully, there are no ill-advised video grames for me to play through this time.

There are a bunch of links here to pictures because in an odd twist of irony I actually like this fellow’s work and so don’t dare display it on my page as long as I’m linking to his. I was well educated in my yufe about the perils of Freddy coming for you.
Ehhh well he’s probably not watching, but one can never know what vigilant force is.

He seems to have done a lot of Carl Barks sort things. Or at least mentions Carl Barks a lot, and is something of a Danish authority on the subject. Carl Barks being a cartoonist who popularized increasingly outlandish adventure type comics featuring Donald, Scrooge, et al [Mc]Ducks and inspired many creative folks in his day. Barks was largely responsible for getting Disney comic artists and writers (or at least himself) proper credit where once all had been anonymous, for his ways were too distinctive for anyone else’s to pass as his. Milton doesn’t try to do that but clearly holds dear many of the destined duck depicter’s key principles. Right, so, I never heard of Carl Barks until maybe 2004 or so and he’d been dead since 2000. Herge got dead two weeks before I got birthed and Franquin met his demise before Barks did. Freddy Milton is still alive and from what I can tell maintaining his own website. I greatly approve of this development. This is the sort of person I need to scoff at me.

Alas, as far as I can figure, most of Milton’s output is only available in north-European languages which I cannot read (as opposed to the other European languages I can’t read), but there are a number of complete-seeming comics in English on the website, appropriately enough located in the section “English Stuff.” In fact, the English ones are the only complete long comics there, from what I can tell! Still, you get to ask questions like RIG ELLER AERLIG? I don’t know the answer but it has something to do with fat birds in trenchcoats smoking cigarettes. (It is also worth observing that a buck-toothed proto-gnuff is a recurring element in this series.) Rats really seem to hate the flamboyant flautist. Despite the predominance of human characters, that series looks to be the most saturated with avant-garde weirdness. That is, before the time comes to learn about the activities of disturbing anthropomorphized sausages. Although at least sausage is made from animal matter and can take on instinctual tendencies to flee from peril. They never had a chance!

I’m too amused by the fact that one of the gnuff dragons has a striking, if better-designed resemblance to the lope creature I draw a lot (and I think this is why the topic was mentioned to me) –including wonderfully punchable facial expressions; look at the floating head in that fourth frame. I don’t think I’ve ever been that happy about anything in my entire life– for me to approach that series rationally. I like the Woodrow Woodpecker comics, which the gnufflings aren’t in, so that thankfully suggests maybe there’s merit beyond my fondness for pitiful lizards (we can discuss CROCKY DYLE another time). I haven’t seen any fan-art of them on any of the, admittedly, Amero-centric websites I tend to find embarrassing fan-art on, so I assumed that they are still fairly obscure to English speakers. Or maybe just nobody is a fan of them. I might have sought to rectify this if that were the sort of thing I did.

Though it might seem as if the glorious civic chaos concludes with the woodpecker stories, I found a very incomplete “Critters” torrent which included an excerpt from a gnuff story about some enormous trees once again toppling the fragile local government, in under ten pages! But that isn’t on the website, unfortunately, so I don’t know how it ends. I assume the trees get mistaken for giant broccoli and a giant George Bush Sr. with a dog nose shuns them out of existence.

I’m not sure what the gnuffs’ relationships are to each other. The translated text identifies them as “siblings” but I wonder if that’s just because the Americans thought it would be weird to show a married couple that slept in separate beds. But then in the Orva story, about an unstoppable graffiti artist who gets the national guard deployed, these bird people are clearly in the same bed and nude so I should just trust the translation, even if it did change the peculiar name “Gnip” into the unimaginitive “Gnicky.”

I’m too pleased to observe the constant crossing-over of characters between the various series even when obvious copyright matters seem like they shouldn’t allow it. The W. Woodpecker antagonist Buzz Buzzard becomes a [some other bird] when he’s a Gnuff antagonist but he wears the same old-timey aviator costume and flies the same airplane. A glance through the danish cover gallery reveals that this replacement bird appears again, suggesting that Milton never forgets a useful character. I love that sort of thing.


It’s like when Dick Dastardly became the Dread Baron but still had the same airplane and sounded like Paul Winchell when Hanna Barbera made Yogi Bear and the Spruce Goose which if you’re lucky I’ll never mention again. You can further help this along by not attempting to chastise me for leaving out that he appeared in Laff-a-Lympics first. Give me a break. You’re like a little kid with all this cartoon geekery. We’re talking about Comic Books starring talking animals here.
Even the gnuffs themselves are primarily obvious –acknowledged at that– stand ins for more or less generic ducks and woodpeckers, because the story is more important than who’s in it (compare this old drawing with the updated one on Mr. Milton’s site). For all I know the sausages were replacements for the California Raisins. Which doesn’t bode well for my own prospects, which favor main characters that have massive personality disorders who don’t accomplish much and are hard to draw, especially when the guy doing it properly claims to not make a squeam of a lot of money now that print in general is less profitable, (due to the downfall of reprint venues like “Critters,” for one thing) but I won’t give up soon [enough].


And then uh some of the things are really well drawn. The guy makes lots of corny cartoons but he also draws difficult things like automobiles, banisters and non-psychedelic clouds, and boring things like circuses and an astounding quantity of supermarket scenes, all with perfect perspective and in a manner I don’t find repulsive or boring. I admire people who can work in so many different styles. I can’t comprehend it. It’s humbling. I want to cry. I can’t even draw a potato. I’m used to being inadequated by artists… increasingly kids a fraction of my age who won’t acknowledge me, but rarely professional comic people, because the technically proficient ones aren’t funny or I rationalize everything with “but their ideas are unoriginal tripe.” This is not always the case, obviously, and when that happens I can either hide from it or deal with it, and despite the part of this paragraph that I removed after I posted it I’m not hiding today. I can’t. I made those three pictures and I need some context here to justify their existence. I intend to write Mr. Milton a very embarrassing e-mail at some point. Oh right and practice drawing things I don’t understand more, naturally. Of course a week is the general length of my mega fascinations, and coincidentally my now common length of time between updates. Who will be next?

Perhaps I will make it two weeks and claim my prize!

===============================

Alkaseltzer is far and away the best antacid named after a notorious maximum security prison. If I had TIME to give you an update don’t you think it would better than that?

===============================

I’m worried that enough people have asked google if worrying burns calories that it’s one of the suggested search strings for questions about worrying.



January 19, 2011
Skip, skip, skip to my Lou

page 42 (scroll down!) of this. It isn’t making any more sense or coming out any faster, but by Gumby it is getting weirder looking. I think my brain is melting. In another year or so the comic will probably resemble a kindergarten finger-painting. This is called artistic maturity. Did you know Pablope Picasso actually made stuff that looked like stuff before he got famous? Yes yes, I am now putting all hope of success on my becoming harder to understand.



January 12, 2011
You have Yuan Shao’s head. All of Yuan Shao and Yuan Shu’s egomaniacal plans have been undone.

Back in the lusty month of May, I received a most curious bit of information following a routine update on the state of the jelly bean crop following its widespread ravagement by gummy worms from my field operative, code name Scarlet Fever Rodriguez And Other Stories. That is a facebook profile, but I believe the news about booby-trapped ovens and sneezes as jet propulsion are matters that the public would be well served to have greater awareness of. However!:

In other news, as the attached documents show, it appears that the skeletons are now attempting both to indoctrinate the yoof

as well as to gain popular support by declaring themselves as a force for fiscal responsibility in this era of high national debt and uncertain finances. This is a distressing development indeed.

I quickly requested permission to retransmit the information…

You are indeed most welcome to draft a report on the skeleton affair; it is important that people be made aware of these propaganda campaigns so that they may better defend themselves against them. If we let these ones pass in silence, next thing you know they’ll be declaring themselves to be skele-FUN, and that’s just unacceptable on multiple levels.

But I was weak. A coward. I feared the skeletons and allowed myself to be silent for too long. Now I realize I must speak out, before more damage is done. The first skeleton, first of all, is way too proud of itself for being first. I know everybody on slashdot admires and congratulates you for it but your spooky pioneership only serves to incriminate you elsewhere, monstrous marrowfiend! You are no longer my first skeleton. As of today, I have no first skeleton. And I suppose that second skeleton thinks I should be impressed that it hired the smallest and cheapest skeletons for its opposition force. While I do fear the mischief tiny skeletons can bring forth (such as, for example, hindering our tiny Belmonts), a greater fear has taken me, and it has today driven me to action. A thing I cannot keep hidden:

DUCKS EVOLVED FROM SKELETONS

I remember seeing this and thinking that the display needed more skeletons. I am appalled at how foolish and naive I was. Skeletons are a thing we most certainly need less of! I mocked the thrifty skeleton for hiring such cheap tiny skeletons but now their purpose is only all too clear! It’s so sad to see a proud and noble race like pirates have their powers corrupted for nefarious purposes.


So pure and tragic is their corruption that they have even seen fit to ally themselves with ducks. We sent forth a champion to steal their treasure, but not in time to halt development on their secret weapon:

SKELETON PIRATE DUCKS.

Alright, this is too stupid to finish. For one thing, everybody knows real pirates keep macaws, not cockatiels. That’s just ignorant.



January 6, 2011
My stance on homosexuality has been commended by a confirmed lesbian

I started to write something about skeletons, but then I was attacked by mummies.

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I’m half a day short of being out of that house and in my apartment for a full week and every time I hear a sound of certain pitch I still momentarily worry it’s the cat and he’s found me.

================================


Learn how to draw cartoons from somebody who can’t!




This looks like somebody printed out sprites from Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!! and traced over them. Well it’s not manga reasonableness, I suppose. They had to call it something once How to Draw Webcomics circa 1998 stopped selling. 40 Basic Lessons. Lesson 1: Don’t start at Barnes and Noble. Lesson 2: Don’t buy a book by a Canadian. In recognition of my own upcoming book about not getting awkward, probably a bit sensitive allegedly professional artists to sue your website I reveal my own first lesson which is to not type their names into google and then not to place links to additional art of theirs you find online. He probably has enough problems if his site is half on Angelfire and employing eXTReMe trackers.


Although to be fair the official Japanese Gunstar Gyros Game Boy Advance sequel has artwork like this so maybe the times are a-just changing or however it goes. (The only thing that doesn’t change is me; my cousins once told me I would appreciate Bob Dylan and not care how awful his singing was by the time I was in their age category). Other countries, including Japan, love junk that used to be popular in America, and it just so happens that the substandard of imitation of Japanese stuff is one of them. Another thing that’s changed:


I saw that book in a store “last week”

and got a bit annoyed at it, but I can’t say I’m surprised that it exists or that people might have bought it.

I can understand the “fursona” thing… you have a personal character that you associate with yourself. Maybe I think it’s boring and occasionally just a bit egotistical, but it’s personal. If you’re just going to draw yourself all the time anyway it might as well be a fanciful version. I have a book by Arrr Crumb full of drawings of himself in varying states of dress next to word balloons talking about himself and after a while I just got sick of looking at him.
“Furry” as a gimmick copied out of a book is stupid. I can understand, again, with reservations, why you’d want some cheap and hacky shortcut to drawing pirates or giant robots, but “furry,” by this book’s implied definition, just means a regular, average, unremarkable person with an animal head and also a tail for some evolution-ignorant non-reason. The only reasonable reasons are “it’s cute” or “it’s silly” or “it’s stupid,” and not meant to be taken seriously, because it’s fantasy and made up. People are SERIOUS about dumb old furries. So look at real animals, and real people, and figure it out. Or cartoon people and cartoon animals. But for frog’s sake you shouldn’t need a whole book to tell you to make mix-em-ups.
You can see, or I imagine that you might, that this is directly beside books professing to instruct on how to draw dragons, fantasy creatures, generic super heroes, specific copyrighted Marvel characters and MANGA ANIMALS. It’s all rubbish.

Also present, Drawing Vampires, How to Draw MORE Pirates and Erotic Manga: Draw Like them Experts.


I’m personally still waiting for Erotic Mangia: How to Eat Like a Harlot.
Ehhh. If “furry” isn’t a trendy gimmick, market forces would welcome it becoming one. I say it already has, with junk like Avatar and Bolt (which are enough alike for this context despite not really being all that much alike) getting major pushes / watched. Draw Furries: the Junior Novelization is merely filling the gap between “I can draw cartoon animals” and… the erotic manga book, I guess.


People should realize that these books are the artistic equivalent of those Atkins, South Beach, Pork ‘n Styrofoam et ew diet books. They won’t, but they should. I don’t doubt that there is actual good advice and occasional bits to take inspiration from, but that stuff is easy to find for free if you care to look for it or ask sensible people without a financial stake about.

On the topic of “fursonas,” none of these dorks are mine because none of them do anything that I do and only one has fur, besides. I am very boring. However, I also like a lot less dumb things than they do.




Like them, for example.

I mean, don’t like them at all.
If I made a character to represent myself it would probably be a ferris wheel that got shut down after somebody fell off it. Or a potato. Or a scoop.



Nobody I know has a website anymore

Mr. Sr. Mxy
Nowhere
Titash
pc72
Pickford
Gilhodes (bah you need a facebook account to see)
video game music database
pacific novelty
Green Lantern Head Trauma

them`s fightin` woids: August 18, 2017
Charmlatan sez:
I only pay into Cyclope’s pledge for their exclusive Pr├ęgoo drawings!
August 18, 2017
Frimpinheap sez:
Crying in a bad way? Based on what? Because of my actions or my summarization of others’...
August 18, 2017
Anonymous sez:
this is the first time this website made me cry instead of laugh. once in a while there was a...
August 17, 2017
Frimpinheap sez:
I am merely not declaring it impossible, since I have very little taste for it and do not seek...
August 17, 2017
Indighost sez:
That sounds like you’re hinting at some rare fan works that you think is good! I’d...
August 17, 2017
Frimpinheap sez:
I would not unilaterally say all fan-created material is bad, but I do almost consistently...
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