? You are here. That's no excuse.

efficient jam use will not be tolerated
February March 2007, ho.

Are you lost? The jam wasteland is a dangerous place to be lost. Give up on the jam. Consider it wasted. This is the land of that.

Mall Meh...ness.
This should really be two pages, but I don't know which two.

"Aloha" is Hawaiian talk for "'allo, ho."

Canondo2525: hey do you read mad mag
Volcabbage: Excuse me?
Canondo2525: do you read mad magazine
Volcabbage: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you!
Canondo2525: yeah so do you or not and what is your a/s/l
Volcabbage: One at a time, please! I can't answer all of you at once!
Canondo2525: ok now first question what is your a/s/l
Volcabbage: The real question is what it isn't!
Canondo2525: what are you speaking in riddles
Volcabbage: Do you want to cross the bridge or not?
Canondo2525: what ok im officially freaked out so can you answer my question and yes i wish to cross the bridge
Volcabbage: If the other side you wish to see, then answer me these questions three!
Canondo2525: ok ask away
Volcabbage: That was too easy! You must be hiding something!
Canondo2525: no im not hiding something
Volcabbage: What's that you have behind your back, then?!
Canondo2525: the same thing that you are hiding behind your back
Volcabbage: Oh, how embarrassing! Good thing I kept the receipt!
Canondo2525: ok are you male or female
Volcabbage: No.
Canondo2525: what are you then
Volcabbage: I am Volcabbage!
Canondo2525: ok are you a feamale volcabbage or a male volcabbage
Volcabbage: How many other volcabbages do you know?! Tell me everything you know!
Canondo2525: i know many that vary from short to tall to skinny to fat
Volcabbage: It is just as I feared! I must escape!
Canondo2525: ok but can you answer my question do you read mad magazine
Volcabbage: I have a secret that I have been hiding... I cannot read!
Canondo2525: if you cannot read how have you been answering my questions
Volcabbage: If you haven't noticed, I have yet to answer any of them!
Canondo2525: true but how do you reply to any other things i say
Volcabbage: Like this!
Canondo2525: exactly so have i trapped you so i can use you for study
Volcabbage: Volcabbage is many things, but educational is not one of them!
Canondo2525: why is it that you speak in riddles
Volcabbage: That would be the biggest riddle of all, wouldn't it!
Canondo2525: yes so may we speak normally
Volcabbage: No.
Canondo2525: why do you wish to speak in this manner
Volcabbage: I never wished, I just did.
Canondo2525: ah so now may i ask you what is your a/s/l
Volcabbage: May I see your pass, please?
Canondo2525: um ok how do i get hold of this pass
Volcabbage: You must follow the bright circle, past the rock that looks like a long neck, and the mountains that burn.
Canondo2525: ok is it true that you sleep in a remote controlled bed
Volcabbage: I'm afraid that will have to wait for next time, if there is a next time!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007
We are not associated with the support forum.

Page 57, which follows page 56 of the celebrated comic series.
I don't think you understand. I need to finish this.

Terrible moments in history

I have to wonder what Red Skull was thinking when he gave that robot such a pronounced scrotum.  Or any at all.

March 7, 2007: Captain America runs out of quarters, Iron Man manages to feign remorse.

His already famous last words shall inspire us all.
I can't move indeed. I can't move indeed. So true...

Baffle to Anna Nichole Smythe. This is a fictional character who's affected my life. Even if I did always play as Hawkeye (I did).

Why is this allowed?

Why is this allowed?!

There are three possibilities regarding how that was allowed:
1 Someone hates his/her life.
2 Someone hates my life.
3 Someone is an idiot.
All are probably true.

Those responsible even separated "dog" from "gone" by way of capitalization so I understood that I was supposed to interpret the dog part on its own. Yes, I'm not a fetus. I would have figured out this was another dog movie without your help. Also without knowing the name or seeing the picture of a dog. Doggone is one of those things that's only said/typed by bisquick twits as part of title or description related unfunny puns for productions which are suitably unbearable, like "Whale of a Tale!" or "Ghost of a Chance!"
"Night for a Knight!" & "Double Trouble!" aren't puns, but they're still in the same category; ieh; things only stupid people say for stupid reasons. I think there was a Yogi Bear novel series which used all of those. These are not jokes one groans at. These are jokes one murders at. More accurately, they aren't jokes at all. They're just violations. This particular infraction made me so mad, I temporarily forgot that the animal in the picture was wearing sunglasses. While this is preferable to seeing creepy Tim Allen eyes, I'd much prefer, and would have it realized through less effort of everyone overall, to see no movie posters with main character dogs + dog puns on them. A world that I like is easier to sustain than one I hate!

Have you ever put sunglasses on a dog? If you're stupid enough to want to see this movie you very well may have. Those sunglasses will not stay on, because the dog doesn't want them on,and they weren't designed to fit on such a shaped head anyway. I'm either meant to believe that, for the sake of the story, the dog likes wearing sunglasses (and huge, five pound hats), or the people in the firehouse willingly posed the dog like this, which means people I'm supposed to like in the movie are total cacodopes, because there is -1% chance of a fire-fighter intended to be less than lovable appearing in a movie which deliberately and blatantly identifies itself as "family film" before it's even revealed what itself is. The line might as well be "We had no intention of making a good movie, because you have no free will! See this movie!"

It's true! You are the one who is a scrabbletoad! Stop paying for tripe like this and blaming your kids. It bothers me that recent parents to this day still complain about watching Barney y Sus Amigos. Hey! It's your television set! Turn it off, you loser. You knew what you were getting into the very first time you allowed that to appear before you. If your child is foolish enough to believe a magical man dropped gifts down your chimney even though your beach-front Florida hurricane-bait hovel lacks a fireplace, I think it would be pretty easy to keep the diaperian from finding out about the Barney television program. Even if some misguided fudnuddler aquaintance of yours gives you baby gifts with Barney themes, as a parent, it's ultimately your decision how much of those are ever seen again. Or, alternatively, you can just admit you like Barney, too. There's plenty to appreciate. Adam's clearly not faked singing, the subtle horizontal expansion of Tina over the years, Zippity, Jason's mysterious, possibly dinosaur related disappearance and immediate replacement with fellow black kid Derek...

I'm glad someone appreciates me.

Monday, March 12, 2007
When the sun is yellow, it's time for fun. When the sun is red, it's time to go to bed.

Great moments in history

There's a reason those colored pencils are between two things I almost never move.
apparently this shot took thirty seconds to set up.

March 11, 2007: Roneldo saves daylight

I was not so fortunate as the great mythical hero. Like I wake up that early. On the appointed date, I had only been made reminded of the time change by one person, who told to me to set the time backward. I never logically understood the reason for such time changing, so without outside confirmation it's hard to know if I've done something like that incorrectly. It would make as much sense to me to rotate my pizza one twefth of the way in one direction. And who would I be to question that this pizza rotation needed to happen a few weeks sooner than when I had rotated a pizza the previous year? Yes, so, for about two hours I was off by about two hours. I thought I had a lot more time than I did.

Fortunately, clock time is imaginary so I actually had the same amount. However, since we are made to obey imaginary clock time, all events of my life in the foreseeable future will likely occur as if I had less time! Such a cruel fate!

Great Moments in Dropped Dopes
Look! I'm twelve years old!

This is the finished version of the thing I had to redraw a while ago. It actually happened pretty fast. I just wasn't as devoid of proper site updates until now.

Fortunately for someone else, natural light treats this sordid scene much better than your magic fake computer light does. I don't know how you can live with yourself. I should have sharpened the pencils before the coloring started, but I couldn't, and so I didn't, and sometimes, often, that's just the way things work around here. That's the way things have always worked around here.

The plants look nice, at least. Despite my clearly only having three shades of green. Also despite my tendency to color green plants yellow just to be difficult. What's important is that the person this is to be given to has regularly been led by me to have fairly low expectations. A fine example is that this was supposed to have been a Christmas gift (shut up) but yet we're half way through the March month.

I started with the background at the lowest point before much thought had occurred, and eventually decided that purple behind purple was better than weeping.

Possibly Inkwelm (the one without legs) is upset because, not being acquainted with the dropped dope, does not realize the importance of bringing harm to it, and only thinks of the imperfection of the structure as a result of dope's absense.

I personally was disappointed that this looked considerably more punchable in the first version. Ideally it will appear as punchable as is feasible. No, of course I don't want to want to punch things, but in this situation I thought it was important to be true to life.
The difference is largely due to the more flattened head which suggests it has experienced a great impact but is too dumb to notice. This newer one just has a look of "guess I fell, huh?" The elder doesn't even know it fell. That's how dumb it is.

A recent, just today attempt to fix various post-scan contrast issues with a pen not only failed, but made the original look worse as well, though still better than the one above here. Below here is how it appears with Blurmaster Mk.2, the official Bimshwel digital camera:

I'm getting rid of this colorful scrap tomorrow, and so another fine story ends. I'd kill myself knowing that the highest point has now been reached, but there are so many things I'd have to burn first.

Canondo2525: we meet again
as i said before we meet again
Volcabbage: Yes, very much so.
Canondo2525: so have you decided to tell me your a/s/l
I strive to be.
so shall you tell me or not
If was to tell, that would make me a teller, and Teller never says anything, so it would seem that I can't tell you.
Volcabbage: So there.
arrggghh you are making me go crazy
Go go go next zone!
whats the next zone
The Urkel Zone.
Canondo2525: uhhhh right how do you reach this Urkel Zone might i ask
Volcabbage: I already told you.
Canondo2525: when
Three instant messages ago!
you mean when i said :Canondo2525: arrggghh you are making me go crazy
Volcabbage: Impossible!
what is impossible
Your name is blue on my screen and the FONT is smaller, that's what!
same with you lookVolcabbage: Your name is blue on my screen and the FONT is smaller, that's what!
Volcabbage: LIES! ALL LIES!
no you know its the truth i know your secret
Peninsula is the secret!
Canondo2525: how but how ohhh you cant read my mind i just remembered if you can tell what im thinking about
Volcabbage: Get away from me, you dirty, dirty pervert!
Canondo2525: ahh so you are female hah got it out of you
Canondo2525: try and read my mind again
Volcabbage: Just so long as you promise to never put it in again, I promise I won't alert the police!
Canondo2525: ok deal....and put what in again
Volcabbage: That's the spirit.
Canondo2525: but put what in again
Volcabbage: Yes, yes. I know.
Canondo2525: please tell me. put what in again?
Volcabbage: No, don't!
Canondo2525: dont what
Volcabbage: Don't call me daughter.
Canondo2525: what? now again, dont put what in again
Volcabbage: Your 75 cents. This machine is out of order.
Canondo2525: ok i wont when will it be in order once again
Volcabbage: After someone sorts it, I expect.
Canondo2525: thank you daughter
Volcabbage: Well I never!
Canondo2525: never what......guess what ive reached the Urkel Zone
Volcabbage: YES
Canondo2525: yes what
Volcabbage: Really?
Canondo2525: yes and why is there lines between my and your words
Volcabbage: That's so you can read between the lines.
Canondo2525: ahhhh yes exactly well now that maybe we are on the same zone can you not tell me your a/s/l
Volcabbage: I could, but that would be cheating.
Canondo2525: what do you mean cheating
Volcabbage: I saw you with your tennis instructor! You can't fool me!
Canondo2525: ok if you did what were we doing
Volcabbage: Cheating at tennis!
Canondo2525: oohh got me but please forgive me
Volcabbage: I'm afraid I can't do that, Jeff.
Canondo2525: why please this time only for the dog
Volcabbage: There is no dog!
Canondo2525: ahh so it may seem theres is no dog but do it for me
Volcabbage: You're the dog, aren't you!
Canondo2525: yes but please do it for me please
Volcabbage: I'm pretty sure that would violate the terms of the restraining order.
Canondo2525: let it slide this time please
Volcabbage: Forget it! Remember last time? It just climbed up the ladder and stayed there! I had to go up there and get it! How humiliating!
Canondo2525: pretty please with peanuts on top
Volcabbage: I hate peanuts! But I hate Hi and Lois even more.
Canondo2525: so please let it slide this one last time
Volcabbage: You dwell too much!
Canondo2525: fine dont........but have pity apon me and let it slide

Sunday, March 18, 2007
I'm a ruby.

Uh oh.  You know the guy is evil, to have a cybernetic NOSE...!

I hate when people refer to dolls as "plushies." You don't call drinks "liquidies," do you? Oh, oh really? Well that's ridiculous. I hate this federally mandated baby talk. *glomp glomp bite cannibalism gleem prance hugglesqueeze* ^____________________________^
What is that? Is that supposed to be a face? Just independent of a body or even a head? What is its function? How does it exist? Could anything with a mouth that long possibly be capable of opening it? Without looking so stupid that I'd be compelled to buy a boot just to wear the boot and kick the thing? That is a dangerous way to live.

I don't hate those as much as reverse backflip inversion triple lutz so ironic we forgot and became sincere abominations the likes of woot and teh, lulz and zomg, but that's hard. Just about anything people only say on the internet oh I can't even do this today. I just hate it so much. It is an unforgivable disgrace to the great and splendid Sumerian monarch Woottehlulzomg.

What?! Why are you here? Stupid animal! Foul beast! What are you offended at? Why are you so large? You were not in the original script for this update! And I mean that! This is not a Disney out take! Go away! Leave! You do not own the word "splendid!" Get out of my life! I hate you, I hate you so much!

Someone really doesn't want vampires to purchase these.

Have you seen these at all? The wall-hanging rectangles with the sort of animated image? They baffle me. Is it odd that I won't pay $5 for a screen saver, a thing that only gets used when the computer is not in use, when other people will pay considerably more for screensavers whose operating systems cannot be used?

That was my initial impression. Although I at first thought they were just useless screens with debatably pretty shifting images on them, the products being sold are in actuality dvds which run on proper television setups that are not in use. You have to put them in a DVD machine and set them to "play," of course. They will not appear automatically during a truly unplanned period of inactivity, nor can they even be summoned were you in the process of watching a different dvd which you had paused. So it's actually a technological regression. It turns out, what this really is, is even dumber than what I ignorantly assumed it was. So what I thought I could have up and done with in minutes has now accrued over an hour's worth of rethinking and trivial research, plus several hours of annoyance while I was watching intellectual by comparison TV shows and could not tend to this. I do not appreciate that at all.

Speaking of dreams, sometimes I like to imagine how great the world would be if "entrepeneurs" could solve problems without inventing them first. Things I don't like to imagine: kidney stones.

It seems to me not using a Tvision amounts to not looking at one, so you probably won't be paying attention to whatever it is, and you'd do better, you'd do less, to just switch it off. You'd certainly be making a more valid effort to save your screen, need it saving. People don't even realize the irony of calling these "Screen savers." Or, at the very least, the people they are marketed at aren't meant to. Liquid crystal displays are, I've read [elsewhere], especially susceptible to peril, but a picture of some dumb immobile island isn't going to help. These krippendorfs claim to be pioneers in a whole new field of entertainment, but the result is little more than an updated version of the Yule Log.

Genetic engineering has gone too far. This sounds like a 1930s science fiction movie, or, at best, a minor Marvel Comics villain. Me, I can hardly handle a cat in my home.

You know would reduce the screen burn even further? Not introducing something that's likely to burn it! This is like preparing yourself a big boiling bowl of coke soup but not having any because you're concerned about calories. Or like buying wine and dumping it in the street to protest wine merchants (but no one would ever do that.) Earlier on the page is advertised the ability to have one scene looped continuously without acknowledging that doing so will aid the screen burning. That feature, I must assume, is for people who might buy these thousand dollar TVs exclusively for use as decorative items, and with that sort of money you might as well have some cathedral windows installed depicting the cast of Fraggle Rock making a pilgrimage to the Delaware Long John Silver's. If you're going to spend a fortune to be tacky, be grandiose about it.

if there's aluminium siding in Heaven, why even bother living a virtuous life?

If I think the dark-skinned angels should get to have dark wings, too, does that make me racist or just right? If you suggest that white indicates purity you either have to admit you hate black people or end up hastily adding to the purity statement "ehhh but only for the wings!" and you'll sound plenty ridiculous either way. If we're going to assume that people appear in after-lives in the exact forms as the most recent non-mutilated parts of their during-lives, just with giant, biologically unlikely reverse-mounted egret wings, the wings should at least be as open to customization as the people are.

Look, the child angels even have smaller wings than the adult angels. Why would there be child and adult angels anyway? Does that mean the children were murdered? Does everyone go to heaven as angel-baby and only grow up again or for the first time once there? Why am I, a barely religious heathen, the only person who thinks about this? Especially when it never even occurred to me how unsightly my television is while off?

Why would there be male and female angels, if the God generally associated with this sort of imagery hates lust so much? And would not the steady fountain of new dead people + immortality elimate the need for procreation? I'm not requesting that buyers of these reject their beliefs, just not to assume some disturbed trinket designer knows the truth.

Is it reasonable to expect to enter a Heaven and see young James Dean and old George Burns waiting for you, in the event they have nothing better to do? If a true heaven be whatever a person wishes it to be, why should this necessarily reveal itself in the form of a Care Bear village populated by winged, curtaindressed, otherwise regular humans? How do they even wear the curtains with enormous bird parts bursting forth from their scapulae?

If we, as mortals, are only imagining, why be so utterly unimaginitive in our delusions? It seems to me like the only way those wings would work at all would be if they were insect wings anyway, and one tends not to see those on fictional people who don't also have fly heads or are three inches tall.

All this is not to say that people who delude themselves within the confirmed, actual world have any more sense.

ZOINKS! The phantom limb!

Drat, and I know so many!

It is unfortunate that they only respond with revulsion. The problem might just be that you standing motionlessly and pointlessly in the road is creeping people out.

No it didn't.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Canondo2525: fine dont........but have pity apon me and let it slide
Volcabbage: I have completely exhausted my supply of pity dealing with you!
Canondo2525: please find it in the turkey and forgive me
Volcabbage: You've had the power to forgive yourself all along!
Canondo2525: i have havent i ok i forive you
Canondo2525: *forgive
Volcabbage: That's what you think!
Canondo2525: why please tell me what i think
Volcabbage: I just did.
Canondo2525: ahh yes ok well after all of this tell me what im thinking about almighty Volcabbage
Volcabbage: You're thinking how tired you are after sending all these instant messages back and forth for the last hour!
Canondo2525: wow but wrong im thinking about you and i will continue if you tell me your a/s/l
Volcabbage: You're right! That's what I was thinking! As for your other point, that's all the more reason not to tell you!
Canondo2525: please dont tell me your a/s/l
Volcabbage: Don't worry about that!
Canondo2525: ok so is it a date
Volcabbage: Yes. August seventeenth, 2002, to be exact.
Canondo2525: good im glad. ok never tell me your a/s/l
Volcabbage: That shouldn't be a problem.
Canondo2525: is there a zone after the Urkel Zone
Volcabbage: Yes. It's called The Zone After the Urkel Zone.
Canondo2525: ahh i think i have reached that zone why am i being able to read minds now
Volcabbage: Because.
Canondo2525: why
Volcabbage: Because.
Canondo2525: ohhh you dirty birdy
Volcabbage: Oh?
Canondo2525: yes
Volcabbage: Ah.
Canondo2525: so is there any other side affects other than being attracted to you
Volcabbage: I hope so.
Canondo2525: why is that
Volcabbage: You'll see.
Canondo2525: have you ever reached the Zone After The Urkel Zone
Volcabbage: You're scary.
Canondo2525: why is that
Volcabbage: Because I scare easily.
Canondo2525: ahh i see...boo!

I did it again! Why does anyone come here?

Uh oh. I think we're all in big trouble. Ramus is the champion. How can this be? How could we, as a people, let this happen? We cannot scrounge up but even one point to match this tyrant! And he knows!

How cruelly he mocks us, to score a single point and attempt no more, so confident in his skills and our lack of such.

It would be one thing if he intended to use his fame for good, but that is simply not the case. He is a scoundrel through and through. A well disciplined, worthy scoundrel, but yet a scoundrel. Which is still more than I can say for some of his crony subordinates...

What a surprise. Look who's latched on in seek of validation. THAT CAT. Naturally. The only boom which will be taking place is that of the bomb hidden inside the boot I throw at you, beast. I refuse to associate with anyone who hasn't got more than one tooth. And stop calling me Alex!

But Ramus, he is great and all powerful. What is his secret?

How I shudder at this news. And yet it is so obvious. Who else but Ramus, He Who Can Change His Hair Color at Will, could utilize the immeasurable, fearsome power of the garbage can lid? Not I. Its junkital energy has felled many.

Those who have ventured forth into battle armed with the Garbage Can Lid have always failed in their efforts most mysteriously. The impertinent and unworthy who have succumbed in vain pursuit of its approval could fill a uhhh... landfill. Please forgive that discussing waste receptacle components doesn't inspire me poetically.

But is it possible Ramus is using his innumerable wiles to distract us? Perhaps his goal is to inspire foolish imitators to take up lids and send themelves to their dooms!

Could this really be the face of diabolic lunacy?

In my defense, I thought a "kike" was a dessert from the Outback Steakhouse.

I think these gnomes recently paid me a visit. Yes, so, there is bit of a turducken crisis going on at the moment here at Neldo Headquarters. Complicating matters is that the local toilet's once-a-week-maybe flushing policy is out of synchronicity with my own, currently twice-an-hour. It would be interesting to place that toilet in the ground and have scientists ninety-seven years from now dig it up and figure out and anal-yze whatever it is I ate that brought this on, and if they have time maybe also have a look at why the hermaphrodillo the thing won't flush properly. In the event the world still exists, I'll be so famous this task will be considered an honor. I will still be alive, and I will still live here.

Today (Thursday) I saw a picture of Dracula and said aloud, just as a reaction, without any thought, "...looks like The Count [of Sesame Street]." For the briefest moment I really thought I had made a brilliant connection. Although I was, as ever, alone, I don't think I should be allowed to get away with something that stupid.

Saturday, March 31, 2007
And there I stood amazed for a while, As on a pillory, looking through the lute; While she did call me rascal fiddler

Wrestlemania occurs on Sunday (that is what this site entry is about. Escape if you must). It figures the one sporting event of the year I'm interested is both rigged and only viewable for a price. I could download it, I have that option now, but it would be a few days before I got it, and I'd feel bad about it. That sort of guilt is much easier for me to dodge if it's a thing no one else has given a shingle about for a decade. So next year, maybe.

One match that's interesting to note is the Donald Trump ('s representative) versus Vince McMahon ('s representative) bout, following which the less fortunate billionaire is contractually obligated to have his hair sheared off. Don't think about it too much. It is interesting to note primarily because I've never heard it mentioned on non-WWE television, and they seem to be Trump fans. I assume this is because after a storyline involving Kevin Federlund got considerable press, subsequent WWE broadcasts made special point of mentioning all the media outlets which had mentioned them.

Why can't you be humble like the king, Kevin?

(noise file, watch out) It'll be more National Headlines! It'll be more Talk Soup! That's something I can get behind, especially since Talk Soup hasn't been on the air for surely five or six years now. There is a program these days called just The Soup which I am told is quite similar, and usually I would excuse this sort of error, but we're talking about a company that has to selectively blur up clips which feature their old logo because it has an F in it instead of an E, so the WWErians really ought to notice such fine details. Unless The Soup is horrible (what?! no orzo?!) and they just didn't feel it was owed accuracy; I'd check but considering that I already watch four hours of stupid wrestling a week and have crippling compulsive issues I'm really in no position to be experimenting with other things that never go into re-runs.

If you run an international conglomeration, is being mentioned on Talk Soup even that much of an accomplishment? The show that introduced much of America to Neuticles and The Weasel Ball? A show whose greatest technical accomplishment was replacing its blue screen with a green screen?

Right, so, my pick for the winner must certainly be Trump, because, unlike Vincent Kennedy McMahon, he has business commitments outside of wrestling to keep. What could he say? "Oh, this? I got my head shaved because of a pre-planned wrestling match some other guy fought on my behalf. Don't you watch The Soup?" This could also create difficulty if in the Fall television season, midway through The Apprentice 7: The Demon Darkness, he's suddenly and inexplicably bald. I should also mention: hair lost as a result of wrestling matches rarely grows back. It is a mystery to science.

Mr. Trump, or "The Donald," as he's known to people who aren't aware of other Donalds, was a guest on The David Letterman Late Show at Friday, the last Late Show before Wrestlemania... the perfect time for Trump to mention it, if he was going to mention it, and as far as I could tell the subject did not come up. He's not telling people about this, and he doesn't have to, because, to him, it ultimately doesn't matter. Although you'd think if he's angry enough at McMahon to shove the guy across a table (eight times consecutively, if the replay footage is to be trusted), that fresh scorn would take precedence over a Rosie O'Donnell update (it didn't). Obviously, this Donald has already been paid (he may already have been filmed), doesn't require more exposure and suspects it would look a tad silly to some people to know he's involved with something a tad silly (like Miss America isn't, gimme a cake), so he thinks he may as well pretend it's not happening. Anyone who's avoided finding out doesn't need to find out.

I never particularly liked Trump, nor the inexplicable fact that he's booked as the "face," the "good guy" of this engagement (besides how enjoyable the evil variety of McMahon is). Yet he must be afforded some credit if he's willing to do something this retarded, however he pretends he isn't. I also afford "Stone Cold" Steve Austin credit for being the sole federation employee to get in Trump's face and such and such.

But we must not forget the chairman. Even though he is destined to become enbaldened, Vincent McMahon is still technically a winner if the Wrestle-Mania is successfully sold many times. As far as the regularly stated ego issues are concerned, he's already tricked people into thinking he's an actual billionaire, and knowing his sort of schemery, he'd probably recently started going bald anyway. Although... the show is on April first. I only fear...

Well, good. I hope not. It costs like 50 dollars. Worse, I only have 25 at the moment and Ralph from Comcast keeps calling and saying I have to decide now and that he won't be my friend if I say no. I think I need to take a break from this website.

Before I go, I'd just like to mention that, whoever wins the eight man money-in-the-bank ladder match, this kid is my hero.

Well, one of them.

earlier    later

stupid comics
page 01
page 54
page 55
page 56
page 57

stupid pictures VI
stupid pictures V
stupid pictures IV
stupid pictures III
stuppict II I/II
stupid pictures II
stupid pictures I

The guestbook would be gathering dust were it an actual book

In depth
(alas, they cannot swim)

Mall Meh...ness
I do not approve.
irrational complaining about my television set
Dennises are dead to me
This page is not about shoes.
I hate shoes.
something award related
Those Green Eyes again
More valid but unfunny Disney criticism
Biggest Loser
Mall Blandness
2004 advertisement complaint world championship
Mall Egadness
Las Vegas
Spiderman 2
Jope and Dopes
These Green Eyes
Game Over
Mall orneryness
Movies I'm not going to see
Back fashion school to
Movies Make Me Mad. Moreso.
Official pizza of Nascar
Michael Jackson
Free Speech
Film Critics. I hate them.
Coconuts. I hate those as well.
Independence Day
Some time in July 2001

Video games in depth
(alas, submerging them shorted out their circuits)

Marsupilami part 1
Marsupilami part 2
Spirou part 1
Spirou part 2
Cosmo's Cosmic Adventure!
Kirby part 1
Kirby part 2
Kirby part 3
Dynamite HeaddY
McDonald's Treasureland Adventure
Pac in Time part 1
Pac in Time part 2
Air Fortress
Super Widget
Back to the Forest (the skunny page)
Tintin and the Prisoners of the Sun
Bip Bop II
2001, a space waste
Barney's Hide and Seek "Game"
too late to make a difference
Moraff's Dungeons of the Unforgiven
before the one above it
Super Games Galore! Doy!

Quasi-monthly arranging of briefer things

The Rest 00
04/29/01 to 08/02/01
The Rest 01
03/28/02 to 06/01/02
The Rest 02
06/15/02 to 10/01/02
The Rest 03
10/07/02 to 01/19/03
The Rest 04
01/23/03 to 04/05/03
The Rest 05
04/09/03 to 05/11/03
The Rest 06
05/22/03 to 07/30/03
The Rest 07
08/13/03 to 09/28/03
The Rest 08
10/02/03 to 11/26/03
The Rest 09
11/29/03 to 12/26/03
The Rest 10
12/29/03 to 01/16/04
The Rest 11
01/28/04 to 03/24/04 somehow
The Rest 12
03/31/04 to 05/07/04
The Rest 13
05/11/04 to 06/17/04
The Rest 14
06/23/04 to 07/26/04
The Rest 15
08/01/04 to 08/27/04
The Rest 16
09/01/04 to 09/29/04
The Rest 17
10/06/04 to 11/05/04
The Rest 18
11/12/04 to 12/07/04
The Rest 19
12/14/04 to 01/13/05
The Rest 20
01/20/05 to 02/21/05
The Rest 21
02/27/05 to 03/24/05
The Rest 22
03/31/05 to 5/19/05
The Rest 23
05/28/05 to 06/25/05
The Rest 24
07/09/05 to 07/31/05
The Rest 25
8/8/5 to 09/05/05
The Rest 26
09/11/05 to 10/02/05
The Rest 27
10-15-05 to 10/30/05?!
The Rest 28
11/06/05 to 12/02/05
The Rest 29
12/12/05 to 12/30/05
The Rest 30
January 2006
The Rest 31
February 2006
The Rest 32
March 2006
The Rest 33
April 2006
The Rest 34
May 2006
The Rest 35
June 2006
The Rest 36
July 2006
The Rest 37
August 2006
The Rest 38
September 2006
The Rest 39
October 2006
The Rest 40
November 2006
The Rest 41
December 2006
The Rest 42
January 2007
The Rest 43
February 2007
The Rest 45
April 2007

whatever else

Awards this website hasn't won
Embarrassing pictures part 1
Embarrassing pictures part 2
The same
The Annotated Umiliphus
11/24/04, (I can only justify this by calling it an experiment, so I shall)
Poetry Page
The same

Simon Belmont sez:
In these difficult times, public figures such as myself often suffer from lack of good PR. And by PR I of course mean pot roast. I've arrived back here at Transylvania on business: that business being, as you may have gathered from my opening statement, finding me some good time pot roast. I've looked in all the logical places: hidden behind weak parts of walls, inside candles smaller in mass than the pot roast itself, you know the deal. I even jumped on a treasure chest exactly 255 times, to no success. If the pot roast situation doesn't improve soon, so help me God I'll shout in front of a church. I consulted with my good friend and liege King Graham of Daventry about this matter, and he suggested I get myself captured by a crooked innkeeper, have a rat bite through my bonds to repay me for throwing a boot at a cat, break the basement door's lock with the hammer I got from a cobbler (I found the boot in the desert), and then steal myself a luscious, ripened hock of lamb from the inn pantry, but that seems a lot of work for something that only replenishes four red rectangles. I'd probably lose just as many getting hit over the head to be captured. I bet the mutton wouldn't even be on a plate unless I got one myself. Just because I won't eat anything that's not a big led lump with a bone sticking out of one or more ends don't make me no savage. Nor that I spend all my time hunting down men who wear capes and tuxedos. Think of it this way: Who but the most priveleged and decadent individuals dress in such a way? It should come as no surprise that the first thing Dracula did when he revived was buy up all the pot roast in the land and hide it in his castle, and so, as if by destiny, I am drawn to meet his challenge, and take what I am rightfully owed (pot roast). This isn't the first time, either. I've had to take him to task like eighteen times over pot roast related matters. Who cares if some "Mr. Konami" fellow, some shadowy soothsayer from the east, says most of those were "remakes?" Not me. I was there, every time, and usually so was pot roast. Smells fishy, to me! I will not eat fish.

You'd think I have enough food issues already, what with having no visual facial features and all, including but not limited to a mouth. Do you have any idea how long it took me to learn to eat pot roast via osmosis through my boots? It took me a whole week. That's a long time to go without eating. Nevermind that a day only actually lasts about twelve minutes around these parts. Every night I would remark "what a horrible night to have no pot roast" or something like that. The only thing that kept death from taking me was the fact that roughly seven years prior I personally 'monthandled Death himself for forcing me to eat my pot roast right before a hallway of axe knights and medusa heads when he knew it suited me better to eat afterwards. You wouldn't eat pot roast right before swimming, would you? Yeah, so I killed him, pretty much.

Simon Belmont (archive photo)
Note: The above message does not necessarily reflect the thoughts or words of Simon Belmont. AHHHH! I didn't say "Simon Belmont sez!"

harrassment: volcabbage@mailbolt.com