This space reserved for anything at all else. I do not exaggerate when I say I’m seeing that bearded ruffian in my dreams now.

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Is America ready for a white Eddie Murphy?

His head is in the logo. That is never good.

I can’t believe I wrote another one of these.
I can totally believe I wrote another one of these. In a symbolic and totally pointless gesture I am retiring the “yimp” image subdirectory I’ve used since bimp. I’d like to think I’m also retiring endless, partially valid, miserable gripe-fountains I’m so wary of that I force onto separate pages, but I’d also like to think a diet composed largely of fried chicken, chocolate and iced tea is conducive to a long, pleasant life.

And I like to think Myers takes himself overall less seriously than Murph, (which I say not to imply that the latter’s typical fare is any more inherently plausible) but he still likes to make great big horrible movies and no one stops him. And they look horrible. I remember seeing ads for that Cat in the Hat and thinking “it can’t possibly be as bad as they’re making it look, can it? That many people could never spend that much money and let that happen.” Obviously, the last few years have redefined how many of us (“us” being carbon based life forms and I in no way intend to imply that you are like me) regard a gang of unthinking scoundrels aimlessly tossing dollars around. That’s just the way of life, I now realize.

Sources close to the movie swear it is not horrible. But there’s definitely at least two minutes of sheer horror which have been distributed to the advertisers. Somebody certainly intends for me to think there’s some legacy continuation going on. Maybe I’m just tired of comedy (maybe you’ve noticed).

Raising one eyebrow and twirling the mustache only goes so far. Sure, this film is called ‘Holy Man’ in its native language and swears it has a slightly different plot, but I certainly didn’t MAKE imdb.com turn this up. The only work I did was locating this in my browser cache afterwards because imdib allowing me to save it directly would cost Touchtone pictures millions of dollars (which it clearly has). What’s important is that we’re not selling a movie, we’re selling some man in a movie. It’s just like the 1940s except expensiver and horribler. How am I supposed to save the world by changing my light bulbs when at any point there’s a half billion dollars worth of inconsequential kooky komedies in production?

Not surprisingly, Verne Troyer is present in Der Love Guru.
It’s good that M’yers feels an obligation to his friends to support their careers with his own when he can (which explains Justin Timberlake in a major role. That poor guy can never catch a break), but I am past the point where my immediate reaction, regardless of context, upon seeing a dwarf on screen is to laugh.* At least ones that I primarily know from stupid geico ads. The man’s biggest talent is his ability to live in a house with other pseudo-celebrities and occasionally not get drunk and empty his bladder on a wall. There are developmentally disabled toddlers that we place higher expectations on. Just because he looks like one doesn’t mean he is.
All right, that was low unnecessary.

*I confess that a while ago when I found one attached to my sliding screen door I suppressed a chuckle before calling an exterminator.

Hey, I know Verne can’t help his appearance. However…

This is also unnecessary.
Why couldn’t the Movie People cast an actual child who kind of resembles Michael in this apparent back-flashing role, however brief it is? Why bring out this Little Man witchcraft if not to increase exposure for the star’s logo-hogging head and/or to creep me up and out? It’s possible the joke is that this is obviously the same head, much like when some guy is shown to fall in love with what is unmistakably himself wearing a wig, but this here is done so weirdly that I think I’m supposed to think it’s real, and it doesn’t look real. I really regard this as little different from the supremely unsettling cash-call ads which are still allowed to be aired. Just because you have the technology to do this better does not mean that you ought to or that it looks good. To the contrary, you should not and it does not.


Oh yeah, work that asterisk bebehh.

These ads feature now a voice which says “make sure you can afford the monthly payments before you borrow.” If I could afford the monthly payments I wouldn’t be cash calling! If I can afford those monthly payments I might as well start my own sinister money-rental service.

I remember, the first I became aware of this method, in early 2001ish, the Jay Leno Tonight Show had superimposed George Wuh Bush’s head over that of some unknown actor standing in a metallic room with a hand on a big cartoon lever, ostensibly activating an electric chair and executing a prisoner, because executions are hilarious. Initially I thought and was mildly impressed that the show people had persuaded Mr. Bush to appear in this stupid comedy bit, I assumed back when he was a guest on the show during his presidential campaign.* Then a week later the clip was shown again and it looked a lot less real. The way the cranial-unit slowly turned slightly 1 degree left and then back again and seemed to be much bigger than it ought to be (so to fully obscure that of the original person). And then suddenly every day some public figure’s shifting, clockwise-tilting head was being inserted into news footage or scenes from The Human Tornado. Occasionally the head would be of Jay Leno or Kevin Eubanks, depending on the latest streaker’s skin pigmentation. It never stopped looking creepy. And… now legitimate Big Hollywood film-makers are doing it. They’re spending more money on it, and it’s still creepy. Creepy is big business!

*This was back when it seemed logical to think a governor might have time for that whereas a president would not, an outdated mindset the administration has dubbed “pre-Deal or No Deal thinking.”

Jessica Simpson as Cameo. The whole point, I thought, of cameo, was to surprise people. No one is surprised to see Jessica Simpson, and even if they would be they wouldn’t because it’s an official cast list item. This just makes me think of a two hour version of the Austin Powers & Britney Spears Pepsi ad, and of course Britney Spears HAS to win. Although now we can’t use her because she’s just ha ha joke. But she was always a joke! Just like George Bush was always a joke! He didn’t mysteriously get dumb and/or evil in 2005 when “approval ratings” were invented. And so much good that did, by the wayans. If he didn’t lick a cat when you told him “we don’t like you,” and he’s supposed to be dumb, why would expressing it in terms of fractions do the job?

Attention Sexual Predators! The Love Guru Starring Michael Myers is not a slutty fourteen-year-old with a camera!

I know that the “buzz” on this movie is that it’s not-a-so bad. Look at this, (don’t) an 8 star review! (Although Who’s Your Caddy got 10) Supposedly the “old” Mike Myers is back, but I don’t even know if I like that. Back in 1998ish that comedy channel would show edited Saturday Null reruns from the late 1980s and early 90s all day every day and I thought those were the most splendid magnificent things I had ever seen. Except the Terry Sweeny/Anthony Michael Hall season. Even then I knew those were no good. But 1989 was great. I used to like Al Franken because I thought he was It’s Pat. But I distinctly remember, roundabout Krimmis Eve 2002ish, the first and possibly last time I ever wrapped presents, for some reason one of these Snell reruns was on the televisual device which for some reason was also on and I was just struck with serious bafflement at what ever impressed me or anyone about Dana Carvey. And why was Victoria Jackson there at all? Did they just yank her from the audience to help fill out that The Partridge Family meets The Brady Bunch sketch? (I would appreciate no corrections regarding the chronological improbability of the previous suggestion) I know how this works: you’re supposed to hate the new cast and say the show was doomed from the day Dennis Miller or Joe Piscopo or Father Guido Sarducci left for good. I remember, after I pointlessly typed out “Saturday Night Live,” like not even in a sentence, with ascii characters in an AOL chatbox, someone responding “I miss Mark McKinney.” Did you really? I watched it the year he was on and I didn’t even know it. And this was after I had rented and screened Brain Candy. And yet I can look back and not like the old cast, either. The only thing I think I now would really laugh at from the Silver Age is those ladies who sing that “clang clang clang went the trolley” song. That was some good stuff. Why didn’t they make a movie?

Perhaps Mmmmmmmyers has been the new Eddie Murphy all along and the theoretically bearable movies of parts of the previous decade were just a piece of the package, the final piece not possible to be delivered until the two at last joined to make beautiful music together in the famous Shwreck serials. And maybe I’m overreacting to a dumb preview but the whole point of making previews and inescapable marketing campaigns is for people to judge the film in advance, to have it occupy people’s thoughts. I happen to not like having The Love Guru in my thoughts.

Another thing in my thoughts is the question of how two SNL Alums should end up playing goofy foreigners in major, nationally released/promoted feature films within two weeks of each other, followed up immediately by another inadvisable ego-trip-stumble by the actual Eddie Murphy.

I won’t even risk getting a proper digital scan of this. All that’s important is that Eddie Murphy is officially in himself and I need to find a different exit from the cinemaplexus. Something’s going wrong if you put your ad next to one for Kung Fu Panda and I find yours more unsettling.

Is the summer of 2008 finally going to be what turns me into a werewolf? Don’t you realize this is just the chaos and confusion Robin Williams needs to make his own return to giant posters with his head on them outside movie theaters?

Re: that Zohan, putting “the” in front of your name is about the worst thing to do to it. I’ve seen that applied too many times to the slob hippy spiritualist best friend character who despite being a aimless loser can do amazing things to solve your problems in really bad comedy movies. Promoting that character to lead status doesn’t make the the less horrible. The only real person I know who does that is Donald Trump, also horrible, but he doesn’t even do it himself. Other people who are idiots call him that “the donaldo.” We should not let idiots name our movies!

I actually like Adam Sandler. I think he reminds me of my brother Isotope, just a bit. I like that a good Adam Sandler impersonation is half of a good horse impersonation. I still remember how he shocked the world with his celebrated Chanukah Song by revealing that Jews control The Media. I just never want to see any movies that he has any part of, most especially when he does not appear in them but Robert Schnieder does. A different Robert, Smigel, who I don’t hate either, is allegedly one of the the zohan writers, but I don’t know that I trust him with a script longer than six minutes, especially if there aren’t any puppets. This just looks like Kung-Fu Balki to me. And I like Balki! But where’s Cousin Larry? Everybody underestimates the contribution of Cousin Larry. Balki cannot do the dance of joy alone, nor would he ever wish to! That’s why no one remembers Meego. I don’t even remember Meego! I had to look up what it was called! Look honey, saa-turn. Don’t you see? Larry was actually the crazy one! Bronson Pinchot had another show called The Trouble with Larry in which he was Larry, but nobody was fooled. Oh, the trouble!

Opay, that’s enough out of me. You have your orders.