No, thank you.
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Wednesday, January 15, 2003
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I'm sick of everyone being Greek. Ever since that Big Fat Hairy Deal movie came out (and nothing says creative originality quite like the term "big fat"), all manner of dope have been proclaiming Greek pride. The next time I see one of these people, I'm going to say "I was so sad to hear about Socrates. Were you two close? Congratulations on inventing democracy, though. That was a good one." If we go out to have pizza, I might say "it looks like we have to leave. They don't make Greek pizza here." Before that film showed up, I didn't even know people could still be Greek. I rarely hear the word "ancient" when someone speaks regarding the Greeks of that persuasion, so I just assumed they were all massacred centuries ago. So I guess modern Greece-dwellers are Greek by default, just because they live there, sort of like the Egyptians we have today. Fine. But if neither of your parents are actually from Greece, heredity doesn't grant sufficient Greekiness down to you.
Fortunately, truly being Grecian isn't necessary to claim that you are. As an example I present one Jay Linoleum, who in the past has been both Italian and Scottish. Now he's telling stories about his ker-azy Greek family! So how does that work out? It has long been known that Italian families consider eating too much very important. Well, as it turns out, Greek families are the same way, except they're crazy, in addition to that. It seems that everyone who was Italian before is now Greek if their family is crazy. Hey, my family is crazy too. It's funny, my mother tells me, that Denzel T Washington really does look like Malcolm X-Treme, whom he portrayed in a film also called that. Doyg? That's why he was chosen for the role! Stuff like that is never funny. It's always stupid. Or in this case, crazy. I saw part of a movie once, it was called Hercules (who's Greek, by the way) in New York, and it starred Arnold Shwarzkopf. Guess what, his voice was overdubbed! He was chosen because the filmmakers decided he probably looks like Hercules. Right. My mother also likes to berate displeasing people quietly, but just loud enough for them to hear it. The intention is for them to hear, so why not insult them loudly, so that there's no mistaking it? Craziness, that's why. Now, I've never been Italian, but I think my mother might just be crazy enough to make me Greek.
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Wednesday, January 1, 2003
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BAH.
I can't wait until 2010, because then no one will be allowed to wear these things anymore. You might say that they could just raise the 1, and wear them for another year. Please do not say that. They might hear you.
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Wednesday, January 1, 2003
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That sounds about right.
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Friday, December 20, 2002
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Usually, I can't stand when people post their “personality type test” or “name generator” results as content on their websites. If you absolutely must, you should post it to your “web-log” (someone like you doubtlessly has one), where I won't see it. Recenty, a new villain has joined this Legion of Doom of internet monotony, a scourge known throughout the land only as “Googlism.” It takes a word, and gives you every google-cached sentence that follows the word with ‘is,’ and this is hilarious, I'm told. As I said, I can't stand when people try to claim credit for this sort of thing on their web-sites. However, I originally inflicted this upon a web-site which was not mine, which I guess is allowed, and then it snuck in here while I was distracted by a shiny object. So what am I supposed to do? I can't just toss it outside, into the harsh, winter (tomorrow), mild rain showers, can I? I could, but then I might not be around to see it freeze to death later. I'll wait for some snow. So, anyway.
I don't know whether to be relieved or offended.
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Monday, December 16, 2002
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Yet another long lost commandment brought to light, courtesy of American Sammy.
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Tuesday, November 26, 2002
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Analyze That. Why? I knew this was bad from the first instant I came to acknowledge it's existence. I just heard the music in the advertisement, and right away I knew Billy Crystal was in it. It just had that "I'm really really Jewish and I have a whiny voice and I live in New York and that's my whole gimmick and I also grew a beard so you won't notice my 70's haircut" kind of sound to it. I guess this is about a gangster with a therapist. A sequel, no less. Good gawd. You just know this would never have been made if not for that Soprayano (because you must pronounce it that way) nonsense the kids seem to like so much these days. It seems like I'm just supposed to immediately be interested in anything that involves organized crime in some way. The big punchline in the television spots, the big "clincher," that's supposed to make me want to rush out and see this right away so I can hear the joke in context before I'm utterly repulsed by it due to excessive repetition, is some woman who I'm probably supposed to recognize talking about how whatever she had just done was fine, save for the "attempted whacking." OH, HAW HEHAR! EXCUSE ME WHILST I SOIL MYSELF! You see, "whack" means "murder" in gangster talk, so if you know that, then it's like you're an insider, so you can have a good laugh and feel like you know something that no one else does.
Come on. If any real criminal wanted someone that might be eavesdropping not to know that a murder took place, don't you think they'd use a word completely devoid of violent connotations? The mob would have been rounded up in eight weeks if they just went around bragging about how they like to hit people, because that's not exactly legal either, is it.
Analyze That. I guess that's supposed to be intimidating. Like it's saying, "So you like to analyze stuff? Well, analyze that, brothersmucker." So analyze what? UH-OH, ROBERT DENIRO IS IN IT! I'D BETTER START LIKING IT BECAUSE HE ARM GOOD ACK-TAUR! I'm glad to say I've never watched a movie starring either of these bonzi-buddies, and I don't plan to start now. Ha ha. I bet you really thought I was planning that, too.
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Friday, November 15, 2002
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If hitting a toad is wrong, I don't want to be right. To quote one Shredder, “It feels so good...to be so bad.”
SOME PERSON (though not a Tasmanian this time) brought this to my attention. “According to this, it IS good to hit a toad!” I was told. Upon investigating the linkage, I noticed that there is a stick involved with the described process. I have since come to realize that, morally, hitting a toad isn't bad, it just isn't a good idea if you're improperly prepared, because, you see, they're very vicious creatures. I'm glad we were able to clear that up.
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Friday, November 1, 2002
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What exactly is going on here? How are these pop-tarts at all Simpson-like? Oh, I see. The pop-tarts are yellow, because the Simpsons have yellow skin, I guess. So I am left to ass-u-me that these are made from the sugary, processed, rectanglefied flesh of the Simpsons. There are only five Simpsons, as far as the box will tell, hence the “limited edition” status of the product. Yes, it all makes sense now. Bonus: If you're not hungry already, please note that they bleed when you bite into them.
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Wednesday, October 30, 2002
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Under pressure from the FDA, Welches is finally forced to reveal their secret ingredient.
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Tuesday, October 15, 2002
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Sure, the Bat-man, surrrre. No one gets BATMAN COMICS for free, especially the Bat-man! Unfortunately, even if the Make-a-Wish Foundation was able to come to any sort of agreement with the DC company, THE COMICS CODE AUTHORITY would never APPROVE! So it seems dying billionaire superheroes will just have to pay like everyone else if they ever feel the need to read about the brightly-colored, excessively self-narrated adventures they've already had.
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Monday, October 7, 2002
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Lee Ann Womack is multi-talented. You see that small print below the picture? Isn't that absolutely fantastic? Country Music Star and Sparkle User. Ehhh. Do you think if she somehow loses all the excess money you get not only from singing professionally, but also whoring for paper-towel companies, that this will show up on the resume she presents when trying to get a *real* job after the fame has passed? I can just imagine it... Previous Employment: Country Music Star—Sparkle User. At least Sparkle has their priorities in order. I can only imagine the public relations fiasco that would've resulted had the caption read "Sparkle User—also Country Music Star." Cripes. Does Sparkle makes toilet paper too? Have we entered an age where we're expected to choose what we use to somethingsomethingsomethinghmmm just because the honorable Judge Reinhold uses it too? I hope so. Judge Reinhold is a funny name.
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