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07-30-2004
<p> <p> <p> <p> <p> <p> <p> On a distantly related subject, I felt sort of bad being so mean to the television show Game Over (unless I find out it wasn't cancelled like I think it was). As I admitted, it was a mildly unique premise. Additionally, it had the voice of Rachel Dratch, someone whose voice I often find amusing, although in this instance it was not to be as a crazy old man or nineteenth century British urchin, so I suppose that's not even really a noteworthy point unless I stand to inherit the grand Dratch estate.  This, however, I'd feel no regret in disparaging. The program's name is Father of the Pride, a wholly meaningless pun on Father of the Bride, the movie in which The Bride, whose Father is Steve Martin, can't decide how old she is, and then at some point she wears a giant skintight banana and many haemophiliac Asians get stabbed (I haven't seen it). Luckily, as of this time NBC will only supply two small pictures of these horrid things, because unlike the wicked railroad moguls that own UPN, the dishonorably decomissioned General Electric doesn't always have enough money under its mattress to get websites finished on time, but as you see, unless i forgot to upload things again, not only are these characters, once more, my typical, average, despicable family with a wacky, nutty, twist (this being that they're mutant albino weasels), but these ones live in Las Vegas (the nut of the nuttiness, by the way, is coconut). I'm sick of Las Vegas. I hated it anyway, but this year almost every show "went" there. Carson Daly Last Call Show went to Las Vegas, Jay Leno Tonight Show Show went to Las Vegas, Fear Factor and Last Comic Standing were In Vegas (all the popular kids don't say "Las")... just about the only NBC show that didn't go there is actually called Las Vegas and for all I know filmed there anyway. Also there's the Wuhld Poker Samurai Chowdown in Las Vegas, watched by one or both parents of mine, fresh from the Trading Spaces phase, where people go into a dark room to play a dumb card game not entirely unlike the one I mentioned not very long ago. You watch them look at their cards and occasionally drop some on the table. Wheh-hew! They all look to be approximately as bored as I am. This could potentially create an effect of deep tension and suspense, but for no known reason some invisible guy who sounds like he has a mustache will_not_shut_up about how they all desperately want to win "thish pot." Yesh, of course they do. Hey, don't act like it's their problem, you're the one who locked all those hopeless addicts in a room and made them fight over your pot.  If you can afford all those television cameras, you can surely get your [likely hair covered] hands on enough pot to share with all of your poking loser friends. You're in Las Vegas, after all. Maybe next year the International Parcheesi Championship can bore twice as well playing for 2 buckets of fried chicken and crack cocaine, respectively. Ehhh. Oh, and CBS has Dr. Vegas, but I'm willing to pretend I think that's actually someone's name just to get back to being mad at this one show that I set out to be mad at.
Anyway. In your future I see lots of sounds to click on. One long one and then a few fragments. Understand that these are only here in the event you doubt the legitimacy of the things I refer to all quotelike and you additionally don't believe the voices speaking in the sound files are mine. Beyond that they aren't worth saving, although you'll notice that they aren't in that crobdan Realplayer format, so you very well could if you wanted to. Here, by the way, is the official transcript of a Real Networks board meeting from a few years ago. Kenneth Walt Eisner: Is it unethical to force someone to download a media clip every time they want to see or hear it, even if it's already in their browser cache while at the same time harassing them with an invincible coalition of third and first party ads and polluting their system registries with a thing that loads our poorly made and hard to use player at startup even though no one actually accesses clips from that? Howard Gates Zucker: Yes, very much so. Adolf Cheney Katzenberg : Good. Make every major website comply with this. The first time I saw evidence of this FOTB (pronounced fottib) my facial mechanisms were stuck in a cringe for about thirty seconds afterwards. Quite truly they were. This is not the effect of some irrational and unfair vendetta against all cartoons (which I have, but I wouldn't describe these things as cartoon); it is pure horror. I witnessed some scene of bipedal jungle manpals talking about how they hate their wives. Have we made no progress since the first paragraph? Even if you're made of voxels or polly-o's or whatever the gelt those things are called, there's no excuse for pledging your life to someone you hate, so don't be whining to me. But I've seen worse since then. I was worried at first that I'd need to hate it on the basis of personal irks (and horror), but I've just been informed this ain't [my] kids' cartoon. Here, this is the long one. I don't have any children, and this is the perfect reason never to. I cannot allow them to have this cartoon, for it is an adult cartoon. Why would that guy say so if it wasn't true? Look, Jeffrey, as someone who's turned down cartoons for not being adult enough, I think I know one when I see one. Even if I didn't, I have the announcer to tell me. I've been around a long time; more than eighteen years. The time has come to watch gopher girls go wild. We don't have a choice in the matter. tv14 rated animal orgy is in our future, whether we like it or don't, especially if don't. Maybe I'm not normal, but I find nothing problematic or undeniably creepy about lewd jokery being perpetrated by creatures with no locatable tools of lewd doery. I guess they press a button or something. But you know what would be even better, if it was on Cinemax and they explicitly and unceasingly raped each other and it would be like VCL the movie. By the way, I'm legally retarded since someone threw a brick at me a number of sentences ago (a number which I now lack the capability to count, thank you so much). Obviously, someone who'd done research on me sought to combine my hate for The Lion King, the word "pride" in general, computer animation and irritatingly self confident attempted comederie, because it's a well documented (here) fact that what I don't like draws lots of dollars. Entertainment Weekly even says it's witty! And not in a sentence, either. Hey, if I want witty I'll go to the Alfred Eli Whitney Museum and misspell its name. I do not think I will ever do that.
All right, so that sounds to me like reasonably trashy television, but I typically overreact to advertising, right? It's just brief moments highlighted in the adlings, and not the entire show that's a cheap and desperate attempt at artificial controversey, right? If you convinced yourself you wanted to hear that you may have noticed that for background music is "Jungle Boogie," a pseudo song which I have never heard in its entirety or in association with anything I wasn't destined to despise. Hey, consistency. Yea, so the rumored premise (as in: rumored to exist) is that the whole brothel of them are [party] animals that work in Siegfried and Roy's show. Yes, that Siegfried and Roy.
 I know the producer, Jonathan Groff used to be the head writer (he lacks limbs) at Late Night with Conan O'Brien (I believe this career change may constitute treason), where he was surely responsible for many jokes at S and R's expense, but I don't think I could handle an entire show built upon the concept that they're kind of weird and probably gay at each other. At least not a computer animated one. I want to judge this product on its merit, I really do (especially since the artwork is so ugly) but there's no escaping the "THE MAKERS OF SHRECK!" blamed in all promotions for it. Those makers even bring out the logo, just because they hate me that much. I think the best Game Over could have managed was "from the makers of M&M ads!" but I really can't tell the difference just from looking, and that's all I can do, and I don't like it. Even if I didn't know they made ANTZ as well I wouldn't like it. If it wasn't enough to continually bring up the S word (no, the one after Siegfried), its makers also want me to know there will be special guests like Eddie Murphy! As if he's the Barbara Walters to this show's The View and will be by there all the time. Quack, even if he is, it's just a voice. Big wheel. How hard is it to sound like Eddie Murphy? I could probably sound like Eddie Murphy if I wanted to. I don't. Danny DeVito I'm not even going to acknowledge. He'll probably be credited "as himself," because I no longer believe he's a real person.
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