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Questionable artwork and pedantic miscellany with tentatively-named Beans Cunningham
May 20, 2016
What Is This Mysterious Quack in the Antarctic Ocean?

This thing can NOT dance.

I wish that it would stop.



May 16, 2016
I shall find SOME place for the bean patches anyway, OUTSIDE your mighty city

May 19: great gimpity did I kill him by posting this??! I should have given him a more proven weapon to defend with than the awkward gun-blade.

//////////////////////////


I could not let my inoperable art tablet keep me from honoring the legendary career of broadcaster Morley Seifer.

I suspect tumblr is not going to appreciate this as much as it did Squalo Renhart.

On my part this is surely either a cry for help or a statement of unwillingness to accept help. Ironically, this is one of the more coherent digital art works I have made recently. It is as if I cannot do well unless I am doing something that there is no need to do well.



May 11, 2016
we replaced the bottom of this boat with a screen door!


My drawing tablet machine seems to have taken grave injury from a chance encounter with cucumber relish, and consequently I am not able to proceed on this matter for the immediately visible future.

There are three parts to this. None are complete. They cannot be completed. I only need to establish a visual impression of all the relevant points, which is done on this part and the third part. The second part however is troublesome. It was made a long time ago and looks very cheap. My intent was to use it cheaply, but now that parts 1 and 3 look merely inexpensive, and 2 must be brought in line. Perhaps the relish incident was not chance after all! They are working against me. It wants me to fuss and lose my mind over it even though it is only about two minutes long and unfinishable. I shall see them harshly disciplined.

May 11 is Bimshwel, the website’s, birth-day. I do not make mention of mine, because I do not want to make trouble for anyone else on my behalf. However, the website deserves no such courtesy. And it is now at the age i was when I started mutating and hating myself. I will work to make its life frustrating and unfulfilling because I am a terrible, resentful parent. I resent its youth and optimism. I resent the possibilities in its future. Just as I resent part 2 of this animation. These two grew up together and I will bring them in line or destroy them before they realize they are, together, stronger than I am. Website! Get in your room! I want to hear those scales! PRACTICE YOUR SCALES, WEBSITE!



May 7, 2016
we used a blowtorch to burn gravy on to this oven door


As long as I am going to have no friends in social media I had better deserve it.

—————————-


Rotten Tomatoes went from a website for people to identify ROTTEN films to one for corporate entities to imply that average films are exceptional. Which is, essentially, the OPPOSITE of its intended purpose: to sort through the rubbish hype.
If I hear one more movie ad reference its Rotten Tomatoes score I am going to punch the tv, And that is going to hurt my hand, which will not be productive!
I NEVER heard that happen in the 170 years of Rotten Tomatoes’ existence, then this year suddenly I have heard it at least five times. And I do not expose myself to television deliberately. It is probably much more rampant than that.
“95% on rotten tomatoes” just means 95% of reviews didn’t say the film was TERRIBLE. There is more to great than a lack of worst.

I think I heard it first for Spot-Light, then Zutopia and I lost track after that despite the scores being so ludicrously high that the described items should be immediately unforgettable.
I actually saw Spoflight, and while it has an interesting story, it is not a stellar cinema experience. I didn’t even think Mad Max Fluffy Robe was stellar, and while it predated the rotten tomatoes fad, It was apparently the only action movie ever allowed to win awards. I appreciate that it got fight to the point and didn’t fixate on irrelevant non-participants for half its run-time like the Transformers movies did, but its action portions were just as cluttered, zoomed in, camera-changey and indecipherable. And I resent any adventure that turns around and goes back the way it came. I don’t even go back the way I came when I go for a walk. I have compromised my personal safety to not be bored in this miserable overpriced dead-end boat town. In a movie whose base premise is the absence of safety, you can Find a different route! Or else what were you running from?

The tomato system is not any more accurate and inarguable than the thumbs-up/down system that once was a ubiquitous citation in movie advertisements, but it SOUNDS like it is, since it has a specific number. Wow that is 95 out of 100 instead of 4 out of 5 or 2 out of 2! That is so statisticy!

Additionally, the thumbs at least belonged to certain people. I do not consider any film critic a general, unimpeachable authority on entertainment, but it is possible to personally trust the opinion of an individual human on individual matters. Those tomatoes could be anybody. And a percentile does not indicate the total number of people who voted, either. I suppose to get to 99, depending on how you round it, requires at least 34 participants, since I have never seen a decimal score. But still we don’t know that 33 of those 34 thought toozopia was GREAT. Maybe most of them did, we don’t know, but I don’t believe 99% of zootopia viewers thought it was better than 99% of every movie they have seen, which is what I am intended to think. That it is one minor scrap away from perfection, and I can tell from here that it isn’t. My guess is it is more j-j abrams brand minimum level of effectiveness that doesn’t offend anyone in its intended audience. I have so little faith in the current culture to create stellar films that advertising which implies it happens constantly, to near PERFECTION, is suspicious to me.


undoubtedly no effort was spared in creating a city essentially identical to a real one except with every human shape changed to a humanized animal shape with an accompanying stupid animal pun to refer to it, but that just does not appeal to me Especially not after Pixar, now a wholly-owned subsidiary of the disney company and indistinguishable from it, has already done this about fifteen times, with monsters, insects, automobiles, or whatever. I’m even tired of remarking on how unappealing I find it! I was going to keep it to myself, because honestly I don’t have time to make my thought coherent but my rotten tomato gripe flowed into it and I have no choice.

My biases did not develop independent of the world. they have validity, somewhere. i did not choose to cringe when stuck in a cinema showing a preview for this. Ha ha ha! They are at the D M V and they hate it! Just like YOU hate it! Right? Therefore you RELATE and you feel validated by this experience and demand nothing more from it!


I am open to the idea that there is more to the film than that, but it makes no effort to imply that there is, nor do any of the fans of it whom I have encountered, even two months on. I certainly do not accept that it is one point off from perfect. Of course by now its score is only 98 percent! ha HA! also, Hoodboy, from 2014, has 98%, and I actually saw that and had more problems with it than I hypothetically anticipate having with zootopia. The Wrestler, my personal quintessential critically acclaimed aimless misery –literally the first movie I cite when the topic comes up– also has a solid 98% on rotten tomatoes. I wouldn’t even give The Wrestler a rotten pineapple. Toy Story 3, which I found bearable but frustrating and objectionable has 99% points. The two before it both have 100 despite being built on the same “don’t acknowledge master” premise that I can’t get past.

Singing in the Rain, which I do like, better than most films I have seen, having been able to see it without considerable hype that I was aware of preceding the viewing, is on there with a 100% score as well. But I hate that “Moses Supposes” song and the 1-dimensional treatment of the nontagonist Lina Lamont, and Donald O’Connor yelling out “mammy” several times for no clear reason. The “Gotta Dance” segment is incongruous with the rest of the picture, and doesn’t even make sense in the movie-within-a-movie-context it is presented as belonging to.
SO I like the film better than most I have seen, certainly better than its contemporary iThe Band Wagon, in which EVERY musical number is annoying and/or incongruous, but 100% implies perfection, which it is a long way from.


To contrast, the film I have watched within the past few years that I perhaps enjoyed best, 1980’s Flash Gordon, has a tomato score of 82%, which is probably about right; I am sure it has just as much stuff wrong with it as Singing in the Rain, and 82% is a pretty good time, for me. I can’t really hope for more than that, knowing me. Maleficent, which I found totally loathsome, and had just as much paid promotion and dumb fan hype as Zuzutopia, possibly slightly less porn fan-art, has 47% tomato points. However its “audience score” of 71% is higher than Flash’s 69%. What does all this mean? It means nothing! That’s my point! None of these figures have any value behind them. If a movie that real people LOVE has a low score from purportedly more valid people, and a movie that only I like has a high score, and a movie that is not really any better has a yet higher score, then the scores are garbage.

The television ad for zootopia literally says “residents of zootopia are just like you.” as if there is literally nothing else going on than another hideous 3d animated allegory of society with a few superficial things changed. The announcer doesn’t even add a big EXCEPT like game over 13 years ago. Why then are these residents interesting? Their appearances are, apparently, superficial. How does this remain fun and new to people?

The other cinema poster, that I didn’t take a picture of, because I hated the idea of somebody seeing me take that picture and assuming I just thought it was clever, shows a restroom door with different sized inset doors for animal people of different sizes. I do not want to watch a movie about people “just like [me]” going to use the toilet. Meanwhile, despite forcing all these differently shaped species into one excretion chamber, the sexes are still segregated down a strictly this or that line. They choose their human fashions based on binary sex rather than a limitless multiplicity of species that ought to create more specific needs. Maybe that is even addressed in the film. Although “addressed” does not mean “resolved,” or even “addressed in a meaningful fashion.” And the promotion implies that it is a-bcdefghijklmn-ok anyhow. I received enough addressed-without-resolution gags in Deadpool, where they work because that movie doesn’t think it is telling me something about society. Also its smug scumbag main character gets plenty of abuse for being one, which I appreciate.
With that said, telling me the zootopia fox takes a bullet through the rectum isn’t going to change my plan.

Nor will telling me the rabbit is actually the main character. It would be most implausible to shoot them both that way with the same bullet.



April 30, 2016
to help make sense of this, imagine our universe is a chocolate factory


This Sunday once again, I will be selling art at the Connecticut Walk for Autism event. As in past years I am raising funds to provide autism to those in need.

There is my table from last year plus my relation Big Ian Sea. in case you thought I would be tasteless without also meaning it. Also, until further notice, that is his theme music. OBVIOUSLY that person is not me; he is using a Mac-book! I may have autism but I am no fool. Incidootily I caught it from eating some undercooked salmon. That is the real reason I never order fish.

And I tell you of this not because I am proud I am attending or because I expect you to attend: you could not possibly, on such short notice, from your location.
In fact Ian has his own event this evening at some place or another, and that is what I made that “music” for, but I am so frazzled by all the backed up nonsense in my life that I only got it sounding like THAT just now and it was worse earlier, and consequently I can only justify its abrupt existence by showing it to you, bimshwel. I cannot show it to anyone else until it is much better than that, which it will have to wait in line for.

Although increasingly I identify myself as bimshwel, which makes things confusing when I talk to you, bimshwel-the-website. I do not address myself by my name when I talk to myself; That makes me uncomfortable. And for a few years I have tried to dissuade myself from calling myself bimshwel due in part to the conflict with you, but I keep coming back to it. Maybe it is YOUR name that is wrong, bimshwel-the-websit.



April 23, 2016
bernie sanders heads for the vatican, trading the battleground for the holy ground


A strange series of structures I drew two years ago. I thought this lacked a central focus and wanted to wait until I thought of one to show it, but, assuming that is always feasible, it is not always necessary! I added the bird thing and the two figures near the lower edge, anyhow.

Between 2001 and 2006 I started a bunch of stories that I am still working through, but their settings all look so earthly or worse, domestic to me now. If I started another I would put it in a place like this. Although I fear I will attempt to relocate existing stories to this kind of place and make more trouble for myself than I require. Places without ground are more interesting to me. They are more fun to look at.

I think we can all agree.



April 16, 2016
it’s time for the good times, forget about the bad times



It has not been my experience that bouncing and unlimited pizza are a harmonious combination.

I am concerned that this event may have forged its Pizza Night credentials.

proudpizzabottleopener


This is what happens when our most prestigious stereotype pizza chefs cut corners on the pizza night approval process so they can go out and endorse bottle openers . This one has two functions, and I am fairly certain neither of those is being a pizza. I honestly don’t see why this man is so proud of himself. Hubris shall be his downfall. I wonder if he would even know a pizza if he saw one.


pizzafordesert

I can see I am going to enjoy pizza today as much as you enjoyed graphic design class. But with no competent chefs on the premises, I wonder where this came from.


I do not want to eat any baked good you found rummaging through springs. Especially the springs of bouncing material used by aficionados of unlimited pziza.


However, I am interested in the load of dirt advertised on the lower left. I plan to use it to cover and catch the sun now that it is weakened, and then I will carry it home in the cart.



April 10, 2016
Ted Cruz met voters at the Mars Cheese Castle


I suspect they err frequently.
I have recently been clarifying visual aspects of some old frustrating project I started and never finished, so I could finally put it on the internet and purge it from my mind, and as usual I turned it into a far more complex matter than it needed to be. I enjoy the results, overall (don’t tell these idiots that), but they somewhat overwhelm what I initially intended to show and may therefore prove a waste of time. But that would then be consistent with what I was attaching them to.



April 4, 2016
now one cop has one job: take on the mob


page 44 of re-text-sorted that

I feel bad erasing elpse’s face spots because they did work at first, but I quickly stopped drawing them, and over time the shape of elpse’s head changed and the spots did not fit as well. They were supposed to semi-circle from one point on the forehead bands to the other.

I used to want to also change kumquat’s computers all into space-wasting mainframe things, but I suppose here the whole room is supposed to be one. Generally I think modern tiny computers are less visually stylish, and show even less invention on my own part to include them. And this comic strip in general, especially this part, is very domestic and mundane. The one thing I am glad I did, even though it only is seen much later, is showing the money as little balls of fuzz instead of coins or shiny objects. But maybe little trinkets as currency is even mundane. Maybe currency is mundane. Maybe hands and faces, maybe all chordate features are mundane. Maybe words and emotions and time are mundane! Honestly, you need to lighten up.

But I ALSO don’t want to spend so very much time on stuff that I drew ten years ago. I would rather write new stories than alter old ones in superficial ways that take me forever for some reason. And that makes these write-ups less pleasant as well. What I can do, without making things harder, is remove thought baubles that do not accomplish anything. Sometimes it entertains me to have the characters say simple things in needlessly verbose ways, but sometimes it is just more words. Elpse initially thought “makes me mad” in the lower left frame. But elpse is obviously made mad! Many things cause this. It would be more noteworthy for elpse to thinkly proclaim “does not make me mad!” But elpse is becoming mad here, so no such negative negativity will be exhibited.

I also want to have elpse say “oh my squash” where once was said “oh my gourd,” since I imagined “oh my gourd” is too overused as a joke phrase, and squash additionally serves to hint at elpse’s affinity for pumpkins, but that appears to be an equally common joke phrase. Oh my scrod is less so. Of course scrod has no sway over elpse’s actions so this may be due for yet another alteration before I produce the printed edition. I will not keep you posted.



March 29, 2016
no ifs no buts benjamin is honest as coconuts


I recently provided the theoretical cover imagery to “Island of Misfit Grooves,” an album of electronic music. Theoretical, I say, because it is downloaded music which therefore does not require any sort of physical appearance. Nonetheless I constructed one!

All sales proceeds are to be donated to the A Well Fed World charity. Buy this and help somebody else get a sandwich! Or you could just donate directly if you would rather not inadvertently offer approval to such troublesome imps as I have depicted.

In fact I have not heard the album! I was given a complimentary download code but my internet is so crummy that the job has never finished. True enough I can listen to the tracks for free by streaming them off the website I linked to, but I cannot obsessive compulsively hoard streamed data! Where is the negative self-enabling in that?

And despite appearances, with the previous “art” focused updates, it would be disingenuous to say I am too busy to write “entertaining” things for here. In fact I am as busy as always, but I am not making writing frivolity a priority at the moment. My illustrated frivolity seems to get better results. Although this drawing actually took about two months. But I can post this in a whole bunch of places and print it out and hypothetically divide the amount of time spent without apparent result to receive a diminished waste total. I tend to presume nobody outside of this little space, possibly within it, could possibly comprehend what I think is so funny about “We’re an American Band.” Or necessarily that is a good mark of character on anybody who does.



Nobody I know has a website anymore

Mr. Sr. Mxy
Nowhere
Titash
pc72
Pickford
Gilhodes (bah you need a facebook account to see)
video game music database
pacific novelty
Green Lantern Head Trauma

them`s fightin` woids: May 23, 2016
charmlatan sez:
Any time away from this buffoon is important!
May 22, 2016
Frimpinheap sez:
I hope I did not imply i am doing important, life-changing things here! I am merely visiting.
May 21, 2016
charmlatan sez:
You make a good point, and metaphor.
May 21, 2016
charmlatan sez:
This way they won’t pester you on your big trip.
May 20, 2016
Frimpinheap sez:
I imagine it is like with vomiting. I was thinking about the matter roundabout when I made that...
May 20, 2016
charmlatan sez:
Guess was spot on. Read a few articles.
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