I haven't been well lately. This is the best I can do with the topic at the moment.

I'm sick of songs where the verses don't matter. That are just some gazpachopes tunelessly mumbling to fill time. And then the non-verse part, what we've been building up to is also unremarkable, or not remarkable enough to justify the boring part. It's only there so I know which of the rutted artists' songs it is. Often those are the only words which approach being intelligible. These people are so obsessed with formulas and fitting in and imitating what came before them that they just think all songs have to be that way. Yes, well, I'm sick of those songs. There's some radio station called "The River" which only plays "classic rock" songs -apparently, there are about 30 of them throughout all time- and it's full of this sort of thing. Not that other radio stations aren't, but that's the only one I've been in a car with recently.

What am I hearing? Is this New Sensation New Sensation or What You Need (mumble) What You Need? Is this the guy who's coming around the bend or the one who wants to know if I've ever seen the rain? I guess I'll find out in about thirty seconds! And then once more in another 40 seconds.

Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes! I'd never heard it before, and I never want to hear it again. Its only reason for having been made is that "latitudes" rhymes with "attitudes." Even the part where they come together and rhyme is nothing. Yet somehow by the end an unknowable period of time has passed and I feel weak. Listening to that song is like consuming a big boiling bowl of water soup. Supposedly someone called the station requesting that song. And yet my request for a helicopter goes unaddressed. My request doesn't hurt anybody.

It's not good when Oreo Speedwagon's Heard it From a Frennnnnd Who-ooohhh song seems brilliant and epic by comparison. At least, I don't think it is. I'd never heard that one prior to the occasion either, quite honestly, but that's one of those songs that people make fun of, much the same as Mr. Roboto, We Built This City, U Can't Touch This and surely plenty more things I'd rather be hearing, if I absolutely must be hearing music with words in it. On the whole I prefer Hall and Oates to Simon and Garfunkle.

I want you-oohoo.... show me the way. Every day!
Well that's just pathetic. draw yourself a map if it's so hard to remember. I have better things to do than lead you around. Or at least if one comes up I'd like to be free to do it.

You know what song is garbage but allegedly respectable? Sweet Home Alabama, that's some prime trash right there. Its title is the whole song. Just that same series of notes over and over again for about four minutes. And after that I still don't know what's so sweet about Leonard's home there. Does he live in a gingerbread house? The sole attribute he cites is the color of the sky. The sky's blue here, and you can actually drink the tap water (get used to it if you're planning on changing your latitude or attitude). In fact, I have observed in my travels that the sky is blue all over the place. And Mr. Skynyrd certainly doesn't live in the sky. He's like the program coordinator at my Alma Moron, Foundation School, making announcements on an award day. And the winner for bluest sky is... Alabama!" It's just a bad bad song. It only exists to be in bad ads and bad movies and possibly have bad movies that are romantic comedies named after it. Also: We Are Family, a song which has not made a single positive contribution toward humanity.*

Well, how about that.

Guess what I think of this!

The punny catchphrase is definitely stupid. It's no Raise the Woof or DogGone Family Film, but being less bad is still less than good. The title font, besides setting forth that this movie has no intention of keeping up whatever the spirit of the cartoon was, also makes me want to watch TBS for some reason, where the cartoons are a lot worse than Underdog ever was. Crispix, why (other than that it's a horrible idea) don't they make a live action Animaniacs movie? Use properties that were revoltingly self-satisfied already.

Who, that's old enough to know what Underdog is, would have wanted this sort of adaptation? I realize Disney has a talking dog movie quota to fill, but sometimes you need to confront your compulsions and just say NO. Merely the fact that the official movie website is the first google result for the letter combination "underdog," effortlessly bypassing any existing websites in honor/trashy smug parody of it shows that it's not on the conscumption radar. Even if this was done well there wouldn't be justification for such namerobbing. There was no need to plunder the license... in the event it's even still copyrighted. Why do it? To annoy me, obviously. They aren't even trying to make it not obvious anymore! I am running out of evens!

Aside from an awful, awful credit card ad from a few years ago, I doubt the Disney people would even know about it. It made me so mad at the time, I wasn't able to make something useful of my rage and just dropped a worthless live-journal post about it. These days, however, it's as good as anything I'd put here, so

What are those "what's in your wallet?" advertisements selling? I cannot figure it out from mere recollection. I know it is not actually selling the contents of my wallet because a) I do not possess a wallet and b) in one of the advertisements a man looks into his wallet after hearing the question and is informed that he has misunderstood. All I know is something about vikings, David Spade, Thor and an appearance by Underdog that gets exponentially unfunnier everytime I see it. Congratulations, corporation. You referenced an obscure subject in such a non-subtle, "look at how clever we are" manner in a rapidly repeating medium as to instantly sap it of all humor value. That might even be for a different product or service I cannot now specifically identify.

It's hard enough for me when these flash in the pan punch in the brain garbage can meant-to-be-forgotten remakes – eh excuse me, re-imaginations – are happening to stuff that had no significance to me, like Starsky and Hooch and the Honeymoonerses, but I used to watch and enjoy Underdog, and quite honestly don't see where it fits into this gross scheme (nor Inspector Gadget, but at least that was from the 1980s). I remember when some polician guy maybe fifteen years ago made an advertisement where he said he was the underdog and how confused I got. The cartoon may not even have been any good, but that's not the point. So what's the point? I think there are a few rogue gangs of billionaires who should have to answer that question before I do. I suppose I should be glad Art Clokey not only didn't die yet but held on to enough of his Gumby money to whore it up on his own terms and in a recognizable form.

Who is the voice of Underdog? It turns out, that job goes to none beside Jason "My name is Ew" Lee, who I never thought was disgusting before he grew a mustache. I don't know if he does a good job. I doubt it, but I don't know. It turns out sometimes my assumptions are wrong. It turns out they usually aren't, but it turns out I'm more likely to act on the wrong ones. That's karma for ya!

I will cut off my scalp and mail it along with a letter of submission to Michael Eisner or Hooch or whoever it is now if I see this movie and it ends without a single piss joke. The preceding sentence was brought to you by Underdog's PG rating, "for rude humor, mild language, and action." Although the Underdog trailer was not accounted for, I correctly anticipated the imminence of the Shwreck 3 preview in a theater earlier today entirely by its PG justification, "crude humor and swashbuckling action" and was able to escape before any cringes had set in. I heard a single HEY NOW! right before I got through the door, almost as if it saw me leaving, knew it had failed and decided to protest my tactics.

I bet Disney people saw the credit card ad and thought "wow! Look at how horrible that short little ad is! Imagine if we made a whole 2 hour movie which was that horrible! And it had that character in it!" In the movie, rather than being free, Underdog is the legal property of some dopey kid, who of course can't tell anyone, because it wouldn't be an "original" Disney plot line if there wasn't some kid who had to lie to his parents about something. I bet he tells his all his hoodlum friends, though.

They followed up the movie about the kids who lie about the mummy that came to life with the movie about the kids who lied to get into the cheerdancing competition. I wish I didn't know that, but I do, so I might as well note my observation of the theme. There are also more than should be allowed movies/TV serieses about dopey kids who hide space aliens, but not every single one of those was a Disney project, so I won't mention them. At least with ALF the whole dopey family was in on it.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch, which aired under Disney occupation of the ABC channel, with rare exception featured weekly examples of Sabrini using magic powers (which she already had to pretend didn't exist) to solve a problem, lying about it and learning a lesson, which, ideally, she would have forgotten in time to lie in the next episode. The writers actually inserted a new character toward the end whose exclusive task it was to follow Sapristi around and make sure she learned lessons, because I guess the High Council was running out of reefer magic points to cast the "everyone on earth goes back in time to right before Sabrindle used magic in public" spell. Also, I think the talking cat was the only black person on the show prior to that.

Bimshwel: five years of ehhh.

There's no need to present a "best of" retrospective because just about everything is accessible from the side of the page, and surely plenty of it is not very good. Also, I regularly refer to old things regardless of their merit. So the anniversary celebration ends right here, I guess. The remainder of this text will be appropriately pouty and unprofound.

This site is officially old enough that if I weren't me and found an old page while searching for something, and then ended up at the front page and saw today's date ("today" being Friday, May 11, as I already told you), I'd be too afraid to even attempt reading the immense backlog of entries. DO NOT BE AFRAID! I WILL WAIT FOR YOU! THERE ARE SOME GOOD THINGS HERE!

Did it bother me when websites I know to have existed for less than a month regularly got more exposure than I did? Yes. Did I complain about it? Yes. Was that part of the problem? It had better not have been, since I certainly couldn't have been doing that before it happened. And whoever said "well, I was GOING to look at that site again, but then I saw that the writer gets upset when people don't come back, so I didn't" ...well that's just fickle. I'll definitely be telling that person off when it returns.

I doubt I have five other years of this left in me, that's a sure thing. Not at the current rate, anyway. There was a time when it was enough to type up what I thought was a good point, make it available and not worry how much time passed between each time I did that, nor who besides me saw it. I would like to try that again. Lately, aw ban, for the past two years, this whole business has bred a considerable amount of paranoia and something occasionally resembling jealousy. Those things are not good. I'd like to thank a few people, but I'd like to scream at more of them. I'd like not to like that.

I acknowledge that the website just hasn't been as decent as ever since I've been devoting time to those stupid comics. And yet, before I was doing that, I couldn't stand that I wasn't. That will not stop soon.

Ah, hmmm, let's see, and all that sort of thing, what else is bad? Unrelated to the suffering of people besides myself, that is. Typhoons, earth quakes, what are those?

In fact, doilies have been partner to alarmingly few non-heinous deeds throughout history.
1919: The Treaty of Versailles was rumored to have been drafted on a doily.
1997: Noted serial killer Alberto Falcone left doilies at the scenes of his crimes.
2004: Heralded stage actor Ian "Mad Dome" Cunningsalami was reportedly so ashamed of appearing in Jope and Some Dopes as to have been driven to doily addiction.
1963: Disputes over a fourth gun shot fired at U.S. president John Kennedy arose due to the gun's sound being muffled by a doily.
1996: Following the arrest of alleged unibomber Theodore Kaczynski, a doily was found among his possessions.

That's just a bad sentence. I wish I had not heard it. Because now I have to do this.

You might say that more people rated Direct TV's picture quality well than people who rated cable's picture quality well, but I doubt that's even the case. I have a satellite dish based system... I thought when you had those you could get any channel in the world as long as you could find the signal, but apparently there are different brands which allow you to have different pre-chosen assortments of largely domestic and superfluous channels through decisions based on business politics, blind dart throws or old fashioned scumminess. Home Box Office and its cronies still get to charge extra money for themselves. Some premium channels cannot even be ordered if you want them, and as for why I refer you to the reasons already cited. But more on that later, if I remember. Oh my mop, could we have one day or preferably many days this week where there's not some jet-engined garden tool, saw mill machinery, industrial strength construction vehicle or dork with a whistle right outside my house?! Could this noise please stop? You people live in this town for less than a third of the year! Quiet up!

Ehhh, aside from the occasional annoying mpeg-like artifact on the screen, I can't visually tell the difference between dishwork and the confederation of doohickeys commonly collectively referred to as "cable." Beside that this requires more cables. Strictly picturewise, yea, the slight degradement is nothing to fuss about. If Direct V doesn't have that, and I'm sure it does, but if it doesn't, that's still no reason to change from what I currently have. It's not that important. But then, up until a year ago I had to fix an antennus in just the right position through my window to even get most local channels. Also, I'm apparently still bitter about that.

Did more people vote Direct EV's picture quality superior to cable THAN people who voted Dish Network's picture quality superior to cable? When was this election held? Why did I not hear about it? And could a viewer really have an objective opinion without owning both at the same time? You're here to tell that some affluent aristocratic nutkin who pays monthly fees for multiple, already grossly overpriced, underfunctional-by-design television systems, and presumably owns high-definition sets for each, on which there is a discernable difference, prefers one's clarity to the other, and also that this is a big enough difference to make a difference? And I'm supposed to trust the opinion of someone that far removed from rational existence? Well I don't! Even less so considering the messenger:

Go now! Get Direc TV. Then I take clothes off.

Get goin', man, go! Get_out_of_here!

If we even consider for a second that some dopey kid might buy a whole new television service provider just because a pre-recorded professional nudist who can't speak proper English, probably working out of Thailand against her own will anyway said to, then I imagine the next step of the process would go something like this:

Hey mom? Skip and Buddy and me were watching porn together and
Oh God no! My son is gay!
No! It was straight porn and we were fully clothed and unaroused!
So... you're trying to tell me you're gay?
The lady hadn't stripped yet! She says we have to get direct tv first!
Okay, you're watching dirty movies, getting high, AND gaying it up with your no good loser friends in my house?
MA! Can we just get Dirrec TV?
Ahhh, no.
But it's poooooorrrrrrrn!

and on and on. Who comes up with these things? I'm ashamed just from coming up with the epilogue, and I didn't film it or pay anyone.

Kids learn more watching septic shasta like Code Ryoko or The Proud Family or A Pup Named Scooby Doo just because there's always the slight chance someone will accidentally hit the wrong button, turn on the Discovery Channel and see Africa or C-Span 2 and hear a word with 4 syllables.

Even a lot of post-preschool education is garbage. I remember, in my fourth grade, all students were required to use a learn to type program, Type to Learn. I ignored the finger placement and pressed the buttons however I felt like it. After a few "lessons" of that I got seriously annoyed at not being allowed to play Kid Pix and Super Munchers anymore, so I just selected the last "lesson," did that, told the teacher I finished the last lesson, and surprisingly that worked and I got to do whatever I wanted, which wasn't even all that much unless I was able to claim the computer with Sim City on it. And yet today I am typing in English and they ("they" in general) are typing "lolz brb gtg wft kthxbye." How many words-per-the-minutes do I type? Who the fardle gives a clamp? That topic hasn't come up one time for me in 13 years. I doubt it's lower than normal, but if it is, I'm not a secretary so it doesn't matter.

I remember, when the internet was first widely available, I wanted internet. When all those big multiplayer games started appearing, I wanted to be a part of that. I never did, but it seemed potentially amusing. High definition television, I won't buy one, but they're nice, I'm sure. However, text messaging, and more importantly ringtones, those are totally lost on me. I don't get the glamour of them at all. What happened to technology?

I've heard, more than once, the phrase "billion dollar industry" used in reference to the marketing of these. Legally, that's all I need, though I question the use of "industry" in relation to a thing which does not physically exist and requires zero effort to clone trillions of. Sure, a lot of that money comes from selling people "subscriptions" to absurd noises and not telling them their imaginary credit card money is being syphoned out at regular intervals, but what huge business to appear in the last few years, if ever, is not at core a scam or in the very least bad for us? And, and, to even want the noise, let alone to be willing to force all non-deafs in the vicinity to hear it is hardly excusable. The only difference here is that it's all in your mind. And all these grubbies and grebuses with their ear-orbs in all day, why can't they get their telephone noise to go through those, too? I don't want to hear it, even less than I want to hear you talking, pho. That's what you are. You're a ho with a phone. Four days since I updated this page and that's the best I can come up with.

If you can play any game you want on your telephone and you choose the one that's a facsimile of a card game, an officially licensed facsimile of a card game, and you need this so badly that can't even wait to get back to your computer to play lousy facsimiles full screen, then you may as well find yourself boiled in beet brine, because your life has no meaning.

I'm so mad, I'm going to pass up an opportunity to reiterate how deeply I despise "Sweet Home Alabama." And I suppose it's possible Fast And Furious TD Waterhouse is a good game. I doubt it, but my supposition is that such a thing is possible. Surely there's some reason it hasn't been replaced with a joyless, possibly bootlegged interpretation of a more a recent movie which only exists to be recent. Not the cost of producing a new ad, I presume. I've seen flash based kick-the-celebrity-who's-stopped-making-us-money-while-it's-down "games" with more effort in them.

* our hack writer consultant has suggested that "look at porn" was actually the funniest possible response. We are currently discussing the matter.

Even George Bush as a fat-headed child with allegorical tendencies has been done before, in MAD magazine, of all places, also six years ago, and who knows where else on how many other occasions. With most other subjects, this angle being taken would have been unlikely outside Japan.

I know I'd be just as likely to complain about a new similarly styled cartoon featuring Grover Cleveland, but I would, at the li'lest, have to acknowledge the existence of some relatively fresh comedic territory there.

Could we please stop trying to make this Bush man into a lovable scamp? He lets some nasty stuff happen. And no, I don't mean implying that Queen Elizabeth II is 281 years old. Which he didn't even really do. When referencing the year of the United States' bicentennial point during the previous century, he said "seventeen" but quickly corrected himself.

If anything, the president implied that our glorious union is 400 years old. And then he acknowledged his mistake, and had a chuckle about it. So you prove nothing by making a big fussabix of this!

And you've missed my point entirely. But I suspect you make a habit of missing points.

There are things not acknowledged of much greater importance. They're so unacknowledged, I can't even specifically recall what they are at the moment. And that's the way he likes it. No one died, was allowed to die or was reduced to a state to which death is preferable because of this misunderestimated numeral, that is of importance. Excessive garbage media coverage to distract from government scumminess is not the sole domain of pointless celebrities. I submit that focusing on the wackiness of this government's figures is more effective in that regard than ignoring them entirely. I know it's hard to believe, but Karl Rove has done worse things than dance.

I wish my food did that. I wish I could eat a bad green bean and then see TASTES GREAT! That'd set me straight in a hurry. Or anytime I mute a block of advertisements due to trashy edited background music and no end of voices, instead of the pink VOLUME |||||||||||||||| I currently see, it would say SOUNDS ALRIGHT TO ME! The local lawnmower gang would be accompanied by "WORTH IT EVERY TIME. NOMINATED FOR 18 LAWNMOWY AWARDS." I wish I'd just stop having opinions altogether. I can't handle the stress.

By the roy, is the clothed seggual congress of PG-13 movies really all that more absurd than the separate beds of the 1950s? Is that another thing I'm supposed to laugh at?

HYSTERICALLY FUNNY is the perfect caption. That should be underneath every Baby Blues comic strip. Laughtracks, those are old hats. They're yesterday's tobaggan. No one likes those. All I need are huge out of context sentence shards. Clickable keywords, even. I should be able to type "funny videos free screensavers" and see what comes up. I can't wait until the whole of television and films have given in to emulating yoo-toob and start printing an enormous LOL on the screen after something which ought to have brought forth an analogous reaction from me happens. Hey! Go back! That was funny right there! (The song is Teh Ultimate Meatballs of Doom Die George Bush Kay by Fall Out Boy feat. Inuyasha and Zwinky) It's just like watching a movie with my friends, except I want to punch my friends but I'm alone and can't.

Also, anytime the person in an argument I'm intended to agree with says something, my view should momentarily be obscured by PWNED*. (with a period) and then I should see blankness with "YOU BE THE JUDGE" written on it.

*Could someone tell me how to pronounce that?