Roneldo Ranch
on the verge of entertaining

back to front
September 2006, ho.

I think the chocolate wig was a bit much.

Apparently, this woman is fat (and probably looking for a new agent.) Also, apparently this woman is back. Where had she gone, why was she scraping plates, and how is it possible to do that sexily? And if she's rising to the top of something, is it not more likely that she is bloated by air than meat?

Oh yoy, more noisy things of unforeseeable listenability to disguise the fact that all typed bits I have prepared are so dated and now occurring after the things they were anticipating as to be unusable. Since I actually made these, they may be just as unusable.

It would seem Bugles™ look as dumb on your head as your fingers.  How about that.

I have many unfinished midis. This is one. It goes on for about three minutes and doesn't quite end. Maybe it will. Maybe later. I realize the first few seconds sound like nausea. Perhaps I will log an 85% superfluous .mp3 version if I ever devise/steal a definitive end.

A midi file imitating battle music heard in the little known, less acknowledged NES game Gimmick!. Gimmick! looks like what would come about if Kirby went back in time a few years and defied science and logic in several more ways to have a baby with Bub Ulbobble. It is one of the few Sunsoft games to have monsters in colors other than gray and pink. Now they are grey and orange.

That midi has been at about this point since Februaryish, but something about it always sounded wrong, and I would play it back over and over again without quite knowing what. Maybe you can tell me. I just found something someone else said referencing this game's music, and thought "oh no, someone else is going to see that and make better midis and I'll have no excuse for ever putting mine anywhere." Officially I still have that excuse until tomorrow.

I also made a midi, even longer ago, for the battle music from something called "Rmadillo," but my favorite drum noise turned out to be a trianguly "bink" sound on every midi system other than mine that I played it back on, and now my current midi system messes it up too, so I can't even hear it properly. Harumph.

Last, for now, level 3 music, also from Gimmick Exclamation Point. This one seems a bit too loud. This would be easier to fix if I hadn't used volume change commands inside the file itself, because now I need to alter every one of those to keep the same relative amplitude. And I still do.

Satterdah, September 2
They're heroes in a half shell and they're green.

A warning to parents:


Do not mistake this for yet another unfair attack on wikehpedia's struggles with anonymous user accountability. I think it is a fine resource, helpful for ferrying across the meepmire of various websites which may not give complete information or present it legibly. I want to know strange things, and there's rarely a relevant occasion for people to answer my questions about, say, suppositories (they melt). Fortunately, relevance need not be a factor.
No, I do not attack. Rather, to the contrary, I commend the unkowable author of this item on the fine reporting and consumer advocacy. People need to know. Awesome or not, this alien leero ought to be subject to the same laws as the rest of us while within our atmosphere.

I was busy today. Do you really think I would have Widget at the top of this page for three days if I was in control of the situation? Well, I probably wouldn't.

Note that if I was in the process of telling a story, I most certainly would not interject junk like this.

I recently stumbled over something called Note that this is not to be confused with, which goes to a completely different list of the exact same webcomics, rumored to number in the thousands.

But anyway, the web comic list, in addition to the list, if you can even find the list, shows ads for specific comics at the side of every page.

Congratulations, ass. You might as well ask me if I think i'm bad enough to rescue the president. And the answer is that I'm not. If your indistinguishably generic, Wal Mart brand artwork wasn't reason enough to stay away, and your attitude still wasn't, the knowledge that you paid money to that website to bring the attitude to me was.

The first time I went to that website in July, this ad was at the left. When I went back in September (I was searching for my misplaced camera), it was still there. Whoever made this awful ad is paying money every month to show it to me. It seems that at the web comic list (and everywhere, for all I know), persons pay for ad views or an amount of days for the ad to be visible during, whichever comes first. That means if I set up my computer to reload any page on that site over and over again, theoretically I could cost people slightly more money than they expect to pay. Ha ha ha.

Look at me! I niche my characters! I openly acknowledge that I am merely filling predefined archetype roles! Sure, that's typical of what happens anyway, but why preclude the possibility of character growth happening? I did look at this comic (but making sure not to click the ad), and, alas, it seemed like it could have been funny to me if I wasn't so fundamentally bothered by its awareness of itself. And then after a certain point I stopped finding things that I would have found funny so that's good, I guess. I can't guarantee my own comics are funny, but I certainly wouldn't call you a twit for not thinking so. I may seek out another reason, but it would be a good reason.

I can't tell if it's made in a computer program, having character bases reused with appropriate arm or mouth manipulations, or if the person who draws it has very limited range. I can say it's really annoying that they always look exactly the same and gives the whole krinkadoodle a very unpleasant manufactured look. The sort of look that says "I was made by a staff of miserable hacks working from model sheets! Anyone who tries to develop the designs or exhibit legitimate artistic expression in any way will be fired! Tra lala."

It has to be one of any creative artist's worst fears realized. You've drawn your stupid characters since you were faw yeahs ode, you have all their personalities defined yet moldable, all their quirks ready to be exploited, countless adventures planned out for them, and everyone's been telling you for years you should get a job making that happen. And then you finally meet Ligris de Shoebox's personal assistant twice removed, and you pull out your puerto folio and you say
these are The Speidbomps, they live in a giant cardboard fish and they only eat dehydrated olives, and- Shut up. You're drawing Beetle Bailey, you can't do anything new, and no one will ever know your name. Here is your "Mort Walker" stamp. Get crackin'.
Don't think the Bat-Man got to where he is today (that being at the "beginning") without crushing a few hundred dreams.

Maybe I'm being unfair to this comic; plenty of them are worse.

Yet I shall refer to the on-site description for outer circle anyway, just because I don't want to see any more webcomics today. Possibly toweek. I hope for your sake that you "cartoonists" (a proper dictionary term, but those I address are far from proper) out there don't really look at every site you link to every single day. How could you have time, and why would you want to? That's why they have those "next" and "previous" links. So you can wait a while and read a bunch at once, if you're into that sort of thing.

A daily webcomic about a group of "friends" breaking the fourth wall for your viewing pleasure.

As you might know (though I wish I didn't), "fourth wall" is a theatre term for the imagined boundary between the stage and the audience. To "break" such a wall involves an actor acknowledging the presence of an audience member, and therefore acknowledging the fictional, farcical nature of the performance. It can be funny in moderation, but to continuously do so makes viewers wonder "why do any of the rules they've set forth matter, why should I still believe they're in 1673 and fighting with swords instead of cardboard props, what's keeping them on the stage and stopping them from saying they're hurling telekinetic mind beams at each other, what significance does the script have if they scriptedly claim to be off the script, and most importantly why am I even watching this if it's all fake?"

Does that sound pleasurable? There's something about comics specifically that makes characters aware they are in comics. It happens a lot and I hate it a lot.

What's your point? That doesn't make me hate it any less.

Can you imagine reading a book that did that? It would make you mad!

"Give me one good reason why I should let you through this door," Sporkopolis demanded. Shmirkenheim responded, appearing to only have two very wide mouth-length teeth, "Because I am the main character and author of this story, and if I don't get in there then this story has no point." "Sigh," sighed Sporkopolis, her heaving bosom heaving, I guess you're right. Please don't kill me off in the next chapter." Shmirkenheim smirked smugly and douchebaggishly "Of course not. You have boobs. I need you for the obligatory fanservice, and it is one word and obligatory. Although I will not hesitate to remind you that I control every aspect of what goes on here, for a reason which does not exist I quite literally do not have a choice when it comes to adhering to annoying clichés. However, in my own damaged mind it's OK to be unoriginal if I acknowledge how unoriginal I am. And if we were in a web comic this right now would be a giant panel with just my head and these words in it and I would have mentioned Penny Arcade by now." Just then Fagenstein The Gay Monster magically appeared in the vicinity and warned "the author is lazy so no paragraph today. And now this page is in the book forever."

No, books don't do that because no one would ever pay to read that. And I don't expect they would buy an overpriced mug with the pertinent logo on it either.

But I started this by complaining about advertising, a thing I would love if I didn't, you know, hate advertising so much.
A lot of comics at –some of which have paid the ad fee– had not even existed for a month before starting their mass exposure campaigns. It's almost as if they KNOW they won't be able to maintain prolonged interest, and understand that if they don't solicit hopeful, anticipatory attention now, there will never have been any attention of any kind. Sure enough, plenty are "last updated" on or about the days of years past they were added to the list. It's not uncommon to have "first comics" that are just excuses for the "real" first comic not being ready yet. So you told all your friends as well as a machine that is NOT your friend about a new thing you've made that you HAVEN'T ACTUALLY MADE YET. Why do you live? I've been whining about
that sort of thing for years, but this current situation bothers me especially, because the content most of the persons deal in is so formulaic and simplistic —there are only so many things that can happen in 3-4 frames, and even less still to characters specifically depicting your real life acquaintances on their First Day of College— that the only excuse for giving up so soon after making it other people's problem is having your soul return to you and realizing you're not a whore, but that's not what happens at all, because they continue partaking of whatever initial imitations inspired their own imitations to begin with. Or something. Definitely something. I was trying to fix this part so it ended seeming less mean, but I don't think I succeeded.

This sums everything up nicely. Though to be fair, every other strip is the writer making some sort of excuse. He paid money to host that.

And when are people going to learn that flashy, blendy Adobe Photoshop tricks look really, truly awful when used in otherwise flat-colored, black-outlined pictures? And in all other contexts?

Sometimes I wonder why I do not have more friends. This is not one of those times.

Katherine Margaret Elizabeth Couric becoming the new CBS news anchor news is itself big news, despite every person who regards it as such being 76% twitwit and having known about its coming for many months.

I didn't hear nearly this much hubbubalish when Brian Williams ate Tom Brokaw. True, he wasn't a woman, but... but nothing. I thought we were past this. It's not hard to read words and stare ahead, all the less so if you've been doing it for years, regardless of the disparity in daftness between what you now and used to read, and regardless of how close to naked your "formal attire" is allowed to render you. Even if Ms. Couric didn't show up because she tried to kill herself after actually turning around and seeing who, what was outside for the first time during her final Today Show, and the nightly news crew just turned the camera on the teleprompter, I think the worst grade you could fairly give the broadcast would be a D.

The result, as of Wednesday, September 7, 11:32pm, Eastern Standard Time, Corinthians: indifference or no consensus.

The only time I ever was graded with an F was in the third grade class, when assigned to write something like "things you can do to improve your community." Uhhh... I wrote nothing, which was probably the most truthful answer in the class. F, rage, rage, brief moment of unconciousness, sparklevision, headache. Unless Katie Kouric said no words the whole time and passed out at the end, after staring ahead confused and angrily for many minutes, wishing she was brave enough to jump out the window, I doubt it was really as bad as 122 of the "fix my dinner" crowd who also watched the 11 o'clock news to learn about this poll, and probably hadn't burned 5 calories in as many hours somehow managed the energy to claim.

It seems that I will be going somewhere for a few days. Hopefully, if there's anything terribly embarrassing about the below entry, it's not the sort of thing that will occur to me until I actually see the page again.

Friddee, September 8
if you tell me, you will be punished less

My derogatory reference to "model sheets" was not intending to imply that I think it is bad to know the proper way to draw a thing, and indeed there are usually some elusive, not readily thought of details which inhibit a character's ability to be rendered recognizably by someone other than the person who did it first. However, those important yet minor aspects typically do not include how many chest hairs Duck Man has. The only thing on that page which looks terribly wrong (in the context that the first one is "right," anyway) are the cross-focused pupils, and even that with time can appear normal if the gap between the eyes is big enough, a gap that a helpful note says to aim for. Otherwise, I cannot tell which is the real Duck Man (though the idea of a convincing fake and thus an apparent two Duck Men frightens me to no end) , and that's with a static image. I wouldn't know at all if it was moving around and doing things.

I tend to think Claxy Supso cartoons only stand to benefit from artists drawing intuitively rather than from a creepy chart. I seriously doubt whoever drew the first Duck Man had done all that much refining, if any. "Huh? Whuh? You want a character called Duck Man? Ah, alright, *scribble scribble* there, there's Duck Man. Remember to always draw Duck Man exactly like that, with all the same arbitrary strokes and whatnot or I'll sue ya bastids. Now give me a million dollars and let me get back to inventing Furry Fandom."

When seeking out that link, which I had first seen months ago, I had to look around a bit, because as its url suggests, it no longer is where it once was. Yes, and while searching for the phrase "off model," I found this, notable for being written by, if my sources are correct, the person who devised Rennenstimpie, the show which while terribly unique ensured it would be impossible to watch a new Amelican animated series without gagging for the next decade. If he has to step back and say "yuck," then maybe we all should. Or that might mean we're heading in the right direction and should change nothing. Arrrgh, I've lost the model sheet that explains how to manage my personal biases!

My most conciously racist moment occured when I was in fifthish or fourth grade (these both occured in the same classroom and during the only two years I was at the school), waiting, in the gatekeeper office through which one must pass to reach the principal office, I think, for a parent to retrieve me for some reason. An Asiany-looking family-type-unit entered together, and the two parents or one parent were talking to one of the other larger-than-me humans in the room, arranging an appointment or obtaining forms or one of those things that happens in an office like that. I think there were two children, but there might also have been one. I spoke "are you Japanese or Chinese?" Not even in a "are you one of these?" tone, but more like "you are one, but which?" The mother answered and said something about one of the Koreas, neither, of which, I'd ever heard, and the sentence continued, but I recall no words or events after that. Maybe they put me to work in the rice field. I suspect I left the room and waited elsewhere; I seem to recall watching them leave and hoping they didn't recognize me. Another person might dismiss this guilt with "you were only tenelevenish years aged at the time," but it was the oldest I'd ever been at that point. And then I never spoke to people in public again.

Page 47 of this.
Hmmm. Doing it this way also takes much, much too long. It also makes the pictures look like they were drawn with sand, which would be fine if they were.

Another problem is that before being colored, it is possible to merely imply the presense of certain things much more easily. So easily, that I can leave things such as background objects, panel distinctions, and whole limbs implied (or rendered in an extremely vague fashion) and not realize they aren't actually there until the page is already long past scanned and then I have to sort it out in the computer program, which slows things down a great deal, especially when it turns out their absense allowed other things to be quite definitively drawn in out of proper alignment with each other, which is always. In other news, I recently tried using the phamous Photoshop and a version of Paint Shop Pro from this century. I hate them both. At least now I won't have to feel bad/paranoid about not paying for them when I eventually don't buy them.

Satterdah, September 16
Everyone is prejudice against radishes.

Quite some while ago, actually just about a year, I mentioned that I could not wait to stop watching NBC's The Office. Alas, it has not happened yet. You have to understand that most new shows get cancelled very quickly, so it is unreasonable to expect any to last very long, so I would not likely get stuck viewing it for more than two months of 9:30pm Tuesdays (and I didn't, because they switched it to Thursday at random times entirely without consulting me). I suspect this is a major reason other people, who like wanting to watch television, avoid new shows: because they don't want to get attached to a new show and then see it deleted from the schedule. So anyway, The Office is still on, and of all the awful things to have happened, I started to enjoy it. Note that this fortunately was before any awful emmy nominations/wins/subsequent obligatory NBC "we dare ya ta hate this" campaigns. There is no chance in Connecticut State Governor Jodi Rell that I would have started once they started.

History: Back when the comic strip Dilbert began getting really popular, maybe ten years ago, all the advertising was suddenly set up to resemble Dilbert environments. Lots of people in grey rooms who have no emotions or first names wearing uncomfortable looking clothing whining about "veepees." But it didn't work on television, in advertising, because Dilbert has a new strip every day, rather than shoving the same joke done the same way at you seven times per day each day for six months. Also, Dilbert is mainly about despair, and excitement is only had over really pathetic things, and we are meant to laugh at rather than with them. However, while that does sell lots of merchandise, regardless of whether it should, that is all Dilbert specific merchandise, rather than Vanilla Coke and internet service.

So the advertisers decided to make everything about offices themselves, and tried to make me feel the fictional workers' enthusiasm for the Dodge Neon or Geo Metro or Edsel II or whatever car it was, and it doesn't work, [on me, because I'm not a moron but also] because when I see those emotionless (and now somehow also confident and self-assured) grey room people, I hate them if I'm supposed to think about them realistically and/or identify them. Oh, that's right, these are people who write buggy software and charge money for it and probably invented the concept of "15 days or uses, whichever comes first." These are people who go inside Starbuckses willingly and frequently. These are the people who have "water cooler conversations." These are the people who get an e-mail titled "I love you" and download and run its attachment and flunk up their entire networks so badly that whatever product their company sells mysteriously costs 5% more next week and continues costing more when consumers don't refuse to buy it at the bloated price (I'll be right amazed if gasoline ever costs less than $2 in this country again without the invention of a competing fuel source by a totally unrelated company with no interest in sabotaging such a thing). I hate these people.

The rich movie executive tworps who swap jokes with the rich advertising executive tworps all have ad-skipping t-voh's and/or are totally retarded, so they don't get so oversatturated with the bombardment of unfunny, idiocy, and misconception about the way non-rich people live that those expected to buy things do. It may have begun to die down for a while after the movie Office Space performed less than satisfactorily in theatres, but at some point a person to whom such terms are important heard it referred to as "cult classic," and ever since then apparently every adult person in the United States rides to work in a carpool, builds spreadsheets in a cubicle and goes to lots of board meetings. I'm here to say that I like Fruity Pebbles in a major way this way of life is completely alien to me or anyone I've met and I refuse to part with any quantity of dollars that might further bring forth this message. Not that I know a lot of people or buy a lot of things. Lucky for you.

Which brings me to the television show called "The Office." It is not about office work; it took me several months to even figure out that the company whose office is depicted sells paper. I see the characters typing at their keyboards and talking on their telephones, but they generally stop once the camera focuses on them, and then they begin doing something entirely unproductive. They seem more like children than responsible, dead-end job adults. I don't know where they buy their staplers or who provides their "business solutions." So far, there hasn't been an entire episode set up around the copying machine not working. If I don't work in an office, I probably can't identify with it, and if I did work in such a soul-sucking sitcom continuity office, why would I want to watch more of that tripe on television, let alone a trivialized version trying to get my master to buy a better copying machine?

, asphyxiated, and received brain damage.

The new season begins next week, but I'm not going to advise you to start watching it if you never have, because I don't have the influence to think you would consider any recommendation from me, and if I did, inevitably every episode that aired from here until you gave up in disgust would be terrible, just to spite me, so don't you bother. When the ads aren't claiming "funniest hour on television," they're trying to play up some nonsense love drama related to the last new episode that aired, an aspect which wasn't even done particularly well, I don't think. It would have worked much better in the boat episode or the more recent Chili's episode. But eh, the show isn't about that, and if it starts being about that, then I will like it less. For now, don't believe NBC, and don't watch because you believe me.

I wasn't worrying until about a moment ago.
Somehow that doesn't relieve me in the least.

I consider this a triumph. You might protest: "that's silly. What idiot enters urls into a search box?" I would respond to say I don't know, but that whoever it/they is/are has/have done that at least eleven times. Further, if what my scouts report about the [currently] number one result is true, I believe these persons are better off misled. That is, if they aren't just searching in such a way to protest informal contraction as enforced language, though I would approve of that as well. I look forward to more good news.

Scripted outtakes included in final cuts never get any less funny. It is not mathematically possible.

I wonder how many gay icons daytime television needs before the space aliens who steal our satellite signals start assuming every human on earth is gay and procreate entirely through artificial insemination.

I don't want to hate Megan Mullally, because Conan, my love, seems to think she's funny, and I do enough despising anyway, but she is making it really hard. Whatever this ad thinks it's telling me about is probably better than The Charlotte Church Show, but that shouldn't be enough.

Also, apparently Charlotte Church finally stopped being 12 years old, and despite the flash of a possibly unique career that would make classical music seem less inaccessable to the people who insist music be accessable, and thus have it be more likely to be played in public areas, possibly in place of the usual things that make me wish I was deaf, Miss Game-Save House of Worship wised up and jumped for the overexposed teen tripester path at just the right moment to more effectively become indistinguishable from her American counterparts. Music album deliberately classifying self as "pop?" Yes. Followed around by, probably leading on any dumpsterbait dork with a camera? Yeps. Given massive media exposure in fields she has no experience with? Affirmative! Drunk at high profile parties? Yes indeedilydiaper! Involved with creepy, though legally not pedophiley photo-shoots? Probably, I don't want to look. Unreadable fansites? It would seem to be foretold by legend. Don't click those, just be aware they are there. I can't say for certain how bad the show named after her is; I saw a clip and at worst she's a bit annoying, but not retarded. But once again, that shouldn't be enough.

Well, you probably ought to.

not actual ventriloquist puppet

Aw, gee. David, the Letter man, whose show I can watch again because of things in space, someone under his command has scheduled to appear tonight a ventriloquism act called "Ronn Lucas and Scorch." I'm assuming Ronn Lucas is the real person. It's weird enough watching this sort of thing, but this page I just came across entirely by community chest uses the phrase "reptillian friend" to describe the other. First of all, most puppets I've seen have been too antagonistic toward their operators for me to presume a friendship is evident. But also, is this Lucas character going to be making dragon jokes? I have long held the belief, since right about the time I acquired internet, that dragon jokes are never funny, partially because the people who make them are usually too scary to have properly functioning humor drives.
Lost Vikings 2 in differing DOS-cdrom and Super Nintendo versions made me refine my statement to be that dragon (also named "Scorch," I suppose that's like the serpently equivelant of Horatio or Muriel) jokes, as well as viking or werewolf jokes, could be funny if they were presented in text and not awful celebrity impersonating voiceovers. I think if Gilbert Gottfried is not available, or worse, beyond your price range, you should use that as an opportunity to rethink your strategy, not track down another guy who sounds like him.

In the end, I hope Ronn can prove me to be wrong, because I watch television to be entertained, after all, though if he doesn't that's also great because I hate being wrong. I also acknowledge that most human guests on shows like this bother or bore me, and that even an unfunny puppet is typically more interesting to watch do very little.

Ehhh, well, I suppose, if I had to make a comparison, I would say it was better than the guy with the monkey, and without any misplaced Sean Connery impersonations... and it was definitely the most expensive looking ventrilahhh puppet I've seen, but that was all fairly disturbing, yes. I think it was the eyes-at-front-of-head ABC's Dinosaurs look that put me off. However, I acknowledge that 90% of potential audiences would probably find that less creepy than the skull-proximity-exceeding frog eyes I draw on everything. I fear I may mention this subject again.

Friday, September 22, 2006
what you got is what we need and all we do is dirty deeds


Name: CAM-RA, the Everliving
Last seen: Late August, at moderately miserable Branford, Connecticut eat-zone "SBC," at the nearer-to-entrance side of the double booth beside the transparent jugs which appear to contain coffee beans, in the position that requires you crawl all the way along the other side of the booth because of a thoughtlessly placed ceiling support column. No, really.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Needs elastic band-like-object of specific length to hold damaged battery chamber closed at all times excepting when new batteries are presented as offerings. All settings revert to defaults, including date (12-31-2002) if batteries absent or not clutched tightly enough for too long. Occasionally beeps for seemingly no reason if told to take pictures when it doesn't want to. Will not take pictures with flash at all unless you turn Cam-Ra on and off five times as notice.
If seen, report to [email protected] or gay wizard in photograph.

I wouldn't drink leaked water.

Fantastic. According to fluid that oozed down the side of a punctured brain, Osama bin Laden might be dead, but maybe not. You might as well run a headline that says "Cure for Disco Fever Discovered, Chihuahuas and Brocolli Broker Mid East Peace Agreement, Aliens Share Energy Secrets and Candy, Aeris Found Alive, Phonograph Records Good Source of Potassium, Perhaps, Totally Dubious, Possibly Imaginary Sources Claim." At least Weekly World News is inventive when saying whatever the ear it feels like.

See also: from December 14, 2001, the upper right picture on this page, but not for too long. Bin Laden trapped? We'd better says something speculative now just in case he gets away, because then we won't get to say anything about it! Not that we have anything to say, of course.

Finally, don't assume catching or deadening this miscreant is going to change anything. It might, but it might not.

Optional (only the previous items will be on the test): the miserable miner story from January. It's still as dumb as it was nine months ago. Unfortunately, there's been so many stupid news items lately that I can't say with certainty which ones it may have given birth to, and I'm sure I've disappointed it by not guessing.

Page 48 of this. Because I can and it seemed appropriate, not because it looks particularly good magnified. Still, I think this page is pretty, even if it is inconsistent with the one before. (it is) If you hate this, but only because of the unusual layout, I have prepared this. Aren't I so thoughtful when it comes to things that don't matter?

I've heard some whining about NBC having two shows about Saturday Night Live type shows, but we have much bigger hypothetical, purely speculative problems than that.

I'm personally worried that this "30 Rock" show is going to lead to a whole new unbearable level of self-referentialness at uh "30 Rock." The real one. I can imagine "30 Rock," the show, which will always, always be within quotation marks until Rockefeller Center officially changes its name to "Rock," having an episode about the writers of the show portrayed in it writing a sketch about a show depicting what goes on behind its own scenes. And then real Saturday Night Live will have a sketch which is a step by step recreation of a scene from that episode except a couple of the words are changed and theoretically much funnier. It will feature Special Guest Tracy Morgan doing an impression of Kenan Thompson doing an impression of Tracy Morgan yelling at Lorne Michaels. "30 Rock" will retaliate by showing the writers watching low priority news coverage the next day recapping the whole thing. The NBC programming department should have never hired Vince Russo.

I'm sure Saturday NL will survive, even with the alleged massive budget cuts that resulted in plenty of people who didn't want to quit and risk film careers being fired recently, but this other show I do not expect to do well. Most blatantly, it uses the same ha'penny three note saxaphono promo music that Father of the Pride did. That is not as bad as the Vonage "woo ooh, woo ooh ooh" music, but only because it lacks a voice saying that.

By the way, this, what I'm doing, is different than reporting that Osama bin Laden might be dead but might not be. It would be the same if I was relaying someone else's absurd guesses and framing them as a huge important story. What I did is, at worst, one third as bad.

I believe I heard about this maybe six months ago, but nothing's officially stupid until Compuserve declares it "new," which was only a bit over two months ago.

The 80 year old unsinkable Titanic made by the best shipbuilders in the [then] modern world rots in pieces at the bottom of the ocean, but the wooden shoe stuck together by one old man 25,000 years ago, probably with Elmer's School Glue, is still intact. Sure, buddy. Even if some assortment of persons somehow found a boat that old completely preserved and encased in ice like some weird kind of nautical vessel enthusiast romance novel, why would it necessarily be Noah's ship? I sincerely doubt that it has "property of Noah" written on it. Seriously, what gives?

Oh. OH. I really have nothing new to contribute to the "people who verify facts with religious texts are full of beans" argument, so it should suffice for me to just acknowledge it.

Also, maybe I'm behind the times, but I'd like my telephone to have every number.


and the award for "most renamed section" goes to... this.
page 48!

stupid pictures V
stupid pictures IV
stupid pictures III
stuppict II I/II
stupid pictures II
stupid pictures I
I'm starting to think there will never be more of these.

Yes, the guestbook is still here!

In depth
(alas, they cannot swim)

I do not approve.
irrational complaining about my television set
Dennises are dead to me
This page is not about shoes.
I hate shoes.
something award related

Those Green Eyes again
More valid but unfunny Disney criticism
Biggest Loser
Mall Blandness
2004 advertisement complaint world championship
Mall Egadness
Las Vegas
Spiderman 2
Jope and Dopes
These Green Eyes
Game Over
Mall orneryness
Movies I'm not going to see
Back fashion school to
Movies Make Me Mad. Moreso.
Official pizza of Nascar
Michael Jackson
Free Speech
Film Critics. I hate them.
Coconuts. I hate those as well.
Independence Day
Some time in July 2001

Video games in depth
(alas, submerging them shorted out their circuits)

Spirou part 1
Spirou part 17
Cosmo's Cosmic Adventure! There, I said it!
Kirby part 1
Kirby part 2
Kirby part 3
Dynamite HeaddY?
McDonald's Treasureland Adventure
Pac in Time part 1
Pac in Time part 2
when do you think?
Air Fortress
Super Widget
Back to the Forest (the skunny page)
Tintin and the Prisoners of the Sun
Bip Bop II
2001, a space waste
Barney's Hide and Seek "Game"
too late to make a difference
Moraff's Dungeons of the Unforgiven
before the one above it
Super Games Galore! Doy!

Quasi-monthly arranging of briefer things

The Rest 00
04/29/01 to 08/02/01
The Rest 01
03/28/02 to 06/01/02
The Rest 02
06/15/02 to 10/01/02
The Rest 03
10/07/02 to 01/19/03
The Rest 04
01/23/03 to 04/05/03
The Rest 05
04/09/03 to 05/11/03
The Rest 06
05/22/03 to 07/30/03
The Rest 07
08/13/03 to 09/28/03
The Rest 08
10/02/03 to 11/26/03
The Rest 09
11/29/03 to 12/26/03
The Rest 10
12/29/03 to 01/16/04
The Rest 11
01/28/04 to 03/24/04 somehow
The Rest 12
03/31/04 to 05/07/04
The Rest 13
05/11/04 to 06/17/04
The Rest 14
06/23/04 to 07/26/04
The Rest 15
08/01/04 to 08/27/04
The Rest 16
09/01/04 to 09/29/04
The Rest 17
10/06/04 to 11/05/04
The Rest 18
11/12/04 to 12/07/04
The Rest 19
12/14/04 to 01/13/05
The Rest 20
01/20/05 to 02/21/05
The Rest 21
02/27/05 to 03/24/05
The Rest 22
03/31/05 to 5/19/05
The Rest 23
05/28/05 to 06/25/05
The Rest 24
07/09/05 to 07/31/05
The Rest 25
8/8/5 to 09/05/05
The Rest 26
09/11/05 to 10/02/05
The Rest 27
10-15-05 to 10/30/05?!
The Rest 28
11/06/05 to 12/02/05
The Rest 29
12/12/05 to 12/30/05
The Rest 30
January 2006
The Rest 31
February 2006
The Rest 32
March 2006
The Rest 33
April 2006
The Rest 34
May 2006

The Rest 35
June 2006
The Rest 36
July 2006
The Rest 37
August 2006

whatever else

Awards this website hasn't won
Embarrassing pictures part 1
Embarrassing pictures part 2
The same
The Annotated Umiliphus
11/24/04, (I can only justify this by calling it an experiment, so I shall)
Poetry Page
The same


Alexey Pajitnov sez:
Howdy, Alexey Pajitnov here. Although I had absolutely no part howsover in the making of this website (I have a hard enough time believing one functional human could let this happen, quite honestly), my presence in the header is meant to make you think I did. Hey, you'd be a commercial sellout slut too if you designed the most widely played/ripped off video game of all time and never got a dollar out of it despite other people getting quite a few. A lot of games aren't even rip-offs; they just are tetris. Sometimes they don't even turn the "R" backwards! For shame! Even Smirnoff Ice is more authenically Russian than most Tetrises, and I can do kaputski to stop it! pokemorph derivative fan characters have more pull in their incessant copyright disclaimers than I ever did. So to answer your question, yes, I will appear on this box of Cheezits. Sure. I'm all about humility. You need look no further than the getup I wore in the smash holiday comic hit Johnny Turbo for evidence of this. However, as far as business goes I have no sense. As famous Russian scholar Yakov Smirnov once said: in Soviet Russia, there are no intellectual property laws, for those are an aspect of capitalism. I agreed to play that role for free Turbo Duo games and support for life and a bowl of beef stroganoff. Ha ha, ugh. And wouldn't you know it, the closest thing that system had to Tetris was Klax, which I simply did not have time for. And the beef was undercooked, thanks for asking. My woes continue to this day; My close personal acquaintance Shrek pointed this place out to me, and I was promised 75% of the month's ad revenue for appearing on this page, only to find out that it no longer has ads. Sacre Brewski! Or whatever it is us Russians say.
Alexey Pazhitnov
The above message does not necessarily represent the thoughts or words of Alexey Pajitnov, or Alexey Pazhitnov, for that matter.