January 7, 2017


What the horehound is horehound? The look of this packaging makes me think the company only chose this as a flavor so they could act wise and worldly by elevating themselves above people who have never heard of it. “Why, you’ve never heard of horehound? Well sit right down there and let me spin you a tale.” I hate the word tale! Why do people have to talk in ways that make me mad!

Well mice it is about time. I can finally end my hunger strike. Because you know apparently i couldn’t have “that” old fashioned wild cherry flavor before (No not that one, the other one). Or maybe I just wouldn’t because cherries are terrible, and artificial ones more so. Cherry pies are cherrible. Strawberry is much better. Even raspberries and cranberries are better. Certainly I doubt old fashioned fake cherries are more pleasant than new fashioned ones. This probably tastes like Robitussin. Arrrf i can hear in my mind the deliberately, proudly glib bland appalachian announcer telling me to “try some today” without a slice of emotion. This is supposed to appeal to people who see billboards for Cracker Barrel that say garbage like “Come in and sit a spell” and think “now that’s REAL america.”

This one said “eats, treats treasures,” and the treasure is apparently their boring peg jump game. It is an interesting thing to have at your table, I suppose, for a restaurant, for three minutes, but nothing that entices me to pull off the road. My camera refused to take a better picture under threat of throwing itself under the wheels of the next truck that came along.
Here are better pictures that other people took using cameras with less self-respect.

Hey you driving a car presumably to a destination, wouldn’t you rather, instead of doing something with your life, like to stop and play a game of checkers over a storage container while the anxiety that you are wasting your precious minutes of free time on something that takes forever and is boring slowly burns away at your last scrap of sanity? It’s like living with a toddler on purpose forever. Please observe that n’ has an apostrophe but dumplins does not. The barrel is gradually crackin’ away at our language so that it becomes not necessary to acknowledge when you spelled something a stupid way on purpose.

Wowie al-zarkawi, I get to PAY to eat GREEN BEANS. Or maybe I just get to pay for the right to strain them. Gosh I am supposed to believe this ad won an award. I think it was the bored award.


Cracker barrel is so cutting edge in being deliberately regressive that I cannot even make its terrible video full screen. Can’t have me stealing their secrets after all by seeing their logo at a legible size (But I can play its depressing banjo fiddle music as loud as I want). Yeehaw let’s have a hoedown at cracker barrel. Let’s all settle in for old fashioned country cookin’ and dysentery. Let’s eat like we live in a covered wagon –excuse me, waggin’– and don’t have access to anything that is designed to stay edible in a non-refrigerated environment. Biscuits again? Oh boy oh boy oh girl get in the kitchen.


cracker barrel is really rackin’ em up. Here its nationally distributed supermarket cheese that is most of a certainty constructed in a thoroughly modern factory facility has won an award for another cheese having won an award. You might say: hold on there skrimpfy, the cracker barrel cheese brand is owned by Kraft, and unaffiliated with the restaurant chain, which it actually predates, and that only isn’t obvious because the Kraft logo disqualifies a product from accolades of any sort. And I would tell you for beets sake stop calling me skrimpf five years ago!

The very same Kraft which coonskin cap pioneered the Creep ‘n Crackers self-application process. They will need a barrel to carry all the awards this deserves. Hopefully not the one I am hiding from them in.



9 Responses
  1. 1
    11:55 pm, January 7, 2017

    Charmlatan sez:

    Do you think they have contemporary horehound at the Shop Right?

  2. 2
    12:47 pm, January 9, 2017

    Purplespace sez:

    Oh dear! They have the Crackinest of Barrels restaurants where I am! I do not find any problem with the food. However, my mother must always go to the Crackery Barrely gift and buy a thing. Usually a wind chime or candle or sweater.

  3. 3
    4:32 am, January 10, 2017

    Frimpinheap sez:

    charmo: If horehound comes in a can, then that is eminently possible! However, I try not to think about what Shop Rite currently stocks, generally, as a rule.

    spacko: I vaguely recall having a negative pancake experience, but most of my restaurant pancake experiences have been negative, even before I became an ancient cursed ghoul. I imagine the food is decent overall, though I do not think I have eaten at such a restaurant this century. The billboards sure make it look like it is a pathetic experience, however.

  4. 4
    12:31 pm, January 10, 2017

    Indighost sez:

    I actually do envy your natural disdain for, it seems, all supermarket foods. In order to reproduce such a feeling in myself I had to studiously train and propagandize myself into viewing most foods as “gross”. It worked and I was able to arrive at ‘normal weight’, but it was a challenge (and remains so to stay there). Your grumpy food reviews are useful and for that I thank you :)

    Honestly, I’m surprised you aren’t more of an anti obesity crusader!

  5. 5
    1:27 pm, January 10, 2017

    Frimpinheap sez:

    I do not disdain food, but generally the things I complain about strike me as being other than that. I think the presentation of many things has become grosser over time, which may have a subtle effect of desensitizing people to, or even glorifying the grossness. I ate Handi-Snacks, for example, as a child, and while I would look at the product and the manner in which I ate them then as gross now, the packages did not put faces and limbs on the crackers or show them smearing shiny gloppy orange on themselves while smiling sleazily and open-mouthed. If you grow up thinking that is acceptable, the relatively tame actual contents might never get to a point where they bother you.
    Many of the “younger-than-me” artists that I encounter deeds from these days definitely have and bond with each other over a shared affinity for the willfully disgusting which confounds me.
    Regarding obesity, I cannot fault people for it without knowing more about their lives. For the past three years I have more or less been stuck in an environment to which sugar and fat-rich items are regularly introduced, and I often end up eating things just because I hate to see them wasted unless they strike me as especially disgusting in which event I merely lament the money wasted. I could easily become quite large under such circumstances. How can you change your own behavior except while struggling when surrounded by enablers who would not change their own behavior ?

  6. 6
    4:14 pm, January 10, 2017

    Indighost sez:

    That’s tough! To be honest, I found I was only able to change my own behavior by living alone and, to continue to be honest, not storing any food inside my dwelling at all.

  7. 7
    1:28 am, January 11, 2017

    Frimpinheap sez:

    Does that mean you would buy prepared food every day? Or did you store food elsewhere?
    When I lived alone, or rather with roommates who I did not feel responsible for, I would figure out, while at the supermarket, what food I would eat for the next week, and that suited me fairly well. Once I was sharing space again it became impossible. I found that i could not prepare food for myself without worrying that I should be making food for other people, and sometimes other people would bring food from elsewhere and the food that I bought would spoil, or would be taking up too much space. Tricky!

  8. 8
    2:38 pm, January 14, 2017

    Purplespace sez:

    I must say, I would prefer food to be portrayed in an appetizing manner on the packaging, rather than as an anthropomorphized version of itself that suddenly grew vestigial arms and legs.
    At least most cereal mascots aren’t actually implied to be made of the cereal itself, instead being assumed to enjoy eating the cereal and that’s why they are promoting it.
    Actually, I find few of the foods I eat, cereal included, actually have a mascot. My favorite cereal is too boring to be portrayed with a hip 90s mascot.

  9. 9
    2:40 pm, January 17, 2017

    Indighost sez:

    I do buy prepped food every day yes. It costs alot more but it’s healthier and faster.

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