I'm serious, read these things sometime.  Some of them are kind of good.  Not this one, though.  But watch out.
The Please Be Offended Rabbit is like the The Secret Diary of Desmond Puhfeiffer of loserwear. Although I think these are stickers, and not clothing pieces, because it wasn't enough to display your lack of creativity on the front of yourself. You must deface, perhaps permanently, inanimate, innocent, unknowing objects with it. They may not even be your objects. I recall when we finally got rid of it, in my mother's old car the back left window still showed age-old ghostly white sticker shapes of original appearance long since forgotten. Just think of how it would annoy someone if they found out it wasn't their own stupid kids doing that.

I also saw this... this thing on a poster at Wal-Mart, along with such legends as DRAGON SPECIES and DEAD CAT SPIRIT. What the hey is the left one pointing at? Guess what, rabbit. In addition (or subtraction, really) to legs and a neck, you were drawn without genitalia. There is nothing there to bite. Usually I'd ignore it, but you brought it up. Bring it down! You might as well say "bite e" because that's the first thing in the immediate direction. At least the similarly vague twit with the stupid bow-tie was polite.

Nugh, I really don't have the stamina to deal with you today.

That's all fine and well, but what am I supposed to do with all these Clue murder weapons?

There's a word for what happens when you've had gnomes in your kitchen all day, and it isn't magic.

By the woods of the east and the prairies of west, may all that ye cook bring forth food borne illness!
The great forest spirit Marma McDuke, only laughs when humans puke!
By the frog lord Negrubold and the flowers of spring, salmonella poisoning!
A sack of pine needles, a pixie dust sprinkle, your sink is where we like to tinkle!
An Andean condor, a penguin, a puffin, we took turns crapping in your oven!
A fezzlefig brandy, a griskagut stew, does this butter taste funny to you?

Wretched little things.

Is this what it's come to? We're selling clothes people died in now? I'm more likely to buy the little disco balls. I may buy them anyway. It's not hard to imagine body parts protuding from the ends and a muddy forest riverbank in the place of the odd purplish materials. Or, if for you that is too hard, a chalk outline will suffice. There may be $29,50 in one of the pockets if the murderer became anxious at all and forgot to remove the wallet.

Aside from that, I suppose this place wasn't too awful (that's how I give compliments) though the mannequins were kind of disturbing.

Another one. If they won't reconsider the idea of having the things altogether, I would at least advise the keepers of this business to dress these objects in clothing actually available for purchase. What I would not do is advise the store to start selling what this one is wearing.

There! I swear it moved! I almost feel like they're watching me.

Special appearance by Kid Cuisine founder BJ aka Amazing PENGUIN. The word "sensational," as in "Sensational Flavor Selections" is only used because Natsume owns the copyright on "amazing" in the context of a flightless, arctic, biolically innacurate bird. Sort of like when Hulk Hogan became Hollywood Hogan. It is not surprising, then, that this penguin is as amazing (beyond its having teeth) as Hogan was ever associated with Hollywood.

I must say, Grandpa and his immediate offspring have astounding virility.

I dont understand why every movie isnt a christmas movie. Clearly, even the very worst of them get full frontal store displays, so there's more money here to be made here if there are duplicate spots. Khristmas with the Cranks is in there seven times under three different letters*. Even Christmas Story, which a few non-idiots (but mostly idiots) like is only in there half as often. If you were to make a movie about the worst Christmas I ever had, it would probably be the one in which all the stupid adults I'd never met before at some miserable family gatherment kept telling me what a great movie Christmas Story is and then I saw it and wanted the whole world to fall off itself.

*Though, to be fair, the letters themselves aren't in the right order, despite the alphabet being one of the easier things to alphabetize, so perhaps I should reprioritize my criticisms in a way the title starters cannot be.

And more of them. Note the startling contrast between the title of the shelf and the titles / content of the movies held by it. This is not a war on Christmas –these are all Christmas movies– but there's definitely a dust-up with denial going on here.

That, in the lower right corner, appears to be a Christmas movie featuring not only godless robots, but bootleg animation company robots intended to cash in on the movie Robots. That's three levels of shouldn't have happened. Somebody at the quality control department was asleep on the job Wednesday. Then calling in sick Thursday. Then discovered dead in a bathtub on Friday.

"A Heart-Warming Tale for Christian Families" ...who don't believe the world will end via rapture within the next 11 years or that robots are a Japanese plot which destroyed America by taking all the jobs* However, I always acknowledge achievements in weird diction, such as needless hyphenation, so I let Wobots live for that. They deserve to be given a break, since they don't have souls and won't be going to heaven anyway. And more so, since this, as far as I can figure out, is the only Wobots story. Imagine if the Star Wars saga had begun with its infamous "holiday special." It would have stopped right there and we'd be out six-trillion lame parodies, video game recreations of Hoth battles and humanoid foxes dressed in bathrobes and jiu jitsu garb.

*keep in mind that this trip occurred in December 2005, before, judging by government action, any Mexicans had illegally entered the United States.

Also on the shelf, directly above, in the factual, is "Disney Princess Christmas Enchantment." I'll dispense with the obvious "gosh that's awful, let me count the ways" bit and point out that it stars suspected Buddhist Badroulbadour Jasmine, and daughter to a god but not sister to Jesus, Little Mermaid. Apparently, that's not obvious. Also, Sleeping Beauty, who isn't asleep and is known to have benefited from witchcraft. All of them can travel through time. This movie's title starts with Y.

All music albums should be Christmas themed too. The songs aren't getting any better, but the people who buy the albums aren't getting any smarter, either. And this was almost a year before I found "Blue Collar Christmas." So yes, I'll definitely have to talk about that in about a year.

I do not go out often, yet by December 18 I've not only heard the full run of the songs more than once, I've even heard a few, I would think obscure versions twice. Why is there a Beach Boys Christmas song? It's like someone thought "you know, these guys just aren't sappy and loser-friendly enough. Their songs about surfing, California and surfing are too deep and complicated." Why am I hearing this in 2005? Some things are timeless. Beach Boys Christmas is not.

Not long ago... ehhh I guess somewhat long ago by the time I show you this, Jay Leno had "bizarre Christmas musicians" as a guest (there were three, but they had one segment), because I guess Brian Dunkleman cancelled. Naturally, they were horrible. My point in admitting that I still end up seeing parts of that show so long after swearing it off is that all Christmas musicians are bizarre if they think those songs are good.
I know a lot of people have sentimental or nostalgic attachments to some of those. Since I don't, I'm in much better position to judge them. And beside that, you can't convince me this trick applies to new redoings of the same refuse. I'll give you your Tony Bennett (try not to lose him again, he's old) and your Bing Crosby (even if I consider that Noah and The Lord routine his finest work) but Chris Isaac?! The guy who wrote the Craig Kilborn theme song? He can't be more than fifty years old. He has a new Christmas album. Brian "The Wandering Gambler" Setzer not only has a new Christmas album, he also has an old Christmas album, with, from what I can gather of his recent musical guest appearances, the exact same minimal effort Happy Days variations on songs I already hated.

I was reminded of the old album, because the Foot Locker channel, which inexplicably exists, was showing what someone thought passed for a music video of Setzo's piece of shingle version of jingle bells, which gets neither capitalization nor italics from me. It was comprised of scenes of gorks pretending to play instruments and clips from the film Jingle all the Way. It is my opinion that Tom Arnold should not be visible in a shoe merchandising environment unless Tom Arnold is buying or selling shoes.
And sometimes not even then.

You can know it is the Foot Locker channel, because of that oversized bug in the corner nearer to one corner than the others. The reason it needs a bug at all within a Foot Locker store, the only place it would ever be viewed, or even anywhere else at all ever, does not exist. Someone just thought "real TV channels do this, so we have to also. Every person hates it and it helps no one, but we'd rather blindly follow trends with no point than think about what they mean. We sell brand name sneakers, after all." The fact that it's showing Christmas themed musical mistakes with no connection whatsoever to that logo need not make a difference. Think of it like if Zorro wore a striped shirt, had no legs, couldn't move, and lived near the corner of a TV screen.

Gosh oh golly wolly gee, I sure do hate Christmas songs, me.
I really can't stay... BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE. I don't know if it's considered a Christmas song, but it definitely had itself played selling stuff during December. Hey! The temperature of the air does not eliminate all obligations! Oh, dear. I have a doctor appointment. I need to take an injection so I don't get rabies. BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE. Oh, you're right! I guess I have to get rabies, then! And please, do keep calling me "baby." That's not even an emergency. Perhaps BABY, THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN'S OUT DAYAH would suffice; give me something I can use an excuse. Oh, I didn't come in to work for three months because some guy told me it was cold outside. Try to understand. Later, when the pleas to get away from him have still not ceased, he asks what's the sense of hurting my pride? Hey, person, maybe you should stop being proud of stupid things. What's the sense of considering it a great accomplishment to stop people from doing what needs to be done on account of the low fahrenheit score? For the sake of my hope for humanity I have to assume a celsius using country wouldn't let such a stupid song get made.

Another stupid song:
Here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane.
I don't know if this means Santa Claus is really vain or the local transit authority is just really uncreative.
Bells are ringing, children singing, about his aryan pride.
What's that supposed to mean? I know a lot of Christmas traditions are German in origin, but I thought they predated World War II.
Hey, cut me some slack, man. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
Is it really? Where was this guy three weeks ago in November?

I do, in fact, recall the most famous reindeer of all. It would be a more sensible question to ask if I remember the less famous reindeer, but still a dumb question. Considering that they do not exist and were only named to fit the rhythm of a poem and sort of rhyme when said together in a certain order, yes, fairly dumb. The fact that one whose only distinguishing factor is an oddly colored nose trumps them all suggests not fame, but less unfame. Something bright enough to see through fog would surely blind any creature in constant immediate view of it, jeopardizing its leading skills. And is there such thing as world wide fog? Can it even happen in places with freezing level temperatures? I'll have to take a science class and get back to you.

If my knowledge is correct, "fog" forms when warm air moves to a place less warm, and the increasing humidity condenses water vapour in the air to actual drops of water. This would have happened long before any place polar, I think. I've certainly never seen fog and ice at the same time. I know there is an "ice fog" that exists in certain places, but that is, I think, a result of humans using, in cold places, lots of machinery which emits warm air. I know Santa makes a lot of toys (it's true, I read that once), but the fog, were there any, would probably be relegated to the area about the converted munitions factory he uses. It would definitely stay low enough to the ground that flying things, such as magic reindeer, would not be much bothered by it.

But ehhh, some guy who can get to, from, in and out of houses without being seen or heard and knows which ones have mildly affluent Christian children held within them is afraid of bumping into something in the air? Were those first two things his miracles, and he didn't realize he wasn't entitled a third? I know that to be called "saint" by the Catholic squad one needs to perform two miracles (the two minimum is so the people who acted in that hockey movie don't automatically become saints) and have the miracles "verified," and yet if you ask The Pope (go ahead, do it) he will not only deny the miracles, but the very existence of Santa Claus. Don't say "oh the story of Santa Claus is based on the story of Saint Nicholas." Ehh ehh! The names are used interchangably! All the time!
Maybe Nicholas is a saint in the same way that Daryl Dragon is a captain, Harland Sanders is a colonel and that Harland Williams is a comedian. He should not be allowed to get away with that. Harland Williams, I mean.

In the state of Connecticut, there is a law which demands that those wishing to speak to their telephones while operating vehicles only do so through the use of a "hands-free" head attachment.

This is why.

I don't think I've ever searched for wolves on my own time in private. I found this at a Circuit City during a regular business hour, and it had happened recently enough that the page had not been reset to the circuit city homepage, the site which lets you know just what they don't have in stock that they should.
It's not like you can save a picture of a wolf to the hard drive or even an attachable USB disk and use it for something from this display unit. If you e-mail the picture to yourself, you might as well use the image searcher when you go to check your e-mail. And... are you looking for a specific wolf? Usually, if I can get twelve pages of results, something adequate will appear within the first three, and if I don't get something by the tenth, I'll probably try a different method or input word(s), but I doubt I'd even go past four if people were constantly walking behind me.

You know, I can't even bindo through the same aisle twice in an establishment of this sort without a hired goon finding me and asking me what my problem is. If one had said "so, you like wolves, huh?" much like the creep in a movie I saw five seconds of years ago walked up to a woman beside a radio or jukebox like object and said "so, you like Johnny Cougar, huh?," my rage would have been cancelled out by embarrassment and I definitely would have panicked and closed the window. I really wonder what happened here.

Spyware Killer, from the makers of Spyware Zapper, Spyware Slanderer, Spyware Assassin and the original all time classic, Spyware. Prove it isn't.

It's a lucrative business.

Also, DROP! 2. AKA Columns 1988. Maybe there are slight differences, and maybe there are no differences.

To my knowledge, the earliest of these was "Roller Coaster Tycoon," and I thought that was strange, though compared to its spin/rip offs, seems perfectly reasonable. "Tycoon" is not a word I hear a whole lot. Certainly not in the context of zoos, malls or uh prisons? It only made sense as a video game one time, circa 1990, in the company of railroads, because "tycoon" was a common word at the time when there were railroad tycoons. And no one who played that game plays these games. This use of tycoon is a bit like calling block-dropping games "Hatris clones." Or worse, "My Cup clones."

I once came across a live-journal "community" called "zootycoons," for fans of one of these games. However, I only clicked on it in search of bizarre racist ramblings targeted at or written by "zooty coons." That seemed to me, as someone who'd never heard of either, a more logical and reasonable space placement than "zoo tycoons." Because, as I said (pay attention!) "tycoon" is a word no one uses anymore, let alone by those of the intellectual capacity which leads one to desire

a game whose tagline is "rule your school!" and whose cover features the cast of every TV show I hated besides The Smurfs in the 1980s. Not only is it an obscure word, it's inappropriate as well. "Tycoon" refers to a person who manipulates a field of business for the maximum monetary gain, and those are obviously punks at a public school, which aren't operated for profit. Skrimps, a lot of them aren't even adequately funded. How can you expect to get away with installing gold toilets when all the science textbooks were printed before gold was added to the periodic table? Straying further from correct usage of the word, most, if not all, of these seem to focus on low-level participants. If there could be one at all, a school tycoon would be whoever owns the buildings and the property, rather than... I don't even want to know. I went to school once, and the more extra-curricular ventures another student was involved with, the gladder I was to not be that person. What could the payoff of something like this be? You graduate and have all that meaningless grosh you spent the past years doing still matter somehow? You become the star fuball player/ cheerleader and finish without becoming a rapist/rapee?

I imagine something called Tycoon Tycoon, in which you micromanage the miserable life of someone who seeks to master all computer games with "tycoon" in their titles. There is a cheat code which lets you tell the character to look for cheat codes on the internet.

I don't think it's my fault that predefined combinations on food menus always include at least one thing I hate that I need to demand to not have (but usually be charged for anyway), but I guess that makes me a bad customer just the same, as evidenced by this one attendant attempting to hide when I approached. I'd go to Roy Rogers' where they have what I want, but those all closed in fear.

I typically don't know or understand when I do know what other people do with their lives, so maybe I judge unfairly, but what sort of creepy Berenstain Bear family uses a restroom together? I don't even like to share one with people I know I'll never see again. This... this... ohhh...

If you're asking people about to use the toilet if they're going to Heaven, you probably aren't. Especially if you encourage them to read about it more while they're using said toilet.

don't bother reading that
When we're playing video games, that's when we're vulnerable.

If I try and think about anything but pushing the last thing I shouldn't have eaten through a space one eighth its diameter while I am in the process of doing so, my thoughts are more in the realm of what hell, if it exists, is like.

I blame the Wobots for this.