December 5, 2009



I guarantee you this fat, blurry, needlessly animated-giffy baby is not dancing to nor in any way relevant to the news of your ad. In fact, now that I have saved it as a static png, the baby isn’t dancing at all.



Dancing is also the ultimate way to sell a service totally unrelated to dancing through a banner ad.

I’m only impressed when real people dance in unison, and even then it has to be a better dance than that. That is what I thought at first. But with persistence I was won over.


Next it was dorky rave kids wearing small shirts and big pants in an attempt to make their similarly big roller skate-boots seem normal. THAT really started to convince me. The best part about this dance was that it didn’t loop around at the end, but rather replayed itself in reverse. When I saw that I was SOLD.


The upper torsos of drunken businessmen miming climbing ladders always puts me in the mood to graduate online in 13 months.


These Santa Clauses, I am sad to say, make less sense. Not because they fail to represent a dancer-demographic I identify with, and not because they’re, you know, dancing for absolutely no reason, but because they aren’t animated! Even before I saved them as PNG they weren’t! The Santas, while not too busy to go back to Santa school, obviously, could not spare time to compile additional frames of needless movement. They just stood still in that position, bound by the erroneously layered gray shadows so cruelly shackled to their ankles. Although the leftmost Claus is NOT chained, he IS missing a hand, which may yet complicate matters. The fanciful font took offense at the effeminate hand wave the santas dismissed it with and sought to make an example of one of the bold upstarts.


My old friends! My old bad cgi, shiny clothes-bonded-to-skin dancing badly in defiance of relevance friends! How wonderful to see you again! This squatting trio has changed my mind! I no longer think I am too busy to go back to school! I merely think I have no reason to live, and thus should not bother!




Uh oh, now we’re really changing it up. Ipod punks dancing in a lava lamp square. But dancing was not good business! A short time ago it only took 13 months to get a degree, and now it takes 24. That’s almost two years! At this rate I’ll never get my unaccredited diploma-mill certification in time to pretend to be a doctor at my ten year high school reunion so nobody knows I’m a loser who clicks banner ads that promise shortcuts they can’t possibly deliver all day!


Look at this! I’m only 90% a winner now! I cannot justify the effort and dedication it would take to follow this link and attempt to collect my fictional prize money if I’m not absolutely assured that I have won prior to realizing I had not entered any competition that the ad banner would know about. All the same, it’s nice to see the animated gifists of america have finally upgraded to Windows XP now that Windows 7 has been released.



The problems don’t end there. During our splendid recession some of the irrelevant dancers were laid off and replaced with creepy, self-scratching cowboy sillhouettes. Wasn’t the entire point of the neighborhood watch program specifically to keep these guys out of town? Now they’re trying to shut me up about my auto insurance rates. “Think You Pay Too Much? I reckon You oughtta Think again, pardner. Yer a long way from Alabama. Mind if I use your shower?”




This was all your fault, Moms! Obama Asked you to Return to School and you did weird turning sit-ups instead. Your course of action is not scratching the proverbial cowboy silhouette.

I think there was a nicer way you could have said that.



3 Responses
  1. 1
    12:18 am, December 6, 2009

    Ifihadjo sez:

    Upon reading this I had a strange urge to dance. . . in the shower. . . wearing a graduation gown. There were no gummy cowboys though. That’s probably a good thing.

    I thought I was making a difference when I received my college degree but now
    . . . I’m not so sure.

  2. 2
    8:13 am, December 7, 2009

    The F-word sez:

    I remember seeing one of these for the first time and trying to figure out the connection between the bizarre dancing figures and the offers made. At the time it did not occur to me that there should simply be none.

    In this respect I rather think that internet advertising is regressing. For the most part, the internet at large ceased decorating pages with excessive numbers of irrelevant animated GIFs years ago. Yet apparently the designers of the above ads seem to think this a bold new direction to move in. I cannot fathom the though process at work here. Who, precisely, is the intended market here? To whom are these horrors expected to appeal?

    Worse, I think, though, is the “targeted’ ads, as I find myself rather insulted by the bizarre conceptions these machines seem to have made of me. Among other things, I’m apparently very interested in the “Snuggie for Dogs”.

  3. 3
    2:06 am, December 8, 2009

    Umpulurgit sez:

    If I only had a jo:
    Obviously, people with actual skills and/or educations aren’t of use to these masterful entertainers. They dance/scratch not for you.

    fwordo:
    If nothing else, this helped me to prove that the secret interest-loggers are still at work for me as well, because the very next day, after I put this here, whom should I find but the rollerskate dance ad again, for the first time since July. Much like a certain Maine-based Capt’n of note, it knew I had mentioned it and considered that an invitation to return to my life. I used to assume that since I shared a computer the targeted results would be totally random, but since I have become an exclusive user the ads haven’t become any more apparently specific or pertinent to my actual interests. And so either once again millions of dollars have been invested into market research for nothing, or there are no services in existence that are for sale that I want. Or perhaps I merely have no interests.
    There is now “snuggie for kids,” and the box picture shows a generic white male child lounging Caesar style on a sofa couch clutching a video game control unit. But it has been my experience that those function just as well beneath an actual blanket and there is no reason to build special sleeves for external access.
    Snuggie. A curious device. A thing that would not sell in a nation where “sedentary” was not considered a “lifestyle.” Or so I imagine.

feed comments.

Leave a comment. If you want to.




 
Nobody I know has a website anymore

Mr. Sr. Mxy
Nowhere
Titash
pc72
Pickford
Gilhodes (bah you need a facebook account to see)
video game music database
pacific novelty
Green Lantern Head Trauma

them`s fightin` woids: September 20, 2019
Frimpinheap sez:
It is certainly possible that the hat gave advice but it probably would not have extended...
September 19, 2019
Purplespace sez:
I had assumed lope was so serious in your original because his hat had been coaching him on...
September 15, 2019
pindohodo sez:
Even if this twitter exercise doesn’t turn out the way you originally wished or...
September 14, 2019
Charmlatan sez:
I enjoy the unexplained inconsistencies moments as well! Please continue those, for...
September 13, 2019
Frimpinheap sez:
but maybe i WON’T because in part three as you likely recall i did establish that...
September 13, 2019
Frimpinheap sez:
I might just add them back before the next print test, and also include the swirl...
Less recent posts
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • November 2015
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • August 2015
  • July 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014
  • July 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • April 2014
  • March 2014
  • February 2014
  • January 2014
  • December 2013
  • November 2013
  • October 2013
  • September 2013
  • August 2013
  • July 2013
  • June 2013
  • May 2013
  • April 2013
  • March 2013
  • February 2013
  • January 2013
  • December 2012
  • November 2012
  • October 2012
  • September 2012
  • August 2012
  • July 2012
  • June 2012
  • May 2012
  • April 2012
  • March 2012
  • February 2012
  • January 2012
  • December 2011
  • November 2011
  • October 2011
  • September 2011
  • August 2011
  • July 2011
  • June 2011
  • May 2011
  • April 2011
  • March 2011
  • February 2011
  • January 2011
  • December 2010
  • November 2010
  • October 2010
  • September 2010
  • August 2010
  • July 2010
  • June 2010
  • May 2010
  • April 2010
  • March 2010
  • February 2010
  • January 2010
  • December 2009
  • November 2009
  • October 2009
  • September 2009
  • August 2009
  • July 2009
  • June 2009
  • May 2009
  • April 2009
  • March 2009
  • February 2009
  • January 2009
  • December 2008
  • November 2008
  • October 2008
  • September 2008
  • August 2008
  • July 2008
  • June 2008
  • May 2008
  • April 2008
  • March 2008
  • February 2008
  • January 2008
  • December 2007
  • November 2007
  • October 2007
  • September 2007
  • August 2007
  • July 2007
  • June 2007
  • December 2004

  • May 2007
    April 2007
    March 2007
    February 2007
    January 2007
    December 2006
    November 2006
    October 2006
    September 2006
    August 2006
    July 2006
    June 2006
    May 2006
    April 2006
    March 2006
    February 2006
    January 2006
    December 2005
    November 2005
    October 2005
    September 2005
    August 2005
    July 2005
    June 2005
    Maypril 2005
    March 2005
    February 2005
    January 2005
    Novcember 2004
    October 2004
    September 2004
    August 2004
    July 2004
    Maune 2004
    April 2004
    Febrarch 2004
    January 2004
    December 2003
    Octvember 2003
    Augtember 2003
    Junly 2003
    Maypril 2003
    Febrarch 2003
    Octnovdecjan 20023
    Junulgustember 2002
    Maypril 2002
    This never happened


    old webpages
    Mall Meh...ness
    03-03-2007
    Labyrinthy
    02-22-2007
    Cartoons
    12-10-2006
    Ludicrous
    07-01-2006
    I do not approve.
    06-04-2006
    irrational complaining about my television set
    04-24-2006
    Dennises are dead to me
    04-17-2006
    web-tv
    04-08-2006
    This page is not about shoes.
    03-22-2006
    I hate shoes.
    03-11-2006
    something award related
    03-04-2006
    Bahrg.
    02-26-2006
    Those Green Eyes again
    01-28-2006
    More valid but unfunny Disney criticism
    01-15-2006
    MeSpace
    11-EH-2005
    Biggest Loser
    10-EH-2005
    Mall Blandness
    07-20-2005
    2004 advertisement complaint world championship
    01/05/05
    Belindi
    11/03/04
    Mall Egadness
    09/22/04
    Las Vegas
    07/30/04
    Spiderman 2
    07/20/04
    Jope and Dopes
    06/27/04
    These Green Eyes
    04/24/04
    Friday
    04/01/04
    Wedding
    03/07/04
    Game Over
    03/02/04
    McDenny's
    01/09/04
    Mall orneryness
    01/06/04
    Movies I'm not going to see
    11/14/03
    Back fashion school to
    09/14/03
    Movies Make Me Mad. Moreso.
    06/14/03
    JList
    06/03/03
    France
    03/31/03
    Official pizza of Nascar
    03/16/03
    Browsers
    02/23/03
    Michael Jackson
    2/16/03
    Free Speech
    02/05/03
    Thursday
    01/23/03
    Doofs
    01-whenever-03
    NO
    12/11/02
    Film Critics. I hate them.
    10/15/02
    Coconuts. I hate those as well.
    10/14/02
    Independence Day
    Some time in July 2001
    video games
    Runaway Rainbow
    12-29-2008
    Marsupilami part 1
    Marsupilami part 2
    02-12-2007
    Spirou part 1
    Spirou part 2
    05-26-2006
    Cosmo's Cosmic Adventure!
    04-18-2005
    Kirby part 1
    Kirby part 2
    Kirby part 3
    01/23/05
    Dynamite HeaddY
    07/04/04
    McDonald's Treasureland Adventure
    03/21/04
    Pac in Time part 1
    Pac in Time part 2
    02/12/04
    Air Fortress
    07/16/03
    Super Widget
    05/17/03
    Back to the Forest (the skunny page)
    01/21/03
    Tintin and the Prisoners of the Sun
    09/24/02
    Bip Bop II
    2001, a space waste
    Barney's Hide and Seek "Game"
    too late to make a difference
    Moraff's Dungeons of the Unforgiven
    before the one above it
    Super Games Galore! Doy!
    mysterious
    other things
    Awards this website hasn't won
    mysterious
    The first First Beet segment
    05/28/10
    Embarrassing pictures 1
    09/17/04
    Embarrassing pictures 2
    The same
    Umiliphus (my old derivative megamen sprite comic
    08/15/03
    Hopeless.swf
    11/24/04, (I can only justify this by calling it an experiment, so I shall)
    sandwich.swf
    02/16/05
    FACK
    ??/??/??
    Poetry Page
    The same