I went to a Denny's on Saturday. Not a recent Saturday, but it still happened. It was only the second time I'd ever been to one in my life, and the first time was only about a month ago. A month before the not recent Saturday, that is. Prior to that, I had always hated Denny's. I'd never lived near one until recently (recently relative to not recently), so the only way I knew they existed was by occasionally passing a sign in the distance while en route to some place not Denny's in Milford or beyond. If you don't know where Milford is, that's the town I was usually going to or beyond whenever I passed by the Denny's sign. Right. All I could think was “gosh, Denny is a stupid name.” It reminded me of Dennis the Menace, a cartoon that, even as a foolish, easily amused child (they tell me I'm not anymore) I could not stand. This poorly dressed dope with a stupid name (much of my hatred back then involved stupid names) plays mean tricks on a man with a mustache (I liked men with mustaches) and always gets away with it. Villains have always been more entertaining than the “heroes” who constantly thwart them (I referred to this as the “good guys” always “winning”), but Mr. Wilson never did anything to deserve the borscht he had to put up with. So that's how I came to despise Denny's.

I might have gotten over it, but Denny's decided to advertise itself. How dare it. For all I know, nobody went there because it reminded them all of Dennis the Menace. And what choice do you really have in life when your name rhymes with menace? Your only other options are to play tennis or move to Venice. Or have a movie made about you with Cher in it. So Denny's enlists the services of a different cartoon character that I didn't like, namely one Fred Flintstone. So Fred Flintstone takes his stone car on down to the stone Denny's and orders something much too small to tip his car over. Now, if there's anyone I don't trust to recommend good food, it's Fred Flintstone. Fred Flintstone, who has been known to inform people that “Winston tastes good, like a cigarette should,” loses quite enough culinary credibility from that statement, but has also been spotted frequenting an establishment called RockDonald's. Although he attempted to hide this by disguising himself as John Goodman, the neanderthal has been found out.

But maybe I judge too harshly. I know from my own personal experience that Burger King's wares tasted a lot better back in the (19)80s, before they hired Kid Vid and before they stopped frying animal's meat in the appropriate animal's fat. (I'm told vegetable oil is less unnutritious. Because that's why people eat fast food, the healthpful content. And indeed, no one has grown obese eating it since the change) So for all I know the Denny's of 65,000,000 BC created ambrosial delicacies by frying stuff in pure fecal matter. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure that's illegal now. I'd much sooner accept a George Jetson endorsement, because by that time period a Grand Slam Breakfast will likely consist of a glass of tasteless brown liquid accompanied by a glass of tasteless yellow Minute Maid orange juice. There's someone who will have some refined, sensitive tastes! Or none at all... that's just a risk we'll have to take. People trust cartoon characters to know great food because cartoon characters are real and have tried many things. They'll do stuff that would kill normal people. They might even eat food from Denny's. We ought to test cosmetic products on them.

I have now come to understand that despite no longer using excrement to prepare their food, Denny's offerings still taste better than those of Rock(now called Mc)Donald's, whom I suspect evades the “no bowels with food” law by using it as food. I have an opportunity right here to make an especially horrid pun (I need to indicate “especially” to distinguish this from regular puns, which are all horrid, just because they're puns) on the word “loophole,” but why bring myself down to that level when I can merely hint at it and make you bring yourself down to that level to figure out what it is instead?

After I had eaten and only been mildly dissatisfied, I noticed that on the paper used to protect the dish from my food (and I know they're probably supposed to wash the plate afterwards anyway) were various slogan type “SM” accompanied sayings, to praise the virtues of Denny's. Why I needed to see these after I had already obligated myself to give Denny money is just one more thing we ought to reinterpret Some Bible to explain. Anyway, one of them was “service with a smile.” I don't want a smile. I just want my food! I wasn't looking to see if I got one or not, because the last thing I want to see right before I eat is someone else's mouth. Does the smile cost extra? I bet it does. That's probably how they justify charging six dollars for one Belgian waffle, a price you can get four or five pancakes for. Unless those things are imported directly from Belgium, I'm not buying, and if they are, I'll have chocolate instead. I blame the guy who used to say “one ninety-nine, are you outta your mind?” for putting the company's interests before mine. Maybe they were out of their minds. Why'd you tell them? You're like the kid who reminds the teacher to give out homework in that school I always see on television.

If you disregard their "legendary" position among cartoons, and consider the Flintstones more as "old" and indicative of Denny's inability to capture big name, famous hot-topic licenses...


you're right.
Speaking of right, all right, I'm going to end the page now. The Flintstones haven't been effective marketing [stone] tools since 1967, when they did some promotional work for the Busch company. What? No, not the one that makes baked beans. I know you're disappointed.


Foul! Foul! This is not right. Everyone knows Barney isn't a Flintstone!

I couldn't find a better picture than this segment of a "Rockdonalds" shirt, but still, someone bought it, and if there's one, there's probably another, and someone may even have unwrapped and worn it. I did see someone with a "Bubba-Gump Shrimp" shirt once, and I'm glad to say it's someone I didn't like anyway. Even if it was a real business, what kind of dope wears a shrimpmeat company's shirt? You like their shrimp? Hey, Tyson is the largest frozen chickenmeat company, is real, and no one wears shirts from them. Certainly, it would be more interesting than a webs ite's or fashion regurgitator's logo, but it's still a logo.

The television programme “The Flintstones” is completely factual; “pre-historic” only refers to written history. The age-old legend has been passed down orally for thousands of years. And while it has often been noted that there are no black people on The Flintstones, and therefore no black people in prehistoric times, that's just as well, they wouldn't have been able to get into any Denny'ses, anyway.

Despite my personal feelings, I must give credit to anyone who can be such a menace without having any legs. Or eyes, for that matter.

I'm certainly in no position to be judging the advice of someone who doesn't exist, but in my experience the GOOD FOODS (from Denny's!) taste a lot better and the tooth-brushing is substantially more effective if you do them in the opposite order.