Even the "rotate and blend with background" title oozes quality. At least I think that's quality. I didn't expect it to smell so much like apple juice. Hey, is quality supposed to dissolve flesh like this?

In a manner decidely different from my Dungeons of the Unforgiven page, I think it would be best to let this game introduce itself:
BipBop II ...NEW from S&M Software! An incredible new VGA game from S&M Software, featuring: * 256-color graphics and art! * real time 3D rotation effects! * raytraced game pieces * hypnotically flowing backdrops! * DIGITIZED ANIMATION! BipBop II is the BEST arcade game in the whole entire UNIVERSE, or so says the programmer. VGA or MCGA and 512k required.

Where to start, where to start...
An incredible new VGA game from S&M Software
Truly, nothing says quality electronic entertainment quite like those two magical letters, S&M.
 This oh so incredible new VGA game is played by bouncing a red ball against blocks with numbers on them until all the blocks vanish, after which you progress to the next level to do it again with more blocks. Does that sound exciting? Maybe this will help. Imagine Arkanoid. Imagine Arkanoid on crack. Imagine Arkanoid on crack and ecstasy. Now imagine Arkanoid overdosed and died, and then a deservedly out of work D. Stuart Riffle reanimated its corpse and sent it to feed upon the flesh of the living. Now you get it.

You see, while most video game company names like Acclaim, Wisdom Tree and Electronic Arts have absolutely nothing to do with their products, S&M describes this perfectly. Since this is one of those games that runs at the fastest possible speed your system can manage, only a true masochist could possibly derive any pleasure from this sadistic festival of pain. Yes, there are freely available programs which can slow down your too-powerful-for-it's-own-good machine in the event that you mistakenly think you need to play one of these games. However, I am of the opinion that if my computer is taking thirty seconds to load the setup screen, so that I can select the slowest setting, and the game's still too fast, then indeed, it is too fast. For those who are interested, I found that I was able to lose all five "lives" in about six seconds at "normal" speed when I loaded it from a Windows DOS prompt.  Aren't you proud of me?
BipBop II is the BEST arcade game in the whole entire UNIVERSE, or so says the programmer.
Yes, when I want advice on which computer games I should play, that's always the first person I ask. With all the great features one would expect from a sequel to a game they didn't even know existed, who better to turn to for an unbiased opinion than the creative genius who implemented them?
No one, that's who.
Of course, this makes me wonder how many hitzzz moraff.com would get per month if all of the praise they heap upon themselves was followed by "or so says Moraff." Maybe you should, too.
What also should be noted is the use of the term "arcade game." Anyone who's played as much lousy shareware as I have realizes that "arcade" takes on an entirely different meaning when used anywhere but an actual arcade.
* real time 3D rotation effects! *
 As far as this one goes, even the documentation admits that it refers exclusively to the S&M Software logo, but what a logo it is! I, for one, have been known to make many a purchase based solely on the trademark symbol of whatever I'm buying, and it's that sort of consumer mentality which makes the United States the greatest country in the world! 
Yay! Hurray for us! We're number one! 
Save me.
* hypnotically flowing backdrops! *
Ah yes, the backgrounds. Those hypnotic, flowing backgrounds. The backgrounds are pretty much your standard fare early nineties svga syndrome inspired eyesores. What is svga syndrome, I ask? If you're not sure what I mean by that, try playing Beasley's Death Trap or looking at any web page made by me and see if you can't figure it out. Anyway, the backgrounds pretty much consist of Moraffish rainbow color cycling letters spelling out "BipBop" and "S&M," just in case you should forget what game you're playing or who's responsible. 




Another thing I've forgotten is this level. I don't remember it, because the GF made me forget. All I know is that I immediately lost the game while the screen capture command was being processed.

As you can see, there are bullets in this game. Contrary to what you might think, contrary to what you might hope, they are not to shoot yourself in an attempt to escape the terror, the horror that is this game. They are to shoot the ball, so that it bounces differently. We can only hope Vince McMahon never finds out about this, lest he should be inspired to start yet another ill-fated sports franchise based on the idea.

There are two significant things you'll notice about this game. The first is the BipCritter. However, for reasons beyond your comprehension, I shall be discussing that second. The other thing you'll notice about this game is its filename, "1bipbop2.zip," pretty much guaranteeing that it will be pushed to the top of most alphebetized lists. Hey, when you're the greatest game the universe, don't you deserve to be first?

Behold, the BipCritter, a veritable fountain of knowledge and insight second in its slightly less than infinite wisdom only to "Little Snake." Although there are no "ray-traced game pieces," this is what the introduction was referring to as being one. Yes indeed, the ugly red meatball which spouts off random nonsense is a feature. BipCritter was actually the head-writer on season 3 of All That. You will come to recognize the official BipBop II mascot as your evil arch-nemesis due the unrelentless verbal attacks it makes against you throughout your Bip Bop II experience... well, it only actually happens when you start a new game, but since you'll probably spend a majority of your session doing just that, my statement still holds true. For your convenience, I have now compiled for you some of my personal favorites among the... thing's many famous quotations.  I suppose there are other ones, but oh, the controversey!


I don't know if this refers to the fast food chain, Duchess, the author's dog, Duchess, or even Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York. If you know, please don't tell me. I want it to be a surprise.

One might be quick to blame BipBop II's influence on the game playing public for the increase in ebonic speaking white-children, but then one remembers that one constituted 20% overall of the BipBop II playing audience, so one has decided to drop the subject altogether.

Yeah, they walked into it. Or at least that's the story I gave the police.

Most ultimate? I hope that doesn't mean there's more of these things somewhere. Of course, now that I think about it, the BipCritter bears a disturbing resemblance to those McDonaldland™ Chicken McNuggets, and possibly Grimace following a quadruple amputation. I'm too scared to finish this.

Well, at least it's polite.

The very thought that something, anything might give birth, whether by natural or scientific means, to a... a... whatever it is, makes me doubt not only the existence of a god, but my own mother as well, and I've met my mother.

It's asking you, not me.

However, after conducting extensive research, I've discovered that a bipcritter per day keeps everyone away.
And another...

Thank you for reminding me of something I like less than this game.
And one to grow on

That sounds about right.

So, what more is there to say? Nothing really. In fact, there never really was anything to say. Fortunately, I'm good at nothing, hence, this page. I guarantee you, it takes more time to read this page than anyone could possibly spend enjoying this game. Even if you can't read. That's how bad it is.

Download it, if you think you can handle it.


Yes, let's go. Somewhere else.