April 11, 2010

Otay, fine. I’m old enough now that I’m used to being told somebody I’ve never heard of is the world’s newest and greatest humanoid. Hillary Dorf, Lindsee Lohan, Paris Ilton, Zach F. Ron, Jennifer Anniston, Bennifer Lopez, Beneful Love Hewitt, Tim Conway… It’s happened before, and it will happen again. I don’t know who or what Justin Bieber is, but I do know that’s about the ugliest professional photograph I’ve seen on a magazine front since that one cover of that magazine that was in my bathroom for two years showing Matt Damon brushing his teeth. This guy doesn’t look like he’s smiling, he just looks like he’s breathing heavily. This guy looks like a 1950s ventriloquist puppet. He looks like a nutcracker. He looks like that Peter Pan guy whose website everybody made fun of 12 years ago. He looks like The Partridge Family. He looks like Final Fantasy X.

Well gee, excuse me for not being famous! I’m busy getting stuff DONE!

Nice try, but i already know how.

The only reason I can’t read what this says is because apparently if I go into a store after 3 pm there willl be other customers in it, and they always make me nervous when I am taking pictures or stealing stuff. However, I will recall what it says for you: “YEH, YEH, YEH, BENNIE AND THE CATS.”
There are a number of questions that arise when an image such as this appears, such as why that kid ate the neck of his guitar. Foremost among the others: shouldn’t he be playing/eating a piano? Also, this aisle is not cat specific; this sign could have said “Bennie and the pets” and had a better rhyme. Although that depends on this actually being a reference to the Elton John song “Bennie and the Jets” and this kid having any idea who Elton John is, but not knowing enough about the song beyond the title to realize “Bennie” is supposed to be a female person because I didn’t raise no sissy. In any of these situations, assuming one of these figures is Bennie, there is only one other accounted for who the pet could be, meaning it should be singular! Ha ha! GOT EM.

OR, perhaps the “BENNIE” IS the cat and the “CATS” is…

Awwwwww nawwwwww! I knew I shouldn’t have made a reference to twelve years ago! Now they’ll all be after me. Every atrocity from the end of the 1990s: Tomagotchis, Viagra jokes, Mahir Cagri links, the first time I was totally disappointed by Mad TV but expected it to turn around, Creed’s first hit album, Chrono Trigger without translucency emulation and an inexplicable, insatiable hunger for spheroid body parts can’t be far behind!

That is not so bad. It’s only from 2002! What IS bad: the amount of rubbish I write in a week would have gotten me through four months back then!

How cultural misunderstanding can lead to a life long addiction. I realize this is the intended use of the Translation Party website that nobody has cared about since or before last September, to input something normal and get something absurd in return, and thus I cannot claim credit for its conclusion, but this seemed too important to not publicly acknowledge, particularly since the website no longer functions in this way; that question “translates” perfectly both ways. You may think of me as the messenger of a slain prophet, if you like.

I feel like I learned a lot, but not as much as I should have. I hope there won’t be a test.

I wish ALF was on this quiz. THAT would be tough to guess.

Well I do NOW. Thanksh a bunch. They should provide a “forfeit knowledge” option.

Oops. If I’m forgetting my own birthday, is it at all responsible business practicing to let me use a credit card online?

Perhaps I also forgot that responsible business is often a different thing than effective business. I’ve heard of bestiality, but never a whole sex zoo just for the purpose. Until now! I hope that doesn’t turn out to be one of the websites I post my drawings on.

You put on a brave face, but I can tell you’re concerned.

6 Responses
  1. 1
    10:37 pm, April 11, 2010

    Jumbi sez:

    I am technically not old enough to know this joke, but “Bennie and the Pets” gave me a good chuckle.
    Thankfully, I did not recognize all of the late-nineties atrocities, or the ‘best homo sapien RIGHT NOW’. If that is a good thing.

  2. 2
    5:25 pm, April 12, 2010

    Mr. Pullapants sez:

    “Bieber” is an unfortunate name, first because it means “beaver”, and second because it suggests one has a propensity toward biebing.

    In the older days of your site, I would not infrequently be presented with a pop-up window suggesting I might want to search the web for “Hillary Doof”. I never learned whether this was an intentional joke on your part, a misguided attempt at targeted advertising, or the curse of some wicked sorcerer. Such are the mysteries of Bimshwel.

  3. 3
    8:27 pm, April 12, 2010

    Rabivit sez:

    Bennie is short for Benjamin, which is a funny name.
    I personally find CATS and its base having somewhat amusing, now outside the cloud of idiocy that I confess I probably would not have known about it without, but for a while there, people quoting, misquoting and making reference to the sequence were inescapable. These days that sort of stuff is normal, “memes,” and I generally dislike it (you’re surprised, I’m sure!), particularly when one isn’t built upon a thing that is itself meritorious or entertaining. Like someone will decide “let’s all do this random annoying thing and see how many other people we can also get to do it because that’s our best shot at validating our existences!” Bah, feh and fwah.

    I was concerned about the fellow’s biebing, but I didn’t want to bring it up for fear I might alarm somebody. I realize now it was dishonest and cowardly to attempt to conceal such a threat.

    I had no control over bimshwel.tripod.com’s up-popping notices. And clearly whoever did wasn’t making much money for the company with them if they seemed like they were jokes. I was so afraid of scaring off the few visitors I had that I dare not have attempted such a thing! I wouldn’t trust people to get something like that now.

  4. 4
    12:07 am, April 14, 2010

    ifihadjo sez:

    I am unfamiliar with said Justin Bieber. It says in that headline that he was small town, raised by a teen mom and causes fainting spells. Sounds like the anti-christ to me. Either that or another teen sensation. How do you stomach this stuff? Is there some sort of vaccine?

  5. 5
    3:57 am, April 14, 2010

    James Dean sez:


  6. 6
    10:17 pm, April 17, 2010

    Rabivit sez:

    Hadjo: You make a clever and frightful observation about the one-who-beibs’ origin, but the answer to your question is simple: I am a lungfish; I have no stomach at all.

    Dean: you are confused. I am a trainwreck.

feed comments.

Sorry, the comment form is apologizing at this time. Which probably means I got tired of deleting robot comments off this post. It is unfortunate, but generally very few actual people have anything to say to me.

Nobody I know has a website anymore

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