I like the Colbert Report because it uses a lot of jokes that sound like I wrote them. You might call that vanity, but I didn't hear you because I was too preoccupied thinking about how great I am. I call it proof that some of those things really are funny if I haven't been compulsively reordering and adding irrelevent justification to them for a month before showing them to anyone else (see: this).

When I first heard about the show coming, I was afraid. I thought it was going to be at best occasionally funny, but generally dull (in such a case that ALL the jokes sound like I wrote them) and I would feel bad about not watching it or, annoyed at watching it, and not liking it much, so as to not feel bad about not watching it. One time I saw Stephen Colbert as a guest on some other show and he was only just kind of funny. Much like the situation was when John Henson was given his own program, though this situation is better, I admit, because this was on Late Night With Conan O'Dwobo rather than Late Late Late Show Night with Craig "Mo Rocca didn't learn from my example" Kilborn.

Not being on TNmaN Channel seemed like another point in Colbert's favor, until I remembered that it was to be on Comedy Central instead, the channel that thought Let's Bowl and Mind of Mencia (and Kid Novocaine) were stupendous ideas.

And then he was in a few advertisements for "Mr. Goodwrench," whatever that is. I feared. They weren't obnoxious enough that they made me mad on repeated uninvited airings, due to lacking jokes, so they were just kind of weird, and I can watch Univision for that. Or force myself to sneeze until I see sparks.

By the way, as is to be expected, I've never viewed an edition of Mind of Mencia in its entirety, but I don't have to because I realize a majority of new TV shows are only made as part of a conspiracy to annoy me. I've only ever witnessed the last few moments before the show after it, and, as always, the many, many ads run by the network for Mencia related topics. It's been on intermittently for what, maybe six months now? Here are the only two things I know: I can't handle how controversial Carlos Mencia is, and DIH DEHDOY. Dih dehdoy being the stupid noise (it sounds exactly as you think it does) that I, based on all provided evidence, have deduced comprises his native language. Not only is it in the ads, it plays, at 2x volume, over the production company logo. There is a stand up comedy "special" which airs intermittently, called "Carlos Mencia: No Strings Attached," (an homage to his favorite 'N Sync album), for which the promotional announcing person says in his best 1930s-horse-race-caller-with-clothespin-over-nose voice, "and you know what that means! Get ready for the deh-deh-dehhh!" as if that's something to look forward to. And then there's a shot of Carlos saying it. Well now I've already seen it! Are you suggesting, great depression falsetto man, that it will be better if I watch the whole hour and truly spend time getting ready for that? Wouldn't having to make my own preparations constitute a metaphorical "string" being attached? The answer, and you've probably heard, in your life, a person dismiss an obvious statement by responding as such: "like duh!" That person has 50% of the comedy talent required to get a contract with Comedy Central (of which comedy is 50% of the name (the preceding was a 100% unnecessary statistic)).

Even the title is pretensious and delusional. Mind of Mencia with Carlos Mencia. Why not just "Mind of Mencia with Carlos?" Or "Mind of Mencia with Himself?" I guess that's not what really matters. No. Oh, oh, it's magic the MIND of Mencia! WHAT'S GOIN' ON IN HIS BRAIN? WHAT'S HE GONNA SAY NEXT?! At best, it might be something I wrote here three years ago. For free! And it wasn't funny then! At least when Stephen uses my jokes he picks the good ones. Not that I'm claiming "intellectual property" on pretending to be retarded (though I'm one of the most retarded intellectuals there is), I was probably referring to something else.

Not since Shirt-Tales have I hated a show so much just from the last thirty seconds of it. Nnnnih, I don't think I've hated a Daily Show lead in this much since the last one. My problem isn't that Mencia says outrageous things: My problem is that he doesn't ever in my presence but acts like he does all the time. He has such a whaddya gonna do about it? Deal with it, lady! attitude, which is more and more an aspect of society in general, yes, alas, but this is regarding things he never did. The show's been on less than a year, possibly less than a third of a year when this (I'm getting to it) happened, and I'm supposed to accept, as a sketch concept, that CM is so controversial, George Bush wants to kill him? George Bush doesn't know what the people on his own staff say about him! (partly because their job is to make sure George Bush doesn't find out what anyone says about him). I don't think, if he was going to start killing United States citizens, his first would be barely significant cable show hosts, on channels other than Fox News which he's never heard of, in person, before cameras filming the pertinent dissension.

On another occasion that I somehow ended up seeing three times despite the show only airing once a week, Carlos criticized a probably fictitious viewer letter critizing his criticism of retarded people (via that awful, awful noise) by saying he, himself, [Carlos] wasn't making fun of people who were retarded, but rather people who are retarded, such as whoever wrote the letter. If we pretended that made sense, and justified something, which it doesn't, it doesn't all over again, because he was making the noise before he got the letter, which was the sole example cited! How has that brought legitimacy to such lame non-jokes? It doesn't matter because Mento has an audience there that will applaud anything at all, to keep any actual humans from realizing how defunny he is. Carcar surrounds himself with people who only tell him exactly what he wants to hear! Not unlike... I was going to say George Bush, but that applies to every tv show host with a studio audience, I suppose. But this audience, I'm sure, is specifically selected for its willingness to say "oooohh!" when it hears something I'm supposed to find offensive. You know what the last time I heard a bunch of people say "oooohh!" was? In first grade, in the recess parking lot (i guess the private school tuition was paying for something else), someone once called out "Salvatore has a girlfriend! Salvatore has a girlfriend!" SCANDALOUS!

I don't need to say good things about the Colbert show as it has come to exist, now, because it had duplefying critical praise following its debut. But, ehhh, so did Last Call with Carson Daly when that started. Or at least the network told me it did. And that show is terribly dull.

But The Report does what it sets out to do much more frequently, and it also keeps me from watching Nightline (usually), and those are both good things.

The reason I ended up seeing Nightline on the Monday which is officially a week ago, was that I looked on the official Comedy Central website, endangering my health in doing so, to see if the show was new or wasn't. I have an awkward television setup, in which I, in effect, must schedule uses of it in advance, and I'd rather avoid the awkwardness if whatever's coming on is a repeat showing (which are never ones I've missed, despite the increasing number of those). And sometimes they'll display an old on Monday and a new one on Tuesday that I miss because I assume the whole week is repeating! How is that fair? You see what I have to deal with?