Saturday, June 1 I shall have none of that processed tree blood on my pancakes! Experts have determined the only true, surefire method for preventing dog attacks: I never want to scan out of a newpaper again. Friday, May 24 This is an egg. This an egg being fried. Any questions? I couldn't be here on the twenty-third because I was beaten slowly and passionately by CESAR, infuriated that I foiled his counterfeiting scheme. Just so you know. HAPPY BORTHDEE FROM CESAR N ALL THE ZAN-E KRA-Zs DOWN @ BEYOND INFINITY BBS 3.5 GB CD-ROMs ONLINE GAMES 9600-28.8K (416) 248-8179 note: If the twenty-third was not your birthday, just return your ticket for a free chance to win another ticket, which you may keep returning until you stop getting it back, and whatever day that occurs on shall become your new birthday. Sunday, May 19 The fat man looked excited, like he'd really hit the jackpot by finding that big blue jar. In my opinion, if you need a disclaimer to tell you that this dollar bill is less than authentic, then you deserve to be ripped off. Slowly and passionately. Monday, May 13, 2002 I am full of the revolutionary fervour! Bad Ozzy Osbourne Impressions Up 37000% Since March   Above: This image is much too big. The number of wretched Ozzy Osbourne impressions has risen to all time highs over the past two months, official sources reported Thursday. "It's truly amazing what we're seeing," says U.S. Secretary of Terrible Celebrity Impersonations Will Sasso. "At our estimation there are currently at least 1165450 insufferable jackasses who insist on burdening those around them with awful Ozzy voice imitations, and that's not even including foreign countries, like Canada." Added Sasso, "Sharon!" Noted expert Jope Messiliphux explains, "most people have a hard time acknowledging that they don't actually sound the way they think they do. I'm glad I don't have that problem. Listen to this. Sharon! The bloody dogs are crapping all over the- Sharon! Sharon! Ha ha ha, I'm so cool." Ozzy Osbourne could be reached for comment, but no one could understand a goshdarned word he was saying. Friday, May 3, 2002 Here we see midget Jon Stewart, ironically, taller than regular Jon Stewart The internet has been under construction for a good seven or eight years now. When will it be finished? It's those union workers, I tell you. Why can't we get some Mexicans on this project? There aren't any unions in Mexico, right? Or is there no internet? I forget, but it's definitely one of those two. Maybe if they're really good they can take some internet back to Mexico when they're done and wrap it in a tortilla or hide it in a piñata or soak it in lite syrup or whatever it is they do over there. That should make them happy. If it doesn't, then Amelica can always go in and murder a couple million infidels and make it a state. But this raises an interesting question: If Mexico becomes an Amelican property, will the remaining Mexicans start sneaking into Canada, or continue sneaking into California as if nothing had happened? Discuss. Tuesday, May 7, 2002 If that was true, don't you think we'd see a lot of people with hair growing out of their eyes? A notice to consumers: The creepy sun-thing is not actual size. Ask your doctor if Rogaine is right for you. Professional driver on closed course. May cause oily or loose stools and the inability to control them. Game pieces do not actually talk. Friday, April 26, 2002 Dance party make Waco go away Great Moments in History April 26, 193: Roneldo conquers China Tuesday, April 20, 2002 A magical bullet made of cheese Wednesday, April 16, 2002 ...or should I say, Agent EVIL ALIEN! pleasereturnmyhat:ok Volcabbage:What? pleasereturnmyhat:im back Volcabbage:I see. pleasereturnmyhat:yes pleasereturnmyhat:i see yoo pleasereturnmyhat:too Volcabbage:Are you stalking me? Are you right outside my house right now, breathing heavily whilst you stare at me from a concealed vantage point? Volcabbage:Ehhh? Volcabbage:Oh well. I can dream, can't I? Saturday, April 13, 2002 If you don't get at it when you get to it, you won't get to it to get at it again Yes, very much so. Friday, April 5, 2002 If you are seeing this, it will mean that I have been murdered. OOOH! MEIN AUGE! Let me help you with your eye! THANK YOU, DOCTOR BRANSKE. NOW, WE FEAST. The End. . . ? Thursday, March 28, 2002 Tippecanoe and Tyler, too Ralph Waldo Emerson is a whore. (Most people named Waldo are) Scary guy from Cheers and Becker star Ted Danson sez: The opinions expressed within this very basic website do not necessarily reflect the views of tripod.com, your mother, or anyone, really. That being said, I'm still going to stalk and murder your entire family. Just... not right now. You know, lazy. TV's Ted Danson Note: the above message does not necessarily represent the actual thoughts or words of Ted Danson, but it probably does. It goes on...