Jalapenos are overrated. Their taste is nothing especially special, and they're painful, too. They actually cause pain to those who eat them. What's the point? What do I think I'm proving by eating them? You only get to the point where you can stand them by suppressing natural taste reflex things, and once you've done that, where's the fun in eating? You might as well have Shredded Wheat for the rest of your life.
Surprisingly enough, it was not the delinquent green fruit-imposter which necessitated my trip to the latrineroom at the local Chili's (located approximately half-way between Abandoned Bradlee's and Holiday Inn Express), but simply the need to blow my nose. I have never been so thankful for my everpresent allergies (I suspect I am allergic to my sinuses), let me tell you.
I always make a point to survey the public restrooms for signs of bargainful business proposals, artistic aptitude, and of course literary inspiration. This time it came in the form of a bold political stance, written in all capital letters haphazardly across a toilet paper dispenser (assuming that there's another way to write on one). “NO WAR BUSH,” it cries out to all who can read. Indeed, if anything's going to stop an impending war of dubious goals, it'll be your syntax-devoid scrawl beside the toilet at the East Haven Chili's, won't it. It didn't. I suspect it was meant to be grammatically correct, and its scribe just wanted to get all the ideas written down before forming the epic essay which was no doubt to follow, just in case a sudden burst of inspiration from the non-thought-making end made itself known before the meat (I used that word on purpose, yes) of the article could be written, and taking focus away from the initial matter, possibly resulting in the forgetting of the main point which was to be made. “Let's see... 'no war,' good. Next item: 'Bush-' awww ban, I'm not feeling so good right now...” and that's all we know. Or possibly it was the celing-mounted speaker's decision to broadcast Semisonic's “Closing Time” which resulted in the abandonment of such a noble endeavor. “I'll cover my ears for now and try to escape at the first instrumental break,” thinks our author. It is unfortunate that this song was the one chosen out of the many in the vast three decade spanning Semisonic platinum vault.

Despite such an enriching discovery, I've decided that I really do not like Chili's, and will hopefully not be going again. First of all, there's the annoying advertising. I could hate just about any successful business for that, but keep in mind this is only a first of all. This stupid nerd identified as a "student" (why couldn't we get the teacher?) If I may paraphrase: Chillllli's, dape-dop spyyyyyce, Chillllli's, boo boo boo boo boo boo boo Chilli's. Wow, that place sounds great! If this isn't bad enough (although it is), it's only a matter of time before Toyota's contract (about this time last year there was, trust me) granting them exclusive rights to Smashmouth's “Allstar” runs out, leaving it free to move on to the next corporate sponsor. That song was written to sell stuff. I can't fathom how it does, but I've heard it in two or three advertising campaigns since I noticed that, so it must have some kind of power to which I am thankfully immune. Sure, there are other Smashmouth songs available, but I don't think any of them have been used more than once yet, so I expect Chili's would go with the proven method. Unless of course they wait for the release of Shrech 2 and attempt some kind of mutual Smashmouth related cross-promotion, but I fear Burger King may already have sealed the deal on that one. And this is a true fear.

Eating Chili's food is a pain. I've been there three times, and in a marked departure for myself ordered a different thing every time, and none of it was decent (it was all naked), and eating it is simply a chore. There's always several sections involved, only one of which tastes any good on its own, and I have to use that part to make the rest remotely edible, so I don't end up enjoying any of it. You want nachos? You can get nachos, but only a one-chip-high ring of them encircling a huge pile of sour cream presiding high atop a throne of shredded lettuce and chopped tomatos. The chopped tomatoes certainly would not be so bad were they not served in such close proximity to the sour cream. Sour cream is gross. Hey, I like chicken fingers enough, but to order them at any restaurant is essentially to give up, so I might as well go to Kentucky Fried Chicken where I don't need to worry about having half the plate filled with an equal or greater amount of you-still-have-to-pay-full-price-even-if-you-ask-not-to-have-them french fries. Free, unlimited (in theory) refills on soft drinks that I don't hate are always nice, but TGIF Ridays does that too, and their quesadillas are actually good. Even their toilet paper is nicer, despite its lack of sufficient mental acumen* to engage in political debate.
*There was an ironically named dos software developer called Acumen whose website I was going to link to just here, but I can't seem to find it now to do so, so just pretend I did

If I'd rather not wait at table for an hour to get allegedly Mexican food I'm only kind of going to like, there is Taco Bell. Their slogan is "think outside the bun." This is mocking the phrase "think outside the box," which means to say don't do something only because everyone else does, but it says that in a way more easily changed into something marketable. However I think if you're even using that exhausted phrase at all, let alone enough to suddenly think "hey, what if we change 'box' into 'bun,'" it only indicates your residency of a bigger box. Und so Taco bell, beyond the boring edible meat container, finds itself wrapped and heat-lamp sealed within another boring edible meat container. Taco Bell's slogan should be "think outside the conventionally accepted spelling of the word 'burrito,'" because that's pretty much all they have. I suppose that's their right, but it shouldn't be if they call themselves taco bell. I don't know, perhaps it's named for a place where eating tacos is illegal, and there's an actual taco bell which is ringed to signify that someone has just been executed for commiting the crime, but this ought to be explained every now and then. Otherwise, I have no choice but to be angry at burritos. Seriously, I've just tried several things from taco bell (the one I mentioned first), and they all tasted approximately the same. Whether corn or flour are in tortillas is of minimal significance. Could Crayola have made "cornflower" a single crayon if the two were really so different? I do not think so. Where the gork are the real taco shells? "Soft taco" is a lie. It's just another burrito, except now they put lettuce in it. Yum yum leaves. Chalupa? It's not just the name I gave Amarant in ffix anymore.

Maybe you don't like it, but you have to admit it's more creative than the "Faggot" I suspect a good percentage of players chose on their second play-through, even if this was the sole reason they even had a second play-through.
"Chewy crispy," I believe The Bell described it as. All I know is if I end up having to eat it with a fork, that's even worse than it being a burrito. And... and, what's the deal with that font they use? I'm afraid that when I see a backwards three, the first country that comes to my mind is Russia. Taco Bell should change their slogan to "we fail it," because they do, and I'm sure the internet geek communities who think "fail it" is a clever and referency thing to say are just the sort of underachievers who'd appreciate that one of a kind warm, wet texture that only comes from a microwave oven.

A quick reconnoissance of the corners reveals that even Taco Bell isn't exactly sure what is wrapped within this wrapping, only that it is a burrito of some variety. What shock. Although I ended up getting about five orders because apparently those not mine had all been messed up in such a way that only I was believed capable of eating them (I'll take that as a compliment), I was still surprised at how many Border Sauce™ packets they gave me. It's not bad sauce, for Taco Bell, anyway. I have problems (as you know), so if I don't use or entrust into someone else's property every single condimentling, I feel guilt. I imagine this is similar to the guilt overweight people feel after using every single condimentling. I couldn't unload all of it at the moment, so I kept the remainder around until my next encounter with food I shouldn't be eating. By a miracle slightly less trivial and blasphemous to refer to as such than the movie Miracle about a hockey team, Wendy's gave unto me a quantity of barbecue sauce thingers which would be exhausted before the nuggets they came with, so my debt was not to become more dire. In fact, I took this opportunity to use more of my Border Sauce,™ but I wasn't free yet. They did give me a lot of it.

Here I am trying it on yet another Mexican place's food. I can't remember what it was called, so until I do I shall refer to it as Grubby McDougal's, because that makes my expectation of good Mexican food from it seem almost comical. Aw, ban, I shouldn't have turned on the light to take this picture. Now I can see all the sour cream residue on things. Unfortunately, Grubby McDougal decided that what I really needed were miniature-but-still-larger-than-I'd-like buckets of guacamole and sour cream. After observing me on previous outings, Grubby McDougal knew about my problem, and by presenting the substances in this way I am made to feel like it's my fault.

I didn't want to, but I had to use them. Ih, not only do they taste gross and feel gross, in my mouth or otherwhere, they look gross prior to any of that. At least the Taco Bell stuff had tomato-like ingredients. You might hear people complain that Taco Bell food isn't authentic, and I'm glad it isn't. There's a reason every Chinese restaurant has General Cow's Chicken on its menu. People order it, people like it, people order it again. I hate going to an authentic mexican place and finding out that a delicious blend of cheeses is actually supposed to be beans, and peppers/onions should be turnips, and salsa should be grits. This would be one of those places that doesn't put pictures on its menu because it can only sell things by tricking people into ordering what no one should ever want and then you go in the restroom and instead of a toilet they have a vat of ice or something reduckulous like that. And they never have straws for drinks, either. Huh? No napkins? Back in the old country we use the tablecloth? Speaking of back in the old country, why don't you be. If you have a problem with my manners, take it up with my kindelgarten teacher or have your gang maul me later, but for now I'd appreciate some hospitaliano.

Yes, I'll have "the usual." No, no extra broccoli this time.