How often do you think about doors? I'll bet you don't, unless it's locked and you have to do more than locate the knob to open it. How sad. I pity you. There's so much more to doors than that. Certain people, when asked about doors, think of that band they like to listen to when they're stoned outta their minds (please excuse my use of scientific terminology, sometimes there are no other words for such things.). A lot of people are stoned outta their minds, but no, I don't mean those doors. I mean the kind that you enter or exit through. Certainly, it's possible to enter or exit through an open/broken window, or conveniently placed and appropriately sized hole in the wall. In fact, those may even be the same thing. If you live in a cave, for example (a lot of people do, and they've always been living either there or underneath a rock for the past ten years), a hole in the wall may be your window. However, it does not necessarily follow that you can fit through it. Maybe you used to be able to, but you'd better not even try now, you bloated satchel of lard.

Back to doors. It would seem there is a great misconception that almost all people with knowledge of doors, sadfully, are led to believe. The misconception is that all doors open. No. You fool! Some doors are open already. These, like all other doors, can be closed, but it does not necessarily follow that you will be able to open them again. To explain, I once again turn to the cave that you live in. Unless you've had some cave carpentry done, you probably pass through a single opening when exiting and entering that may or may not also be your window. But it is an open door first. However, through an earthquake or perhaps just the planet shaking when you walk to you kitchen, you fat sod, rocks may be incited to fall and block your door. Now it is closed. You never opened that door, and still did it close. Maybe you can't move the rocks. So you're stuck in there. Good. It'll give you a chance to starve some weight off while the search party pretends they can't find you. At this point you might be thinking that your door has ceased to be a door. You are correct. You may also be thinking that it is no longer a door because you cannot open it. Not so. Any large piece of machinery feeling up to the task could reopen it. But it will be a wall that has been opened, not a door. The door was created.

Perhaps you deem my claims to be little more than semantic nonsense. Consider this: All doors must be opened, but that doesn't mean they can be opened. You see? No? You're right, I'm just being negative. I'm intentionally going out of my way to be difficult. Does that bother you? Ha ha ha, I bet you thought I was serious, too, about that door stuff. No, not those doors, you worthless hippie. Weren't you paying attention at all? Maybe if you'd go out and get a job, you could afford to live someplace other than a cave, ya dern commie.

But you know what bothers me... no, you don't. If you did, I wouldn't be about to tell you.


It makes me mad when people insist on holding doors open for other people. Oh, ecks-skee-yuse me. Is that irrelevant? It is not; remember this is about doors, not your weird problems. A common practice involving doors that see frequent use is that of door holding, in which one person opens a door and keeps it open for another person wishing to pass through. This makes sense if the door cannot be left open at length, for any number of reasons that I assure you are never in effect when I see doors being held. According to an anonymous poll of my alternate identities, legitimate reasons, such as to assist those who are are incapable or unauthorized to open doors themselves, account for less than 15% of actual door holding. More often, someone goes out of their way to stand in a door's space and force the next person, usually me, to stop and grab the door from them, because otherwise they just stand there, unable to be passed. If they think wasting their own time holding a door entitles them to waste my time, then that's just not very considerate. So I just stand there, too. “Hold the door as long as you want, robolerd. I have more time to waste than you do. We'll see who wins in the end.” Eventually, the great horizontal weight of the door gets the better of them. Obviously, the door must be very unweildly for them to think I can't handle it. Or maybe they're just evil. They want me to owe them something!

Oooh... meesa be so impressed yousa can open doors! Thanksyou lotsa! Whatsa can meesa doosa for yousa?

'Ey. I can do it myself, and I'd prefer to do it myself. This way I don't have to listen to any pompous arse sarcastically (by their reckoning) yell “you're welcome” once I've managed to sneak past them, in the case that I didn't feel like waiting. You might think that they only said that because I sarcastically thanked them first. No. I don't really say that. That's an internet bonus. Just for you. Now go away.