Oh, like you're somehow better than that dope just because you wear a bowtie?  I will get you both!
Planet X
If I believed for a second that this dope could understand what I was saying and enjoyed it, I would delete everything forever.
By majority opinion we do, but I personally do terribly with them.


Thursday, November 02, 2006
We love to make things messy, just as dirty as can be, and you can bet we'll mess you up, ecologically.

Zeroes: while it is true that i felt the nougatine core / alternating cheese slice layers of its wik entry were unnecessary and even detrimental to the website's ability to be entertaining if you were to read it immediately afterwards, to deem the whole thing insignificant just seems rude. And yet, I found out a few months back that it was nominated for deletion and subsequently awarded the honor. I doubt I had anything to do with it, because I've never had anything to do with anything that 6 out of 6 people would agree with, but I still feel bad just the same. Just the wording of the delete demand makes me mad. NOT NOTABLE. NO DOMAIN. NO ALEXA RANK. NEEDS MORE PUDDING. NOT MENTIONED ON FAMILY GUY OR FUTURAMA. Sorry, you're not well known enough to get free additional advertising like the perennial wastes of space Dancing Banana or WHEEEEEEEEEEE squirrel. And by the way that apology was totally insincere.


And who are you? You're just zis guy. You don't even have a name. All you know is what kind of genitalia you have, and you had to put a blue rectangle around the word which denotes it. Your opinion does not matter.
"Looks like retardeduninspiredjargonwordwemadeup to me." Does it really? The idea that someone who started a website in the late 1990s and moved on from it before Wikipedia even existed waited six years and suddenly thought "I KNOW, I WILL ADVERTISE MY OLD WEBSITE ON THE WIKI BECAUSE I JUST REALIZED I AM A VAIN CRUFTY FPAMMER AND I WANT THE ATTENTION OF THE SORT OF PEOPLE WHO'D RELOAD THE 'RECENT CHANGES' PAGE EVERY THIRTEEN SECONDS TO MAKE SURE THE WOOT ARTICLE ISN'T VANDALIZED AGAIN!" isn't completely absurd to you? Maybe it doesn't have the popular culture pseudo-significance you're looking for, but leave Zartan out of it.


Why, after nearly seven years, do I still mention this? Why can't I move on? I've seen other, more frequently updated video game insulting sights, and I always face a consistent problem. They insist on making constant, exclusive reference to cd-based games I've never played but they assume I have, other video game websites I haven't read, and forum posts I'm never going to read. Zeroes does have some amount of required reading, but for the most part it exists within its own universe, or at least its own cold war fallout shelter. I also don't like websites where I get the impression whoever wrote it hates me personally despite not knowing I exist, due to my lack of familiarity with some non-existent nerd etiquette book. Or if they're not entertaining in the least.

Zeroes Unlimited is like a well made film that gets remembered for years despite numerous long running TV series supposedly incorporating the same elements. I'd rather watch Star Wars again than a full season of Stargate: SG1. Criminib, I'd rather watch Stargate the movie than Stargate the show, and I hate Stargate the movie because it's just about boring old Egypt rather than anything traditionally considered star related.

Yes. ZU was made with a considerably lesser budget than Star Wars, –as the legend goes it was inspired by a bout of unemployment, so we can assume it was built with a lesser budget than most things– so naturally don't go in there expecting to see the Death Star exploding or Extra Wearing a Werewolf Mask. But also don't tell me that due to its obscurity it has less merit than those awful Quizno ad things or the fifth ninja turtle. Because it doesn't. Also, 7000 other "articles" less significant that I don't feel like looking for because I'm not good at finding them. I don't have time for that. Who does? Besides the people who write them, I mean.


Is there the slightest chance that this pining refers to anyone else but you? Or that you do so for any reason greater than your pining to bring a scrap of legitimacy to your erotic fan-fiction?

Also, just because I couldn't find a place to insert it,

Excuse me, I am blind and would like to know what Tubcat is doing.

I propose adding "Venus," the ninja turtle, to this list.





It took almost three years, but I finally saw the mythical Kirby cartoon. Not only has it not been cancelled (ehhh, officially I guess it's been cancelled, but it's still getting shown), according to my sources it has had the longest consistent presence in its programming lump. Even longer than Sonic Ecchs, in which Sonic le Hedgehog, Black Sonic and a bunch of characters I don't recognize cry about stuff. If deviantart.com is to be trusted, there are about 300 of them, mostly named after American Gladiators. In order to be deviant, they must rebel against the website url and be as non-threatening as possible. Also, for reasons unknown to science, Dr. Robotonik has changed his name to Egg Man. Ehhh, it seems to me that Dr. Robotnik is a doctor (hence that being part of his name). He's certified and such. He knows what he's doing. He was involved in the design of a lot of Russia's then current space technology. Eggman is an insult based on how fat he is. That's a label only someone with attitude would attempt to inflict, and Sonic hasn't had that since 1992.

No, we didn't rename this monster to avoid accusations of racism at all!

Just as with partying, you must fight for your right to Fox Box, and I guess Kirby won in the end, and banished both Sonic X and the Fox Box, for the period in which the shows are aired is now called by the much more creative and smarter sounding "4k!ds TV."
Alas, both K and 4 would be killed through any of medical science's current separation procedures.

Dumb Fact: 4kexclamationpointds has a .tv website. As in: www.4k!ds.tv. As I hear it, out of protest for Pat Sajak's outrageous price gouging they were opposed to their website URL containing any vowels. However, due to DNS restrictions or something like that they had to include an "I" in the url anyway.

As for the actual thing I watched that day, while I still hate the new characters,


–Yes, I'm talking about you–
I was pleasantly surprised to find that Kirby itself does not talk, and just makes Pikachu-like-noises. However, Kirby's vocal stylings make the still indeterminable creature seem of secondary importance to the interminable creatures that do talk, because they do that a lot.


By the way, have I reminded you lately how much I also hate people who put clips on YoohooTube? Because I still do.


The yellowish lump dubbed "Kawasaki" (but will always be Twinkie Chef to me) was a central character in the episode I saw, and sounded like the Polkamon Meowth voice doing a Mayor McCheese impression. The now mustacheless Escargoon sounds eerily similar to how popular wisdom has informed me Paul Lynde did. Whether there is plot-related reason for this –maybe Escargoon had just taken in a lot of 1970s Hollywood Squares reruns prior to that episode, who knows– or because the voice of King Dedede, now "dee dee dee," the one in the goon's constant company, is emitted by the same person, the quickly becoming legendary Ted Lewis, who thus has need to exaggerate their dissimilarities is not known to me. Or anyone, I suspect.


Kirby seems to be at something resembling a truce with the recognizable villains, only taking action when things go really, really wrong in the last few minutes. Also, as I suppose I should be glad there wasn't more of, yet I'm not, because there shouldn't have been any, certain characters seem to randomly become Computer animated for no known reason. They will even appear in scenes with drawn characters. Though the "cel shading" filter seems to be on, the result is still off-putting. Don't do that!

My negative reactions may be a result of isolated incidences. I suppose, given the sorts of ads on display, it could be a much worse program (it's preceded by BRATZ, for the love of Maude), but it's definitely not worth waking up at 9 am for. Unless you usually wake up at or before that time. Sometimes I forget that people besides me aren't shiftless deadbeats. The internet doesn't help.


I wanted a picture of the Waddle Dee army carrying out manoeuvres, but my replacement camera, another's device that I grabbed off a table (a table in my home; I only steal things which have already been purchased), is notoriously slow to ready itself for picture taking. It takes two seconds to extend its lens (which makes a quite audible noise) and prepare for picture taking, by which time whyever I activated it is surely done, and there seems no way to have it not do this. It certainly does not have the energy efficiency to stay on for 5 minutes, so that way's out, too. Similarly absent is a picture of Ronald McDonald playing basketball. Alas.


This was the best I was permitted to come up with. I guess the message here is "Eat McDonald's food every day and before long Ronald McDonald won't be able to pick you up anymore."



I think the point I was getting at a few days ago, if indeed I was getting at one, was not that I'm a cowardly, closeminded wretch who lumps around all the time reading the same websites over and over again longing for good old days which were neither that good nor particularly long ago. Just that sometimes I think I would rather do that than further investigate a lot of things that do have articles about them, because I have good reason to believe I would not enjoy doing so. If I am a cowardly, closeminded wretch, the status manifests itself in different ways than that. So there. Here.




No, here it is. Page 51 (I guess) of this. If it seems totally irrelevant, then that must surely mean the other pages are relevant! Otherwise, there would be nothing for this to not have relevance towards! Ha ha ha ha! Got you that time, didn't I!
Oh, hahahahahaha! AH HA HA HA HA HAHAHA! Ha ha ha HA HA HA!Heh heh.



Wednesday, November 08, I guess, 2006
When you're out in the club don't think I'm not. When you're out makin' love don't think I'm not!

Do you think they're as completes as Lunar Silver Star Story Complete?

On Tuesday, voters voted in definitive numbers to re-elect Arnold Shwarzenegger as governor of Calimero. Nice work as always, fellows.




Hey look, another pusillanimous semi-retraction of a thing you either forgot about or didn't read at all.

I've been thinking lately that there have been a lot of reviled musical acts brought to national recognition by marriages. Yoko Onaw, Courtney Love, Cher (though I suppose her and Sonny boy were about equal on that scale, the fact remains they were married) I just don't think about these things that much because I hate reviled musical acts. And often ones which go entirely unviled. I can't say I've heard more than brief sniplets of any "legendary" Neil Young songs, but definitely that last album he was promoting so much without dissent was pretty lousy to my ears, quite regardless of whatever he was saying, and those were just the songs that were supposed to entice me to buy the rest of them, which are probably worse.

I've never actually heard any Yoko Ono songs (or Courtney Love's, but I've seen her enough to know I don't have to), but both the very annoying Elvis Costello and Harry Nilsson, the writer and composer for the most boring cartoon ever made, The Point, performed on a Yoko Omaybe tribute album. That can't be good. But I could probably hate everyone and everything by mere association, so I'm just not going to do that. I know that in more than three situations the people who liked me best were ones I personally could not stand, so you can see how this might make things difficult.

So, since when does nepotism function through matrimony? Since a very long time ago. I'm an idiot sometimes. But less than you think. The main question now is whether Britney Spears is going to be killed by a bullet or a tree. Maybe trees will begin carrying firearms.
"I was on acid and I looked at the trees and I realized that they all came to points, and the little branches came to points, and the houses came to point. I thought, 'Oh! Everything has a point, and if it doesn't, then there's a point to it.'" — Harry Nilssssson

By the way, I've seen that quote on four pages and they all use it as an example of what a genius he is/was. Well I'm not! I'm using it because I had just said something about trees, and the quote also mentioned trees, in addition to being, I thought, quite stupid. So stick that in your pipe and clog it.




On the other side of the "slutty costume" debate, which really isn't a debate at all because indeed 87% of store sold Halloween disguises for female persons could be described in such a way,

''...because all the casting directors in town say I'm 'too old' to start an acting career!''

the child pictured looks not the least bit like the character also pictured. The kid's hair isn't even the right color. It occurred to the designers to include sparkly open-toed slippers, despite the wearer ideally not appearing to have feet at all, but they stop short of even recommending a red wig. And why does she have a magic wand? I'll allow the tiara, since I think the mermaid in question is supposed to be a princess (the bag actually says "Disney Princess" on it, and ugh), even though anyone who's seen the Disney Little Mermaid film, anyone who would recognize the character and for any reason desire to look similar, knows it was one which did not wear that, being the youngest of a [quickly-forgotten] whole mess of sister mermaids and thus not likely to ever become queen, but she most certainly was not a wizard. In fact, as I understand it, she was almost killed by a sorcery user. Check your source-ery material, you ah... creators of the source material. I'm not saying little 6-year-eld mongrels should be shimmying about with pink mussel shells glued to their otherwise naked torseaus, just that they should not guilt their parents into paying $32.99 for the things in this bag and assume anyone will think they look like a mermaid, let alone that mermaid.

Is that nifty square to stand on included?

There are a lot of pathetic costumes for sale that don't resemble anything, but this is one of the most persistent. I've been seeing it for years and still can't tell what anyones thinks they're proving by wearing it. It looks dumb, and not a bit like any thing that exists, or that would be neat if it did exist. You might as well carry around a larynx and say "look! I'm a larynx!" This is as convincing as that. This company responsible is called "Halloween Concepts" because nothing they come up with should ever get past that phase.

''Ha, cha-cha-chaah!  Ladies?''

This isn't here because I think "Evil Jester" is a dumb costume, though I suppose I do, but rather for this reason:


They seem almost proud. While there is a Vietnam war memorial site in the state of California, it seems unlikely to me that a great majority of those memorialized were killed by an evil jester.


Case closed.




This site is as much fun as a real zoo smells.
Well you did, you stupid silly goose. I hope someone throws an iron handbag at you.

By the why, every one of the strips is like that. Word baubles from some point not visible explaining an aspect of the current strip. It hints at the possibility of visible characters, I would hope ones with concerns beyond their existence in a comic strip, appearing at some point, but as you can see "they" were so desperate for me to see them doing nothing that they sent out the banner ads before anything interesting had happened.

It would have been enough if I just hated everything that could possibly be hated about the comic itself, but it actually went and invented new reasons for me to hate it. Otherwise I probably wouldn't have mentioned it, and just left it to the attention of people I also hate, like any web page I didn't make with the word "umiliphus" on it. But this, it has transcended the usual levels of webcomic dumpstertude.

But what do I get if I order within the next ten minutes?
Great idea. Charge a minimal, one time only price and depend on the internet's ability to bring in absurd amounts of visitors and hopefully make a profit without appearing too greedy. Maybe next time try offering a product that isn't a foetid bootful of earwax. "Timer" refers to the javascripty-type things that start appearing eventually preventing the "picture" from appearing until gradually longer periods have elapsed. That is the only thing the characters don't seem to be vocally aware of. Even the "About PsyZoo Comics" page has a "you will be redirected in 10 seconds" ad gateway page. It can be clicked out of, but I shouldn't have to click out of anything. "Season 1?" That's just there to be pretensious. It means nothing. It was worried I would leave the website without hating it. I would thank it if it hadn't succeeded. Although if it hadn't succeeded I would have no reason to thank it. Aren't you glad I didn't present the preceding five sentences in comic strip form?


Hmmm. Gosh oh golly gee, I bet he is related with Demmi Moore, though! And Roegr Moore, too! Actually, I question whether that's even his real name, but that's also not important. Though if I were to try to come up with a convincing fake name, I wouldn't choose one that I was this afraid would confuse really stupid people.


I assume it is a he because men are more likely to be encouraged to act scummily. How many times have you heard some maypole (again, probably a man) on TV boast about prohibiting his daughter from doing dates and also encouraging his son to make sex to every living organism –as long as it's not gay– thereby exmasturbating the problem? Hopefully never, because interview segments are boring. But I've seen it a lot. They also usually acknowledge the irony, and then laugh at that too. And have no intention of being less ironic because men are bred to be scum-breeding scum.


More recently, the timers were replaced with "commercial breaks." Supposedly, a link appears if you click the ad. Since I was going in reverse looking for the timers, this wasn't a problem. I was looking for the timers because I didn't want to criticize it for having money-demanding timers if the person had realized they came across as just a bit reprehensible and so removed them. Right, so I all had a good laugh over that one. I won't even click ads to get roms, and I like roms. Though to be fair, those ads are usually to porn sites instead of probably non-virusy e-bay, but it's all the same if I'm not clicking them.


I can't verify that anyone who might read this is my friend, but I dingo sure have to tell someone.
Most people who get remembered as visionaries, as entrepeneurs, do so either by exhibiting exceptional levels of ingenuity or employing unusual methods for ripping off consumers at highly opportune moments (the latter are the ones profiled on Nightline). I do not expect this guy to achieve either of those. Yes, there are much worse comics online that have been going on for far longer by slightly more self-satisfied online comic people that I disgust myself to even refer to as "authors." I hate them too. You know that! I shouldn't have to say that!



Tuesday, November 14, 2006
What's up, doc, can we rock?

You're a dummy for taking off your glasses and thinking that's a bible.

I really think we should try to limit the number of dummies who read The Bible. Especially if they need a second, beside-the-tv-guide-crossword-puzzle-collection book to tell them how to read it. Similarly, they should not be allowed to keep pets.

Worth noting is that the Christmas Crafts book-like-object is not for dummies. By the way, I took this picture in October, which was an incredibly stupid time to be displaying Christmas junk, rather than in November, which is just a stupid time to be displaying Christmas Junk. While it is a book giving instructions for art projects, which can take time, nothing grand enough to be deemed cover worthy looks to me like it would take a whole month to finish.
But no! Once you're taking step-by-stopstep instructions from a check-out counter issue guide book, to make those things, you've already submitted, just in general, so you might as well save yourself the trouble and time, turn around, and find already assembled, straight from Cambodian children stuff just as tacky in this very same Wal Mart. I believe they work year 'round on this. Just tell yourself they're elves if it makes you feel better.

Speaking of this particular brand of timing, I do like the idea that Santa Clause 3: Nuns on the Run will be out of most theatres before December even starts, let quite alone the one day actually associated with Santas Claus. As for the movie's actual content... Tim Allen's been Santa Claus for about eight years now. One would think he would have had time to read through all the Santa Laws (drat, I just named the next sequel) by now. "Hey, ah, Santa, before you leave, it is my duty to inform you that before the eighth anniversary of becoming Santa Claus you are hereby required by The Justice League to endure the Cave of Trials and become a beautiful ballerina. So get crackin'. Yeah, sorry, I guess. I suppose someone should have told you sooner." Also in the movie, Martin Short follows Tim Allen around hitting him with a shovel. I don't know if it's because he hates the idea of Santa or because he remembers that killing Santa makes him become the new Santa. I also don't plan to find out.

I am surprised enough that it got this far, considering that the first movie came about by accident. As I imagine I hear it, the original idea pitched was that Santa Claus had transformed into a cat, "Santa Claws." At the last moment a member of Disney's One Saturday Boardroom suddenly realized clause was also a word, and in three minutes the new script was ready to go.

As for "Deck the Halls," I am schocked. Shocked shocked shocked. Shocked that no one had made a movie called that already. Every other meaning-devoid line from a meaning devoid, supposedly Christ Massy song has a movie named after it. How could this have taken so long? That is a great question. And here comes a better question: Why did it have to happen at all? The only way I can allow this is if it's the sequel to "Jingle All the Way," which it very possibly is. As we've already noted, it used the same inspiration source for its uninspired title. Although it does not involve Arnold Schwarzenegger as far as I know, it does co-star his brother Danny DeVito. Danny DeVito has the same super powers as Jim Belushi in this sense. Although Sindbad also appears to be absent, I think his character may have died at the end of the last movie when Arnold ate him. That would explain it. (and then Arnold became Sindbad)




Upon further investigation, I have discovered that "Psyzoo" is just one of several generic French-Canadian sites owned by the same person/people/robots collectively known as "Patrick Morrier" who, for whyever reason, has/have signed up for just about every thing one can sign up for promoting it with usually the exact same words about tv production studios and justification through invocation of the preconceptual phases of Peanuts and Dilbert. The earliest mention I found, of Psyzoo at least, and I wasn't looking for very long, occurred in January. There are only 40 strips now. I suspect there were 40 strips then.
A few of these sites came to my attention through the journalistic exploits of one "Phil Marier," who by total coincidence happened to be a fan of all of them, and only them. Phil, a known comic strips lover, tells me about successful comic strips and just happens to mention that Psyzoo "seems to be breaking" the rules. Oh, scandal!

Rice should challenge the Harlem Globetrotters.

My favorite bit of weird promotion so far, though, is this barely English middle school essay on rice leading up to a link towards www.rice-recipes.com. Why rice? It's so mundane. Rice and the website. It's like the picture that comes with a picture frame. I can't possibly imagine an actual human making its goal be to create the ultimate rice recipe website. It looks like what I imagine the example page from the "how to create effective sites to get maximum exposure for your content solutions networking" section of the lifeless forklogan handbook to be. Maybe it is. I reckon those examples have to go somewhere. If this was premium content (and as we've learned they're trying to make it be) this would be like the store brand. A lot of minimal effort goes into creating distinct packaging for all the different "Sam's Choice"s in the world.

Does rice bore you? Do you want to make chocolate chip cookies instead? Well, why not try www.chocolate-chip-cookie-recipes.com? Phil Marier has written about that too, and it seems to be, beyond the Zapit! Photo Studio clipart picture of a fork lifting some rice changed to a picture of a cookie, the exact same site. And unlike Psyzoo, neither of them pretend to have been written by anyone. They just say "all rights reserved" on them.

A third scarred child, destinaguide.com, at least has the decency to use a different font in its logo and dispense with the url hyphens.

Who are Phil Marier, Patrick Morrier and Pat Moore? Quite simply, they do not exist. They are just names from a list. The very same section of that list. I've probably personally received some great offers on NEW OEM SOFTWARE DOWNLOAD from them. Crankshaft, I gave it my email address!

At least Winston's well-organized websites that have many viewers came about because someone else [presumably] asked for them. Riceminusrecipesperiodcom has no reason to exist. I assume it was determined that a certain sizable percentage of web searches are for rice recipes. I'm not surprised; I have yet to enjoy eating rice so clearly we need to keep looking. Mooarrier was not fulfilling a demand; those searchers were already finding rice recipes. They must have been, because rice-recipes.com has real rice recipes on it. Ideally, with enough link dropping, rice-recipes.com usurps the ranking of wherever it got the recipes from (probably a competing company's ad-bait site by now) und so most of the search traffic as well.

Why? Why rip off something of so little identifiable significance? Really just to show ads? Just for someone, somewhere, to get one two-hundredth of a cent each time my browser cache communicates with one? Ah, this sort of thing is all over the place. It's no different than when I type the first obscure video game title I think of into gaegle and 80 apparently identical websites show up claiming to be "[my] number 1 source for" everything pertinent to it, but all turn out to have nothing because they're just code-generated templates, and no one on whatever original site they absorb their mythical substance from bothered to mention the thing beyond the name. Similarly, if one has something, you can bet they all have it.


So I have not uncovered any conspiracy. There is absolutely nothing of note going on here, unfortunately. This is business as usual on the internet. This is considered normal. It is not surprising that the one branch of this venture requiring the slightest bit of creative thought, the comic strip, is made with the least possible exertion.

I wouldn't be surprised if there were other Psyzoos out there. I wish I could convince myself that every gunk comic strip was just a front to sell ad space, but sadly there are people who sincerely devote themselves and only come up with this much. I suppose I should be thankful to their astounding egos for exposing them as human. Maybe machines aren't taking over, but they're sure getting on my nerves.



''Oh good, those frightful lizard things and the horrendous mutilated piece of fruit are gone.''
Page 52ish of This.
Would you believe I don't draw clouds at all, usually? Yih, I bet you would, you gullible slob.

And that? I couldn't use that. It was just a bit too nonsubtle. See, I CAN edit out excesses that ruin my point, I just usually don't (see: the following text). This was an exception because I knew I could instead put the picture here and merely ruin my point for this one occasion, rather than at every point in the future when someone peruses from an earlier point and gets that far. Yes, I expect someone to! Oh, the optimism I have!

The occurence of the edit also explains why what currently occupies that space looks like a quick[er] hack job [than usual]. Because it was.

Yes, so there's already a visual purpose for that panel, and for some reason it seemed to me that the green stuff distracted from that, thereby making itself the visual purpose. If the... being was just walking through this scene, I could use it, but I don't need that. Alas, probably the only way I would have gotten proper use out of this would be if something was walking through it and saying something, and I do –maybe you've noticed– a terrible job of arranging words against backgrounds I like. Ironically, the picture from five years ago was just a blank wall section with a square-shaped window space cut from it, which I deemed too dull. I'll have to do a full comparison of things like that after I become famous.


I wish I was comatose.




Sunday, November 19, 2006
I'm the guy that likes to eat pasta and burgers. You know – man food!

I saw Mr. Lewdocriss on the Saturday Night Living program, part of that. I couldn't see what Oprah's problem was. The rapping was nothing I haven't heard from anyone else. He didn't seem especially hatable. He didn't seem especially likable either, but no one ever does on that show. More and more while watching it I just want it to be horrible because it seems like it should be. Supposedly last week's Paul McCartney cameo was a Big Deal. I saw it, and didn't even remember that it happened later. It meant nothing. But now it makes me mad. You think if you shove a friend of a friend of Harry Nilsson in my face awkwardly for three seconds you've made my day? That's not entertainment! Neither is Steve Martin playing himself. Ludacris playing himself isn't particularly entertaining, but at least I can say those sketches still could have happened if another person portrayed Ludacris. The Steve Martin sketch would not have, because no one minds a feather or a Friendly Fribble about Steve Martin trying to defend his record of most host jobs because he hasn't done anything to suggest he deserves such a record, and it's not part of the joke that he hasn't. As host he doesn't do anything anyone else doesn't do. Maybe he did, but he hasn't recently, so the record is actually worth protecting.

Donald Trump as himself can be funny, because however huge a ho he is, he also knows he's a joke. According to this page, fellow ho Mahir Cagri wants to make lawsuity time against Olympic silver medalist Sacha Baron Cohen, because he thinks Borat is a rip off of himself. However, to effectively pursue such an argument, he must acknowledge that he and his "fame" are a huge stupid joke, which he does not do. Similarly, I think that article may be a huge stupid joke, but I would not find it any funnier if it said so because it's not particularly clever and that's not how comedy works (despite what any web page that labels itself "parody" may try to tell you). You can sue someone for stealing your act, not for making fun of how awful your act is, and Borat isn't even doing that. I think the longest thought the Baron ever had about Cagri was "oh knickers and bollocks, I hope no one thinks I'm doing the boofer and smits on that bloke. I'll be off the telly in a niddlytwink if I get fofoed with that bozo. Prim of a nipple, it's tea time!" If anyone has a case against Borat, it's the Romanians in those village scenes, who had no idea what was going on and were paid about as much. I will personally refund your money if you went to see Borat: Sine Your Pitty on the Runny Kine and all you got out of it was "gosh, seems a lot like that 'I kiss you' guy from 10 years ago. Wish he'd make a movie."

Afterwards from the Saturday NL, myself never knowing if the show will cut out before I get to see the big clock during the live broadcasts, I wasn't able to turn off a Deal or No Deal promot in time to miss the thinks-its-subliminal "save the cheerleader!" voice NBC inserted at the end. Ah ha! I know what that is. That's the catchphrase which usually resides in other ads for a program called Heroes. I know this because I mute all ads and that line usually appears in letters near the word "Heroes," and ads for like-channeled shows are usually the last ads before the show I'm watching comes back, so I like to be looking at the screen again by then. So I saw those letters. Well guess what: I hate cheerleaders. They're scum. I could give a turducken whether the heroes save one of them.

First of all, they all have to be cheer leaders. I don't think there's one Fred from Scooby Doo worth of independent, inspirational thought in a whole chuck wagon of cheer leaders. Also, their existence rests upon the existence of Amelica Man Football, one of the worst balls there is. Basketball also, but since they agreed to let women have basketball teams, however terrible those supposedly are, I will focus on being mad at football. I know there are independent cheer leading organizations, and I know that because my sister Wafflerimpis used to watch Bring it On all the time, which is about one of those, but admission into one probably depends on having experience from high school football cheering, so it goes very deep. I hope it drowns.


Even though I hate the cheerers, I can still tell that what they do is a lot more complicated than the foot ball. Although that was a movie, I seriously doubt most real foot ball games are as resplendent as all the ones in all the movies about that. And yet foot ball gets more respect (and piles more seriously-taken movies). Why? Because the cheerers let themselves be seggually objectified. A line from the movie sums this up perfectly. It seems that the people bringing it on bring enough on that they go to some special televised event for on bringing. A voice that is supposedly that of the obligatory needless tool host oaf says words eerily similar to "anything that combines gymnastics and short skirts is fine with me!" And no one has a problem with him saying that! He pretty much stated outright on television in a movie that he only likes the thing he's paid to watch because of his pubic reaction, else he just appreciates the fashion aspect, which he wouldn't say because he doesn't want anyone watching to know he's gay. He might as well have said "I ain't no sissy, these broads give me hards on! Let's drink some daiquiris I mean beer cans!"


They could wear long skirts, they could wear Arabian genie pants, they could wear space suits, but they don't. It's part of their football fathered tradition, and tradition is always right! It's true that "independent" women have collectively amassed billions of dollars through careers manufactured entirely from their own exploitation, but never twenty at a time, and I doubt the background dancers are as rich as the frap in the center doing less.





These are the rights that matter.  Thurgood Marshall had it all wrong!

"The Best on MySpace," a title anyone can be proud of. And all you have to do is trick more idiots into viewing Honda ads than anyone else! Be the Best Whore on MySpace and get a pair of dollar signs. But only if you're the very best. Don't worry about Honda, and certainly don't worry about MySpace INC. They get money whoever wins.

Is following the words like following Toucan Sam's nose?  Because I had a lot of trouble for doing that.

"Tacky," I'm guessing. Don't confuse chillin like a villain with gellin like a felon, even though they're both "bad" sounding, bad sounding, retarded things to say that mean nothing, invented by pea brained advertising executives to appeal to grain brained average Americans. If you'd covet the title of ultimate myspace profile... that is, desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others, then... fah, who am I kidding? You probably entered this contest four days ago.


Looking for a big break? Well yak off. If you win you won't necessarily get a record contract, and you won't necessarily get anything else. That would require effort on our part, after all. Listen, we're only a global hundred billion dollar corporation. We can't afford to adequately compensate one person out of 30000 for all this free advertising. And we don't have to, because we get legal property of anything you show us just for entering. Oh, didn't you read the rules? Of course you didn't. You weren't meant to.

This is what they'd look like if they were printed on an actual physical object.

All the two winners get is $1000, which is what the two losers on Wheel of Fortune get. No, excuse me. That's what the losers on Wheel of Fortune get if they lose with less than that. If you invested the amount of toiling into getting on Wheel of Fortune that it would take to win you this contest, you'd probably get $50000. Just about enough to buy the two fine Honda automobiles featured on that page. Those definitely aren't being given away.


There are a surprising number of comments like this one. Yes, make a difference, change the world by voting in stupid contests of significance less than zero. Words of integrity from the person trying to win who acknowledges not deserving to. There's a difference between humbling self deprecation and being an insincere, pity-grasping lout.


This is less surprising. I think I may actually be more likely to respect the people leaving comments like this if they are plants.


Style points don't come cheap, you know! It should be noted that standing in the street and throwing barbecue grills at people will also get you noticed.
For all their unique personal style, the subjects just look like cars to me. Still, it's appropriately comparable to the amount of originality and distinguishing characteristics it's possible to put in a MySpace profile. It may be worth the price to protect yourself from the neon soaked streets, which could be evidence of a biohazardous chemical spill. The last thing you want is to be transformed into a hero turtle.




I am so excited, I am as giddy as a gid. There are only two more days until Chia Pet ads come back!

Also, somehow this page of just November entries currently exceeds 70 kilobytes, which is already longer than every previous month's page, and there's still another week left. I predict more cheap updates like this one.





What the frimp? How long has that been wrong?


Hehm, I can see how I missed that. And in just as many places!

That is now right. Now only the page itself is terribly wrong.

This is the page which is not about shoes.

I think I fixed all instances of the both of those. I probably didn't. This must be the only website where gradually more of the links work over time. I would like to thank whoever dared click the incorrect links which showed up in the error log I almost never look at,* but I won't because you didn't tell me like the error message says to. Gosh, I hope I remembered to make it say to do that. I probably messed that up, too. I suppose... I know there's also a level of embarrassment associated with reading this particular website, so I guess it's understandable for someone to desire ananonanimity. That is only a guess. It may not be understandable. Behold, it just got more embarrassing!

asteriskI almost never look because it's always crowded with stuff about non-existant images trying to be loaded by search engine or message board pages I preserved at some point as "proof" of something that probably was quite unimportant, but apparently slightly more important than the piles of tiny stupid pictures those always have on them. So egg.

''CANNONBALLLLLLL!!!''





Friday, November 24, 2006
He was a skater boy. She said "see you later, boy."

My ability to compile things like this is almost enough to make me wish I had dial-up internet again.

They may arrest you for insisting on speaking in those hard to read red letters. tough gig, nnnnnyeeohh!

Why is the word that's such a big problem not the one with asterisks and high-pitched tonal noises placed over it?

Because my emotions don't work properly, I have to approach this Michael Richards problem differently than merely reacting. Now, I have no reason to stand up for him. I never watched Seinfeld once in my whole wide life. By the time I knew what it was and had been encouraged to watch it by someone who I must say made a very poor case for it, I was already insisting on watching Talk Soup and ye olde Daily Showe every night, so it would have been hard arguing for command of new time slots, especially if all I could say is "the ineffective art teacher says there's an angry man who won't sell soup!" Also, I still recall the advertisements for Mr. M. R.'s own television show "he knows every trick, he's pretty slick, Michael Richards is a private... investigator." I should have hated him years ago.

It's obvious from what he said immediately after Racist Tirade™ that Akayay Kramer thought he was just being edgy. He knows that some people keep the motto "if it ain't edgy, I jump the hedgey." The first remark he is shown to make, that which recalls the days of black persons artificially eluding gravity whilst food handling implements protrude from their posteriors (id est: the worst thing he said), got an audible laugh, which the aspiring comedian interpreted as "this is good stuff. Keep going. I am so avante-garde! I will be remembered for this!" It is also worth understanding that the person filming the spectacle probably did not start doing that until it was obvious the whole show was doomed. A popular phrase has been "we don't condone his actions, but" extra context is the key to knowing whether he had an unfortunate outburst due to misreading an audience and being kind of racist or was standing up there yelling this stuff for twenty minutes totally unprovoked because he's vehemently devoted to preserving his master race. I don't think he has a personal manifesto he's going to angrily quote from if he drives his car into a public mailbox, that's what I'm saying.

A sensible person might, but usually doesn't bring up "it was the allusion to lynchings that was offensive," yet the most common headline among the 375 YouTools who copied the first person who copied the video from tmz.com is something to the effect of "Micheal Rickards (KRAMER) says N word! Read all about it with helpful burgundy closed captioning!" There's one person who actually put a video camera up to a screen playing the original video and uploaded that splendid footage. At this point the reader realized the writer had not experienced sufficient persecution to be sincerely offended, and rather than emulating the rage of another was just using the subject as an excuse to complain about people on the internet again.


There are others who cropped it (cut off the edges and zoomed in) so "tmz.com" isn't visible, and plugged their own sites instead. It's hard to think of Michael Richards as the sole slimeball involved here. Some slimeballs, to their lesser anti-credit, didn't go to the trouble of deleting the old logo before putting their own on it:


The original video quality was so badly marred by the editing process that such a step wasn't necessary.

As for the "original" video, at the real tmz.com, their link actually plays on the "aol video" site, which, in addition to not having the full screen feature and forcing the use of video modes which prevent me from taking pictures (bah), does indeed insert real product ads before the titled bit is seen. I don't know if this is for every clip –use of its search engine by me only turned up results for other video sites– or just the really popular ones, but it is questionable in this sense all the same. "Michael Richards yelling at black guys, brought to you by Listerine Pocket Mist!" The only people probably not getting anything out of this are the actual victims of the torrent.


Hi, I'm a total moron!



Hi, I'm a moron for a completely different reason!

Even if that was a particularly functional joke, which it isn't, because confederate money is not coming back, it doesn't work because the punchline comes first, before the video is even viewed. If the video is viewed, one sees that the headline is the extent of the joke. About 75% of the way through this yabbadabbabowtielicious item, after other obvious jokes about George Dubbuleyew Bush and Richard Nixon (instead of "In God we trust" print "I am not a crook!"), the guy just says that description line and that's it. He also doesn't move from that position the entire time. I feel like he wants to eat me. Him or any of the other people who filmed their limbless head-supports talking about this. I suppose I should be glad the only resource expended to make video "'blogs" is electricity. If not for the presence of commentators like the one before this highlighting what the real problem is (and no, I don't mean poor dictionary skills), I would almost feel bad for Mr. Richards. Although to be fair, his deed was certainly more extreme than whatever that "macaca" guy did, and he lost his job because of it.

I'm glad racism is Not Tolerated, but it seems to me like mere words of dubiously serious intent get more attention than actual oppressive acts. Even our All American president's minor verbal slipups are more well known than the legitimately bad things he permits to happen.

As for this contradicting my complaint last week about oafs saying oaf things and getting away with it, it doesn't because it's obvious no one's gotten away with anything in this case. I think adequate public admonishment has been served. One doofus on a stage before maybe 50 people saying some ignorant nonsense is not an international incident for all times. Michael Richards is not Hitler. Mel Gibson isn't even Hitler.

The chances are that if I sought out this clip at all it was because I fully expected to see loosening of mind. Don't tell me to watch, I'm watching already! It's not like I'd assume your hastily and trashily added words were the best part and turn it off. Additionally, while this claims to be "uncensored," it is actually just, again, the exact same inconsistently edited stuff everyone else copied.

With the astounding rate at which recent events are consumed, condensed, regurgitated and consumed again, I'm surprised anyone can remember what happened a month ago. I wonder how many people still remember that this happened. Why, that was almost a week ago! Yikes!




''Help!  I'm being kidnapped by the Ringling Brothers!''
It seems I have to go away for a while. I didn't want to have... that at the top of the page for a week, and so this.




''What do you MEAN Ned Flanders is an ironical character?''

If this person wants to niche his act, fine, whatever. If he wants to be ignored at best by everyone not snuggly nestled on the meathook of his target audience, that's his problem. But why does he have to be so scary? Surely that's not part of Jesus' message. Although that is the guy who makes a lot of his public appearances covered in bronze, dead, nailed to a board suspended 50 feet off the ground. There is much I do not know.
Other Christian comedians making appearances today include Melvin Steinman and Hillel Liebowitz.



Hmph.

stupid comics
page 52. No, really.

stupid pictures V
stupid pictures IV
stupid pictures III
stuppict II I/II
stupid pictures II
stupid pictures I
I'm starting to think there will never be more of these.

The guestbook is not stupid!

In depth
(alas, they cannot swim)

Ludicrous
07-01-2006
I do not approve.
06-04-2006
irrational complaining about my television set
04-24-2006
Dennises are dead to me
04-17-2006
web-tv
04-08-2006
This page is not about shoes.
03-22-2006
I hate shoes.
03-11-2006
something award related

03-04-2006
Bahrg.
02-26-2006
Those Green Eyes again
01-28-2006
More valid but unfunny Disney criticism
01-15-2006
MeSpace
11-EH-2005
Biggest Loser
10-EH-2005
Mall Blandness
07-20-2005
2004 advertisement complaint world championship
01/05/05
Belindi
11/03/04
Mall Egadness
09/22/04
Las Vegas
07/30/04
Spiderman 2
07/20/04
Jope and Dopes
06/27/04
These Green Eyes
04/24/04
Friday
04/01/04
Wedding
03/07/04
Game Over
03/02/04
McDenny's
01/09/04
Mall orneryness
01/06/04
Movies I'm not going to see
11/14/03
Back fashion school to
09/14/03
Movies Make Me Mad. Moreso.
06/14/03
JList
06/03/03
France
03/31/03
Official pizza of Nascar
03/16/03
Browsers
02/23/03
Michael Jackson
2/16/03
Free Speech
02/05/03
Thursday
01/23/03
Doofs
01-whenever-03
NO
12/11/02
Film Critics. I hate them.
10/15/02
Coconuts. I hate those as well.
10/14/02
Independence Day
Some time in July 2001

Video games in depth
(alas, submerging them shorted out their circuits)

Spirou part 1
Spirou part 17
05-26-2006
Cosmo's Cosmic Adventure! There, I said it!
04-18-2005
Kirby part 1
01/23/05
Kirby part 2
01/23/05
Kirby part 3
01/23/05
Dynamite HeaddY?
07/04/04?
McDonald's Treasureland Adventure
03/21/04
Pac in Time part 1
02/12/04
Pac in Time part 2
when do you think?
Air Fortress
07/16/03
Super Widget
05/17/03
Back to the Forest (the skunny page)
01/21/03
Tintin and the Prisoners of the Sun
09/24/02
Bip Bop II
2001, a space waste
Barney's Hide and Seek "Game"
too late to make a difference
Moraff's Dungeons of the Unforgiven
before the one above it
Super Games Galore! Doy!
mysterious

Quasi-monthly arranging of briefer things

The Rest 00
04/29/01 to 08/02/01
The Rest 01
03/28/02 to 06/01/02
The Rest 02
06/15/02 to 10/01/02
The Rest 03
10/07/02 to 01/19/03
The Rest 04
01/23/03 to 04/05/03
The Rest 05
04/09/03 to 05/11/03
The Rest 06
05/22/03 to 07/30/03
The Rest 07
08/13/03 to 09/28/03
The Rest 08
10/02/03 to 11/26/03
The Rest 09
11/29/03 to 12/26/03
The Rest 10
12/29/03 to 01/16/04
The Rest 11
01/28/04 to 03/24/04 somehow
The Rest 12
03/31/04 to 05/07/04
The Rest 13
05/11/04 to 06/17/04
The Rest 14
06/23/04 to 07/26/04
The Rest 15
08/01/04 to 08/27/04
The Rest 16
09/01/04 to 09/29/04
The Rest 17
10/06/04 to 11/05/04
The Rest 18
11/12/04 to 12/07/04
The Rest 19
12/14/04 to 01/13/05
The Rest 20
01/20/05 to 02/21/05
The Rest 21
02/27/05 to 03/24/05
The Rest 22
03/31/05 to 5/19/05
The Rest 23
05/28/05 to 06/25/05
The Rest 24
07/09/05 to 07/31/05
The Rest 25
8/8/5 to 09/05/05
The Rest 26
09/11/05 to 10/02/05
The Rest 27
10-15-05 to 10/30/05?!
The Rest 28
11/06/05 to 12/02/05
The Rest 29
12/12/05 to 12/30/05
The Rest 30
January 2006
The Rest 31
February 2006
The Rest 32
March 2006
The Rest 33
April 2006
The Rest 34
May 2006

The Rest 35
June 2006
The Rest 36
July 2006
The Rest 37
August 2006
The Rest 38
September 2006
The Rest 39
October 2006

whatever else

Awards this website hasn't won
mysterious
Embarrassing pictures part 1
09/17/04
Embarrassing pictures part 2
The same
The Annotated Umiliphus
08/15/03
Hopeless.swf
11/24/04, (I can only justify this by calling it an experiment, so I shall)
sandwich.swf
02/16/05
FACK
??/??/??
Poetry Page
The same

Toucan Sam sez:
Okay, listen. I know you're its biggest fan, and I know you mean well, but I just have to come out and say it: Stop following my nose. You make it very worried. It stays inside during the day and it can't sleep properly at night. It doesn't feel safe. I could get it a restraining order, but I think both of us would prefer not to get the courts involved, right? It didn't have to be like this. You could've... no, listen! You could've written a few letters, maybe asked for an autograph, nostril imprint, mucous strand... that would've been fine. Maybe I could have introduced you two if things had gone well. But this, this is not good. Me, I didn't sign up to go between my client and sickos like you. I just wanted to tell everyone about what I believe is some gosh darn fine cereal and maybe get my name in a few lame word searches on the back of the box. I have enough problems in my life keeping my bloated, sparkly sugar ellipse stuffed sack of a body airborne with arms instead of wings, and how about my brain tumor, ehhh? Oh, like you didn't know. The doctors still don't know if I'll live, or if I'll ever be able to walk around without an enormous, hideous bandaged lump on my head, and as you can plainly see this condition is not only hereditary but faster growing in successive generations. You think I need you and your trix? This is not a part of my complete breakfast and I'm not just gonna stand around and watch you pour milk all over it, so back off, man.
Toucan Sam TM
Note: The above message does not necessarily reflect the thoughts or words of Toucan Sam TM. I do so love uncertainty!

harrassment

Figaliz