I don't see many movies. A big problem is that with the politically correct movements of the previous decade is that any remotely interesting man-hero in an action type environment will be forced to tolerate a "love interest" who constantly gets in his way. This is different than years past, because the man can't tell the woman-- excuse me, girl to pess arf or keep quiet because the second this happens, the female character becomes the incarnation of irony and does something really unimpressive but that's intended to make her seem every bit the man's equal and so indispensable to the mission's success.|
'Ey. I have no problem with women heroes. However, if the only way to have one is for it to constantly be nearly naked or cornily upstaging a man hero who's supposed to be the main character, then forget it, because I hate remembering it.
I imagine a movie of yet indeterminate story about a woman, fat or not, wearing a heavy overcoat who can't do backflips or chinese splits and who the non-chauvanist man-villain has no interest in doubting trivial abilities of or doing sex to, just killing. This would make no money, but as long I'm imagining it exists I'll additionally imagine that it is very successful financially.
Although Mary Jane Fitzgrebin is fully clothed most of the time and does nothing half-impressive, she still appears to be very much so a major villain in Spiderman 2: Frantic Antics. I didn't want to see the first one because it looked like that was the whole movie. This time I knew, just from previews and such that Peter Parker throws his spiderman suit in a garbage can in an alleyway and says "I'm Spiderman no more!" and then he sees a building on fire and out of habit initiates the undress phase only to notice he isn't wearing the suit. And then later some stupid kid says "it's great to have you back, Spiderman" and Spiderman says "I'll always be Spiderman!" All throughout this, some elderly woman says "I believe there's a hero in all of us" about fifteen times.
This is what she looks like saying it, by the way.
All this I knew, but one thing gleefully absent, it seemed, was anyone kissing anyone else. Even having major plot points spoiled, with the love done with, Dr. Octopus doing anything at all and no Green Goblin cackling on a skateboard I predicted it was my destiny for a day to see this film and not hate it. However, I normally do a lot of nothing in one day, and if I end up postponing that nothing then I will end up with two days of nothing to do, and then I'll be too not busy with that to be not busy with this. But I'm done now.
It occured to me that an engrossing, plot oriented, mass-explody movie like Spiderman is meant to be seen in a theatre. One like Anchorman (which sadly, doesn't mention popeye even once), with interchangable scenes acknowledged to have happened decades ago and not a single thing that blows up I would rather see in a place where I could pause it and use the toilet if necessary. I saw Anchorman, but I've also seen Saturday Night Live since 1996, so I've seen pretty much everything Will Ferell
It's impossible to say whether movies like Spidermintwa are a product of Man-Society's contempt for women or merely a means to perpetuate it. Maryjane --or MJ as is easier to type-- is the real villain, like I said not long ago. Whenever possible, she makes Peter Parker, who is a massive dork, look like an even massiver dork. Unfortunately, it's not the funny kind of dork, but the in love kind of dork that makes me feel like a dork for watching. A failure at many things, Pinter makes most of his money extorting money out of Guy Cabalero, the Daily Bugle (a science journal named after the famous snack food) owner. The news-paper man has enough money, apparently, to send his children to astronaut school, but I can't help but feel he's being ripped off for pictures of Spiderman. I could get a-hundred pictures of Spiderman for free right off the internet. I assume that's what Peter did, since... being Spiderman and all (shhhhh! not so loud!), there's no way he can claim to have taken any full-length pictures of himself flying about grasping a piece of silly string.
In other news, Consulate Auto Octavius has constructed a silly[er] machine and has invited ignorant fools to watch it make sun balls. For reasons undetermined the only way to operate the machine is for the doctor to affix metal tentacles to his spine and walk inside the machine. We are told this is because they take commands directly from his brain, and we are left to presume that he couldn't afford any extension cords. However, despite taking commands from the doctor's brain, without the inhibitor chip they instead give commands to his brain. I didn't question the logic of this at the time because they weren't mentioned in the same sentence like that. As you are aware, the machine breaks with the inhibition chip (if you weren't aware, you are now) and the doctor succumbs to peer pressure from the local gang of metal snakes and starts throwing cars around. They (the snakes, not the cars) decide the machine which freed them from servitude must be rebuilt and worshiped, and the only way to afford that is to rob a bank. What respectable evil machine part store would accept a bank's worth of money from a metal snake guy so soon after a metal snake guy robbed a bank is not discussed, and that's just as well, because then I'd wonder why he didn't just rob the evil machine part store. But still, he had a reason, and he got it done, because unlike last time, Spiderman didn't have free-play mode and the Submariner along to help.
Not actual scene from film
Getting fight to the point, the good doctor and the justice league of snakes want to make the machine again, for use in creating a renewable energy resource, if I now recall properly. Octoplasm is advised against this with something like "that will destroy half the city!," but not by one of the snakes so he doesn't listen. 'Ey, as long as we're talking about fiction, I'd say half (as in: not even the whole thing) of one of the most decadent and corrupt places in the entire world is a very good price for a planet that doesn't turn into a toxic charcoal briquet in fifteen years (briquets are baby bricks). However, our hero needs a good supply of Thundranium to operate the machine. He finds whiny friend of Peter Parker who apparently controls the Thundranium supply, and some is as politely requested as a quartet of taciturn metal snakes is capable of doing. The semi-villain will only give up the Thundranium if the doctor delivers Spiderman. Octavian agrees to capture Spiderman, and you know what? That's exactly what he does. Eeh hee hee hee!
If you don't know where this is from, it's not my recommendation to try finding out.
Unfortunately, the only way to lure Spiderman out of retirement is to build a European clock tower in New York City and hold MJ captive from it. That's the best her famous stupid-vision can manage, since the doctor is wearing protective Howard Stern sunglasses at all times. By this point she's already demonstrated this power in making Nice Peter actually feel bad about stopping crime and saving lives instead of watching Mary Jane's stupid play which she didn't even write. But anyway. Thus overcoming the meddling, Doc Tor's task is done without error and Spiderman is submitted intact. Before longer Thundranium mogul discovers that the [spider] man he wanted dead is the same as the best friend whom I could have sworn a few scenes ago which I didn't mention here he had also wanted dead. In the identity and pronoun confusion Spiderman escapes.
Even after all of that, still there is hope. If a potentially third movie is anything like the comics the whole biscuit is derived from, Parker and Jane soon meet up with Pauly Shore and together they form the powerful confederation of Peter, Paul, and Mary to do battle with and hopefully Stop the Smoggies. Don't disappoint me, Hollywood!