The only thing worse than being uneducated is taking sixteen years to realize that's not the problem.

By B of C,
for Mr. Schnepf,
on this day of Monday, May 16, 2005

Literary Insult: The Haunting of Full House
(Alternate title: Who's the House?)

Some of the book descriptions I read described the Hill House as being a "character" rather than a setting. The following comes from that idea.

DOCTOR JOHN MONTAGUE is in a chair beside a small table which has a telephone on it. The telephone rings.
JOHN: Hello?
Evil laughter emanates from telephone
JOHN: Sorry, I'm afraid you have dialed a wrong number.
Doctor hangs up
JOHN: I know that was you this time, Hill House! I disconnected the wire after the last one!
Audience laughs
HILL HOUSE: knock knock knock
JOHN: Such language!
Audience laughs
JOHN: Hill Howooose!
Audience applauds
JOHN: Hmmm, I wonder where the others are.
A woman screams off-screen, and a thump noise is heard
JOHN: Ah, that should be them now
audience laughs
door opens, THEODORA MCNUGGET enters, followed by ELEANOR VANCE.
THEODORA: That's the fifth time I've fallen over that lamp!
ELEANOR: Sixth, actually.
audience laughs
THEODORA: If it happens one more time...
HILL HOUSE: knock knock knock?
audienc: awww
THEODORA: Oh, Hill House.
Theodora gets hit by a brick
THEODORA: Darn you, Hill House!
audience laughs
ELEANOR: You look like you've been faring better, doctor.
JOHN: Hill House has been playing with the telephone. I doubt Borley Rectory ever prank-called anyone!
THEODORA: It's unlikely they had phone service back then.
audience laughs despite the inaccuracy of that statement
THEODORA: Doctor, where's Luke?
JOHN: Ah, you've read my mind.
THEODORA: That's right, I did.
audience laughs
JOHN: I forgot about that.
THEODORA: No you didn't.
audience laughs
JOHN: I thought Luke was right behind you.
THEODORA: Was he? Nell, was Luke behind us?
ELEANOR: Luke was behind us, and it is raining out today, and I am wearing my red sweater, and I like to eat popcorn with cinnamon.
THEODORA: (deadpan to camera) I'm sorry I asked.
Audience: laughs
a part of the ceiling breaks and falls, followed by a pile of blankets and candles or something
LUKE SANDERSON rolls out of the pile and looks upward.
LUKE: I've fallen, and I can't get up!
audience cheers and applauds
ELEANOR: Hello, Sanderson.
THEODORA: So nice of you to drop in.
audience laughs
JOHN: How many times have I told you not to go anywhere in Hill House alone?
LUKE: If I answer correctly, do I get a prize?
audience laughs
ELEANOR: Do you need some help?
THEODORA: I've been wondering that since we got here.
audience laughs
LUKE: I'll be fine, I've had worse accidents at the coal mine.
THEODORA: You're a miner? I thought you were a bullfighter.
audience laughs
LUKE: I needed another job once I had fought all the bulls.
ELEANOR: Ehm, how many bulls were there?
LUKE: In Siberia, about four.
audience shows no signs of tiring
Luke rises
ELEANOR: Hey, you said you couldn't get up.
audience laughs
THEODORA: Quit trying to be the center of attention, Nell.
ELEANOR: But...
THEODORA: Hush.
audience laughs. I don't know why.
JOHN: What were you doing upstairs?
LUKE: I got... lost?
JOHN: So lost that you didn't even realize you were going up the stairs?
LUKE: It's amazing, isn't it.
audience laughs
LUKE: I thought I saw that dog again, and I wasn't going to let it get away this time!
ELEANOR: And then...?
LUKE: It got away.
audience continues to laugh, somehow
LUKE: For some reason, one of the doors was open, and I saw the dog run in there. When I entered, the dog was gone, and then the floor gave way.
JOHN: That's a horribly contrived plot to get you upstairs, but given this sitcom format I have no choice but to believe you.
HILL HOUSE: knock knock knock
JOHN: Oh, and we're in Hill House, too.
audience laughs again
THEODORA: Hey, what's this? There's writing on it.
Theodora picks up an end of one of the things which fell.
THEODORA: (reading aloud) "please help Eleanor come home. Come home Eleanor."
Eleanor grabs it away.
ELEANOR: It doesn't say that!
Eleanor looks at it silently
LUKE: What does it say, then?
Eleanor holds it behind her back
ELEANOR: ...nothing...
agh, I can't believe audience laughs at that
THEODORA: Oh, grow up, Nell.
LUKE: Seriously, get over yourself.
JOHN: Go and die somewhere.
THEODORA: Yeah, really. What are we going to do today, doctor?
JOHN: Well, now that we've measured the length and width of the cold spot, I propose we get a ladder and determine its height also.
LUKE: But first, a round of brandy. Our first of the day, and unlikely to be the last.
audience laughs
THEODORA: But Luke, it's 10:15 in the morning.
LUKE: I wasn't late on purpose!
audience laughs
ELEANOR: Oh, there's something else written here!
THEODORA: Something else besides what?
ELEANOR: Besides nothing!
audience laughs, even though that's the same line as before
ELEANOR: It says to search the cellar for a well.
JOHN: Oh, not this again.
ELEANOR: It's true. At least as far as the words on it saying so are concerned.
JOHN: I will decide that! What?! "Signed, The Nun?" No! I refuse to believe it! What can account for this ridiculous note?
HILL HOUSE: Knock knock knock
JOHN: Hill Howooose! How am I supposed to conduct a serious investigation into your psychic phenomena when you're pulling these childish pranks all the time?
and I've had about enough of the audience
LUKE: Shriek!
THEODORA: What happened?
JOHN: Murder?
ELEANOR: Rape?
THEODORA: Another naked statue of Hugh Crain?
LUKE: Worse! We're out of brandy!
JOHN: How is that possible? We only opened the bottle two weeks ago!

In the dining room, Eleanor and Theodora have not yet left.
On the table is a nearly empty tray of cupcakes, and also there is a large bowl containing some amount of soup and a ladle

ELEANOR: Since we've been here for so long, and I have to share my clothing, isn't it about time we had our laundry done?
THEODORA: If you'd like to ask Mrs. Dudley where the washing machine is, be my guest.
MRS. FRINGLE DUDLEY enters from somewhere
THEODORA: Speak of the devil...'s wife
ELEANOR: I'll show you!
Eleanor rises and walks towards Mrs. Doodles, who continues walking
ELEANOR: Mrs Dudley, would it impose upon you to ask-
FRINGLE: I clear off at one.
Eleanor blocks Mrs. Dudley's path, who stops
ELEANOR: No, it's not about that.
FRINGLE: I leave before dark comes.
ELEANOR: That's why I'm asking now if-
FRINGLE: We couldn't even hear you in the night.
ELEANOR: -there is a washing machine here?
FRINGLE: I don't stay after I set out dinner.
ELEANOR: I assure you I can use it myself.
FRINGLE: I have breakfast ready for you at nine.
ELEANOR: Great. But do you have a washing machine?
FRINGLE: What I agreed to, it doesn't mean I wait on people
ELEANOR: I said I could use it myself!
FRINGLE: I set dinner on the dining room sideboard at six sharp
ELEANOR: I'm not asking about food! Do you have a washing machine?!
FRINGLE: You can serve yourselves.
ELEANOR: Once I find it! If it's here! Is it?
FRINGLE: I clear up in the morning.
ELEANOR: DO YOU HAVE A WASHING MACHINE?!
FRINGLE: No. Bugger off.
Eleanor is weakened. Mrs. Dudley resumes walking
FRINGLE: We live over in the town, six miles away. So there won't be anyone around if you-
Mrs. Dudley exits
FRINGLE: -need help. We couldn't even hear you, in the night.
THEODORA: Poor Nell. Nellie, Nell Nell.
ELEANOR: If you call me Nell one more time I'm going to stuff this cupcake in your ear!
THEODORA: No you're not.
ELEANOR: That's right. I'm actually going to bend this ladle and strangle you with it.
THEODORA: No you're- oooh, don't do that.
HILL HOUSE: Knock knock knock
ELEANOR: Come in!
HILL HOUSE: Knock.
ELEANOR: Oh, right.
HILL HOUSE: Knock knock knock?
ELEANOR: What? No, of course I still love you, even if you don't have a washing machine.
HILL HOUSE: Knock knock knock!
ELEANOR: What?!
The bowl jumps off the table and spills on Eleanor
ELEANOR: Oh, what a life! Oh, what a house!
THEODORA: Silly Nell.
Eleanor picks up and brandishes the ladle.
THEODORA: You stay away from me.
Theodora flees, Eleanor chases
ELEANOR: Come back! You'll love it!
THEODORA: I would love to meet my end?
ELEANOR: Journeys end in lovers meeting!
THEODORA: I hope you aren't endangering my life just to have an excuse to say that.

In the parlour room, The Doctor and Luke are playing chess. Theodora and Eleanor are beside each other, on the floor near the fireplace.

ELEANOR: Give me one good reason why I can't come live with you.
THEODORA: Well, earlier you tried to strangle me with a ladle.
ELEANOR: Oooh, I forgot about that.
THEODORA: You also have a dysfunctional memory.
ELEANOR: That's not true. I can tell you exactly where I was and what I was doing when the Hindenburg went down.
THEODORA: Oh, and that was?
ELEANOR: I was flying it!
THEODORA: Somehow I doubt that.
ELEANOR: I know, it doesn't make sense. They should never have trusted a ten-year old to control one of those things!
THEODORA: I hadn't even gotten around to doubting that part yet.
JOHN: Ah-ha, check, my boy.
LUKE: Yep, it's still empty.
ELEANOR: Just buy some more! In delay there lies no plenty!
JOHN: The game, dear Lucas, the game. My queen threatens your king!
LUKE: That's impossible. I took that queen three moves ago.
JOHN: Did you? How do I have it back then? Surely you would have seen me reach over and retrieve it!
LUKE: I _would_ have...unless...Hill House!
HILL HOUSE: Knock knock knock?
ALL: OH, HILL HOUSE!

This is harder to make progress in than even I had expected. However, I don't think additional scenes would be in any way enjoyable to read, so perhaps this premature end is for the best.