Home: I'm glad I'll be there and not in the audience. I expect there will be one, real or implied.
The show... well, it will be on, because it was probably taped already. The voting will only affect a couple of montage scenes between wretched celebrity displays.
Flipbooks: Honestly, I have no idea, but you have my permission to flip off the people who booked this abomination.
Gosh, I wonder if the mediocre blackout is one of the big moments? Because that really defined the year. At least a day of it.
Big song: I'm guessing big doesn't refer to the length or the depth here. And I'm guessing song doesn't refer to any that aren't, how do you say... awful.
Scrapbook: That's right, doesn't M'donna write children's stories now?
Sweeps: What's sweeps? Is that a section devoted to all the past Vh1 stars who now hold jobs in which they sweep? Or maybe the current Vh1 stars who deserve them?
Shop: Funny you should mention that, as these people are the very reason I wish Nap-stah had been as bad for profits as I'd heard. I mean the real Napstah, the filesharing service, not the weird pointy-eared gremlin playing electric guitar and dopedancing and eating go-gurt all those recent ads claimed was "back" which disappeared before I could truly loathe them because no one was fooled.
Boards: Too easy. Skip.
Radio: Turn it off, please.

Hello. 85% of all Internet surfers are directed by search engines. Search Engines are the super powerful traffic solution on the Internet.
Your web site: http://fan.bobandgeorge.com/fancomics/deccus/deccus.html
can be evaluated for FREE for its keyword placement in the top twenty major search engines. and on and on. I got that today. Today, November 23, 2003. Is it too much to ask that if it's going to associate me with something I had nothing to do with (which, incidentally, isn't even there), to at least do so in a timely manner? I have little hope for the future of the internet, like less than before, when even our mass e-mail robots are slacking off. With such frequent correspondence between us, they are like my only real friends (I call them "Eemy" (no I don't)), and it hurts me to see them in such a bad state.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

The notion that Boswell was a great author because he was a great fool is equivelant to announcing that figs may be plucked from thistles

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Number three, number three; Three banana on banana tree

Although historically the only way to correctly anticipate the success of a Mike Myers film is to pay attention to how soon after it's announcement and how frequently Comedy Central begins airing So I Married an Axe Murderer, I see that Frito-Lay, Pepsi, Mastercard, and now Burger King, champions of good taste and corporate integrity all, have associated themselves with that Cat in the Hat. I do declare, it's rare to see this much commercial support behind a creature that scares children. Imagine Jabba the Hutt lost weight and grew hair to protest that it's just too easy to tell Star Wars nerds from Furrie nerds. An added bonus is this new comparatively svelte figure (more like Jabba the HOT) allows the beast to actually walk around and visit your home when you're not there and... well, I guess if your kids are dumb enough to let it in, they deserve to be abducted and/or eaten, along with that goldfish you won at the Three Mile Island carnival. Also, I'm somewhat glad that I put so many pictures on that last page that I don't feel like finding any for this.

I mentioned Burger King, again... they have something called a chicken baguette now. You probably know what chicken is. And you probably know what Burger King thinks chicken is. But maybe you've been wondering what a baguette is. After some thought, I remembered from my experience with the smurfs, a baguette is a bag with hair. Add some chicken to the hair/bag mix and what do you have? Lunch.
McDonald's too has something relatively new, some wacky, zany, nutty sandwich that's exactly the same as the bland, trite, ordinary sandwich they've had for years, except instead of a bread like substance, they've used griddle cakes. And what's odd about that is they're actually pancakes (or the McDonald's equivelant) called by a different name which no one uses, because "pan," in their mind, makes people think of frying and of butter and of fat and of the reason pancakes taste good. When are customers going to realise that McDonald's's motto has always been nutrition before delicious? I guess such a concept is hard to grasp, what with the taste of maple syrup being baked right in and all. Not actual maple syrup, just the taste of it. Like they have it in a spray can or something. Think of cheese-whiz, except with syrup, but without the syrup. Just the whiz. I don't know about you, but I'm hungry. Or at least I will be after recovering from all the vomiting I'm about to do.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Die-hard fans need to die hard.

No, not quite.

Yes, cut that out already!

I WISH THERE WAS A WAY TO MAKE WATCHING TELEVISION LESS HEALTHFUL AND PRODUCTIVE!

The other day it occured to me how much I hate drinking games, or, at least, guides on how to play them. So naturally, hating myself, I made one of my own, and called it a drinking game drinking game. And then I found that there was one already. So I amended my title.

The drinking game drinking game drinking game:

Take 1 drink if a drinking game says to take 2 drinks

Take 2 drinks if Simon didn't say to take 1 drink, but you did anyway because you didn't realize Simon was a factor

Take 1 drink if a drinking game mentions something which only happens once or rarely in such a way as to imply that it happens all the time and hence would be worthy of including in the game when it actually isn't.

Take 2 drinks if you've only seen that happen once

Take 3 drinks if you truly thought "top 10" was the least possibly entertaining or ingenious mass e-mail humor genre

Take 1 drink if this doesn't amuse you, but you'd send it to someone and not mind them thinking you wrote it anyway

Please die if you've actually "surf[ed] the web for drinking games."

Eat a burrito if all this drinking is making you hungry

Muliply your drinks by 4 if you're the designated driver

Dump 3 drinks in the sink to cheat at this drinking game

Take 12 drinks if you think these numbers are totally arbitrary

Take 1 drink if you had to look up "arbitrary" like I did

Take n drinks if you're bad at algebra

Take 2 drinks if there are too many rules for the game to conceivably be played properly without continually consulting the directions

Take a hike, shrimp

Take 2 drinks of salt water if you refer to someone falling off a ship as "dropping in the drink."

Drink everything if you've read this and not actually drunken anything

Take 1 more drink if you're considering telling me off for using the word "drunken" instead of "drank" because you've convinced yourself that it is I who is at fault and not the dope who decided it was necessary for such minor and insignificant word differences to exist in a language.

Take p drinks if you've ever actually played or plan on playing this or any drinking game

Take 1 drink if you have any idea how to win a drinking game

Take 1 drink if you skipped ahead to the end because of how long it was

I'm sure Elf is a perfectly delightful film which doesn't become completely sappy, predictable and abhorrent until the last 45 minutes, but I can't help but believe that if Tom Green or Adam Sandler had pulled this one, all the critics who seem to be lovin' it so much just wouldn't. And don't tell me Adam Sandler wouldn't have done a Christmas movie, being Jewish (for one thing, I know he's Jewish). If you spent your life working year 'round making Harry Potter products and rip-off Harry Potter products (for the wiser with money but equally idiot with everything else parents out there) just because some decadent fat man says "Christmas is coming," I think you'd be more than a little put-off by the religion which claims to have that as one of its major holidays. Maybe not enough to become Jewish and make a far worse movie about their holiday-like-thing for that month, all the more reason to have cast Adam Sandler in this one. Although you'd need to invent time travel to do it, you'd only need to go back one year. Trust me, inventing time travel is so minor an accomplishment to not even be a plot point. Half the time people get transported back to King Arthur's court to dazzle everyone with their Sorcery brand wrist watch, it's by accident, and when you consider that Arthur didn't even exist and would be thousands of miles away from most time travelers if he did, going back considerably less time to meet actual people nearby on purpose should be easier than watching either of these movings.

Monday, November 03, 2003

You want to conquer life's challenge? You don't wimp, you war. Warriors find the way to how.

TWO GUYS' OPINIONS ON MY LATEST RELEASE Ewww, no, I don't mean that.

ROB	It looks kind of like a sailboat to me.
GEORGE	Sailboat? It's a lighthouse.
ROB	How do you know it's a lighthouse?
GEORGE	It looks like a lighthouse.
ROB	It looks like an origami sailboat or an interracial coathanger orgy.
GEORGE	It's a lighthouse.
ROB	If you would have given me a choice between sailboat, coathanger orgy and lighthouse, I would have chosen lighthouse last because it doesn't look like a lighthouse to me.
GEORGE	The graphics aren't dazzling and the plot is just a standard save the damsel in distress deal, but the action really moves.

The opinions of Rob and George do not reflect the opinions of me or my mammogram, but, oddly enough, Ted Danson.

I have a confession to make. Recently, I found myself watching Mad TV (but that's not it), wondering if maybe, just maybe, the new season's cast had potential to renew the interest I exhausted watching it so long ago. No. After nearly 30 minutes of what I expected, something happened the ring did not intend. Before me was another "straight character reacts less believably than weirdo character" sketch I'd come to hate the show for, but somehow the sheer weirdness of the weirdo character, Frank Caliendo's shockingly not terrible impression of Rod Roddy, was actually kind of amusing. Even his "date" in the sketch, making certain to point out every single unusual thing I was supposed to be laughing at couldn't overcome the fact that Rod Roddy, at a restaurant, reading aloud from the menu, announcing every item as if it was part of the Showcase Showdown, was a humorous situation. I was so shocked and confused to have enjoyed the sketch that... that... last week I went out and killed Rod Roddy. Alright, I said it. That's what really happened. Just to prevent them from doing it again. Is a "Rod Roddy shilling torture devices in the underworld" series unfathomable? No, it isn't. I wasn't thinking. Like I said, I was confused. No no, don't forgive me. I don't deserve it. But try to learn from my mistakes. Please, whatever you do, don't kill Rod Roddy. It won't solve anything.

Thurs-a-day, October 30, 2003

No matter what age, color, or creed, no ever says "creed" in any other sentence.

DADADADADADARN!

By the way, if you're planning a Halloween party, forget it. Everyone worth inviting is going to be at the

GATEWAY MONSTER BASH, bashing monsters, in room 160.

Yesterday, October 28, 2003

To escape bombs, it is better to avoid them than to be nimble.

Last week I received e-mail. Shocking, right? But this one was from Comedy Central('s email robot) requesting, nay, pleading that I watch their new show Kid Notorious. He's Kid Notorious! Join legendary movie producer and ladies man who I've never heard of Robert Evans for his adventures in Hollywood. and then Kid Notorious again. In Hollywood, making the daily rounds to the botox clinic, coke bar, ecs-nightclub, pot van and Lysol cardboard box, I'm sure he has simply spectacular adventures —IN HIS MIND. Let's hope he remembers them to tell us if his personal medical staff succeeds in reviving him.

You received this message because your email was registered at a Comedy Central website.
A Comedy Central website. As if to say "in cased you missed it, we're an evil corporate network now."

I've never gotten e-mail commanding me to watch their other shows, just this one, and just now. They must think the same thing of it I do. This was a tactical move, because out of all of their terrible new shows, if I was forced at The Point to watch one of them, indeed, this is the one I'd least likely choose. The last time I got e-mail from Comedy Central was three years ago, when I had a different e-mail address. So I certainly must give them credit for finding me, and to show that I appreciated their devotion, I waited a few seconds before unsubscribing from the list three times.

But I don't think they have any reason to worry, the central made certain Notorious K.I.D. starts this Wednesday, October 22 at 10:30PM| 9:30C - right after an all-new South Park. Right after South Park, with the reasoning that the thing bringing people back to South Park was the brilliant, laborious animation, and that they will likely watch other shows, any shows, that look like they too were made with colorforms.

Please do not reply to this message....beotch, it stops short of saying.

A life so unbelievable, it had to be animated, says this e-mail ad, consistent with one they show on the tv, except without the construction paper figure saying "you bet your ass it is."
. . . . . .
Huh. I doubt it. If your catch-phrase includes the word "ass," whether in reference to deposits of upper leg fat or a retarded pun on a certain goat like creature's name after tricking yourself into thinking you'd tricked me into thinking you meant the other "ass" when allegedly you didn't but fully intended me to believe you did that I was sick of hearing before I ever heard it, you are an unoriginal and completely typical being; wholly believable. Back in the e-mail, is shown this large headed man-figure with two unnamed large headed women-figures together in some kind of impractically shaped bathtub. There's a difference between not being believable and looking fake.

Gosh, how could Comedy Central have been crazed and daring enough to make a show about people whose core life goals are to do sex things? (alright, maybe "goal" is not the best word for someone obviously stoned out of his mind) Such a hard time I have believing this! I'm surprised NBC doesn't sue them over its similarity in that area to the vastly original and recently cancelled show everyone's talkin' about, Coupling, or indeed every other show on their or any channel.

Next week, I see Cabbage Patch Kid Notorious is having soup with someone who looks kind of like Howard Stern. Well, I've seen soup, and I've seen people that look like Howard Stern. Even before the ad. I believe they exist. I think comcent just couldn't afford any real soup, having started and cancelled so many shows recently, and decided to plan the whole deal around that. (I assume the shows have been cancelled, surely I'd otherwise have heard ad switchchannelum how smart and/or sexy Gorbo Magazine thinks The New Man Show is, guaranteeing it to remain on-air without viewers for at least two more weeks after I type this) "This is the best Fooop soup I've ever tasted," Kidz Bop Notorious sez during whatever I was talking about before the parentheses. Hilarious line, I know. It's just such a shame that after so many years on basic cable, no one from the funny channel has ever watched it, because surely by now one of them would have realized that swearing doesn't get broadcast, especially not in advertising for the show. When I upload a page here and forget one of the pictures, or even type a sentence and a word out, that makes me look like a moron, and I do this for free. SeeCentral would do less badly to not write profanity into the script at all. Even if there wasn't a person in their employ whose job it was to take that stuff out, I can believe people actually swear. Unless the guy is revealed to be 5000 jelly beans in disguise within the half-hour, or even stranger, the legitimately notorious Kid Vid, I don't see the point.

I'm not anti-cartoon, really. I like Popeye. Not even the knowledge that Robin Williams was chosen to star in a feature film adaption of it or this have changed my mind, so I'm probably not biased. Why, even several weeks ago, I started a project with Flash. Me, who hates it. Don't worry, I'm horrible at it. I suffered with it, and pledged that, had I paid for it, I would definitely be demanding to have my money back. But I deal with it, for it is my quest to participate in every internet "entertainment" genre badly. Although I won't show what I'm doing, because I don't need the pity yet, I will show what I did in the first 15 minutes while trying to figure the program out.

Where's my show?

The day Carrot Top comes to the careerbuilder.com Oakdale Theatre, October 24, 2003

All this over a bag of soup

October 24 is a very special day. That's the day Carrot Top comes to the careerbuilder.com Oakdale Theatre. It gives me a special feeling to know we got our own special seperate but equal announcer just to say that part. I've never been to the Oakdale Theatre, and I'll never go to careerbuilder dot com, so the name is apt. Anyhoward, if you go to either one expecting to see both of us, I'm afraid you're outside of the luck.

I have never known of a time when people did not hate this man. Some of his 4th grade arts and crafts projects are quite ingenious, I'll admit, but most of them are ungenious. Even the Tonight Show audience won't laugh at some of them. This is a crowd that none can match when pity is the contest, and yet Carrot Top can't get a whole lot of it. Richard Simmons won't even admit they're related. You might not believe me, but if you ever get the chance and try asking, Richard Simmons will surely deny it. I knew Mr. Top was to be hated even before I knew who he was or what he'd done. Historically, only Hitler and warlocks have ever had that power. All I knew was that he was named after the thing I least liked to be called back in the day, and was grateful for the injunction his lawyer sent along. I contemplated liking Carrot Top until I started meeting the sort of people who already did. I long believed their revulsion generating qualities had saved me, but this recent turn of events has made me wonder if I should rethink my position. First of all, not only does the voice-overer inform me that Carrot Top does, in fact, rock (if I misunderstood, I will gladly purchase a Carrot Top rock), the least likable person to not do anything [legally] wrong I've downloaded roms also makes a dead-on and completely called for by the context Porky Pig impression. Even though this was a mere commercial message, and not likely to last more than thirty seconds, I found myself towards the end saying "I hope that's not all!," surely along with Folks as well. When Carrot Top answered in such a way, I was content, for I felt like I had actually just seen something which that would have been an appropriate ending for. Hopefully by the next show (and many more!) there will be opening credits, a theme song, a studio audience and celebrity guests in that thirty seconds, as well. Truly, Carrot Top is so far beyond talent as to have reset the counter and registered a very small figure.

I have posted the entire length of the ... ehhm ... non-visual portion, because I feel this is culturally significant and that it is my obligation to preserve it, in the event, for whatever reason, all video copies of it are burned down to ash, encased in cement and buried alongside 5 million copies of the E.T. 2600 game. But here's something to wonder about: Do you think it's called the “non-stop” tour because that kind of rhymes with Carrot Top, or because he truly does not intend to stop?

On this day S. America was resurrected, October 22, 2003

Attention shoppers: "bananas" starts with the letter B

It's time to get down to business. By now you know that in using the word "business" I refer to the trivial nonsense that I pretend people rely on me to deliver at timely intervals, that which shouldn't be any of your business. I feel like I'm neglecting this thing if I visibly change something on it less that once per week. I don't like to think about whether it would probably be better if I waited because... that's just it. I don't like to think. I love this Inaudible Cabinet of Indifferent Breakfast Burritos (patent pending) the way most children are loved by their parents; I probably wouldn't love it so much if I hadn't made it. The real difference is that this website can't leave an obnoxious outgoing message on my answering machine. And before you obtain any ideas, no, no one calls me, nor do I want them to. If they did, I wouldn't want to hear their message and in the event I heard the message, I definitely would not call back. So.

These are not people who have food stamps. Button-down shirts mandatory with the fancy shiny dress shoes— these are people who make fun of you for having food stamps. Really. And is it truly necessary to feature every demographic group? I can tell you, if inner-city economic problems are attributable to any one thing, it isn't racial unity.
This is not the Burger King Kids Club (I doubt they accept food stamps anyway; you need to sell food first). It's unlikely that anyone's holding off on applying for food stamps because they don't feel “represented.” No one's saying "I feel left out because of that whole being-able-to-afford-food thing. Curse you, stable, sufficient income!".
I love the phrase "qualify for food stamps," like people are really competing for such an honor. "I've been following a strict training regimen for the poverty Olympics, in which I have lots of children and set all my money on fire; there's no way I'm not qualifying for the food stamp round!" Reference.com (that's the site dictionary.com sends your query to, dope) defines "qualify" as "to declare competent or capable." And when I think of competent and capable, who do I think of but people who rely on food stamps?

Next is an exhibit from the most boring zoo in the world:

I have a message to whoever is responsible for this: No one wants to steal your light.

I refuse to participate in such a cruel and barbaric display. Monster bashing is a "horror"ble practice, all right. ...And to do it on their day of rest is not only savage, it's cowardly. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, monster bashers. YOU ARE THE ONES WHO ARE THE MONSTERS!

Saturday, or maybe it was Sunday, October 18 or 19, 2003

Now you're playing with power, portable power

HAIL SATAN!

I have a pile of pictures of this thing all saved around 1999-ish. Why? Gosh, I hate Danny DeVito.

People use phrases like "hell freezes over" too often. Some baseball teams that usually don't qualified for some championship tournament this year, as I hear it. And... I've just been informed they both lost. Ah, ha ha ha. Yeeah, I think the eternal toiling place of the unworthy has more important forbidden milestones to worry about than something that last happened a mere 90-something years ago in a silly insignificant sport that's only slightly older than that (especially if they lose). Like maybe Arabs collectively deciding "you know, Israelis, they're not so bad." And while they're at it, "hey, I could really go for a ham sandwich right about now." But come on. Baseball? (Oikes, remember a few years ago, with those dopes saying THERE MIGHT BE A THUBWAY THEREETH! and then there wasn't but the next year there was or something once idiots shut up about it? Why can't I? A brother of mine tends to be infuriated by a certain team losing. Angry at them. That's right, they lost on purpose to hurt you. How DARE they. But anyway) You know, Rome was ruled by Etruscan kings for over a century before it became the most dominant and influential civilization ever. You'll never know what might historically be remembered. Why, not long ago, I even made someone else laugh.

Get some new perspectives, or get some new cliches, people.

Sunday Sunday Sunday, October 12, 2003

We Mexicans have big families and many of us drive vans

GOSH, I HOPE NOT.

Not too long ago, this was on some television channel, and I cringed at the memory of the one time I watched it, how boring and unmemorable it was. I couldn't recall anything specific (hence, "unmemorable"), except for three people who hate each other suddenly liking other in the last five minutes and getting into a car and driving away, and me hoping they don't come back. When they did come back, quickly I became very depressed, because if that's As Good as it Gets and I know that's As Good as it Gets, what's the point of even going on living? Nothing's ever going to get any better, so why continue? At least we can pretend the quality of my entries here might improve. I hadn't been so miserable since I heard a person in the house next to mine exclaim: "Look how nice our front step looks." And then I wanted to die.

Just Another Mo-Po Monday, October 06, 2003

I've lowered my expectations to the point where I expect to expect less.

I learn all sorts of things at Cheap 'n Local Kwik Collej. On Wednesday I find out how to say "early pregnancy test" in Spanish, since someone clearly wasn't finding what they were looking for. I may soon discover a fetus after all.
Also, "death" and "ehhh" were mine. But you probably knew that.

That fetus link is apparently forbidden now. Ohhh dear.

The day after Wednesday but before Friday, October 2, 2003

“Kill Bill” is so sharp and edgy I want to painfully impale Quentin Tarantino on it

I saw this a few weeks ago, but was so baffled by it that I couldn't think of anything to say about it. Not even a sodomy joke worthy of the other side of the door. But that brings up a good point. All the time the device doesn't work, those poor walls have to go undefaced. So much catching up our creative and significant, morally competent vandalists will have to do! However, more recently, I encountered this addendum:

It's similar hand-writing with a similar grasp of English, yet the messages obviously come from different points of view. The first is apparently a warning, for the benefit of those who might otherwise have used, but the "please" hints at a personal obligation to the functioning of this toilet, as if written by an illegally hired import worker who just doesn't have the time to repair it right now. However, the second message is clearly intended for someone else. Perhaps our import worker was fired, presumably for also not working, and left this note to subtly imply the pidgin equivalent of "Ha ha ha! You're nothing without me!" Or maybe an employee is not the culprit at all (for the sake of the company I certainly hope that isn't a paid position), and it's just someone who really really doesn't want to use one of the other two toilets in the room, and sympathizes with people who might feel the same way. It's true, sometimes you get attached, you get stuck on one toilet. Just for that reason I don't use the ones in public restrooms (we'll discuss why I was in there some other time). It's bad enough being stuck to a toilet, but all the while you're worrying about what's sticking to you. Ewww.

It should be pointed out that the toilet it self works perfectly. It would receive much more attention than a silly paper sign if the object was suddenly taking offense to having all that stuff dropped into it, and inciting the toilets of the world into one of the less sanitary rebellions on record. No, it's only the flush that doesn't operate. If no other good comes from it, that anyone noticed at least at last proves there is someone, somewhere, besides me, who knows how to push down the handle.

Unofficial Scary Spice in My Pocket sez: WAH! I'm scary! Watch out or I'll scare ya! Let me out of your pocket! It's uncomfortable, I can't even stand up straight! WAH! The only thing that scares me are your bright yellow pants! MELB! Don't make me become an ingredient in the spookiest meatball of all time! 'Cuz I will! WAH! I wanna get out of this pocket! I wanna really really really wanna zig-a-zig-hah WAH! You don't have a licence to hold me in this pocket! Get official or I'll suspend ya! WAH! I'll suspend ya with my suspenders! Then I'll scare ya! WAH WAH WAH! Unofficial Scary Spice in My Pocket

Note: the above message does not necessarily represent the thoughts or words of Unofficial Scary Spice in My Pocket. They're much scarier.

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