A wholly needless, I expect, link to the main page.
Fruit Basket of Misery
Ages 6 and up
February 2007, ho.

Thursday, February 01, 2007
They asked me how old I was, and I said 17, then they said that if you were under the age of 18 you had to wear a helmet.

And yet...


Was "Dogs for dummies" just too vague? Are you so dumm that in order to keep you from getting strangled by your own shoelaces you need a full separate volume for each stage of life for each breed? Do you have at least one of each breed as a pet? Here's an idea: why not actually pay attention to what the creature does and form your views around what you actually view? If you're in search of a deep, scientific understanding, then I suggest a book whose title does not contain an insult directed at the reader (that's you).

I'd rather watch Gumby than read about dumbies. Actually, I'd rather watch Gumby than a lot of things I've seen lately. That show was neat.

Those "for dummies" books are such easy targets, though, since they don't get made unless there's a strong public, dummy-driven demand for them. Much like with cars, the bigger it is the more it is driven by dummies. There's probably an American Idol Voting for Dummies book. Also, I'm sick of dummies who don't personally acknowledge it thinking they're clever for pointing out the vote-off show contestants get more votes than presidential candidates do. Of course they do! People don't have to register or leave their homes, and most importantly, they can do it as many times as they want. It also makes sense to have the show be that way. Who, after all, is more likely to buy every piece of pork with Taylor Picklor's name on it than the co-co-nutty crackpot who consistently votes for whoever that is 10000 times per week?

This reminds me:

Something called Fuse TV selected eight music bands, one of which was These Green Eyes, to be placed in a vote contest. Supposedly the prize is to have their video aired on the channel at some unspecified point.

Hopefully not like this. I remember when I saw the brief clip on my television set, I was impressed at the integration of the Fuse website's own ads into the picture. They cannot even be clicked; they're just there to be spiteful. These people could have filled the whole screen, but they didn't. The contest is to determine who gets the right to be shown like that. It doesn't sound like a whole lot, but there is also a "top secret prize" which is supposedly an improvement on that. Because, I gather, Fuse is aware that the one with the most votes will be a dirty cheater, the actual winner will be chosen out of the top 3 cheaters by official folks.

But if that be the case, why set up a vote contest at all? If you look at the myspace pages (you shouldn't) of each band (they all have one) you'll see they're full of comments like "I just voted for you 58 times! And I'll do it again." It has naught to do with merit, unless you can prove the most meritorious have the most clickedly devoted fans, and you cannot. This is absurd. Do you know what absurd means?

The contest actually ended about this time in January, but a single month's tardiness is pretty timely for me. I don't know who won, and can assume you didn't even know of the contest, so I'll just go right on ahead as if this part wasn't here.

Either due to lack of money or lack of originality, all of the videos were dull. The only ones that approaced being interesting, 2nd Day Crush and Caecilia's are, not surprisingly, going to lose. (At the time, the webpage showed what percentage of overall votes each had recieved. Later, that was hidden.) Why is it even about the video? Even though I've been a bit overexposed to Self-Inflicted in my time, by contrast, I listened, just for the sake of this sentence, to songs from the other bands and still didn't like any of them. Additionally, of the half more devoted to rallying bored morons on the internet, TGE's is the only video that isn't just boring poorly lit concert footage, so I guess they should win. Some of the other groups... actually, a lot of such groups in general would be good if they got their singers to shut up, but I suspect that will not happen. We can't live without words constantly coming at us, can we.

Another oddity: The show's irrelevant host throws to his own video weblog. Even though he's already being filmed in the studio doing the same thing: talking. Why build and furnish the set if this cramped shot of a cramped cluttered public restroom is considered fit to air? Doing this is only significant for, once again, displaying the ineptitude of all persons. I suppose I should give them credit for being the first television show I've ever seen display a computer screen which isn't running MacOS, but I won't, because I'm pretty sure that is MacOS.



You know what, let me get my glasses.




Did you know that both Superb Bowl team ah captains this year are dark-skinned men? If yes, why did you know that? Why does anyone know that? Who noticed that and thought it was worth noticing? If you want to make the case that black people have historically been denied the right to control football teams, then make that; I don't know enough about the topic to say either way, but this is nothing! Are there more good black players then good white players, and so deserving of managerial representation which reflects that? I don't know! That's not the thing I keep being told about!

Are you aware of why, not just in Amelica f'ball, that in contrast to white people, the black ones are referred to as minority? Because in this country there are less of them! Overall they comprise a lesser amount of the total population! Someone keeps records of that, too! And so it is only sensible, if we might assume that the nature of one's skin tone need not be a factor in that person's ability to be hired for a coach job, that the probability of two such persons having a similar type of that being involved with any one football playing session is less than other combinations!






Thanks to my tiresome campaign, although it's too late for the VHS copy (or copies, rather, since it's on two cassettes) in my home, all DVD editions of Scarface now carry the following disclaimer:


Really, go and check. If you own one, it now says this on it. And about time, I say.



Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Something's really rockin', on planet number three. Modern man's got prehistoric company!



You can put as many guys with guitars on a stage as you want (I think I see four here). The song "Surrender" isn't getting any better. Regardless of how far from each other your feet get and how far from the guitar your hand gets before coming back. The song will still have stupid lyrics, and the "heyyy-ayyy" part that thinks it's so climactic still comes in too soon and too often. That song really was not that great a song before, and it's not going to improve if you set out to duplicate the old one. As long as we're on the subject, it's also not going to improve if you delete all musical elements but the words and add fake drumbeats behind them. I can't remember if that has applied to this song, but it's definitely applied. Just make new songs! I may hate them nearly as much, but I'll have less un-respect for you who made the new songs.

Supposedly this band made at least 14 new songs. Why, if only given time to perform one, would they choose this one? Yes, I know that there wearing the big hat is "Slash," akadaka guy who looks like Howard Stern. I don't give three beans in a boat who he is. Guns and Roses was a terrible band and I happen to hate the "riff" from Sweet Child of Mint a great deal, if that's the song I think it is. The one that sounds like an out of tune ambulance siren, right? I hate that I hate that I hate that. I hate it almost as much as the sound Pit makes when he gets hit by an eggplant.


However, I imagine Slash could create some comparatively pleasant noises if he played an electric eggplant.




page 56! It follows page 55. Obviously. I swear this will make sense at some point. If it does not, I will come back to this point and change things so that they make sense. For some strange reason that is important to me, and for some stranger reason I believe that is possible.





Sometimes the terrain you find yourself surrounded by when "situations" arise is inadequate for the statement you want to make. It is with just this sort of dilemma in mind that we have invented the Portable Texas. So thank us.




What will this message say next?

Lard Soup Is Yummy
Once more, in an attempt to not look like a deranged mutant who secretly wishes to immerse itself in the original product yet lacks the multilingual skills to do so, I have been quite unkind. You may find I have not been unkind enough. I swear this is shorter than the Spirou page(s). I can be cured.
11-10-2006 02-12-07
A wholly needless, perhaps, link to the second half.
I think the nipple could have been incorporated better.

Also: features 100% less low-resolution scanned material I stole from other websites for my own purposes. All resolutions are medium at the least.




Wednesday, February 14, 2007
These little children are asking you to please come out so they can play with you



Happy Valentine's Day from Trevor Belmont




Happy Valentine's Day from Kid Icarus

is what I was going to say, as you might have guessed from the more evocative, less at-the-beginningy screen capture, but a quick reconnaissance of related keywords has informed me that this very game was rereleased by Nintendo for some thing called a "virtual console" two days ago, this year. And what is special about that release? Nothing! It's the exact same game! They just did it to annoy me! So now it looks like I ripped them off! And if it turns out that they announce these things in advance, it looks like I ripped them off last week, too.

It's not enough that I don't want to play new games on their new systems? They have to infect with timeliness my old ones, too? I don't understand why, and it bothers me that they can recognize a demand for this sort of low-technology, charmingly (as opposed to intelligence insultingly) un-self-conscious video game, but will not be bothered to actually make any more. For full-sized screens. Though if someone ever starts I won't know about it because they won't be the system aspects that get the attention of whoever makes these things known. The virtual console turns out to be a feature of Nintendo's new Wiiiiii machine, which I was never given reason to assume was anything else but another modern game system I didn't want. I certainly haven't seen any ads on television that say "hey, remember Kid Icarus? You can play it legally for five dollars," and I don't expect to because whoever gets the money would rather attempt to sell me the games that cost fifty dollars! And why wouldn't they?! Even if that changes there's so much creepy remote-regulated stuff going on I still have reason to worry. I don't even like to buy actual objects over the internet, much less imaginary money data which I buy other data with.

I will give... someone credit for putting forth the Turbo-Grafx 16 version of Wonder Boy II/III: Dragon's Trap/Curse instead of the jerkity Sega Master System version I always used to see nerberts on the internet soiling themselves over, but that probably only happened because TG16 didn't have many annoying Mario characters insisting on having their games done first. Oh and also Virtual Console simply doesn't run Master System games. On the other side of the frosted mini-wheat, expect plenty of the NintendoES releases to be inferior ports of arcade games it also can't run. So good luck if you like those, I guess. Or anything Nintendo can't get licensing for. Or just doesn't bother making available.

Am I irrationally bitter over something that I probably won't buy and that seems to be making plenty of innocent people happy? That's what happens when bimshwel is disrupted. Even I don't understand its moods sometimes. Ever since we left Tripod.com and Compuserve it's had such an ego. I fear, for the safety of both myself and the world, that I may have to destroy it.




Does no one else see the irony of something associated with yachts being sold at Wal Mart?


Though I at first doubted it was anything, I have been told that YAHTZEE is a game played with multiple people and a series of upper and lower "boxes" which players arrange their roll amounts into. That is not happening here. When you play alone, what it essentially comes down to is you tossing dice around. That is also not happening here. What is happening is called misery. This is a bizarre mixture of antiquated boredom remedies young people hate and technology old people can't stand. By now few kids will stand for this, either. Who is this for?

FORRRRRR MEEEEEEEE...! One day when I was lost (so lost), they hung him on a cross and also made electronic Yahtsee. So clearly they have a history of this sort of behaviour.





Sure, if you mean that they're so stupid you ought to be fined for displaying them like that. Yes, yes, I am aware of where they are. You don't need to shove them at me.


Nuhhh... who even says that? Either of those things? You have a serious problem if you're getting so upset just because I disparaged the things you walk with. You don't even have legs. Or toes. Or a nose. I guess you have a lot of things seriously wrong with you. If I were you, and I hadn't killed myself, I would be upset about that. And as for your bow-tie...


...it's about as dignified as those glasses. No one respects you for wearing that bow-tie, especially if you wear nothing else. At least your friend made an attempt to dress properly.
Who is "they?" No one but me would bother to speak to you, and I took issue with more than your dumb old feet. Clearly, you know that what I say is the truth, and you subconsciously ascribed the comments which only I made to other people as well, because you can easily imagine all sorts saying it.
Why do I have to put up with this? No one else, I think, I hope, in the entire world has to face such an assault of reckless ridiculousness at such regular intervals. People don't understand what I go through. I have real problems. I refuse to allow a fourth picture to continue this.




Wednesday, February 21, 2007
This is not an episode of television.

I heard once recently that Walmart is offering video downloads for $1.96 against the Apple company's $1.99. I would have assumed that the stigma of using Wal_Mart approved media has to be worth more than three cents, but they seem to know what they're doing. Though the thought of Wal Mart being totally aware of what it does and still continuing to do so scares me just a bit.




Pan's Labyrinth: a web page about the movie called that.
I saw it, but I don't feel glad to have seen it, in any aspect other than that if I had not seen it I would still want to. How is that fair? I am going to speak about it at length, so I think it goes without saying that




I'm so sick of bowels. They always have to be moved. I wish they would pick a place and stay there. Cackle cackle rage eat murder grab stab mulch munch grueh mint mint mint mint ARRRGH I WANT TO KILL SO MANY THINGS. YOU THINK YOU CAN HIDE FROM ME?! I WILL FIND YOU! I DON'T HAVE TO STAY UP HERE ALL THE TIME, YOU KNOW. I CAN COME RIGHT DOWN THERE AND RUB MY REVENGE ALL OVER YOU. I WILL MAKE A POPSICLE STICK HOUSE FROM YOUR BONES! BEATING BEATING BEATING. PAKING PAKING PAKING PAKING PANCAKES BACON RAVENSBURGER RAVENSBURGER HUCKLEBERRY MEEPLETOAST I STAB YOU 87 TIMES AND DETONATE A SOY BOMB IN YOUR PANCREAS. BIMSHWEL RISE FROM THE ASHES LIKE A PHOENIX AND HIT ITS HEAD ON THE CEILING, EAT CEILING. HELICOPTER OF HATE COME TO PICK UP 7 MAD BAD AND CRAZY TOADS TAKE TO THE VOLCANO CRATER FIND MY BIG GOLDEN EGG MULTITUDES OF HASH BROWNS IIIIIII HAAAAAAAATE GRIIIIIIIITS!
Consider this a warning.




The 7xth annual oscar awards are on Sunday, but what about my 23rd annual total indifference? Why isn't anyone reporting on that? If you think that's impressive, were you aware that not incredibly long before that I was totally indifferent toward the grammy the awards too? Also, less than a few weeks ago, I didn't watch my 23rd consecutive Super-Bowl. Excuse me, my XXIIIrd. That shows dedication. Hey, though this is American Idol's 5th season, it is also my fifth season of not watching American Idol. Five years, that's a long time. It might even be six. And do you know how many years I didn't watch Friends? All of them! No one gives me any credit. I also haven't watched Boston Public, Four Kings, Numbthreers, Primer Impacto, Fraggle Rock, the Real Adventures of Johnny Quest and Townies. I have accumulated an estimated 72 million hours of television not watched. That is unprecedented in my life. Do you have any idea what it takes to not find out when these things are on and not watch them? Gumption. Sometimes I just stare at a deactivated television set in thirty minute installments to intimidate it. It knows better than to try anything. Hey, remember Party of Five? I don't! All I know is that there's a party of one right here which observes all local noise ordinances. I think there is some orange soda downstairs, but I won't be drinking any because I drank some yesterday, and I try to take these things in moderation. BANZAI! If you need me I'll... oh, all right, then.

Ha ha, I don't need a self-illuminating rectangle to solve my problems. My computer screen, for example, is a triangle. You'd be surprised how having a fork stuck puncturing your skull gets in the way, even after the pain has subsided.




The next update will probably be about apples.

What the skint? The thing I wrote two days ago wasn't here? Water balloons to that. That isn't the sort of thing that had two days worth of thought put into it. There's no excuse for it now.



Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Sunday Monday, Tuesday Wednesday, Barney's Birthday... BARNEY'S BIRTHDAY?!


Apple, if you're such an important part of lower-North American culture, why is your most acclaimed and heralded representative a hobo who wears a pot on his head?

Apple, your skin's so red, I want to steal your land.

Apple, your center is so inedible, it makes me want to gag.

Apple, your exterior is so shiny, it reminded me of R.E.M.'.s Shiny Happy People, and a lot of people hate that song.

Your mother was a tree.

You're so round, I thought we were in a boxing match and I punched you.

Your crops are so unsubsidized, it would be more profitable to grow corn.

If you have so much fiber, why are there are pictures of oranges on all the fiber supplements?

Apple, you're so prone to biennial bearing, I could just cry.

Apple, you're so pomaceous, I thought you said "promiscuous" and I sold you into sexual slavery.

Apple, you're so wet when I bite into you, I need to have a napkin or a paper towel handy, and that's just not sanitary.

This message brought to you by



earlier    later

Hmph.

stupid comics
page 56. How about that.

stupid pictures VI
stupid pictures V
stupid pictures IV
stupid pictures III
stuppict II I/II
stupid pictures II
stupid pictures I
A-whuh?

The guestbook is not stupid!

In depth
(alas, they cannot swim)

Cartoons
12-10-2006
Ludicrous
07-01-2006
I do not approve.
06-04-2006
irrational complaining about my television set
04-24-2006
Dennises are dead to me
04-17-2006
web-tv
04-08-2006
This page is not about shoes.
03-22-2006
I hate shoes.
03-11-2006
something award related

03-04-2006
Bahrg.
02-26-2006
Those Green Eyes again
01-28-2006
More valid but unfunny Disney criticism
01-15-2006
MeSpace
11-EH-2005
Biggest Loser
10-EH-2005
Mall Blandness
07-20-2005
2004 advertisement complaint world championship
01/05/05
Belindi
11/03/04
Mall Egadness
09/22/04
Las Vegas
07/30/04
Spiderman 2
07/20/04
Jope and Dopes
06/27/04
These Green Eyes
04/24/04
Friday
04/01/04
Wedding
03/07/04
Game Over
03/02/04
McDenny's
01/09/04
Mall orneryness
01/06/04
Movies I'm not going to see
11/14/03
Back fashion school to
09/14/03
Movies Make Me Mad. Moreso.
06/14/03
JList
06/03/03
France
03/31/03
Official pizza of Nascar
03/16/03
Browsers
02/23/03
Michael Jackson
2/16/03
Free Speech
02/05/03
Thursday
01/23/03
Doofs
01-whenever-03
NO
12/11/02
Film Critics. I hate them.
10/15/02
Coconuts. I hate those as well.
10/14/02
Independence Day
Some time in July 2001

Video games in depth
(alas, submerging them shorted out their circuits)

Marsupilami part 1
Marsupilami part 2
02-12-2007
Spirou part 1
Spirou part 2
05-26-2006
Cosmo's Cosmic Adventure!
04-18-2005
Kirby part 1
Kirby part 2
Kirby part 3
01/23/05
Dynamite HeaddY
07/04/04
McDonald's Treasureland Adventure
03/21/04
Pac in Time part 1
Pac in Time part 2
02/12/04
Air Fortress
07/16/03
Super Widget
05/17/03
Back to the Forest (the skunny page)
01/21/03
Tintin and the Prisoners of the Sun
09/24/02
Bip Bop II
2001, a space waste
Barney's Hide and Seek "Game"
too late to make a difference
Moraff's Dungeons of the Unforgiven
before the one above it
Super Games Galore! Doy!
mysterious

Quasi-monthly arranging of briefer things

The Rest 00
04/29/01 to 08/02/01
The Rest 01
03/28/02 to 06/01/02
The Rest 02
06/15/02 to 10/01/02
The Rest 03
10/07/02 to 01/19/03
The Rest 04
01/23/03 to 04/05/03
The Rest 05
04/09/03 to 05/11/03
The Rest 06
05/22/03 to 07/30/03
The Rest 07
08/13/03 to 09/28/03
The Rest 08
10/02/03 to 11/26/03
The Rest 09
11/29/03 to 12/26/03
The Rest 10
12/29/03 to 01/16/04
The Rest 11
01/28/04 to 03/24/04 somehow
The Rest 12
03/31/04 to 05/07/04
The Rest 13
05/11/04 to 06/17/04
The Rest 14
06/23/04 to 07/26/04
The Rest 15
08/01/04 to 08/27/04
The Rest 16
09/01/04 to 09/29/04
The Rest 17
10/06/04 to 11/05/04
The Rest 18
11/12/04 to 12/07/04
The Rest 19
12/14/04 to 01/13/05
The Rest 20
01/20/05 to 02/21/05
The Rest 21
02/27/05 to 03/24/05
The Rest 22
03/31/05 to 5/19/05
The Rest 23
05/28/05 to 06/25/05
The Rest 24
07/09/05 to 07/31/05
The Rest 25
8/8/5 to 09/05/05
The Rest 26
09/11/05 to 10/02/05
The Rest 27
10-15-05 to 10/30/05?!
The Rest 28
11/06/05 to 12/02/05
The Rest 29
12/12/05 to 12/30/05
The Rest 30
January 2006
The Rest 31
February 2006
The Rest 32
March 2006
The Rest 33
April 2006
The Rest 34
May 2006
The Rest 35
June 2006
The Rest 36
July 2006
The Rest 37
August 2006
The Rest 38
September 2006
The Rest 39
October 2006
The Rest 40
November 2006
The Rest 41
December 2006
The Rest 42
January 2007

whatever else

Awards this website hasn't won
mysterious
Embarrassing pictures part 1
09/17/04
Embarrassing pictures part 2
The same
The Annotated Umiliphus
08/15/03
Hopeless.swf
11/24/04, (I can only justify this by calling it an experiment, so I shall)
sandwich.swf
02/16/05
FACK
??/??/??
Poetry Page
The same

Toilet Paper sez:
I tell ya, I get no respect. You wouldn't believe what people do to... oh, you've heard. Who told you? I don't know, I guess I was expecting toilets to be more like piglets. Everyone loves piglets. No one ever... seriously? They eat pigs? Sick, man. At least I'm not piglet paper, right? Well, still, I'm not down with this whole "wiping" jive. It's really unsanitary. Oh. Oh really. It's part of good hygeine? Yuck. There are so many good, clean, constructive things you can do with me, like blowing your nose and vandalizing people's shrubbery. I'm not entirely sure what it is, but I've heard about this new thing called "emergency tampon substitution," and it would have to be better than this. I get so ill over it all, I just want to puke. No, really, I think... aw ban, where's the commode? Ah, how convenient.
Toilet Paper (left)
Note: The above message does not necessarily reflect the thoughts or words of toilet paper. They're actually just little squiggly lines

harrassment: volcabbage@mailbolt.com

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