Ehhh.

I once read a book (you’re surprised, I know), “Possible Side Effects,” wrote by some person who worked in advertising, which he didn’t seem to regret at all. It was sort of an annoying book because none of the stories had endings and very few were funny. You might wonder what my problem was with it then, and that is simply that I resent my competition.

Augusten Burroughs is good at setting up stories that either don’t happen or that he doesn’t tell. Part of the problem, my problem, may be that when I read a book I expect continuity, plot and relevance, not biographical website entries which don’t exist for any especial reason. Because I can get those for free. Also, the chapters did not refer to each other’s events, even though themes and “characters” recurred. That would be fine if the tales were almost-told in chronological order (rather than chronoridiculous order) or at least datemarked, but they aren’t. It’s frustrating. If the book was as funny as the back cover insisted it was I wouldn’t mind the pointlessness of it all. Oh, how I minded!

On an occasion which occurred prior to me reading that book, I witnessed a play about something or other. I found it mildly amusing, but I ended up resenting it because the entire time I heard some loof nearly choking to death behind me, constantly, presumably attempting to laugh. And then afterwards I heard the producing folk going on and on about how it was the greatest script they ever sawed and how they knew they had to stage it immediately. This, naturally, makes me suspicious of anyone who reads what I write. No! Stop! Why are you here? This is bad! If you like it you’re stupid! Leave me here to die alone!

But anywaw, at one point the writer of the book was hired by the Junior Mint company to write an advertisement which would bring consumers across what the businessites had labeled “the mint threshold.” Supposedly people would eat Junior Mints during films, in theaters, but rarely at any other time in any other place. As someone who has done that, I must say that the idea is still almost right. Every so frequently I’ll crave Junior Mints unexpectedly yet specifically, but I will get tired of them easily and mysteriously. This also has little to do with their tendency to merge together inside the box before I’m ready to deal with them. Yes, it’s possible I’ll want them when I buy them, but by the time of the first opportunity I have to eat them I may no longer want to. When the urge returns, I will have surely stepped on the box or left it in such a place where though I could not have stepped on it, its contents will have melted from heat/spite. I cannot put the box in a refrigerator because someone else without my astounding powers of candy self-restraint will eat the things immediately and probably not like them too much. And I don’t even mean another resident. Crimbims off the street just walk into my home and steal candy out of my refrigerator. Mine is a tragic, stupid existence.

This happens just about every time I try and eat Junior Mints. They are so mushy and decrepit, you might as well call them senior mints. Ha ha, ugh, dishonor to ancestors.

I shouldn’t have to perform surgery to get at my candy!…………?

I thought this all would be a lot more interesting. You deserve an apology. Is it not such a shame then, that I’m not going to grant you one? This is probably better than talking about legs again.

Somebody say “legs?”


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Only Superman can save me now!

Eh, close enough. Thank youf, Superboy! Your quick thinking has saved the day! Yes, that will do. You go off and have a good time with your friends now and buy Mon-El a milkshake for me. I’ll clean up here. The legs cannot hurt anyone anymore.

OH SNAW! THE CRUEL WICKED LARVAE OF THE LEGS SEEK REVENGE ON BEHALF OF THEIR SLAIN QUEEN, WHILE SUPERBOY AND THE OTHER LEGION MEMEBERS HAVE A SWINGIN’ OLD TIME DOWN AT THE SOCK HOP! IS THIS THE END FOR OUR HERO, THAT BEING ME?

No! Apparently I’m some foolish yella animal! This will not do! My only chance is to wear the leggings into submission! If someone is reading this it will mean that I have failed.