Ohhh, snaw. This is not how I want to begin my day.

Wow, racism? What a hoot! Let’s hop on the holiday jolly day tour bus and go see this!

OH NO! BLACK PEOPLE!

OH NO! REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER!

I wasn’t previously aware of it, but apparently black people are CRAZY!

Although the official plot summary suggests the racism serves as reason for these gentlemen to be prohibited from joining a country (golf country) club… ehhh, look at the goofs. Is it at all possible that they were denied entrance not because they’re black, but because they’re obvious jackasses who have no intention of behaving reasonably? Nothing I’ve seen suggests otherwise.

As always, the possibility exists that this is not totally horrible and the advertisers merely latched upon the trashiest elements (and uh… the title) and chose to present those without any balancing context, but as always, I doubt it.

Look, this site even wants me to say what I think of the film based entirely on its promotional material, though it seems unaware that a lot of movies are “dvd only” because they cannot secure distribution and much refuse goes into theaters merely for being just crazy enough to work. Because apparently the A-Team runs all our movie studios now. Anyway, this movie has loads of CRAZY!

Ahoy there, be that a ten out of ten star rating from an untraceable internet user off the starboard keel? What’s not to trust? Not only is the movie good, why by golly gosh and begorrah and gamera and booska, it’s the best movie ever made!

Ohhh, but I hate to laugh! I kick kittens and steal lollypops from children and tickle my manservant when he’s giving me my spongebath! This travesty must be banned before it warms the hearts of an entire generation and inspires the residents of Neldotown to walk out on my gloom-mines and assault my misery fortress with gleebubbles allowing them to rescue the three hope-sprites I imprisoned in the Chamber of Mass Mopes! Sigh.

Oh, and this. I suppose if Happy Gilmore can find twue wuv on a golf course while acting the fool all the way, Rap Mogul C-Note can, if he’s a millionaire in character, too (regardless, apparently, of the official sloganline identifying him and his hangers-on collectively as “the street”). Yes, so, it would seem that Antwan “my parents couldn’t spell Antoine” Patton, alias Big “I can’t spell boy” Boi is a successful rapper portraying a successful rapper. To be fair, Hulk “Ed Leslie writes my name for me” Hogan tended to play professional wrestlers in his movies, and those are all remembered fondly by the people who paid to watch them.

Because it’s not enough to rip-off one hokey Adam Sandler movie*, the preview informs me that chief stuck up racist white man agrees to a loser-leaves-town [golf] match with principal pure heart fun loving black man despite every possible reason I can think of.

While it ought to be noted that Adam Sandler has released albums in the past, none of them were rap albums, thank porridge. I actually don’t hate Sandler, despite most sensible people thinking otherwise. Because of this, I won’t make a big deal of how that new fake gay marriage movie,

in which Chuck weds Larry for some reason I haven’t figured out yet sounds remarkably similar to “Kiss Me I’m Foreign,”

in which Rocko weds Filburt to evade deportation. I’m just glad it’s Chuck and Larry and not Chuck and Billy.

*Yeah, sure, Caddyshack, right. I just want to finish this.

Do you realize that this movie would never have been made if there wasn’t a phrase with no apparent meaning, popular among morons and containing a word that rhymed with a golf-related occupation a black person could be CRAZY while filling the role of? And even that’s not so likely. Most country clubs don’t even use caddies anymore because those silly carts are more efficient. I know that from reading the summary for a four year old book with the same title. Verily, not only is it a lamo pun, it’s been pun before.

Even if every single thing I said is wrong, all that leaves is a stupid golf movie, which I still wouldn’t watch. I don’t think I would watch a good golf movie at this point.

I don’t think I would watch those at any point.

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