While my computer was ill, I did fall into an unfortunate habit of watching cartoons. Some I watched and hated, and others I was ashamedly pleased with. One of which I almost made a disparaging remark about maybe two month ago, but couldn't recall viewing with enough clarity to be sure of. So I re-viewed it!

I don't get it.  Every YouTube bum can afford a video capture card, why can't I?

I think The Ren and Stimpy Show failed, if not financially then spiritually, not because The Creator was expelled by The Network (so let us not dwindle on why), but because the people who remained didn't understand, even when using his leftover scripts, what John Krispafiscalusaki's* vision was. I don't understand what his vision was (it's possible that over ten years he himself additionally forgot). I only know that it was very bizarre, usually a bit disgusting, and occasionally even more digusting than bizarre. Similarly, that is all the successors knew, and they couldn't always figure out how those things worked together. They also never drew Ren's tail, but I suppose that's a minor, possibly budget related issue. In the cheaper Tom and Jerry cartoons Tom doesn't have one either unless there's a bear trap or two pieces of bread nearby.


It's not a matter of network censorship as some humans have claimed: the best and the worst of what remains are both equally putrid. Quite so. Often to the extent that I think "it could not be more unpleasant than this, and if it could that wouldn't be an improvement."

All this is not to say that all the cartoons made after 1992 are bad. Just that enough are that you have to wonder what's going on, and thankfully you have the internet and can find out. A few are bad to the extent that a first time viewer would not be unreasonable to think there's no way any of them are good (I suppose every TV show ever made has this problem, but usually there's nothing specific to unfairly blame it on. Or there is but it isn't something like God being fired.). It should be noted, though, that the very worst of these is better than every thing the "Nicktoons" channel (that's whose logo is in the lower-left corner of these pictures) puts on between regularly scheduled programs. It should also be noted that my decision to hate the Ren + Stimpy Show during its original airings was not based on quality deficiency but rather part of my deciding to hate every cartoon some time in the mid 1990s. A somewhat closeminded and ignorant silent oath I made so to seem smarter. Another benefit of the internet is the ease with which I can come across people extremely proud of far more shameful pleasures than I've ever been embarrassed about, so I don't feel as bad betraying the old, less old me as old me would think I should.

Another unfortunate though seemingly unrelated matter is that despite there being 54ish episodes known to exist, I saw less than half of them before they started repeating, and it began to appear that their order was totally random, so it could not be guessed when one I hadn't seen was coming. It's possible to find out which are next by checking the nicktoonsnetwork.com fantastically slow-loading and nigh unnavigable Flash-driven website. It is possible.

Speaking of between show shrapnel, as I was at one point, it looks like I wrote up angry summaries of most of them. Unknown or forgotten titles are made up by me based on the content.

Tortellini Western:
As the story goes, some people from Palermo Italy moved to Palermo Montana. This seems to have no relevance beyond the title. This cartoon combines many of my least favorite things. Ye Olde West, bad artwork, bad writing, and bad voices. Most notably the creakly adolescent voice that says "wahuh wahuh wah! Waw waw waw!" in imitation of the Good the Bad the Ugly's theme music. It is painful, about 9 seconds long and on every one of these. I hate it even more than the "Gracie Films" production company music that plays at the end of Der Simpsons. As a result, I now mute all of them and have idea what's going on.

Stripe-suited goth kids:
I don't know why I lack a picture, because they were on all the time around Halloween. They are named Edgar and Ellen. You know, like Edgar Allen Poe, who wrote three kind of creepy short stories and then 120 more that nobody alive today will ever read, and he might well have no desire to be associated with marketably grim imagery that implies he enjoyed living in a world that was legitimately grim.
I think these two play tricks on people. I can never tell what they're trying to accomplish, though, because I usually only see the ends of these. If it turns out that they're not playing tricks, then they don't seem to be doing anything other than inspiring stripy-suit goth kid fan art. I hate drawn goth kids more than real goth kids. At least they don't wear top hats.

It stars a different square headed goth kid, and its name ends with a z for no reason. It uses the famously misused "on screen pencil" effect, despite the fact it was clearly drawn in a Flash like computer program and, as the credits and logos tell me, by eighty different people. Definitely more than anything else here. It really shows.

Mr. Meaty:
Crank Yankers with uglier puppets and less consequence. It is astounding. Do you think the word "meat" is funny on its own and that no further effort is necessary for functional comedy? Then I hope you made this becuase I hate to think there are more of you.
Did you know that Tony Barbieri, the guy who wrote those awful "Monroe" comics which were in MAD magazine for about 10 years, did a lot of the voices on Crank Yankers? And from his connections there went on to engineer many of the more annoying elements of Jimmy Kimmel "Live?" Well, I was just wondering. Bill Wray, who illustrated Monroe (and possibly that picture of the cheese on a fork you will encounter if you continue), is not the subject of my scorn at this time. He could have done a better job, but he knew it wouldn't have helped.

Giant-freakin'-mouthed Kid and Green Blob:
As boring and unfunny as the others, but less obnoxious overall. Congratulations. Marketers love to pair up a hooker monster with a heart of gold and a totally unremarkable human child because [trails off]

The Presentators:
The upper halves of some creatures' bodies, presuming they have lower halves, float behind a table and move their mouths. Despite being obviously British (check out that tooth decay), they do look kind of funny, but they really don't do all that much. They don't even blow their noses in the hopes of bringing relief to their crippling sinus infections, for they lack noses.

The Naive Man from Lolliland:
An ambassador from Lollypop Land eats at a restaurant and tries to pay the bill with lollypops. It sounds like it could be a funny idea, but that happens in the first thirty seconds, and then there's about four minutes of the ambassador pretty much crying about it. I just don't understand. I think this is someone's animation school project. So I'm really not sure what they learn there.

Ego from Mars:
Angry green Widget-breed space alien gets beaten up by dogs after crashing a space ship into a fire hydrant. Again, it sounds funnier than it is because it takes so long and does so little else with the time. This had four writers. Features Sesame Street music.

Cheese Rush Days:
This was actually a proper Ren and Stimpy Show, The, but the Nicktoon computer forgot to turn off the "short break" logo and artificial "cinema" framing, thereby cropping the image needlessly and depriving us of several precious millimeters worth of cheese fork. If I recall correctly, this was one of the episodes I didn't like much. While the early Ren had a tendency to be exceedingly, criminally vengeful, by this point he is just a jerk. If you recall correctly, I still like that better than

Badly drawn aliens abduct badly drawn dog:
I think this picture says it all. The aliens don't appear to do anything humans don't, beyond worshipping dogs. Yet more "wacky" by one degree yet otherwise insufferably normal twits who aren't competently-rendered enough to ever look forwards. Hanna and Barbera got away with it for 30 years, that means it's all right if new whores continue to get away with it, right?

Kablam Presents the Gentleman Bachelor Weasels:
I assume this is something left over from Nickle's mid 1990s non-commitally themed program called Kablam. I encountered fanart of them 3 years after writing this page and they are called Fondue and Sniz, merry christmas. So, two cohabiting rodents of some sort dressed in smocks, one of whom also wears a chef's hat, take turns falling over and displaying their Hanes brand Y-front undergarments. I don't get it. There was a plot unrelated to that, but I was too put off by the real message to deem it of importance to mention here. I only saw it one time before I had committed to these stupid write-ups so there is, as on past occasions, no picture for it. Ironically it would be comparitively pleasant in this context.

5 infomercials for dentists:
Horrible. The worst. Yes, more so than badly drawn aliens with bright orange cartoon excrement. I can't even discern why. Just its total lack of everything. This is like the Pac in Time of Nicktoon Network Short Breaks. Notable for being made by someone who's never actually seen an infomercial, or even met someone who has. A more correct name would just be "five rules for dentists," but the most accurate title it could have is "watch this and hate everyone." It features a really bad five second music piece that plays about seven times. Once more I don't have a picture, and I'm turning off my screen if this comes on again, but just think of any cartoon greeting card that doesn't have a licensed property on it. It's drawn by that guy. What could be less appealing than grotesquely detailed insides of mouths? Five of them!

I don't know why it's called that. People love to give mundane names to things that look funny. That is, I'm assuming "Bert" refers to the main character's name but if it meant something else there's as much evidence as that. At least it's not "Bob." This display is notable for foregoing the usual "accept people that look funny" message and having the carrot-shaped Bert be shunned by the teardrop-shaped people and go to live with the carrot shaped people. And then it ends. An inspirational tale of finding one's place in the world, or a subtle recommendation for resegregation? You eat the fudge! I saw you take a bite out of it, so I don't want it! In fact this cartoon is so unremarkable, when I edited this page in 2014 to be slightly more bearable in anticipation of linking to it, I couldn't even remember watching "Bert" or knowing what it was called.

With all that done, the stuff on the Boomerang channel is even worse, at least inspiration-wise. It's mostly braindead "music videos" and mystifyingly lower budget one-off modern remakes about "classic" Herra Banana characters like Grape Ape and Top Cat who never otherwise seem to appear on the channel. Thankfully, I haven't watched Boomerang since they cancelled first season Pokemon reruns. Ha ha, that's what you get.

Also between shows, the announcer, instead of just, you know, announcing, makes really stupid observations like "If Martin Mystery is a tremendous tool, why can't I use him to build anything?" In an alternate universe this is his website. It's a step up from Face, but having a pair of robot claws reach out from my television set into my throat and squeeze my tonsils for thirty seconds would be a step up from Face. And I hate Martin Mystery not because it's fake anime; all of the new shows are either fake anime or really badly drawn (see: above). I hate Martin Mystery because his show replaced Rocco's* on afternoons the day after I decided I would start watching that again. Though I have since realized I prefer watching it at 3:am weekends if I'm going to be awake then anyway, I still hate fake anime. That's a pretty strong rebuke considering that the only "real" anime I've seen more than three episodes of are Sailor Moon and yes Pokemon. Quotation marks around "real" courtesy of the great "Is Pokemon Real Anime?" internet debates of 1998.

*If Rocko is an Australian wallaby, why is he always wearing those Hawaiian shirts? Shouldn't he be wearing Australian shirts? Don't they make shirts in Australia?
Be sure to ask this every time the situation comes up.
With all my previous condemnation I should admit that this cartoon also enjoys being disgusting, but that is not the only thing going for it.

"Hyurmm, I wonder what page I came here from?"

2006 I say