This is the page Sega doesn't want you to see. Already, I'm sure you don't want you to see it, either. It could be said that this game is an easy target. Easy enough even for me, perhaps. Why, then, do I consider making this page to be among some of the most grueling and painful tasks I have ever carried out?

You could call this a game in the same sense that you might call walnuts and pennies Halloween candy.

Yes, there is a Barney video game.  Not surprisingly (at least I hope not, for your sake), it is rather boring, which could be due to the fact that it is spun off from the Barney television show, which is also quite boring, despite it's dazzling special effects, gripping storylines and talented rotating ensemble cast.  The game's boredom could also be due to the fact that it's supposed to be educational in some way (at least to the degree that the TV show is), and anyone who's actually endured one of those games knows what I'm talking about, ehh? Ehhhhh?  EHHHHHHHHHHHH?!
Pardon me, that was uncalled for.
As I was saying, In the notably unmagical world of electronic gaming, the standard English term "educational" translates roughly to "simple remedial tasks guided by brightly colored cartoon characters who never seem to shut up."  It's true.  A little snake told me.  After I pressed H.

Understand that I don't hate this game because it has Barney in it, but that certainly helped. I hate it because it's a lousy and scary game. Realize that at no time was I a Barney fanatic, like the way I was a Moraff fanatic back in 1996.  The problem is, I just can't resist a good challenge.  The challenge?  Play through the entire game, and then write a page about it afterwards without being driven to murder or suicide.

I live for danger.

If we were to pretend that this game had a premise, it would be that five of Barney's large headed special "friends" have meandered off to different areas of four badly drawn levels to hide from Barney.  And who can blame them?  Unfortunately, because they were in such close proximity to Barney for so long, they are mentally incapable of finding good hiding places.  Barney's quest is to find and KILL hug them.  Actually, Barney doesn't have to do anything.  Just walking to the edge of the map will end any level, without any effort.  Really.  No effort whatsoever.  In fact, if you don't press anything for several seconds, the game plays by itself .  Barney just starts walking, stopping periodically to spout gibberish at you, right on to the exit. Aw beans, even The Count won't let you leave until you do exactly what he told you to do in his game!
Fortunately for you, I don't have a page about that one.


Down, down-right, right A

Hold left, forward, C

Left, rotate counterclockwise to left, A

Just use a Gameshark, you uncoordinated sod

Turn this game on, choose the guy who does this, and enter its button combination

Cross your eyes, take a sociology course, enjoy your pudding

One can only wonder why a game with as much digitized speech as this one was designed exclusively for the Sega Genesis.  I'm guessing the people in charge of the project didn't want to be lost in the shadow of such stiff competition as Nintendo's tremendously successful breakthrough Mario's Early Years series (I'm sure you've heard all about it), but that obviously didn't stop Mattel from commissioning Barbie video games (and yes, I am aware that page is more amusing than this one. I bet the game is, too).  You may argue that High-Tech Expressions didn't intend for their Barbie themed games to be educational, but you can't deny that they're aimed at the same audience: clueless parents who don't know any better.

Level 1

This is the first level.  That's about it.  It has been dubbed "the forest," even though the most common foreground objects in the level even remotely resembling trees are hollowed out logs not unlike the one depicted in the above GIF.  I'd prefer you to draw your own conclusions; you certainly couldn't do any worse than this game's art department.

"Stop!  Wait until it's safe!"   Barney teaches kids not to jump into pools of blue, squiggly lines unless there's a log nearby.  Good work!
Note the fact that I had to decrease the scale of the image to make it fit the size format I've been using.  Ahhh... conformity.

Yes, little raccoon, do your part to clean up the uhhh... grey and orange lumps that lie littered around the first level, since anyone with a half a mind knows it's these small, nocturnal scavengers who are really to blame for the sad condition of the Great Outdoors™.  It's true.  The hole in the ozone layer?  Giant pandas.  Toxic oil spills?  Baby seals. Tens of thousands of tons of nuclear waste? Siegfried and Roy. I know, I was surprised too. Initially.

Those frogs bother me for all wrong reasons.  Of course, I am of the opinion that there's no one way to be offended by this game, so who am I to judge?

Level 2

The game has titled this level "music town."  It's pretty much the same as the previous level, except the dirty, dirty frogs have been replaced by scary, scary, anthropomorphic tubas.

I'll admit, this isn't the first Sega Genesis game I've seen with an LSD generated hallucination inspired "music theme" level, but at least those had a few gameplay elements to distract players from how stupid and unoriginal of an idea that is.  Next you'll probably be seeing Barney in a pyramid or ice field or something.

"Oh boy.  We can ride on the cloud."   That's right Barney.  We can ride on the cloud.  Suuuuurrre...  We can all ride on the cloud....

Moments before being pushed to his demise, Black Kid appears grateful.

Level 3

Aparrently Barney's underwater or something.  I don't know.  I'm personally trying not to think about it too much, lest my brain should explode whilst attempting to comprehend unconditional idiocy.

Perhaps Barney hugged a few too many of the wrong random people and they got together and tossed Barney into New York's famous East River.  Luckily for them, the programmers of the game were too high (see also: level 2) to remember how water affects gravity, thus saving a bundle on costly cement filled buckets.

Barney tries in vain to strangle an innacurately rendered octopus to death. 
I ask "why?" Not to any particular incident, just "why" in general.

First the log, then the cloud, and now... a turtle?  What exactly am I supposed to be learning from this game, anyway?

Level 4

Hurray!  Another level!  Another exhilirating, fun-filled...  D'ahhh...!  Isn't this game over yet?! Gosh darn golly gee whillickers,  you'd think I'd have turned the game off by now!   It's not like someone's actually going to download this somewhere and complain that I didn't properly address the final level, the game's greatest challenge.  But no.  I have a commitment to the consumer , or something like that.

Not surprisingly, the scarecrow is by no means the scariest thing in this level.

What a hypocrite Barney is.  After spending the last level allegedly submerged in it, Barney once again brings out the stop sign at the notion of possibly entering the "water."  I know, I said Barney was probably thrown in there by the mafia or a similar group, but at my age, you can't be expecting me to remember saying something like that.

Those evil, evil frogs have returned for this level.  I don't particularly like the way this one is eyeing that piglet.  You can plainly see that even the large pig is disturbed by this.  Barney, clearly drunk, doesn't really care.

Don't worry, it's almost over...

I read somewhere that Brian Eppes, the actor who played "Michael" on the barney show only left because he couldn't sing the high notes in the songs anymore. Come on, that's a bit like getting expelled from kindergarten because your fingers are too big for the little scissors, isn't it? Great gimpity, that's like turning off Growing Pains because the show's over! 

This is the screen I was treated to when I loaded the rom I had into the emulator I used.
Yeth... You "UNTOUCHABLE GUYS AT CENSOR" are so badass with your guns and sunglasses , defying the law, risking your lives so people can play the Barney video game.   Because after all, it is "THE BEST IN CONSOL ENTERTAINMENT."

Here we see- oh!  My mistake.  This is actually a picture from one of those "Barney 3D" Doom addons.  Since they both employ about the same level of logic, can you honestly tell the difference?

So what have I learned from playing this?

Being awful doesn't automatically make a game educational

Stop, wait until it's safe.

The signs posted around national parks saying to leave the animals alone don't apply to hugging.

I really, really, hate playing this game.

"And remember, I love you."

Don't let the kids find out!