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A wholly needless, perhaps, link to the main page. I can't expect it to be needless anymore, as you'll notice the URLs of here and there are entirely dissimilar, if you notice at all.
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Sunday, October 30, Biscuit Night, 2005 |
shame on a nigga who try to run game on a nigga
Who won't you see in a theatre showing the film Doom?
THEM!
Ah yes, Doom, or as i frequently misspell it at a DOS prompt in the darkness, dpp,.
I thought, oh, this is great. You can write any stupid obvious hackly hollywoodville plot, add any unlikable archetypical characters you want and it can still be Doom, because Doom has none of that for its own. No one will complain "oh, that person is supposed to die" or "Tom Bombadoo's supposed to say that" or "Pikachu doesn't have that power" because Doom lacks anything so specific. The Rock could have dropped a People's Elbow on a mancubus and it would not have been inappropriate.
Doom is what Amelican filmmakers do best: stupid computer monsters, lots of guns, little sense. So why isn't that what they did? (the answer is that Amelican film-makers have always resented non-1980s arcade video games, and often express that by sabotaging adaptation projects, but I will pretend I do not know that)
All you need is someone with a handgun to go through hell, shoot a bunch of dumb looking demons and walk past a few weird wall decorations and you've made it Doom. The villains don't even have to be unique; I've seen levels with just hundreds of eemps and those work fine. I can understand why the monsters look different from what I'm used to (if I'm used to them, they can't hypothetically be scary), but not why there are so few. I think there are three demons total, only one of them is kind of big, and it's done with long before the end. There were lots of zombies, eventually, but none of them had guns.
Instead of an adventure through various facilities with no means of returning to one already been through, everyone stays in one building and go out the way they came in. I'm not saying there was no room for a plot, just that the room wasn't that big. It's nice that you have a scientific-sounding reason for why people turn into zombies, really, it is, but I would have accepted "they died and came back to life but were evil because they were near hell at the time" if that would have left more time for them to get blown up. There weren't even any columns of heads impaled on spikes. Aw ban.
You see all the words that come out of me; I'm not quite retarded. And yet there were some parts during which I was truly confused.
I thought he just got shot. Or was that someone else who looked similar? Hwuh, what did he just do? I missed it while I was wondering who had been shot. Hey, what is the significance of the electricity being off if all that stuff still works? At first the movie seems like it will go somewhere; a couple black-suited guys go in some dark place, but at the first sign of monstrosity they all run back where they came from. Later they go down again and run back again!
'Ey, the last time I checked, this door doesn't open.
There were no floating blue soulspheres of indeterminate origin. There were not even soul-spheres of determinate origin! There were two green pills, however, which were never explained and were quickly forgotten. I don't see the point of calling it Doom if there's nothing in it distinctly Doom-like. There's a part where someone runs through hallways shooting stuff, but he goes really slowly and kills everything with one hit. This might have been enjoyable, but I couldn't concentrate on the violence, as the music kept hinting at a recognizable doom theme but then viering away. Did Robert Prince demand too much money? I hear he did the original Doom music for twelve dollars and a Jell-O Pudding Pop. But then, for several years Mark Klem made better Doom music for free (including this mp3 I'm going to upload almost 10 months from now), and I see nary a word online about that. Prior to that, he made the surprisingly non-embarrassing for me to admit to liking music in a computer game called Wacky Wheels. That too, then, yes, I would have rather heard in Doom: der Film. The game itself is rather dignified considering it's a Mario Kart ripoff, and downright regal considering its only PC competition was Skunny Kart.
But anyway.
A lot of the movie is a tease like that. One of the fiends even wraps metal around his hand to suggest that he's going to become a cyberdemon (see: picture captioned "THEM!") or something like that, but nothing comes of it. Oh, oh oh! Interestingly (to me), my non-hostile acquaintance*, who was not well familiarized with the computer game also called Doom, by virtue of not being distracted by all these things I mention, was able to follow and enjoy it more than I was. Grrr, I say. People who only watch the film out of name recognition will not recognize anything but the name, so why have the name at all? The answer: To trick people. It's all a mean, spiteful trick. There were a couple sets left over from Stargate, a couple props left over from Mennen Black and a couple of script pages left over from Alien, and then Dwayne "Rocky Melvin" Johnson had just finished filming Walking Tall, and everything seemed like a good idea at the time. But not this time! This paragraph could have ended better.
And it's not like this movie is based on Doom 3, either. First of all, there's no ducking 3 in the title, whore. Also, I am told a lot of that game is listening to people say stuff and then remembering numbers. Gosh, that sounds like an even better movie.
*a required component, because I don't drive cars, and also will just type garbage like this and play Doom all day if no one makes me do something else. So you can see we are making a lot of progress.
I hate to bring this up (really, because it's boring) but I should clarify one of my earlier complaints. The one about Saturday Night Live. The multitude about Saturday Night Live, I suppose. I should not make a related complaint that will need to itself be clarified later, but I did that as well. I should wait until I have that clarification, but I do not see the complaints stopping, so I shall just dump this junk as it comes to me.
Steve Carrell is not an "unnamed passenger on airplane" sort of person. He can do better than that. It's not like he's Nick Loki or Ryan Seacretion or Boris Yeltsin or some other contemporary alleged famous person with no business performing comedic sketches but would probably be invited anyway. Me says, if you're going to hire actors to play nameless foil characters, don't do it at all because there are approximately 89 people in the regular and "featured" cast who could fill all those roles just as well, possibly even namelessier, and for less money.
And then the next week was Jon Heder and Actually Simpson, who I have by now run out of ways to misspell the name of. While the stupid references I had reason to think would happen were mainly confined to the "this week I'm hosting Saturday Night Live with musical guest Ashlee Simppsun" promotion spots, I certainly saw those happen, so beh. Oh Jon the Heder, oh yes, he played Napoleon Dynamite in a film released over a year ago, oh yes. Even though that was the only reason he was there as heust, he did not portray any dorks. Surely he wishes to distance himself from the character so as to not become typecast as a dork. However, portraying dorks is clearly his strength. Alas.
If there be anything less fun than spending ten minutes reading some boring esse by an internet weirdo complaining about a popular television show, it might involve spending 9 times that time watching the show.
The week after that was Best of David Spade. Ehhh, some years ago, the "Best of" series started when Christ Farley was crucified by Romans. This was eventually followed by the bests of Phil Hartleman and Gilda Rilda, who had also become dead by the next off-weeks. However, David Spayed is still alive. This program was probably NBC's way of saying he's never being asked to host it again. You might recall that there was another compilation show called something like THE BAD BUOYTH OF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, but hopefully don't, beyond for the purposes of knowing I'm not making it up. This was all sketches featuring Adam Sandmeyer, Rob Schneigly and David Spavid in them, because those three had only been in enough good enough sketches to fill the timeslot if you combined them all in one lump. If memory serves me correctly, the Dave of Spades has only appeared on the show twice more since then, and in that there were not 48 additionaly minutes of comedy gold.
More like comedy geld! Euhhhhhn. Maybe the message is "Do you think David Spade is funny? See when he wasn't!" Maybe nbc saw what I wrote before and did this to show that things have been worse or as bad. But that's stupid. I am not an out-of-control teen who needs to go to bootcamp. I do not have to watch this show. I certainly won't if I feel like I'm doing it as a favor.
I've got a theory, that it's a demon. A dancing demon, oh no, something isn't right there. I've got a theory, some kid is dreamin', and we're all trapped inside his wacky broadway nightmare. I have another theory. And here it is. NBC doesn't like Ana Gasteyer, so it's going to assemble a greatist hits show for every single other person who has been live from New Yok on Saturday Night just to emphasize this. Even if, or rather especially if the assemblages are built entirely out of mediocre clips.
There were living people who might have deserved it, such as Will Feral and I'll even acknowledge Eddy Murphie, because I forgot how bad his probably was, but then it went too far. Best of Molly Shannon? Truth. Best of Tim Meadows?" I'm pretty sure that happened. "Best of Cheri Oteri?" I was not even sure what her name was until this. Best of Chris Kattan? Hey, let's show all the sketches where his characters met celebrities instead of the debuts which we know were at least good enough to have sequels!
And after thats there were "Best of"s for people who had not been cast members but who had just appeared as hosts or special guests a bunch of times. If you think it was hard finding 90 minutes sans ads of decency in six years of Spade, try seven shows total of Tom Hanks. You will fail. All the more so if three of those shows were from the 1980s. They were. I looked on the internet. I only thought two were from the 1980s before that. Next on the list is probably Best of Fat Blond-Haired Woman Wearing Glasses In The Audience Who Stands up and Says Stuff During the Part of the Show Called Monologue Sometimes. Half the show would be Don Pardo messing up the title.
Ehhh. There was one more week before now, with Catherine Beta Jones. The final confrontation! Unlike the previous two hosts, who merely were not funny on this show, Joans is not funny ever. By now we know Lorne Michaels hires people like this not out of ignorance, but knowing full well how it must turn out, to take scorn off his merry band of writers.
It's not our fault, blame the non-comedian choosing all the sketches, even if we wrote those too!
She sang, as well. another one-joke "i am great" song that randomly changed its tempo. Who's the floyp who writes these? And then another song that has a consistent tempo but a boring repetetive melody. There seems to be some misconception among comedy programme assemblers that audiences who watch to see the comedy don't mind if you sing at them instead, and will assume they are being entertained, even if the songs have annoying, unfunny lyrics and cheap music.
Also, she danced. And spoke Italian. And then spoke French in a different sketch. None of them made sense. I don't mean that they missed their goal, like I'm doing, I mean that they had no goal. At least there is consistency. But least implies the potential room for improvement!
I thought I was done, but I just found two more paragraphs trying to escape. I guess I'll put them here until I decide their punishment.
Why is the show live? If it weren't, there'd be more time to make sure stuff doesn't end up endopled. If a good sketch is cut from the broadcast, they could still film it and use it later.
Oooh, live tea-vee! Anything can happen!
Anything pathetic. "Because someone might make a mistake" might be a good reason to watch the Blue Men's Group, but it's a stupid reason to watch Darrel Hammond pretend to be one of 1000 guys wearing suits who have the same voice. Oh me, oh my! That prop fell over! I'm glad I saw that! I can't think of a better use of my time.
That's why sketches never take place in more than two rooms. That's why sometimes a commercial break ends two minutes after the show has already resumed. That's why the special effects are embarrassing. That's why sometimes actors omit a crucial to a joke making sense. That's why stuff that's so funny it's impossible to perform in one take without laughing with less than a week of practice usually gets cancelled at the dress-rehearsal. At least, that's what I hope the reason is. Once more, I cannot definitively say whose fault my problem is. Why don't I stop watching it, then? Because there are numerous visible idiots who liked it and then hated it, who are idiots, and I always hate those people when they mention that subject or any subject. And so in order to not be hypocritical I must continue viewing the program until I can formulate a reason better than "it's not funny anymore." Uh-oh, Bob McBob of Bob presents the Bob Blog says "SNL Sucks Again!" Hey, dorfus. It is not only "not funny" because you say it is not. Give some valid reasons or go and eat barbecued snail shells. Recieving 76 comments from degenerate pomegranates sharing a brain who say things like "u are so right!" does not make you a god or, in fact, so right.
Oh, my time is extinguished. I have to leave before I can fix this. But I have to upload this, unfixed, now, because tomorrow I will have seen Lants Armstalong with Cheryl Cro, and someone who had no reason to know told me they're married, and I'm sure that will be perfectly delightful. And I want to write about other things again.
The Monopoly game is back at McDonald's! Oh, hoorays and such. I know I personally cannot wait for four months from now when I realize there are thirty-eight Ventnor avenues stuck to various surfaces in our car.
RONELDO LOPO LEMOS
I saw an advertisement selling a product or service From the Orbits company (they make gum, don't they?) through a fake gameshow, but the fake gameshow featured a real Wink Martindale. How might he be considered to add legitimacy to something illegitimate when the only thing he's ever done in his life is hold up a prop microphone and say stuff as he's reading it? Oh, I forgot, he also has a "singing" dog. That being a dog which occasionally howls at the same time a human sings a fragment from a certain song. I'm glad I'm not Wink Martindale. He is totally irrelevant.
He is also scary.
Similarly irrelevant is the host of the Powerball drawing minute. Powerball being a form of lottery in which there are six numbers. Most previous lottery drawings only had up to five numbers. I imagine the idea to add a sixth was suggested by the same type of genius who conceived the fourth blade on the Schick Quatro and the left sliding door on van-type cars. That genius being the type that isn't really so smart beyond realizing its paycheck is signed by someone even less smart. "Six numbers?! Why didn't I think of that? Here's 2 billion dollars. I'm glad I listen to you and not the people we sell stuff to, because they'd all thought of it already."
Powerball. Or, as I heard it so eloquently referred to as, on Wednesday, "The Powerballs." Do we really need some guy to dress up in a black suit and deal with a bowtie to read numbers to us, out of a machine which runs itself? The time it takes him to get dressed is probably longer than the entire length of his work-day.
"It's the one and only Powerball, it's America's game." No, Bartholameau, Wheel of Fortune is America's Game. Not that either is a compliment, but Powerball is not a game at all. Just as much as you, bow-tie person, don't work to make the numbers come up, people with the tickets or whatever don't play for it the numbers. At most, they pick random figures in advance and watch television at the right time. And, as I implied, it's not even a very long show. Watching the show with the big rainbow wheel would be plenty more challenging.
There is no skill involved in lotterying. There is no championship tournament to see who wins the powerball, nor do players have to run past Gemini and Nitro to drop their winning ticket into a basket. No game. It's just a way to further perpetuate the concentration of wealth among very few people. so to maximumly preserve class stratification. Or something like this.
Powerball can't do this alone, though. A lot of businesses acquire money grants from certain organizations and don't spend the money, which then might find itself passed on to others who would elsewise have not had a chance at a grant so big. I'm glad to say that my very own Gateway Community College had just such a grant, and even though the allegedly educational institution will be vacating the premises and occupying another premiseses in a few years, it went ahead and allocated several hundred thousand dollars for the renovation of the cafeteria area. Better to use it yourself on something needless than for someone who needs it to use it on anything at all.
This picture is from October. 2004's October. I would have just said "this month" or "(nothing)" if it was from the current October. The picture is here to be compared to the next picture, even though they are from different angles.
So far, in the time from May to "(nothing)", constructionists have successfully installed a couple orange floor tiles.
The old cafeteria closed before the Spring 2005 semester ended, so that work could begin then and so have the new room be ready by the fall semester, and you know the kitchen region also had to be given new tiles. In September, signs promised the area would be open the first week of October. By the third week, the room still was not finished, but technically was open since the doors were not locked (but technically, locks are mechanical).
I mentioned October up there, the first time, specifically because in the distance of the image two above this one is a voter registration information table, with a computer connected by wires to a projection television, displaying a relevant webpage, but that has slipped into screen-saver. I had taken the pictures because of that, but eventually deemed the whole thing too stupid and pointless to whine about here. However, it turns out they are the only pictures I have of the olde cafeteria at all, and the issue of old versus new cafeteria is also pointless and stupid to devote this much space to. Pointless and stupid things are formidable in groups and I fear to oppose them.
If hurricanes really are deliberately and sentiently aiming at Florida, maybe people should just not live there. Not ever. Not even during winter. The storms will be back. These are no random acts of nature; Nature truly wants Florida gone or thoroughly remodeled. The hurricane potato-gun isn't getting pointed anywhere else. Just like this entry isn't getting any better, so I should post it now before it passes into irrelevance, because then I'll have to wait five months for it to be totally and blatantly irrelevant, and it then it still won't be good. I don't like to wait for things I know will be bad if I'm not at some grubly New England restaraunt to acknowledge the birth-date of one of my family members. And sometimes not even then.
Also: What kind of name is "Wilma" for anything known in advance to be historic? A bad one, that's what kind. It reminds me of someone I hate. True, the only Wilma I know is Wilma Flintstone, but we're not on good terms with each other, no. Not that hurricanes should be liked, but I should not have to be reminded of non-hurricanes that I also do not like. If it must begin with W, why not Wimplesworth? Why not Wulthulosa? Why not Whybeeble? It's likely I would hate people by those names also, but I have never been informed of any, so the connection isn't there.
I'll pretend this means something, even though it doesn't, because, while I mentioned hurricanes, I specifically referred to ones dealing with Florida. Cad-spork, what's wrong with you.
I can't believe poker is still around. Any poker, really, but specifically the televised kind that's supposed to be not not better than the regular kind. I really thought I had missed the point of relevance when I whined last year, but the game of turning over pieces of stiff paper and pretending their values are not random is still considered exciting by the people who also consider golf exciting. And both celebrity and non-famous rich whores are still turning them cards over. If what I hear is true, you actually need ten-thousand spare dollars to even be allowed to participate, so if you aren't rich you are incredibly irresponsible. If poker is so great, why does it have to steal a tournament name from base-ball? "The World Series of Poker" sounds like a thing an unoriginal person refers to it as in the absense of a proper title. It would not make a difference to refer to the competition as the Lincoln Log Strawberry Burrito of Poker, but it has to be world series because OH, SPORTTH, BAEBALL! THEM'S MEN'S SUPPLIES, DARLIN'! Almost any arbitrary but man-implying name would suffice, possibly excepting "The Wrestlemania of Poker," because professional wrestling matches have pre-planned outcomes to make them more interesting, and there's no feasible way to make poker more interesting. Or less interesting. The void of entertainment value is not a variable. It is a constant. That's all I remember from my algebra class.
For the people with the power to give it a proper title to settle upon that one and laminate it is completely appropriate. Considering the blatant patheticness, non-effort and low standards of every other aspect, that makes perfect sense. Yes, but no one is acknowledging this. Fools.
If a less remote and affluent member of the fool club be fool enough to ask my opinion on the base-ball players, I will refer to their little game as the World Series of Poker of Baseball. The fool will respond "what?" I will repeat "World Series of Poker of Baseball." The other will repeat "what?," truly not knowing what I had said. Eventually the fool will just decide that I am the stupid one. Oh yeah, well, last night your mom looked in the meer. And she saw YOUR MOM!
Action needed to be taken.
I keep hearing that ROY is recovering from his tiger incident. The Roy I speak of, of course, is the Roy who had a tiger incident. And he is recovering from it. Not from being that Roy (that will take a lot longer), but the tiger incident. Ehhh, I hope this doesn't mean that lion show is going to come back.
Iraq survivors are doing some voting, I think, in regards to a constitutionary document. I don't usually have information shows on my television unit, but a show I intended to watch was delayed by inclement baseball or nasautomobile driving or some junk like that. However, instead of the usual two hours, this time it was only about half an hour, so after I had switched the thing off, and dealt with you for some minutes, a bit of time later I turned it back on just to be sure it was a big enough put-off that I could not try to watch the scheduled program at all, and actually get something done for a change. Instead, of what I'd turned off, hey look, people talking about stuff with a greater potential to be important. That meant "my show" was coming next and now I had to watch it. Some woman, notable for wearing glasses, pointed out, regarding Iraq: "just one election does not a democracy make." No, I suppose not. And one election does not make a democracy, either, Yoda.
Yes, I wrote the whole introduction just for that. And I'm going to put this here now, because it's too stupid to justify posting after I've forgotten about and found it months later. It is good that I have a system.
All right, now what?
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Saturday, October 15, 2005 |
Moo! All old people are gay! Moo!
There's something about calling a stupid internet journal a "blog" that makes people type as if they are addressing a devoted fanbase of thousands. They talk like they are the first, but also the final voice on everything. Everyone wants to be Hitler. I searched for the phrase "america's finest news source," wondering if there was actually a legitimate reporting organization which used such a slogan. Instead, I found weblog entries starting with stuff like "once again they prove their stupendiosity" or "so it has come to pass they did good once more" and then quoting long passages from onion.com articles (or theonion.com, if you're one of those people who insists on typing "jeeves" when they go to ask.com). You're so right, the onion is splendid, but I'd rather read snippets of it from your pretensious self-indulgent 200-pixel-width tablefest than the thing in its entirety from the free website you stole it off of!
If you, o "blogger," have no comment other than "this is good, I approve," then I presume you have only mentioned it for the sake of your many followers who might have wondered if it was all right for them to like it. You're so good to them. I would gladly donate my own fake internet money to you so you can keep stating the same opinions, making the same observations and linking to the same websites as whoever else is in your political party or Yahew group or rotary club or whatever it is. Whore.
Every one of them has a title and some kind of one line description, yet I can't tell a single one apart, beyond the rigid categories they've willingly shrink-wrapped themselves into. Before completing registering for webspace, when confronted by the sign-up form item which determines what advertisements will be shown, each person asks the deep personal question: "Should I only have thoughts pertinent to occurences in inconsequential sports, typical movies, or boring politics?" But within a category it's easy to get lost. Excuse me, is this Dave's Blog, Gingruenment? Oh, this is Urframmuxed Nipgorpulation, The Dave Blog, excuse me. Right, A Fardtacular Muppet of Rewmurf and Nurpisque. It sure is that. At any rate, congratulations, Dave, Ben, Frank, Lynn, and friends, on having first names 10 million other people each also have, for knowing a few large words, and having decided exactly what your limits and capabilities are. What's that? You like bands too? That's stupendous. You've solved life. So get dead already.
The worst selling video games according to some list I made months ago and forgot about.
Note that they are not necessarily the worst games, only that they did not make great profits, if at all. Still, it is assumable that most are quite awful. In fact, forget that whole "not necessarily" part. I can tell you with all factually that they are wretched and fully deserving of their bad sales. N-POV can go jump in a dumpster and join them. If you own any of these, hopefully you have not opened their packaging. Not because they will be worth great amounts of money due to their rarity, but more because of the suffering you'd go through to use the things. I do this as a service to you. So thank me. They are presented in the order I thought of them. I mean in the order- ARRRRRRRRGH, I'VE BEEN SHOT!
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Super Mario Brokers
Sonic the Hedge
Clowno Trigger
Scrabbletoads
Kid Licorice
Dragon Worrier
Legend of Zell Miller
Hemmroid Fusion
Doof
Doof II
Wolfenstein 3g
Simchimney
River City Income Tax
Punch In..
Dig Doug
Stammerin' Harry
Kid Nikita Kruschev
Jay Lenogears
Star Puddle
Final Fanta
Trekkie Crew
Pickle Pubicle
Megaman Ecks Vs. Sever
Romance of the Three Kings
Garfield: Caught in the Zipper
Photoshop Lens Flare In the Darkness
Dynasty Caterers
Kirby's Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome Flashbackland
Daikatana (Poor Ion Storm)
Zombies Ate My Dinner
Sock Frontier
Rival Stool Samples
The People's Democratic Republic of Donkey Konga
Legend of the Mystical Nanny
RayManwich
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So watch out.
Page 32 of this. Oh, well.
I have no intention of updating that dailyly. First: That would be impossible. Third, you have better things to do than come here every day, so I'd be wasting the effort. If you don't have better things to do there is probably some aspect of you that would make me hate you if I met you, so that effort by me would still be deemed a waste by me to please a scoundrel like you.
And yet, were you not a scoundrel, the only way I could conceivably make one of those each day would be if I went by the newspaper format, and why would I do that if I was not being paid to do so, by, for example, a newspaper? Why should I compromise my [hypothetical potential to produce] quality for free? A lot of online comic strips are updated dayly and crammed into three-or-four tiny enclosures of non-negotiable width percentage, yet are not syndicated. What is the reason for limiting yourself, then? What? Because you're a ho? Oh. You use that excuse a lot. Scoundrel-ho.
I can't even guarantee weekly (as I've proven). This is about as far as I got with organized layouts in the original, slightly worsely drawn version four years ago (see: the first few pages, which I didn't bother to re-do), so I no longer proceed with a definite knowledge of what should follow. It is shocking, isn't it, that what's been exhibited thus far had any amount of planning in it. Yes, well, if there's any more, that will be even less planned.
Do you remember that advertisement where the two gopes want to buy toilet paper and beer, but can only afford one, and so choose the beer? And then when asked which sort of bag they want (because you really need a bag for one item)... no, they aren't even asked about a bag. No bag is implied. They are just asked "paper or plastic?" and then both say "paper!" in response in unison, because they plan to tear the bag up and scrape their exposed posteriors with it later. That was one of those "funny" ads. The kind that will harrass me for
months and months, and then in its last week of circulation my father will see it for the first time and laugh at it in my presence. He doesn't really think it's funny, but I'm a disappointing offspring so he likes to mock me like that.
The joke should be, ha ha, these nerds are so hopelessly devoted to beer that they'll forego crucial hygenical upgrades so to get drunk instead. They are pathetic. However, since it was written and filmed by a company which sells beer, the message is different, and actually there is no joke at all, really. A hypothetical joke would only arrive at the expense of positive ideas about alcohol. It derides people for buying beer.
It says, in effect: look at these slobs. They can only afford one item with their finances combined because they kept getting drunk when they were supposed to be working, and now they have nothing left. They're never going to improve, either, since their first priority is still to buy beer. And now they won't even be able to clean themselves properly. They're doomed. But maybe it's not too late for you. Don't end up like them. Instead...
drink O'Doul's nearly non-alcoholic beer, another fine product of the Anheuser Busch corporation! (and O'Doul)
Arrrgh! I've been tricked again!
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Saturday, October 8, 2005 |
You've done well to find this place, but I'm afraid I don't speak to anyone not holding a charmstone.
As far as I'm aware, I'm the only person in the family that I'm in who has never been drunk. I wonder if the other ones are trying to tell me something. This website can certainly only improve.
Don't wait until it's too late (five periods) No, not to get tutor-help for you anatomy and/or physiology class before you fail it. To pray for forgiveness over your many blasphemes before Zeus smites the muscle and flesh right off your not-pitiful-enough bones. You'd better hurry up and start, and even more so finish, as Jupiter has been known to go ahead with a blow-up job while people are in the very process which the completion of would avert the imminentness of their demise.
Am I as like a believer in unicorns, forest nymphs and owl-bears, or are creepily named things like "popcorn chicken" and "chicken fries" just excuses to decrease the ratio of actual meat to [cheaper and more fattening] fried breading? It seems to me that they are. You there, do not think that I dislike this fried breading; I actually have a hard time eating most chicken meat that comes without any. However, after a certain point, I start feeling like I might as well eat Funyuns for dinner. And that will be KFC's problem, won't it.
Similar in concept, I believe, are mini-muffins or anything with the word "bites" in its name. Hooray, more crust! Who are these for? Seriously, how hard is it to eat a whole muffin? I checked, and a quantity approximately equal to one full muffin is in each sealed bag-thing, and whatever you don't eat will soon become stale. So you have to eat the whole muffin or you will have wasted money! Do not you see? It's a trick! Any time the size per object of an edible thing is altered, it's some kind of cost cutting measure. With miniature muffins, the muffin company had more shiny paper than muffin-meat, so they decided to individually wrap the same quantity of muffin more times. Add in the excess space between each bite in each pouch and the other space between each pouch, and the disappearance of an entire muffin has been effectively covered up. The Hostess company is like some kind of muffin mafia. You might think people will be suspicious if there are only five items in each box, but the box size is also changed! They make a slightly longer box, insert six items, and charge you for seven! I never see that type of box used for other products. That box was specially invented for mini-muffins. It's a conspiracy, man!
In addition to reduced size items, such methods can work with larger size items. Now, unlike before now, there are large M&Ms. The balance between chocolate and weird colored-coating was upset by an unknown force, so a way was devised to use less coating but to still cover all the chocolate. The "thin, colorful candy shells," as they are called, are formed from a mixture of petroleum, bald eagle feathers and actual endangered sea turtle shells. They were deemed too expensive to continue making at the previous rate. However, the chocolate cannot survive without its coating. Und so ve haf really big M&Ms. You read it here first.
The reason turtles are endangered is due to their many foes. Every creature has foes, but evolution eventually grants them with special attributes, –if they survive to evolve– which will keep enough alive to not be seen as endangered. Frequently, these attributes are of an evasive nature, and in this is the problem. Alas, as turtles fight with honor, they refuse to utilize such attributes, which they regard as cowardly, and, in most cases, themselves not being mutated or ninjas (don't even mention the current shortage of ninja weapons at sea), they are defeated easily, and tonight I dine on turtle soup.
Oh, and the dollars demanded for the purchasing of oil: That's all a lie. I heard, on the very day that hurricane Katalina reached land, that the price of oil had increased to 6 dollars per gallon but gone down to 3, both movements before I even woke up from sleeping. A blatant admission that the cost has nothing to do with actual oil. It's all up to some dipe in a booth making a guess and turning a dial. This at last explains, despite the wide proliferation of button operated television consoles, the continued use of the phrase "don't touch that dial." Or maybe it's for water conservation, because we shower too much, using dial brand soap. If I forgot I wrote this and you recited it to me, I would hate you.
I mentioned last week something about Andrew Wetherbee Dick having a television program on the MTV channel. What I didn't realize, because I'm fortunate, is that in addition to the show I meant from a few years ago, he had another different MTV show more recently. Thus doubling the figure. Adjust your math accordingly.
It's probably not a good sign for my potential future enjoyment of Saturday Night Live when the most I laughed through the whole show was learning that Ashlee Simpson was going to be musical guest the next week. Oh, hooray for our scripted self-referential awkwardness! Is there a chance in Delaware that she would ever have been on again if not for that aspect of the program? If you're lucky enough to not know, some time ago Simpson had some kind of problem on the show, and this was major news to people with minor minds. While you might think that would be terribly difficult to watch and indicative of unprofessionalism at all levels and not just those of the guest, that was, in actuality, good for the show. S Night L loves nothing more than to schedule actual participants from topical public mishaps. Then millions of new dopes with no desire to see the current cast will watch for one night, and the studio audience will applaud for two minutes, and there will be scenes of it on every retardo clip show, all without good television having to get made. Ha ha, remember the time Monica Lewinsky was a special guest? Remember how controversial, ground-breaking and memorable that wasn't? Well, this coming week's event will be almost as good, I'm sure. Is Ashtray Simpson even still kind-of famous? I guess the topicality clause can be temporarily overridden if a non-scandal involves the show itself. I've been watching, with some frequency since, oikes, 1996ish, and I can't remember a musical guest ever being on twice. Certainly not within the same year-length period. And a couple of them weren't terrible, maybe.
When I heard Kahn Yaywest was to be on the season start show, I immediately knew why. I wanted to say something here, prior to that, like "Gee, I wonder if there's going to be an on camera reunion with Mike Myers, that beyond the actual booking of the two and their agreeing to appear together is entirely non significant?" but then if it didn't happen I'd feel stupid, and I needed to reserve that for the thing I was writing about my wiki jaunt. But last week, loaf, there it was! Michael McMiars loitering backstage, as if he lives there, and Ota-Kanye West saying unintelligible stuff he was probably reading for the first time then. I don't know why I had doubts regarding the event's coming, after the time last season when Paula Abdullah personally oversaw the sketch making fun of her and thus guaranteeing it not be as funny as it could be, and also that it be three times harder to watch. I'm not saying that otherwise it would have been funnier, but due to that person's presence I can not definitively say whose fault my wishing not to have watched it was. And it's not like comedy poison shows up for free; they are actually paid in money to appear, and probably more than the writers of the sketch they would have ruined were it funny. Also note that this has nothing to do with Jimmy Fallon, Anthony Michael Hall, Rob Riggle or Gallagher II not being on the show anymore.
Some punk named Steve Carrell was the invited host person on the most recent occasion. He started this by singing, and that's always a good sign, isn't it. Is it?
No.
Yes!
NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughfn, Ben Stiller, now he's "one of those guys," according to the song. I thought the song was going to make fun of how that's exactly what they are. "Those guys," who, if they all switched roles it would make not a bean of difference. "Those guys" that I hadn't heard of five years ago and hope to not still be seeing five years from now. "Those guys" that I've never desired to watch a movie starring. "Those guys" that I assume I hate, but don't know for certain because they're so unremarkable that if one did something annoying, I forgot what it was or which did it. "Those guys" who have probably hosted Saturday Night Live, but that I can't recall any sketches including.
But no, the song is just about how Steve was in a popular movie that sold a lot of tickets, and now he's the same as those lerds, and that's all. Alas, after seeing this week's show from the beginning, I fear I may have to agree. I don't agree, but I fear having to. The song actually began with some line like "I started off on Jon Stewart..." I've never heard anyone refer to The Daily Show as "Jon Stewart." True, I was never "on" it, so maybe I don't know what the insider terminoligies are, but the audience wasn't "on" it either. If they were, that really was not a fair prerequisite requirement for being an audience member. And the next line didn't rhyme with stewart, if I recall. Steve only called the show Jon Stewart because that's what one of "those guys" would have called it.
Steve Corel really is now Amelica's newest funnyman, quite regardless of the opinion of some daft magazine that I thought folded in the 1960s. Before Saturday I would have protested that he's not new to Amelica, new to being funny or new to being a man, but now I realize he's just new to the label "funnyman." One of those people who I see on billboards and think of "Oh, I know what he does. He's a comedian... I guess."
By der way, I have seen The Office. I can't wait to stop seeing it.
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