“I used to work for Moraff.... he's a chump.” -old Welsh proverb

The story you are about to read is probably true.  Any innacuracies that are to be found are most likely there on account of my laziness, or maybe they just seemed funny at the time.  I now present to you Moraffware's masterpiece:

This is where you go when you don't apologize.

Dungeons of the Unforgiven, the game critics hail as critically hailable!

The first thing you are confronted with is a screen asking you to choose your video mode.  Not wanting to risk losing any potential buyers, this game accepts various video modes ranging from 4 color CGA at 320X200 pixels to 256 color Super VGA at 1024X768 pixels.  The major drawback to the latter option is that a video adapter chipset must be specified from a provided list, most of which haven't been in use since 1993.  Not that I did any research, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was correct.

Above, you can see how the game appears in three different video modes.  "But wait, Zartan!," you say.  "Those aren't from the same part of the game!  How do I know you didn't doctor these up?"  First of all, I've had this here for what? Like, two, maybe three years? How could you still not know I'm not Zartan? This has always been explained to me as being a direct result of my second point, which is that you're a moron, but it shouldn't have to be! (However, I have included Zartan's comments from the old page, as well as some additional remarks I plucked quite without asking from an e-mail he sent to me on this subject, in a blue font you will encounter eventually)

Ehhh. What you're actually seeing, in those pictures, is Moraffware's response to animation becoming mainstream and therefore expected.  Every monster in the game does this, so you'd better get used to it fast.  Fortunately, it seems almost welcome in this instance, due to reasons not even I can come up with an explanation for.

Such is the power of Moraff.

By pressing left and right at the same time, you can cause some of the less assymetrical monsters to look like they're dancing.  It's fun, in a really sad, pathetic sort of way.  To think a whole software company could be built around such a philosophy is almost mind boggling.  Almost.

Below, a rundown of a few of the fearsome, flipping foes you will face.  Feh.  First is the description provided by the game, followed by our expert's* own in depth analasys.
*Expert may just be me in glasses and lab-coat.
Quick and agile.  Yes, this sort of redundancy is Moraff's way of intimidating you.  They try to make you think that, perhaps, there is some minor difference between the two that would warrant the listing of both.  Speed is most likely an important factor for these ferocious women, as it's quite hard to take your oponent seriously when they don't even understand how to properly weild their weaponry.  One can only ponder the implications of the word "lesdidian."
More of the famous Moraff redundancy.  Strong, as well as powerful.  And of course worst, worst of all, as has been said, it has already died in some way, which logically implies that it could not possibly be killed a second time.  One might assume that would make it a zombie, but zombies are not widely known for being intelligent, are they?  It's far from my worst nightmare, though.  I reckon that would involve a lot more running in place.  I reckon.
  As is obvious from the provided description, not even the game's creator has a definite idea of what the hell this creature actually is.  I can understand the confusion.  Note the straps, which appear to indicate that the wings are not at all natural.  But without the wings, it would have only two arms and would hence be rendered immobile.  This just goes to prove that even a top selling internationally known software company such as Moraffware does not discriminate against the handicapped.
Another one that makes you think.  Who doesn't like me?  The people in the boat or the birds?  And what reason could either party have for hating me?  How did the birds get into the dungeon, and how could they be living there, if there is nothing for them to land on?  How are the birds even relevant at all?  Hey, how did the boat get down there?  Are there trees in hell?  Dungeons of the Unforgiven:  The thinking twit's game.
Unnecessary horizontal flipping and strange video modes aside, the graphics in Module 1 are quite good, at least in comparison to some of the other [non console] stuff released in early 1993.  Like... well I don't know, but they aren't too bad, especially when you consider that more than half the color palette is occupied by the not quite nauseating, yet still sufficiently sickening "rainbow" highlighting.  This was sort of a trademark of Moraffware's DOS games, I'm guessing as a way of displaying its VGA superiority. "Why should I play Moraff games?," a hypothetical idiot might ask.  "Because you get to see brown gradually turn into green!," an excessively enthusiastic yet also hypothetical Moraff would reply.

The later modules (if you haven't already figured it out, "module" is the word Moraffware uses in place of "episode") are a bit of a let down, as all of the dungeons look exactly the same, the Moraff people just rearranged the wall graphics to be displayed with each of the game's four almost distinct color palettes.  But more on that later.

Another sign of Moraff's cheapness is found in the expanded modules' monsters, because most of them are ripped straight out of the game's very similar predecessor, Moraff's World, especially cheap, because those were made originally in 16 colors (not particularly well, I might add), and no effort was made to update them. Such an effort may have proven unwanted after all, though, because there are a couple which were clearly drawn by neither artist, and those look even worse.

Yes, I'm talking about you.

The gameplay is pretty straight forward.  Gee, how many times have you heard THAT one?  You walk around, fight stuff, walk around some more, immediatly followed by more fighting.  Then you fall through a hole in the ground and suddenly the mosters look different but aren't any harder to kill.  That's basically the game.

There is no treasure to be found lying on the ground or "hidden" inside of an unlocked inconspicuous red and yellow box.  Any and all treasure must be obtained through the slaying of monsters, and cycling through the random messages generated upon you doing so.  The greatest of the treasures are carried by the shadow monsters, identifiable by their mysteriously transparent areas ehhh- if you hadn't guessed that already by the name.

I wish that all my pots and pans said "Moraffware" on them. Seriously, working for Moraff would be fabulous. Every day would be a battle to quell hysterical laughter before biting through my second knuckle. I can just imagine his goofy head popping around the corner to deliver great, unsolicited, snake-like motivational comments. I bet that he's got a popcorn popper.

As far as a plot or storyline goes, there is none(1), which is probably a good thing, because I dread to think of what sort of absurd goals would be dreamed up by someone who's already decided walking, rainbow garbage cans are to be my mortal enemies.

Yes, garbage cans. 

These things are everywhere, and they can take anywhere from 3 to 15 times as many hits to destroy as anything else, with the possible exception of the giant balls, but I shall focus on the garbage cans because the giant balls aren't nearly as disturbing. (2)  These hoardes of mutated, brightly coloured, boot wearing garbage cans want to kill you.  Perhaps they are angry because of the awful paint job they have been afflicted with, that they are helpless to remedy because they have no arms?

Moraff does not give any reason for including them in the game, contributing only the comment "what an annoying monster." (3)   No explanation is provided for the afore mentioned rainbow colouration, or the legs, for that matter.  And how does it plan to attack me, if it has no arms?  I doubt it would be at all capable of kicking me, without falling down and spilling its valuable garbage.

(1)Zartan's theory on the storyline of Dungeons of the Unforgiven: mild-mannered anti-social twat hears "you play those games so much; don't you think you could find a way to make a living from them?" one too many times from his overbearing mother, and subsequently drops his given name and begins releasing allegedly state-of-the-art stinkbombs on impulse control-impaired computer gamers all over the world, thanks to a hideous meme calling itself "the shareware concept". Your job? Stop him before he makes a fighting game.

(2)Anyone who's ever been exposed to more than their fair share of those "ate my balls" pages would really have to disagree at this point. I got an e-mail from someone asking that I link to their "awesome webpage" that was "my style of humor" -- yes, you guessed it, sports fans, it was called "Xena: Warrior Princess Ate My Balls". The worst thing about those pages is the depiction of the balls themselves: it's as if Xena, Vanilla Ice, et al are eating the sawed-off tops of balding men's heads. Yuck.

(3)Those rainbow-colored trash cans look a hell of a lot like the big rotating shield that protects the delicious, sugar-frosted "MPC Cone" in the arcade version of Tron. The proposition of being de-rezzed by a trash can wearing rave-kid pants and Rumplestiltskin boots would strike even the most casual of gamers as annoying. Moraff's terse, impersonal, yet deadly accurate pen strikes again.

The famous "garbage can," or as it is known in this particular Moraffware game, "giant garbage can."  It has made appearances in four that I know of.  Despite what the game will tell you, killing these is the most common task in the game.  Aren't you lucky!

No cans of toxic waste were seriously mutilated during the making of this page.  That all happened *much* later.
Much like the giant garbage can, the "can of toxic waste" has sprouted legs.  But a stunning further evolution has blessed it with arms as well.  The logical next step would most likely be a head, but I'm probably just optomistic.

This, ahhh... well what can I say?  It's a bomb.  You don't think Moraff's a tad bit paranoid about pollution, do you?  These, as well as a host of others, including the toxic waste canister, can poison you or inflict upon you a mysterious, unnamed "disease" if they manage to hit you.

This is almost enough to make me want to play one of those Mech Warrior games.  Almost.
Okay, I swear I did not make this up.  I couldn't if I tried .  Alright, maybe if I tried really hard I could, but that's not the point.  Huh.  These "druggies" come in poisonous and "diseased" varieties, just like the other two that I said did that.  Assuming you didn't already gather that from those seemingly innocent looking syringes.

On the whole, the game is not very hard, but at the beginning, and I defy you to play it longer, it seems SPAMmed near impossible, even with the continued encouragement of a "little snake" (coincidentally also named Little Snake) who will reward you with kind, generous compliments from time to time.

Hail?  Underground?

You will constantly be confronted by the likes of level drainers, garbage cans and the afore-mentioned holes in the floor ("chutes"), making early survival very difficult, especially since you are only given one "life."  The game saves as you play it, and will delete your character if you die (this Shareware version may offer to revive your character, but only after you register the game).  As Moraff explains it:

"The only protection against these dangers is to stay in the living room and watch TV instead of venturing out into the unknown in search of fortune and adventure."

Well put, my friend. I couldn't have said it better myself. And why would I try?
(Zsa-Zsa. Fabio. Popeil. Snoopy. And now, Moraff. Gods among men so amazing they need but one name. Your quick and E-Z guide to credibility: preface your weakest argument with "well, as Moraff likes to say" and watch your opponents wither.)

The later Modules:  A closer look
Since this page first appeared in mid-2000 right about here, I have recieved numerous e-mail messages regarding it (since it's appeared here, no one's said a thing).  When they weren't telling me that the link to my "how to cheat" file didn't work, they were asking me where they could get a hold of the full version of Dungeons of the Unforgiven without calling the Moraff hotline.  It's nice to have fans.  Since I had lost my Moraff disks long before the last time I updated this, I thought the least I could do was show all the ones of people who might have seen this before I deleted it what the later areas of the game looked like. It would seem I'm doing it again.

Section III

Section VI

Section XVI

Section XVII
Impressive, yes?  Notice how despite the the palette changes, the giant garbage can always looks the same.  You know, unlike everything else.

It's bad enough that Moraff ran out of new monsters before finishing this game, but it soon became apparent that he had run out of old monsters as well! So, like a considerably less ambitious yet equally evil Dr. Frankenstein, he set out creating new abominations from the parts of those he had already used.
While I certainly prefer this to the somewhat less creative and considerably less amusing palette-swapping job he gave the dungeon graphics, it still sort of bothers me that they all have the same head(s). It's a shame Moraff didn't get a patent on this technology when he had the chance, as he would really have stood to profit when it was later used to create “author” characters for an estimated 1375 sprite based comic strips.

Is that its mouth or a banana?
 This... thing had the honor of being the only Moraff's World monster to be redrawn for its appearance in DOTU.  DOTU. Ha ha. DOTU! Excuse me. That was uncalled for. As I was saying, before, it looked like a mutant asterisk wearing laced clogs.  Now it looks like a mutant tribble wearing laced clogs. That's Moregress.

99 bottles of disease on the wall...
 I am of the opinion that once you've resorted to putting legs on a flask for your monster bestiary, you should stop, because you've clearly run out of ideas. Clearly, not all that unlike my captions.

If you're still not convinced that you absolutely must play this game, I treat you now to the actual file_id.diz for Dungeons of the Unforgiven.

Moraff's Dungeons of the Unforgiven, Module I, updated 7/23/93:
NOW WITH 3D imaging on the walls and SUPER-VGA GRAPHICS!

This stunning dungeons and monsters game contains 25 levels of the most realistic 3D imaging ever seen in a computer game! Battle monsters ranging from groups of flying creatures to groups of female warriors, to water creatures who inhabit flooded sections of the dungeon! Flee from monsters that drift down the 3D corridors in boats! This masterpiece contains over 100 different spells, gobs of magic items, and much more. Unforgiven puts commercial computer games to shame!  A little snake provides built-in intelligent help that is second to none! The little snake realizes when you are confused and makes suggestions appropriately. All commands are one-key (or one button), no typing of words or sentences.

Supports Hercules, CGA, EGA, low-res VGA, high-res VGA, Super-VGA (800x600 or 1024x768-in 16 or 256 colors), plus most Windows acceleraters!

Just fucking fabulous, really. Makes me wonder why anyone ever makes computer games anymore.
Keep in mind that this was how they described the initial releases.  In later updates, it was modified to include the following disclaimer:

IMPORTANT NOTE: This is not a Doom clone! It is a non-animated, 3D, strategy-based ultra-highres game of battle and power! This is the most addictive shareware game ever made.

Just think... that's supposed to make you want to download it.

MORAFF. Jesus. I've of late decided to always type his name in all caps. Just because.
All in all, I liked it.  But then, I'm sick beyond sick. You can thus understand how dismayed I was to learn that despite most MoraffWare games being available in newer, prettier Windows versions all on a single CD-ROM, complete with even more psychotic rainbows, all public ties have since been severed to the dungeon games, meaning there will be no updated releases. At least, that's what I thought.  Just to be sure, I sent along an e-mail message to moraff.com's general inquiry address, titled aptly enough "General inquiry..."

Hello!  One of my favorite games is Dungeons of the Unforgiven, and I was wondering, what with it's prestigous status as a world leader in high resolution Windows shareware, Moraffware had any plans for an updated Windows release!  You know, like what happened with Morejongg and Escapade!  Well, do you?

I comtemplated using such terms as "industry trendsetter" and "software pioneer," but didn't in the end because I thought that might look a bit too phony.  Almost as if Moraff himself had aquired an anonymous e-mail address to "test" his own staff.  Anyway, I received this response:

Unfortunately, Steve has moved away from the old Dos Dungeon games.  They are sold in their old form but will not be upgraded.

I like how it says "moved away."  Like the dungeon games are a forbidden subject that are no longer to be mentioned in Moraff's presence.  I can imagine the late night meeting...

You!  You've got some nerve showing up here!
I seek to make amends for the trouble I've caused you.
Get out of my sight.  I never want to see your .exe again!
But Moraff...
Fine then.  Goodbye, Programmer And Writer.

Seriously, this has Lifetime made for TV movie written all over it. Hopefully in less garish fonts than I've used here.
I really wanted to like his RPG games, for some reason; I suppose it was because I wanted to see what wonderful, stupid new enemies / hints MORAFF would fling at me as I descended into the dungeons. Sorry, but the "you can only save your game if you've got the cash" aspect (a) blew that right out of the water and (b) said more about MORAFF than his bio page and his links page combined.

Did you know that MORAFF likes photography? NEITHER DID I, UNTIL NOW! I want to find out where he lives and move there, so that I can work for him and talk him into making an RPG about sexual stalking. I figure that if I say "VGA" enough times, he'll buckle.

This teleporter shows up even if you are already in module two. Trick to confuse and baffle by a very very misunderstood genius, or more proof that Moraff didn't honestly expect anyone to register this game? You be the- . . . . . . You really don't care, do you.

MoraffWare founder Steve Moraff, left (his left), at his weekly "dirty old perverted mime" class, just moments before being mauled, savagely beaten, and later inhaled by three time Olympic champion bicycle thief, Donna Trujillo, right.  If you don't know what this means, you're not alone.

After eight or so years I thought it was about time I removed the items once mentioned down here. I'm not on tripod.com anymore, after all. We still don't know what Moraff is truly capable of. Do let me know if this bothers you.

So there.

You just failed the wet bag friendship test.
Don't kid yourself, snake. There is no "they."