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Questionable artwork and pedantic miscellany
August 23, 2007
They laid waste to the flesh and blood of America’s daughters.

Concerning NEMITZ.

The remarkably uninspiring true story of how a badly drawn yellow and red animal exposed Valerie Plame and fired numerous U.S. attorneys out of spite and felt no regret or remorse, but plenty of regurgitation. Half reckless self-indulgence, half painful self-digestion, leaving me less of a person than I was when I began. All for you! This has been mostly done for days, now, but nemitz’s lawyers kept making me go back and change things, which has kept more than a few, I would think, more important things from getting done.

April 24, 2008
Ronald Reagan has never been to China but Big Bird has been there twice.

I bet you thought I forgot! Yes, today you are a stupid smiling orange bipedal beast with an inadequate vocabulary and questionable eating habits. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

May 19, 2008
omfg u guys are wimps i rodeo and idc if the calf gets “a little discomfort” because if u want my oppinion all animals are NOT people?

Some weeks ago, not long in the present, a person, known as Runde, who I happened to be in occasional contact with, suddenly proclaimed that he would accept artwork subject requests from ten people, no more, no less.

There’s a lot of request requesting in the field of deviant arts, but like any other noticeably non-journalistic task the journal construction tools are used for, usually peculiar demands are made in return which seek to have other people imitate the deed and more importantly bring glory to the person who ordered the imitations, and occasionally whoever first ordered it as well. I will probably explain this in detail some other time. I actually already did but it’s… painful. I am trying to separate my annoyance at the system in general from my lack of annoyance at a situation which came up once. That means I took out the bit about “stamps,” too. All the mood-swinging was disrupting my ear-fluid.

Runde, though, not only cast out the free request line, but decided to break the indirect validation chain by dropping any arbitrary complications as well, in a display of selflessness and humility I’d rarely manage, simply stating “I would like the practice.” I bean if it was me I’d be getting all up in them journals like “Behold, my might, fools! Look at what I am doing for you! Ten silly beasts for the price of none! You now bear the weight of my eternal curse until you pass it to ten others! Is that what it is worth to you?” Runde is not a wicked sorcerer in these matters. There still was one problem, however, also me.
The wicked thought came to me what an opportunity I had to get someone else to draw a nemitz without being expected to embarrass myself beyond my usual quota at a later date (as I am no good with public displays of anything). But why? I’ve drawn probably thousands of them already, typically to a standard I regard as adequate. Any significance to having one made by someone else is lost if I have to ask for it, right?

And yet…

You may see how this “quayeg” “person” attempts to shift ultimate responsibility, either to not seem obsessed or to not seem interested, but I know the truth.

And so, not incredibly long later,

There! At the right! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!
A reasonable person would assume nemitz can’t read, but we have no evidence nor accusation that any word comprehension is taking place here. The positioning of nemitzs’ nemittens suggests that it intends to eat the book. I reckon the robot kaiser turtle is having none of that.

I suppose it’s good to know that nemitz, at least, is better at making friends than I am. Also that it’s possible for the creature to be drawn with more reasonably-exposed eyes without looking creepy[er]. I have tried and failed, but this Runde person seems to have figured it out, and without any apparent hint of resentment, either.

If some weirdo (“some weirdo” referring to a person like myself, just not specifically me for the purposes of this hypothesis) I hardly, if at all, knew, responded to an offer I surely meant for someone else and said “eck! draw this thing you likely never wanted to be drawing and for free,” the chance is that I’d find some awkward way out of it or do it poorly or in such a way that it no longer fully resembled the thing. Yet that there is unmistakably the nemitz. Indeed, I suspect that a couple of the ten were only taken on begrudgingly, but I cannot tell which, looking at the results. That is good. If you want to have actual art-work, that’s pretty much all it is. Drawing things you hate but making it look like you don’t necessarily hate it, meanwhile wondering how The Wizard of Id could possibly have required the contributions of two people. By the basket, did you know both Parker and Hart have been dead for a year? I thought they had been murdered and secretly replaced by a jealous photocopier twenty years ago.

Rundeh is one of a small unaffiliated group of persons who for whatever reason found and left positive remarks regarding stupid junk I had made, with the effect of altering my perception of community art website users as terrible people terribly obsessed with terrible things. I still think a lot of them are, but I don’t see why you have to be so negative all the time. As you know, I only made a deviant-art page at all because some yahoo dared me.

This was a strange situation. The figures from the previous group, at least by their default arrangement on the gallery page, seem to have taken a distinct dislike to nemitz. I’m sure they have a perfectly good reason. I speculated that they may be gods, due to the immense size suggested by not fitting their entire selves on the page, and also the general influence of the devilish being lurking in the back. And… have you ever seen a happy god? They’re always mad at something. And in this case it’s nemitz. Maybe that book is the Necronomicon. I hear they plan to take revenge by dropping an empty coke bottle on nemitz.

Actually, it only appears this way if your screen resolution is above 1024×768, because a few months ago the deviant-art machine placed a big block stupid ad in the uppermost row of every gallery page belonging to someone not paying protection money. (Gods use big monitors)

Another thing I like about Ryundai is that he doesn’t waste paper. If it seems imprudent to cram mass amounts of crazy fools onto one page together he tends to occupy excess space with bizarre heirlogryphy symbols floating all over the place in such a way that they seem like they make sense there. He also has pretty handwriting. I won’t pretend I think he regards Free Sketches 4 to 7 as his best ever work just because nemitz is in it, I just thought it would function well as a selfish visual aid for me. I was really only here today to talk about that.

Yes, so… I just thought I’d mention that? I swear none of this is supposed to be an insult. I have often observed that the amount of insult I cause is inversely-proportional to the amount I intend to cause.

Look, see? Already. I have offended my own graphics by not wanting to offend anyone. Truly, I cannot win.

The internet has it in for me.

July 15, 2008
Frodo, don’t wear the ring… you’ll never be the lord of the rings

I would like to tell you my participation in silly request drives was a single isolated occasion, but at this time the best I can say is that it was two isolated occasions. In the case reported upon today, I was not prompted, by Jumbi, for a subject matter demand, and so gave none, and expected, if anything, another nemitz. You just think you’re so popular, don’t you nemitz. Well ha fa, it isn’t you. Scoundrel. 

Lepidoptera members are notorious for ignoring akimbo warnings

I wonder why I haven’t been drawing the ears like that. I’d rather have ALPSHE seem related to NEMITZ than THE dOPE, which currently has more similar ears. It shouldn’t, but it does.

On a past occasion today’s culprit also made the first item described here and on yet another occasion several related characters (and others which aren’t, so much) on, eh, notebook paper, but I do declare the recent upgrade went splendidly. I used to draw proto-bimshwellians on my own notebook paper, but they tended to be tiny enough that the notes did not feel threatened. Anything bigger doesn’t fit in the margin-areas and looks like it’s in [sideways] jail. And verily, many of my charges deserve to be in jail… otay, it may have uses. Perhaps you’re wondering why you should flimb that anyone drew any of them. And in that event you shouldn’t! I realize there’s little interest factor here to anyone but me. Elpse is not insta-fave material. Drawing these will not get you popular. I ma(d)e pictures for children at some school somewhere through an odd setup you also shouldn’t concern yourself with, but I can tell you that something which looks like pikachu gets a lot more attention and acknowledgment than, say, a delphin with laser eyes. Inserting dumb nemitz seemed but the slightest bit feasible and I did not try.

Posting other persons’ drawings of one’s own character-things is inspired by something within one’s-self similar, I believe, to that which prompts one to announce newly borne relatives or newly purchased automobiles. Surely you could not give a boken whether someone else depicted a dope nor if one of my cousins suddenly had childrens (and I seem to recall that one did at some point). Yet people on the internet announce these things as if they are interesting. Typically, they are not. Yes, at last, someone has blown the proverbial jiffypop dome off of online diarists’ aptitude for delivering needless information. It may simply seem inconceivable that anyone else would not be megenthralled, but surely they aren’t. Curious things, these human beings. Thankfully I neither know anyone who’s pregnant nor plan to become so myself within the foreseeable future.

Meanwhile, back at the original topic, I was fascinated to observe Jumbi claim to not hate elpse and that this was despite the irrational behavior the creature is shown to exhibit. First of all, I’m just glad anyone likes Elpse at all.1 I don’t remember, but I suspect what is perceived as elp’s general temperament is, or was unintended. There’s a certain way you come across if your response to someone’s words involves repeating them back, and that’s the only way it can happen if I want anyone else to know what stupid NEMITZ is saying. For example, why is c3po irritable? Not for being a poorly designed robot constantly tossed into situations requiring reflexes and agility it was designed without, not for never getting respect from non-robots. Just because of r2d2’s attitude. Imagine if r2d2 had to be carried around and could smile after doing something stupid. Elp’s biggest character flaw is liking NEMITZ.

1 I don’t know if was a result of society’s decreasing tolerance toward things that look like Ninja Turtles in the late 90s, but I drew the “elpse” imp occasionally for several years before making these dumb comics, and it always struck me as the least likely to be liked of the repeat-fiends.

Hopefully the vaguely familiar snake will not be returning.

So it’s come to this: on Wednesday, July 16, 2008, at approximately 10:52 pm, eastern regular time, I downloaded six ninja turtle games in less minutes than that. It would have been more but I had a few already. I don’t sincerely expect to get great use out of them but the fact that I acquired them is, in itself, alarming, and would be so even in the event it was totally legal. If I had stayed at Catholic school this is the sort of thing I’d have to tell the priest through the magical absolving upright sin drainage grate. I thought I hated ninja turtles. Because remember there was that oh wow, see, I don’t even want to talk about them. I must hate them.

November 8, 2008
I walk for miles inside this pit of danger


Most of us like to believe that the Obama election will prove to be a comparatively good thing for United Statia, and therefore the whole world which must deal with that, but I don’t like that he’s giving birds ideas. And my disapproval comes not from there being a lone brown bird among a gang of grey birds. What it comes down to is just that birds are not entitled to ideas. Look at them, hopping around on rocks all day. You’re missing the point, birds! They’re like lizards with feathers. I can’t stand it. And then a more important issue arises:

I don’t have a problem with there being a brown bird, just one that seems to think it is a duck. Guess what, bird! You’re not a duck! You’re just a regular, dumb old bird. Why would you want to be a duck? Birds which are not ducks but think they are must not be tolerated under any circumstances. They have lost that privilege. This bird needs to stop using the existence of racism as an excuse for it to act like a duck without consequences.

Try and imagine my uncontrollable discontent when I see a bird, glance away momentarily and suddenly it has no legs. And is floating toward a place it could easily have flown to. What a decadent bird! Why do we allow them to have so many methods of transportation? I would suggest making it an honorary duck, but I don’t like to imply that such a wasteful scoundrel is in any way honorable, nor that any duck could potentially be. And in fact upon reexamination I realize this bears no similarity whatsoever to Tuesday’s vote results. Thinking about ducks breaks my mind, sometimes. Now it only remains for me to decide whether to seek monetary damages or revenge.

Related news: on a previous occasion which might be documented directly below this occasion depending on your local listings, I used the subject line “His chair goes up, his chair goes down, the dentist is my pal” and followed that immediately with a picture showing, in part, NEMITZ in a chair of the sort one might expect to be adjustable. I would like at this time to clarify that NEMITZ is not licensed to perform dental work and more importantly not my or hopefully anyone else’s “pal.” Additionally I would not refer to nemitz with such a specific, personifying pronoun as “he” because the thing does not deserve it and may not meet the qualifications, besides. I decline to more closely examine this situation.

The suggestion that I pal around with nemitz is absurd, irresponsible, and perhaps just a bit offensive. Nemitz is my nemitsis. Arrrgh, I’ll throw a tugboat at nemitz. I think we appeared on the same season of Temptation Island together but that’s it. And this story that I attended a fund-raising event at nemitz’s house is the most ridiculous of all. Nemitz does not have a house. Nemitz lives in an abandoned Geo out in a field somewhere and besides that we didn’t raise much money anyway.

Never-you-mind dental work, I’m not even sure nemitz is licensed to be nemitz. A proposition was recently approved in eleven states making it illegal to be nemitz. Being a dope is illegal in all 50, but one must keep in mind that it’s a lot easier to ban every dope than to specifically ban nemitz. I consider it a victory for democracy.

You don’t want to get to a point where you’re asking people at the borders “are you nemitz?” While sure, nemitz would be dumb enough to respond favorably were nemitz smart enough to say something resembling “yes,” it would be a hassle for everyone else.

December 17, 2008
Leepers resemble frogs, except they have pointy ears and a big smile on their faces.

The best defense against potential burglars is to reside in a house that looks like it’s already been ransacked. This naturally works best in regions where it would not be suspicious for a burglar to not steal a lampshade.


Several people have recently found it prudent to harangue me for not inserting something resembling my name into these silly pictures. So now everyone must suffer.

Not necessarily this one was suggested.

Curious Skeme

As to why I neglected to give them hats or earmuffs, I don’t now remember but it probably wasn’t a good reason as the absense of those is the primary aspect of this picture that I like less than the other one similar to it.

It seems to me unfair that all the interesting mountains exist in places without snow. I’m sure from a meteorological perspective it makes perfect sense but as long as this is all made up I may disregard that if I wish.
This will hopefully be the last large picture to so prominently feature the red or green creatures for quite some time. I fear they are seen too much. For one ehhh, becoming obsessed with completing this, which approximately nobody requested me to make, has kept me from other tasks, one of which might well have been producing something elpse to float at the top of this website.

I require reasons for delay compiled in list form.
1 I don’t know how to draw skis
2 nobody knows how to draw skis that would work on stupid animals like this
3 if they did it would probably come in the form of a boot and the “joke” doesn’t work that way but I didn’t realize it went exclusively toward boots until I had already drawn it and my best hope then was to hope nobody else knew that
4 this is not how I usually color things
5 I obsess over minor nuisances anyway
6 and then I added additional problems before and after the list which I did not assign numerals to.

It is hard work to get something to look this cheap. What are the benefits to having a pixel based image of this size look like a tacky scummy vector construction? You, I am asking you this, as my research has not found there to be any.

I declare that it was all too much trouble for something that looks like powerpoint clipart that you couldn’t logically incorporate into a powerpoint document. And then I get through all that and realize that the original non-power “point,” that of ski decadence is much harder to discern than it was initially, due to the weird colors and all the junk I added. The focus is elsewhere, so the foreground figures become weird obstructions rather than the subjects. Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhtoo late fix.

Still to come: Somehow I have semi-agreed to make three sport themed pictures to be issued as tertiary semi-prizes for a raffle being raffed on December 23 at some place I hate going to. Because if there are any things I am known for, they are my ability to work fast for free and my love of all things sportly at places that I hate. Hopefully this will spare me at least one “what’re you doin in there? Are you gay?” by a drunk grabbing the restroom stall door the next time I fail to operate the apparently only toilet on the premises within a satisfactory time frame. Although scientists have proven that’s the only cure for urine retention brought on by fear and discomfort and/or gayness, I do understand that sometimes I have to compromise.

February 8, 2009
Rat found in green beans “again”

nemitz y elpse: whither be they now?

There. They are in a sketchy grey void right now. I hope this helpse.

Back in the old days I would upload these in groups of twelve. There are only four today, but they occupy roughly three times as much space on the screen.

Look at how you’ve dismayed the poor fool! How could anyone be so cruel?

Here’s someone with manners. Oh, please, don’t let me hold you up. By all means, tend to your pumpkin. Stupid animal. Who would call that thing?

You know what, I’d rather not know.

This is called an impasse.

This is called a scene from a CBC presentation of a presumably redubbed film known only as L’Impasse, whose English title, if applicable, I have been unable to determine, due in part to Carlito’s Way also being retitled “L’Impasse” when translated to Canadian. It is a documentary about Lambert, a high ranking unjammer of printers. Sony obtained the rights to a video game early on, but due to the film’s poor box office performance, which surprised everyone, through a highly unusual set of circumstances Lambert was changed into an anthropomorphous sheep trying to make it big in a rock band for the Playstation adaptation. There’s your scoop, then. Cherish it, for you may not get another.

March 8, 2009
You’re a fool, Gilbert, with your faith in nursery rhymes

Is that what it has gotten to? Meat loaf dreams? Meat loaf dreams that transition into Wolfenstein dreams? How dull have I become?

Argued with the cat. Was disgusted by its attitude.

I spent some time in an abandoned garage. I found the darkness welcoming, as well as the absence of Gameshow Network/Stupid Model Show Channel voices murmuring incoherently from below. I would have stayed longer but I had neglected to bring an object to assist in disposing of my nasal fluid residue, and was not yet open to the idea of using my clothing for wetness absorption. That I would have to be coerced into minutes later.

I tried lying down in the grass. I had already slipped and fallen while trying to throw a brick at a vacant resident’s pretentious yard pine tree and decided I should at least take advantage of my new position. It was not good. The grass is sharp because people cut it all the time with [inexcusably loud] machines. They only stop and leave when the grass gives up and stops growing in late November. So demoralized is the grass that it does not regain the confidence to grow again until Spring, but by then property owners have returned to cut it some more. I don’t like dirt anyway. Still, the experience was bearable enough that it may be worth trying near a place more visible to non-“association” citizens. Most people will ignore or not even see a body, but eventually someone will investigate and discover it is not dead. I will be interested to see how somebody reacts to this sort of thing. I’m guessing it will be with disappointment, both at the lameness of the prank and the lack of revelation of hidden tv cameras. No no, I just did it because my life is otherwise meaningless, yet I remain too sensible to expose my immediate acquaintances to the repercussions of violent crimes. My fear will be the last thing to go. Try again next week.

Monday, the nine:
I was outside my home, in the rain, trying to burn off some of my shame. I must have been particularly invested in the idea because as I reached the end of the road (it is a long road) I had to stop and lean against a sign and wait for my respiratory guild to reach an interim agreement. Usually I can merely slow down or stop. Unfortunately, this was not a stop sign, so I looked out of place. A car which had recently passed me stopped in the near distance and eventually hooked around and came toward me again. The driver asked if I was all right. I responded that I was a bit depressed, but this was only audible as an indistinct mumbling. I don’t think I’ve been all right in my entire life. Has anyone? A better query would have been if I was right enough for the immediate situation and I was. The violent coughing up of phlegm is actually a standard part of this routine. The next question, “do you want me to call somebody?” I responded to more voluminously, saying not to do so. Was I sure? I was. If there was anyone nearby worth talking to I would have stayed inside and done that. We parted with “you look like you’re going to pass out” and “it would be for the best,” once again not terribly audibly. It was the closest I had come to having a conversation in days. I wish I was capable of doing something so hard that I lost consciousness. It’s much better for getting attention and closer to some sort of productivity than a grief nap. I would just lie down in the road but that would be dishonest, and uncomfortable, besides.
Still, all in all the experience was a magnificent improvement over the last time I travelled in day-light and was seen, when I spoke instead to a duo of police officers who had been called forth with reports of “someone walking around in a daze.” I was not aware prior to then that it was a crime to find the clouds and scraggly tree branches more interesting than asphalt. Ehhh, I can not fault the mystery coward(s) for not recognizing me; they only live here for four months of the year.


Cliff edges continue to be sources of great danger.

March 31, 2009
got to wake up so early in the morning, got to swing on the golden gate

I need to take a nap.


The problem isn’t writing new things, it is amassing the courage to deal with what I’ve already written. Sometimes I wish I wrote less new things, quite honestly.


You have nothing to blame but your own incompetence! You should not have tried to do that! Stop faulting society for your own failures! Do not pout at people more capable than you! They can not help your inadequacy! That one has its own problems anyhow. Observe:

See here, the large one thinks it is better than the small one, but they both have the same dumb smile. They also have similar ears, but that is, hopefully, beside the point. They are almost certainly like-minded fools. I do not like their foolish minds. It is not good when the only support I can get comes in the form of a badly drawn fish already being used for support.

This is quite stupid. But we knew that. Yet it helps to reaffirm our knowledge sometimes. Why can’t any of these characters be smart? Why do they all have to be stupid?

Negative! You are not what I wanted! You get less respect than beans. You get less respect than green apples in cartoons. You get less respect than the Anthony Michael Hall season of Saturday Night Live. You get less respect than Disney’s The Black Cauldron. You get less respect than video games without army guys or zombies in them. You get less respect than chickens. You get less respect than Awesome Possum and Socket combined, assuming that low levels of respect are recorded as negative values, thus meaning that to add them together results in a lesser total figure. You get less respect than a Personal WBS Home Page. Posing with a bow tie animal does not at all improve your chances.


NO! YOU DON’T GET TO DO THAT! There’s already a picture of you here! You are not making a shocking entrance! Ha, ha! Vindictive typed laughter! I have beaten you this time! Unless… no! That can’t be right. Something is wrong. You’re trying to distract me from…


April 5, 2009
had it not three corners, it would not be my hat



Less than one complete day has finished itself since the initial exhibition of my previous new internet object. I did not like that being at the top of my page. I am not sure I particularly desire this audacious foolishness there, either, but at least it is finished with faster. I don’t have much to say about it. I am too appalled.
It is estimated that The Government spends two trillion greemish meepmarks (to put that in perspective, it is approximately 320 billion krippendorfian megapesos) annually on sophisticated aircraft like these and we simply cannot afford to assign them such incompetent pilots. Do disregard the rumors that the firm Pineco was unjustly granted a no-bid contract to manufacture the planes and has used substandard building materials to cut its own costs.

Also, the new These Green Eyes album Relapse to Recovery is still for sale. It is not on sale, and ordinarily I would advocate waiting until a thing was, because everything will be eventually, but sometimes pumpkins.

Nobody I know has a website anymore

Mr. Sr. Mxy
Gilhodes (bah you need a facebook account to see)
video game music database
pacific novelty
Green Lantern Head Trauma

them`s fightin` woids: July 21, 2020
Frimpinheap sez:
Thank you for approving! I don’t like to compare this to an “alpha build”...
July 19, 2020
Charmlatan sez:
Well, I wish to report that the video worked well, it’s like any other alpha build video of...
July 5, 2020
Charmlatan sez:
Don’t worry about having cake, because unfortunately I had enough for both of us. Oh dear. Oh...
July 4, 2020
Frimpinheap sez:
once i gave the blue dope a specific reason to have an umbrella, I could no longer casually...
July 4, 2020
Charmlatan sez:
Ah, interesting. Perhaps the umbrella can come back as a secret weapon. Hope there’s more...
July 4, 2020
Frimpinheap sez:
one dope is much like another but that is correct. It carries an umbrella in the cartoonish...
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    Some time in July 2001
    other things
    Awards this website hasn't won
    The first First Beet segment
    Embarrassing pictures 1
    Embarrassing pictures 2
    The same
    Umiliphus (my old derivative megamen sprite comic
    11/24/04, (I can only justify this by calling it an experiment, so I shall)
    Poetry Page
    The same