I find it peculiar that the official Michael Jackson youtube page… that there is one, but also that it has “favorites,” but only fourteen, and one of them is Patton Oswalt talking about one of my own favorite topics, famous bowls. You know he called you “molesty,” right? (watch out, it’s noise and it’s thirty-five seconds) And yes, I recorded Oswargo’s entire set talking to dumb obe Conan. I used to do that. I actually still do that on rare occasions. Eeb, some people can get the actual video and audio fed directly to their computers, and in fact there are entire communities devoted to that, one of which I may have just linked to, and here’s stupid me in 2008 taking pictures of my screen and fixing a microphone under it. That’s like something someone’s grandmother would do. Which I say because I once read something someone wrote about some relative which my memory has interpreted as “grandmother” doing that and it was sort of depressing. I remember thinking “oh no, I do that too!” And now such a loverly anecdote it makes.

But anyway, does this mean Jackson is an Oswalt fan, or just that the person who runs the page is? I imagine when you get that job there are probably very strict guidelines as to what you can give the sacred bedazzler-glove endorsement to. Or maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way and Emjay just really likes the Famous Bowls. How much do we truly know about his eating habits, anyhow? I know he likes Taco Bell, which despite making absolutely no sense if you accept their food for what they say it is   is operated by the same company as Kentucky Fried Chicken. Maybe the dancing lizard money wasn’t distilling the gravy and Taco Jacko became a Yum! Brands shill. (British people pronounce “tahco” as “tacko” so that rhymes because I’m technically European by Rob Schneider standards. Now we just need to find out what “jacko” means.)

I assume that’s the official Michael Jackson page because it’s “friends” with the Sony BMG page. I should never have had to type such an incredibly stupid sentence.

Also, it has comments disabled. An impostor would leave them on just to see how many “is this the real michael?”s it could collect. Those pages are made for attention, and it’s cheaper than buying a giraffe and a ferris wheel.

I know he looks funny, but there’s really no reason to disparage his masculinity like that. Or maybe I just ended up at a fake page for someone else and welcomed an opportunity to show excerpts from it which I’d already saved before the topic came up. The fact that it’s someone I’ve never heard of would only make any desperation inspired more lovably tragic if I loved tragedy. In fact, I’ve witnessed so many muffin-eaters transform into ducks that I’ve become numb. Yet this continues.

And the greatest friends buy their friends cars. I’m not trying to leech validity off of an allegedly influential human, I just hate every single person I’ve ever met who isn’t famous and so there are only celebrities left to make nice with! And so it needn’t be said that if you aren’t actually her I want you to die, even before you made this page. Wow, harsh.

That sounds like one happenin’ shindig. It can’t possibly top Aaron’s party (come get it), though. Such a notion would be equivalent to announcing that figs may be plucked from thistles. I wager Miley doesn’t even have a really cheap four second bass and drum loop playing endlessly on a reactionary Victrola.