Why are there so many back-to-school sales? Does everyone make a great big bonfire with notebooks and binders and trapper-keepers and such once they have no more immediate function? This isn't stuff that deteriorates from disuse. I wish it did, as I can recall over the years accumulating quite a collection of empty notebooks bought for me despite despite my attendance at a school which gave them out for free. More recently, I've had one notebook for a year's worth of classes (which I may or may not have completed in that time frame), and it's not even half filled. I passed those classes, by the way, so it's not like I wasn't using the thing.
Even more than things actually used, I see back-to-school clothing sales. Now this one truly baffles me. At least around here, people wear clothes during the summer. Not a whole lot, I'm sad to say, but still. They also wear clothes after and before the summer. The same kinds. Maybe a lot of children grow significantly over these months (and not every parent agrees discomfort builds character). Fine. Why then, are college students so frequently the models I'm seeing? They aren't even real college students, they're 30-ish year-old actors acting as college students. And... not fat ones, either, ever, so you can't truly expect me to believe these people are in the market just because things don't fit properly. Wha, wuh... fashion? No, I've seen fashion. That's when you have fake purple angel wings or hair sculpted to look like helicopter blades. Or at least, that's what it is at fashion shows. And at least that would be unique and/or interesting. But the common idea of fashion is that it means a clothing choice that doesn't look unsightly. Since it still does, I shall only point out that urban fashion, which is spend lots of money to look like you have no money, and sub-urban fashion, which is spend lots of money to look like you have no reason to live, have not changed in the three months since the classes were finished. I don't think it's changed in the past three years. Is there no one to stop this villain?

One thing that both fashion types share is jeans. Aside from the dumb name, jeans is uncomfortable and ugly (this is called "casual"). And in my case, also too big. Sure, I could wear a belt. Just buy me a tassled shirt and some snakeskin boots and then smash a whiskey bottle over my head, why don't you. Anyway, I'm not eligible to wear a belt, since that would actually constitute its intended purpose.

Don't you know, you're only allowed to wear belts with denim pants tight enough to stay fixed in place unassisted. The logical next step: Shirt belts. And why is the only company that puts out denim in colors other than blue white and black Osh Kosh Buggosh? I would accept "because red looks dumb and so does their name" if not for the fact that fellow ugly-pant materials rubber and spandex are made in that color all the time. I say, everyone should be free to look as dumb as they want, regardless of what substance Cambodian children aren't paid to stitch together in its construction. While it is possible to not look dumb wearing large amounts of red-colored garments, this is only true if you are an eastern European folk hero. So, are you?

I hate that "back to school" is the only acceptable phrase. If you said "resume education" or "return to classes" you'd likely be shot. Knowing that, you're probably not even going to try, are you. What's more important, making people aware of their succumbing to a force they don't understand, or not getting shot? Ehhh... ehhh... "Back to school" isn't even a phrase anymore, somewhere along the line a noun transformation occured. For all purposes other than writing, it is considered one word. "Back to school time" makes gravy sense otherwise. I indeed heard around the timely period in which I should have uploaded this page, "It's Office Max for Back to School." That passes for grammar. English is among the hardest languages to learn, and stupid farp like this is why. Nevermind the ever growing list of words from other languages that weasel their way into our dictionaries every year. As long as they're used properly I'm willing to compromise.

Good old 95! Let the world know you'll never amount to anything, and all that remains between you and suicide is your appreciation for someone else who does a thing that doesn't even matter. I accept that there are plenty of successful people who also dress like this. However, they are not pictured here.

I'm sure. You'll notice that I couldn't find a picture of anyone wearing this, which relieves me somewhat, as that may indicate I've merely fallen for a trick, rather than the other way around, as it would be if a group with no opinions was told this looks good. Even the least reputable yard-sellers at least try to make stuff look clean before they demand money for it. Ehhh. If people will pay for something out of a Salvation Army dumpster the same price as something new (this collection totals $138.50, and indeed, the most expensive part is the pants), what's stopping pre-kicked in television sets and pre-wiped toilet paper from finding their ways to the market?

It's not just the Salvation army. Apparently there are people who dress in proper militrary fatigues all the time. As we've already proved, an old Dave Berg assumption that it was because they could be worn for weeks at a time without stains being apparent is not the case (yes, I'm a nerd for mentioning that). So why, then? Maybe it's for when you just can't shake the feeling that someone's going to be shooting at you today.

Such is often the plight of Ken dolls come to life. Also in red, for if you've been shot already, or you're fighting a war in Candy Land.

WHO IS STEALING AMELRICA'S SLEEVES?! Long have I sought the answer, and quite cooincidentally found it just in time for this page.

The culprits are Japanese people, who found it counter-intuitive to be tearing their own shirts to make scarves. I feel I should mention, however, that the one pictured here is not among those at fault. Having no hands, connection to such crimes would be hard to prove.

A sidebar, but I'd rather have a Skor bar. The same exact thing as the non-side part, except the more complicated layout subconciously makes you think I'm smarter than someone who makes pages without such trickery. Admit it, my tables intimidate you, don't they!

Why don't you wear a bicycle helmet instead? Not only will you look less dumb, but you'll be protected in case you fall down in a way that people hardly ever fall down.

Whether it's the modeling job, or the *other* job, you can't convince me someone pays to dress themself like that.

Show off your individuality by letting everyone know precisely which number clone you are!

Speaking of that, here come some more right off the conveyor belt!

It's the latest from Japan. all the up-and-coming sumo wrestlers are wearing it!

In the event that no one in attendance has the time, I will personally come to your school and mock you for looking like this. That's probably why the original image couldn't be found, and I had to settle for an image.google.com thumb'snail version. YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM YOUR DESTINY!

Putting your clothing on backwards is ALL THE RAGE! My rage, that is.

It's the classic "weighted down by chains and decals" look. All additional space is filled with a mixture of mayonnaise, glue, and pus, as you can see leaking out onto the pantal region.

I can imagine if you're the sort of person who can't figure out how a bench works then you might consider wearing this. Sure.

The dork tree sheds its fruit every year about this time. I cannot confirm it, but I'm told thought went into dressing these two.

So what styles do I approve of? A better question would be: what styles can't I make dumb comments about? Pretty much you're either going to be really boring or look ridiculous. What can you do? There is one thing: Don't let yourself be photographed. Oh, or not consider my views in any way authoritative. That's a big problem, I've noticed. People reading one of my pages and then immediately changing to fit into my narrow category of things I don't think are annoying. For example, a relation of mine happened across this site last week, and now emulates my every positive aspect, and we've never gotten along better.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

I didn't mean it was a big problem for me, but for other people, the non-believers, the unenlightened, who suddenly feel inferior in the presence of one who took my advice.
Arrogance, or THE TRUTH?

Why can't more people dress like them?