I don't see many movies. A big problem is that with the politically correct movements of the previous decade is that any remotely interesting man-hero in an action type environment will be forced to tolerate a "love interest" who constantly gets in his way. This is different than years past, because the man can't tell the woman-- excuse me, girl to pess arf or keep quiet because the second this happens, the female character becomes the incarnation of irony and does something really unimpressive but that's intended to make her seem every bit the man's equal and so indispensable to the mission's success.
'Ey. I have no problem with women heroes. However, if the only way to have one is for it to constantly be nearly naked or cornily upstaging a man hero who's supposed to be the main character, then forget it, because I hate remembering it.

I imagine a movie of yet indeterminate story about a woman, fat or not, wearing a heavy overcoat who can't do backflips or chinese splits and who the non-chauvanist man-villain has no interest in doubting trivial abilities of or doing sex to, just killing. This would make no money, but as long I'm imagining it exists I'll additionally imagine that it is very successful financially.

Although Mary Jane Fitzgrebin is fully clothed most of the time and does nothing half-impressive, she still appears to be very much so a major villain in Spiderman 2: Frantic Antics. I didn't want to see the first one because it looked like that was the whole movie. This time I knew, just from previews and such that Peter Parker throws his spiderman suit in a garbage can in an alleyway and says "I'm Spiderman no more!" and then he sees a building on fire and out of habit initiates the undress phase only to notice he isn't wearing the suit. And then later some stupid kid says "it's great to have you back, Spiderman" and Spiderman says "I'll always be Spiderman!" All throughout this, some elderly woman says "I believe there's a hero in all of us" about fifteen times.

This is what she looks like saying it, by the way.

All this I knew, but one thing gleefully absent, it seemed, was anyone kissing anyone else. Even having major plot points spoiled, with the love done with, Dr. Octopus doing anything at all and no Green Goblin cackling on a skateboard I predicted it was my destiny for a day to see this film and not hate it. However, I normally do a lot of nothing in one day, and if I end up postponing that nothing then I will end up with two days of nothing to do, and then I'll be too not busy with that to be not busy with this. But I'm done now.

It occured to me that an engrossing, plot oriented, mass-explody movie like Spiderman is meant to be seen in a theatre. One like Anchorman (which sadly, doesn't mention popeye even once), with interchangable scenes acknowledged to have happened decades ago and not a single thing that blows up I would rather see in a place where I could pause it and use the toilet if necessary. I saw Anchorman, but I've also seen Saturday Night Live since 1996, so I've seen pretty much everything Will Ferell will might ever do, and a lot of it was in Anchorman and less amusing there. What I hadn't seen on SNL I'd seen in the Naked Gun. I've encountered that Nude Firearm about twelve times, and if I watched it again I would still laugh more than I did at Anchorman once, and I wouldn't need to force meself to ignore any pretensious Dreamworks logos either. Still, I'm glad there are mopely critics saying Anchorguy is the funniest rapid series of projector movements they've ever witnessed, because that makes me feel better about my past and future claims that all critics are morons with no discernable talent or intellect (and no one needs to buy their albums to keep them employed, either). It's nice to not just be speculating this one time.
Having said that, I'd be worried about the frequently semi-quoted Roger Ebert claiming Spiderman II as "one of the greatest superhero movies I've ever seen," but then I remembered that he was probably referring to Spiderman as the hero, which Spiderman wasn't, so that statement is simply not true, und so I'm not obligated to hate the movie out of spite.

It's impossible to say whether movies like Spidermintwa are a product of Man-Society's contempt for women or merely a means to perpetuate it. Maryjane --or MJ as is easier to type-- is the real villain, like I said not long ago. Whenever possible, she makes Peter Parker, who is a massive dork, look like an even massiver dork. Unfortunately, it's not the funny kind of dork, but the in love kind of dork that makes me feel like a dork for watching. A failure at many things, Pinter makes most of his money extorting money out of Guy Cabalero, the Daily Bugle (a science journal named after the famous snack food) owner. The news-paper man has enough money, apparently, to send his children to astronaut school, but I can't help but feel he's being ripped off for pictures of Spiderman. I could get a-hundred pictures of Spiderman for free right off the internet. I assume that's what Peter did, since... being Spiderman and all (shhhhh! not so loud!), there's no way he can claim to have taken any full-length pictures of himself flying about grasping a piece of silly string.

In other news, Consulate Auto Octavius has constructed a silly[er] machine and has invited ignorant fools to watch it make sun balls. For reasons undetermined the only way to operate the machine is for the doctor to affix metal tentacles to his spine and walk inside the machine. We are told this is because they take commands directly from his brain, and we are left to presume that he couldn't afford any extension cords. However, despite taking commands from the doctor's brain, without the inhibitor chip they instead give commands to his brain. I didn't question the logic of this at the time because they weren't mentioned in the same sentence like that. As you are aware, the machine breaks with the inhibition chip (if you weren't aware, you are now) and the doctor succumbs to peer pressure from the local gang of metal snakes and starts throwing cars around. They (the snakes, not the cars) decide the machine which freed them from servitude must be rebuilt and worshiped, and the only way to afford that is to rob a bank. What respectable evil machine part store would accept a bank's worth of money from a metal snake guy so soon after a metal snake guy robbed a bank is not discussed, and that's just as well, because then I'd wonder why he didn't just rob the evil machine part store. But still, he had a reason, and he got it done, because unlike last time, Spiderman didn't have free-play mode and the Submariner along to help.

Not actual scene from film
If you were in the theater that day, I should inform you that Dr. Octopus, a somewhat fat man wearing a fur coat and a matching fur fedora, despite having every reason to, does no evil laughing at this or any point. Not when he's flinging bags full of Chuck E. Cheese tokens at Spiderman, not when he's flinging Spiderman at other things, not when he's climbing random climbable objects in a completely unaffected Mr. Clean pose. That was all me, and I tell you I couldn't stop.

Getting fight to the point, the good doctor and the justice league of snakes want to make the machine again, for use in creating a renewable energy resource, if I now recall properly. Octoplasm is advised against this with something like "that will destroy half the city!," but not by one of the snakes so he doesn't listen. 'Ey, as long as we're talking about fiction, I'd say half (as in: not even the whole thing) of one of the most decadent and corrupt places in the entire world is a very good price for a planet that doesn't turn into a toxic charcoal briquet in fifteen years (briquets are baby bricks). However, our hero needs a good supply of Thundranium to operate the machine. He finds whiny friend of Peter Parker who apparently controls the Thundranium supply, and some is as politely requested as a quartet of taciturn metal snakes is capable of doing. The semi-villain will only give up the Thundranium if the doctor delivers Spiderman. Octavian agrees to capture Spiderman, and you know what? That's exactly what he does. Eeh hee hee hee!

If you don't know where this is from, it's not my recommendation to try finding out.

Unfortunately, the only way to lure Spiderman out of retirement is to build a European clock tower in New York City and hold MJ captive from it. That's the best her famous stupid-vision can manage, since the doctor is wearing protective Howard Stern sunglasses at all times. By this point she's already demonstrated this power in making Nice Peter actually feel bad about stopping crime and saving lives instead of watching Mary Jane's stupid play which she didn't even write. But anyway. Thus overcoming the meddling, Doc Tor's task is done without error and Spiderman is submitted intact. Before longer Thundranium mogul discovers that the [spider] man he wanted dead is the same as the best friend whom I could have sworn a few scenes ago which I didn't mention here he had also wanted dead. In the identity and pronoun confusion Spiderman escapes.
Meanwhile, despite the genius and the afore-mentioned Howard Stern sunglasses of our hero, Mij has still managed to convince Doc October to keep her as a captive instead of dumping her in the river or even better returning her home and utterly dumbfounding Spiderman who, after forgetting how to operate his thwip gun and unmasking before every credited extra, is struggling to appear even remotely competent. On the other tentacle, right up to the end, the doctor fails at nothing. Even after being electrocuted and becoming, naturally, more powerful and also not evil, when he destroys his machine and supposedly dies doing it, it's only because he wants to.
Spiderman, that silly person, saves MJ Goodrich's live by holding up a crush-aspiring large construction piece and all she can do is lie there and say "Oh, I love you, Spiderman." The fiend is of course actually very angry that Spiderman has survived this long and thinks this is the way to finally do him done. In soon time, Spiderman remarks about how heavy the object is but of course Mij doesn't move and eventually Spiderman can't hold the thing anymore and suddenly Mij remembers that if Spiderman drops it then it will kill the both of them so Mij turns off her stupid vision and Spiderman tosses the object to elsewhere. However, Mij now knows (despite claiming she'd known it all along) that Spiderman is the same person as Peter Parker, and Mij pledges to never leave Spiderman alone. Fortunately, Spiderman is too busy watching to make sure that Doctor Octor's latest sun-ball has been dissolved, und so Mij's reactivated stupid-vision can't effectively subdue Spiderman, and he essentially tells Mij to fardle off in a scene that, had it not been filmed so that Spiderman seems sad about it would have been the best non-ock part of the whole pancake.

However, that's not enough. It should have been, because the interesting villain is "dead," and every additional minute of film makes my "no one who drowns near the end is ever really dead" theory less applicable. But MJ Rowand (don't try and look that up) has other plans. She can't get married, because her fiance is a woman-hating type who would beat and/or rape if he thought his property was discussing any manner of business with a different man, spider or not. However, Mij is also a man-hater (those types love to get married) so rather than call off the wedding and save her otherwise apparently decent aquaintances much money and stress, she waits for the wedding ceremony to start and doesn't show up, just to annoy the other marriage person. Just to annoy me, she runs through several city-type scenes actually wearing the stupid wedding dress, even though she never planned to get married. Mij is looking for Peter Parker, her best friend that wasn't invited. Mij ambushes Pietro in his own home and repeats the same exact pledge as before. However, as it was, like I said, an ambush, Peter accidentally gazes directly into stupid-vision and doesn't outright refuse and THEN the movie ends. Bah.

Even after all of that, still there is hope. If a potentially third movie is anything like the comics the whole biscuit is derived from, Parker and Jane soon meet up with Pauly Shore and together they form the powerful confederation of Peter, Paul, and Mary to do battle with and hopefully Stop the Smoggies. Don't disappoint me, Hollywood!