January 15, 2008

unusable rubbish:

I’m not impressed that you can play an instrument if you choose bad music to play on it. I refuse to clap for some whiny guitar dork on a stool who just moans at me. I don’t even clap for music I like. It’s probably not normal to applaud a television set anyhow. Not that a whole lot of music I like comes through it, but if some did, I would not congratulate it. Times are tough.

Bare Nakedladies are like the Canadian Smash Mouth.

Acupuncture is too weak. We need stabyoupuncture.

They might be giants: are they or aren’t they? Why do we still not know?! They’ve been making annoying songs for I’m told over twenty years and we don’t know how tall they are yet.

The plight of the post-madonna is largely ignored in this country

Why “soccer moms?” Everyone needs a beating for saying that. I will not recommend “sock-her moms” because most of the fools who use that phrase are men and people usually don’t follow my advice.

Why hasn’t anyone ever tried to make a really big cupcake?

We don’t hear enough about self-deprecating failures. I don’t give a boot if Hidey Kloom used to be ugly or if Justin Timbermcdaniel doesn’t have to “try” to have a hit song. What about the people who still are ugly, what about the people who try every single day and never get acknowledged? Famous persons’ lack of effort and past minor issues don’t make me like them any better. I may find a way to like them less if they keep bragging about it.

That thing cats do to clean themselves is really gross.

I hate those oranges that are so soft that it’s impossible to deskin them without squeezing lots of wet stuff out of them, and then by the time I go to eat it, most of the juice has escaped captivity. What are those called… you know, the green and brown ones. I hate those.

Why should I buy now while supplies last? If it’s going to sell out anyway, why do they care whether I have one or don’t?

I know toilet paper like I know the back of my hand. But which hand side is the back?

The best place for men to pick up women is the moon.

Gold fish do not want peace; they believe they are the master race

When I see most white people, I want to hit them. When I see most black people, I’m afraid they’ll hit me. It’s a balanced system.

Critics love movies in which people get married or violate their wedding vows.

You need certification to teach as a teacher, but anyone is permitted to spread misinformation. Or so I hear.

The only time I’m ever likely to cite “it’s in my blood” is if I get sick from mercury poisoning.

Have you ever noticed how much often sounds like “dolphin?” Can you imagine if every time someone meant often it came out as “dolphin?” Crazy. Why yes, I dolphin go to the bakery. Here in Detroit, we dolphin blame black people for our problems. Myspace users dolphin engage in child molestation. Even when near-sleep I knew this was terribly retarded and not all that likely to produce usable material. This is, however, the closest I’ve yet come to figuring out why people started saying “off-ten” about ten years ago.



18 Responses
  1. 1
    12:20 am, January 16, 2008
    Wee Marshmallow Trees sez:

    I. If you’re still looking for a purpose for your much-neglected journal, scattered non-sequiturs of this sort would be a good thing to put there. I seem to recall you making a similar statement yourself, once.

    II. It was conclusively revealed about a year or two ago that They Might Be Giants are, without a doubt, might-be giants.

    III. Do you perhaps not pronounce the “l” in dolphin? Otherwise I can’t really see much of a similarity between the two words. Also, the oft-decried “oft-en” variant goes back much, much farther ten years. I should imagine it arose due to the word’s containing a “T”, deriving, as it does, from the no-longer-oft-used word “oft.”

  2. 2
    3:36 am, January 16, 2008
    Kilroy sez:

    non-sequitur? i barely knew her!

  3. 3
    2:26 pm, January 16, 2008
    Mia D sez:

    Apparently, someone DID try to make the world’s largest cupcake

  4. 4
    7:16 pm, January 16, 2008
    Elfibrax sez:

    Wee: I.’m not worried about that journal. I think it’s already had more use than it deserved.
    II. had hoped John Hodgeman was getting a lot of money for those ehhh ubiquitous Macintosh ads, but I didn’t think it was in the millions, much less deranging millions.
    III. never noticed people saying “off ten” until 1997 or therabouts. Therefore, to me it did not happen prior to then. Also, I don’t think I’ve spoken the world “dolphin” at all, at least not in that time. The subject doesn’t come up often, but I am usually able to avoid it when it does.

     
    Bea: I will remind you that you are under Otis.
     

    D: How long have you been keeping this from me?

  5. 5
    7:24 pm, January 16, 2008
    Kilroy sez:

    lies! i report directly to Mr. Luthor!

  6. 6
    7:29 pm, January 16, 2008
    Elfibrax sez:

    I can handle that. I was more worried that you’d be upset I called you Bea.

  7. 7
    2:11 am, January 17, 2008
    Kilroy sez:

    i dont care what you call me as long as you don’t call me “late for dinner you scum sucking nazi sympathizing hannah montana fan”

  8. 8
    2:41 pm, January 17, 2008
    Elfibrax sez:

    Whuh? You’re a Hannah Montana fan?!

  9. 9
    5:46 pm, January 17, 2008
    Kilroy sez:

    :(

  10. 10
    2:57 pm, January 18, 2008
    Elfibrax sez:

    I had you marked as a Miley Cyrus fan, myself.

  11. 11
    9:12 pm, January 19, 2008
    Kilroy sez:

    I had you at hello.

  12. 12
    5:07 am, January 21, 2008
    Elfibrax sez:

    Indeed, I was just thinking how odd it was that you named your dungeon Hello. It’s better than Bea, at least.

  13. 13
    8:33 pm, January 22, 2008
    Kilroy sez:

    or so the germans would have you to believe!

  14. 14
    12:00 am, July 5, 2010
    STELLA30Ochoa sez:

    I propose not to hold back until you earn big sum of cash to buy goods! You can just get the loans or small business loan and feel yourself comfortable

  15. 15
    1:17 am, July 5, 2010
    The Okefenokee Swamp sez:

    Your dream of prosperity for all does you credit, our mechanical friend, but I have it on good authority that our gracious host can’t carry any more Worthless Greater American Dollars. Ah, such cruel fortune…

  16. 16
    1:07 am, July 7, 2010
    Frubaklop sez:

    Wait!! Come back! I just traded all my dollars for rubles! I NEED L O A N ZZZZZ!

  17. 17
    9:19 pm, February 6, 2011
    right ceiling fans sez:

    This blog post is awarded a 2 thumbs up from me.

  18. 18
    10:26 pm, February 6, 2011
    Zinkugel sez:

    I appreciate it! I know you’re really more into ceilings (but not the wrong ones).

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