When last we saw our hero, Ronald Hobbes McDonald had just apparently vapourized Mick MacKensie and Mack McMichael inside a crowded McDonald's with seemingly no warning or provocation (I assume for occupying a table and not ordering anything). In actuality, he had only sent them to the Slime World, but they never returned, for Global Gladiators is impossible. Completely by coincidence, Ronald found part of a treasure map which just so happened to detail the place he was deported to the next day. We join that story already in progress. ...he practiced doing the Magical Robot dance. I assume the small piece of paper is right beneath that normal sized piece. What Ronald didn't know was that his mouth kept moving after the closing quotation marks. Make that four bad guys. Unlike other heroes of ridiculously easy games (the difficulty defaults to ridiculously easy, but you can raise it to kind of easy), Ronald doesn't in any way pretend to have anyone's best interests in mind but his own. He's selling food that kills and he knows it. And so it should come as no surprise that his arcane sorcery is used for naught but evil in the land of Treasure. If anyone gets in his way he unleashes a lethal storm of sparkly glitter things and turns the slow-witted residents into clouds of harmless (according to McDonald's headquarters, anyway) smoke. (He'd throw Filet O' Fish sandwiches at them, but that way takes too long and doesn't smell as nice.) Since they inhabit a 2 dimensional plane and lack the ability to elevate themselves to higher ground or walk off ledges, all they can do is smile stupidly and await their pooftacular demise. Here's a tip, Ronald. Something I've learned studying the games which ought not be studied: If the one emitting high-pitched "ow" noises isn't you, you're on the wrong side. Does Ronald ever say anything without a smile? Oh yeh? Which hand? It is somewhat ironic that Treasure (in whose land this game takes place), a company formed out of people who left another one (Konami, I'm told), for it being too bureaucratic, controlling of its employees and concerned with mass consumption starts out by making a game for McDonald's. It is perhaps for this reason that Treasure is also in the game's title. After all, if you came across a game called "Titus Makes Awful Games," the last group you'd expect to have made it would be Titus. I believe this game was originally supposed to not be about Ronald McDonald. The most obvious sign, after the occasional insane Japanese imagery (which for the sake of me I've left off this page except where relevant to my regularly scheduled irrelevance), is that every other creature you encounter has a head two to three times as large as Ronald's. Even fellow McDonaldland characters (remember, this is McDonald's Treasureland Adventure, and not Treasure's McDonaldland Adventure, or even, for that matter, Donald's Adventureland McTreasure), who, being in reality foam-suited fiends, require large heads seem cranially challenged by comparison to some of the happy things you'll be waging sparkly war against. Also, besides the M logo marking a level's end, nothing to be found in them have anything at all to do with McDonald's. These mountains look kind of like french fries... if they were green... and came from Wendy's. No, not one cheeseburger is eaten, or even seen. What do get eaten, and frequently, are Ronald's Magic Jewels. No, really. That's what the game calls them, and that's what they are. And everyone wants them. Boss enemies fight with very odd strategies (read: none at all), because while they want to protect their treasure map piece from Ronald, they also want to eat his Jewels (get used to that phrase), and since he falls off the screen when beaten, to only way to eat Ronald's jewels is to keep dropping easily defeated peons for Ronald to get more jewels from, and "just in case," they always keep a 1-up handy. As I see it, the Managerial monsters don't harvest the jewels themselves because then they would just get regular jewels and not... Ronald's Magic Jewels. You need to understand that Ronald's a professional. Would you rather buy a gun and join the cartel, or pay thousands of dollars more to have the work done for you, and not need to face the dangers and the innocent victims who lost their lives to get what you know you can't live without, your precious "jewels?!" Yeah, you go and think about that. Golds? Are you serious? Then that must mean, aw ban... Yes! Or... no! I suppose the grammar is correct if we are willing to accept that a piece of gold (or whatever substance might take 10000 pieces of to purchase a balloon) is called a Gold (with the capital G, I suspect this refers to "Gold" albums), but... come on, you can't tell me there's not a single person at Treasure who's played Faxanadu. I don't believe it. I think Ronald must surely own the store, because I don't see anyone else in here. (Not even frozen ones like in the first image) "Oops! Not enough Golds to buy something from myself!" I think you'll be visited by three ghosts soon, Ronald. Isn't this a bit risqe for a game marketed towards children? It becomes downright disturbing once you realize that, the head(s), at least, bears a striking resemblance to Birdie, whom you probably know from the copyright screen this game starts with. ...Why? Did you want to chastise him for the recent decline in hamburger theft? He obviously stole all the hamburgers out of this game before you even arrived, Ronald. Give the wretched criminal some credit. I assume this is jail. Not because the Hamburglar has no way of getting out of here (but do note that this place is underground so those windows won't be of any help), but because the only channel the television set picks up is the McDonald's Logo channel. And not even that well! Ehhh, anyway, the Hamburglar is here to educate you not just about the game, but life in general. Not as part of his court-ordered community service, though. He demands a service of his own in return... Actually, Ronald, I think he said "robble robble." If this was one of Treasure's later games, I know there'd be a voice right about here to back me up. Hey, wait a minute! That would be most impolite, Ronald. I love this game. I really shouldn't, especially after that conversation, but I do. Bah. Later, after jewels are eaten and blows are exchanged, Our guarantee: All tomatoes are beaten up by Ronald prior to slicing That's not surprising, since the pieces appear to have been cut with kindergarten scissors, rather than torn apart with the passage of time. ...by jumping on the back of a train when no one was looking. Way to set a good example, Ronald. Hey kids, eat hamburgers and french fries and chicken nuggets every day and you can grow up to be a flamboyant hobo! Maybe it's time to change your profession when you can't even find respect among other clowns. How late for work is this mope? Hey, gopher-rodent-mole, the coal's already been mined (why the stuff is on the circus train is another matter entirely). Put that thing away. I don't know if it's the adventurer's spirit or plain stupidity that made Ronald decide to actually go inside the train at the part where the dangerous animals are kept. Whatever they are, I'm sure they're too big to ride unicycles. Ooof! This is one of my favorite traps ever. There's simply no excuse for it. If he's so wicked, why are you in a private villa and not one of those cages over there? How Ronald gives the jewels to Birdie Spears over here to open the door to that wretched pen without opening the door first baffles me about as much as it does to think the jewels would help in opening the door at all. You're here to find treasure, not audition for a new job. Priorities, Ronald! A lot of people hate Ronald McDonald, but how many do you know that, when the time came, would be willing to throw their autographed Oscar The Grouch brand garbage can out the window at him, and be this happy whilst doing so? Even when they miss, they're still happy, because that means they get another try. For next time, however, I suggest not first transfering the garbage to another can. This machine is an unfortunate contraption. It so savors the sophisticated taste of Ronald's Crystals (or jewels, if you prefer) that it forgets to take any offense. You surely notice its hands. It doesn't fight or grab with them, or even use them to assist in making faces at Ronald. I think it just wants a big hug. Unfortunately, the official Ronald McDonald guidebook warns to "never initiate a hug," so I'm afraid that won't be happening. No, go away. You already had your page. After the malfuncionary Crossaint-o-Matic has been thoroughly lepoofed, this creature falls... more like descends out of it. You're making a fool of yourself! I will assume I am seeing skeptically lowered eyelids and not overly liberal use of eye-shininess here, because that amuses me more. Ronald McDonald brings the gift of greed to another once innocent culture. I realize jewels and such were what twerp was after anyway, and further that this was the most maniacal looking of the three villains pictured in the introduction, but that's not the point. The point is... oh, you're right, Ronald. I was wrong to have doubted you. Still, that's pretty pathetic that after eight or so stages of violently and glitterly eliminating all who dared exhibit the slightest annoyance at some clown coming to steal their national treasures, all it takes is a temper tantrum to make Ronald back off. That's the same color as the Osh Kosh Buggosh that alien was wearing. I think you'd better get out of there, Ronald, before something else gets dropped... That doesn't make it yours! That certainly is a happy looking... cloud thing. Ronald seems to put everyone in a bad mood. So far, in his journey abroad, the only people who Ronald's been nice to are his friends (one of which is a convicted repeat felon, I might add), and even then only to sate their Magic Jewel addiction. The exception occured only after Ronald had [intentionally] wrecked someone's spacecraft, and you'll recall that immediately following this act he stole the poor fool's treasure map piece. No wonder foreigners hate Americans. This does not bode well for our hero! ANTICLIMAX. "What? Penguins?! I'd rather attempt to go back the way I came using a scientifically impossible method than stay here!" The only things in the game that don't want Ronald's jewels, and he runs away. True, I would too, but I'm not Ronald McDonald, am I. . . . . . . . . . . . . NO, I AM NOT. The shield spits fireballs. What's the spear for? Ronald plays the role of both Goofus and Gallant by effectively disarming this local robot and then destroying it anyway. "The Captain" uses the power of Twizzlers to transform a tropical island into a massive pirate ship, and then comes along in another ship to sink it again. Ronald clouds people's judgement in ways totally unrelated to food consumption. But Ronald's not through. Ronald goes underwater, reboards the ship, takes all the valuables and then breaks The Captain's chandeliers. That'll teach him to find pieces of maps! Somehow, Grimace, I'm not surprised at all. I'd love to know how you ever aren't unable to move. Grimace takes some of Ronald's Jewels, naturally, inches over, and promptly falls down again. It's such a sad sight, even I won't show a picture of it. Wait just a darn minute there, Grimace. What map? This isn't The Captain's battle form, and actually goes down without a fight, but I show it here because I often find my pages lacking in fisticuffmanship. In the end, even The Captain cannot resist Ronald's jewels, and falls just as those did before him (slightly more gracefully than Grimace). But with a mouth that big, I don't see why he doesn't just eat Ronald. That would solve everything. Just stop posing like that! Considering that The Captain had the piece of the map with the picture of the sun on it, I can't help but think he got the better end of the deal just by getting to eat the jewels necessary to make him vulnerable to attacks. Did that make sense? Even if it did, we both know that it really didn't. You have over 35,000 Golds, and three times that value in balloons. Why do you even want the treasure? Once Ronald finds all four pieces, the map changes to show this. At least, that's the story he gives so no one thinks he's an idiot for looking at the wrong side and not easily being able to figure out what this was a picture of from the map corner he started with and skipping 75% of this dreadfully long page. What makes you think that? The clouds? The easily discernable continents? That is completely the wrong reaction. You misheard. I said that you need help. This game was released in 1993. That's my time. I don't ever remember Ronald McDonald knowing a professor. But then again, I don't remember the Hamburglar eating Ronald's jewels, either. I'd remember if it had happened, because that's just the sort of thing I'd not want to remember, and thus would. George Bush wants to send more people to the moon by 2015, why can't he get this guy on the team? You'll be there and back in time for the final episode of Game Over. He makes rocket ships like someone else might make regular ships, and not even in bottles. Why does the Hamburglar get to go? You think he wants to share? The Fry Kids too? Shouldn't we be suspicious that the only one not going is the guy who built this thing in three seconds? Really, you can't think of one reason? Hmmm, what do you suppose these hands are looking to grab at? The backgrounds on the moon look like they were stolen from Super Widget, except without the spectacular Super NES effects. Nope. Never heard of the guy. Hey, want some Magic Jewels? Actually, I can see them just fine in that cage behind you. Stop it! You're hurting me! And your brain, apparently. Why the milton are you eating them?! Neither do I. I guess some people really can't hold their jewels. For me, at least, perhaps the most disturbing thing of all is not that the final confrontation is a rip-off of every episode of Scooby Doo, but that the creature itself appears to be a rip-off of the Kirby rip-off I used to make terrible comics about. Although yet one more rip-off in the last panel would serve to indicate that this originated some time after 1993, I didn't actually play the Ronald McDonald game until 10 years later. So harg. the William Shakespeare look-alike contest! Congraturation! That's right! We want... wait, what? So, what if the ship hadn't broken? Would you say you just go into outer space and torment extra-terrestrials for the sport of it? I swear that thing was pleasantly ugly a minute ago “Feel free to crash rockets into my planet, poison my friends, steal my Golds and tease me with your Magic Jewels any time!” This... ...and eventually this. If you haven't played the game you won't understand. If you have played the game you also won't understand. If you made the game, you obviously don't speak English, and so you won't likely convey an explanation to me. Right.