AXE ARMOR. Now that is something I can use. You can never know when you’ll meet a lumberjack with a loose grip or an angry dwarf who mistakes you for a kobold.

However, I don’t know that I necessarily require “messy look paste.”

WHATEVER.

I could use this. OR I could just not take showers. I’m not surprised by this; pre-faded clothing has been available for rather a few years now. I’m merely disappointed. Maybe we’ll be able to buy pre-dented cars and pre-virused computers someday (if you don’t count when Windows ME was around, ha ha eh). With the cars, at least, it will be the first move in the history of the automotive industry not pandering to the arbitrary affluent perfection-obsessed slimeballs who would keelhaul you and consider a score settled for scuffing a square centimeter of paint that nobody else on the planet could possibly care about. When regal local joint Royal Printing does that to my artwork and the staff just shrug and “um” at me, I get mad because it took them three hours and I had to pay them a dollar for each item, and my vengeance probably won’t go much further than me talking trash about their business that seems to do well enough regardless of what I think of it.
What I NEED is ARMOR ARMOR. To protect me from

Treet? No, something far more deadly…

DEADLY ARMOR! Who even needs weapons when the armor ITSELF is DEADLY?

You are obsolete! Swords are SUPPOSED to be deadly! Nobody expects

DEADLY ARMOR! I ain’t afraid a no sword no mo.

Kee kee keeeeee! You’ve not seen the last of meeeeee!

I’m not even afraid of LETHAL ARMOR now. Despite my research team’s findings that lethal and deadly are synonyms, the fact that deadly armor requires neither weapons nor heads to do me in is quite frightening. Lethal armor was too complacent. It was NOT PREPARED for another dangerous form of protection on the block, and thus it was bewildered. Plus off-guard. Armor, GUARDING is what you DO, even when you’re NOT lethal/deadly. You know what the problem is? I think you’re YELLA.

Oh, uh oh. Somebody’s sensitive, huh? Who’s this new friend of yours you’ve brought in? Am I supposed to be afraid of this guy? He’s not wearing armor at all! Nor much of anything, for that matter. Although he DOES have a cape. A baby-excrement-green and jaundice-flesh colored cape. He rubbed that green on [by] himself, judging by the hands. So just because you’re friends with a sick naked unwashed executioner who smears his human-skin-made accouterments in human waste bye.

I said I was going! Don’t pretend it was your idea!

We shall continue this later.

Or maybe we won’t.

Anyway, typing a phrase I find personally amusing in capital letters over and over again does not necessarily force anyone else to find it funny. I have much more interesting and substance-ful things to talk about.

SMEDLEY SNORKEL!

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I am one of the most boring people in the world.

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I think I will be witnessing that dragon movie tonight after all. It had a month to get out of theaters but it’s still showing through the week. What else could it be waiting for but me? The last full length cartoon I saw in a theater, if you don’t count Star Wars: Attack of the Clones was Pokemon: The First Movie. This would have to be more coherent than that, I think. For one thing, its title lacks a colon.

Above everything else I’ll finally know if this person on a horrible website who considered one of my asinine aliases a name worth dropping meant it as an insult or not.

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Howdy. I will see about Wednesday.

No? How is Thursday, then?

It is a regrettably widely-perpetuated myth that deserts do not receive much rain.

For the title I also considered “Desert Storm” and “Fall Festival,” but they didn’t sound stupid enough when I said them.

Remind me to tell you about raisins sometime sometime.

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Can that detection system truly be at all reliable if this shady character can climb right through the not-allowed symbol without anyone noticing? Clearly this is not the service to protect your mailbox with.

Now nobody’s safe. Even the trees are after our mail.

Our precious frozen mail crystals. This stuff is important!

Our top story: a snowflake done showed up!

Well it SHOULD. These laws are outdated and irrelevant! The international community is doing NOTHING to address the threats of modern times.

After them, you fools! Are you truly going to let them get away with it? He can’t possibly hit ALL of you with his ninja stars! Arrgh, they think they’re so cool!

Once again it’s up to the blessed corporations of the world to make the best of a bad situation.

Now all that’s left is to proofread this to make sure it forms a coherent narrative. So hopefully I’ll get to that one of these days.

I can't... move!, popular with the robots, talking dogs | How to lose a guy in (6) days | !

Aw, bacula, three hours exposed to sunlight across a week and I have freckles again.

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also of bloat: a rambunctious gang of colorful images you’ve possibly seen before.

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Good dag to you, behold and be abhorring page 8 of that. See if you can spot every missed opportunity for background shenanigans! Maybe it will be different when page nine comes around. For now my fingers are feeling less than dexterous.

The lizard’s predicament is different than it was on the previous page. I like the appearance of that way but it did not lend itself well to redraws. Eight-and-a-half years ago I had tied two socks together and drawn from that. Two months ago I didn’t feel like mixing two socks again. This month I did, so we’re back to that. I considered amending the page seven appearance to match the socks but it doesn’t look as interesting, and I just noticed the size doesn’t match either, so fleedle bidle budle. And then the usual trouble with space allotment. This process needs to change!

Those other frames I remember drawing, but for a reason I cannot recall I did not use them in the old version. Nor can I find scans of them apart from this one that I once used on a web page entirely out of context back when I was using a computer that I guess I had the scans saved on its drive. This is all probably very unimportant.

Otay, fine. I’m old enough now that I’m used to being told somebody I’ve never heard of is the world’s newest and greatest humanoid. Hillary Dorf, Lindsee Lohan, Paris Ilton, Zach F. Ron, Jennifer Anniston, Bennifer Lopez, Beneful Love Hewitt, Tim Conway… It’s happened before, and it will happen again. I don’t know who or what Justin Bieber is, but I do know that’s about the ugliest professional photograph I’ve seen on a magazine front since that one cover of that magazine that was in my bathroom for two years showing Matt Damon brushing his teeth. This guy doesn’t look like he’s smiling, he just looks like he’s breathing heavily. This guy looks like a 1950s ventriloquist puppet. He looks like a nutcracker. He looks like that Peter Pan guy whose website everybody made fun of 12 years ago. He looks like The Partridge Family. He looks like Final Fantasy X.

Well gee, excuse me for not being famous! I’m busy getting stuff DONE!

Nice try, but i already know how.

The only reason I can’t read what this says is because apparently if I go into a store after 3 pm there willl be other customers in it, and they always make me nervous when I am taking pictures or stealing stuff. However, I will recall what it says for you: “YEH, YEH, YEH, BENNIE AND THE CATS.”
There are a number of questions that arise when an image such as this appears, such as why that kid ate the neck of his guitar. Foremost among the others: shouldn’t he be playing/eating a piano? Also, this aisle is not cat specific; this sign could have said “Bennie and the pets” and had a better rhyme. Although that depends on this actually being a reference to the Elton John song “Bennie and the Jets” and this kid having any idea who Elton John is, but not knowing enough about the song beyond the title to realize “Bennie” is supposed to be a female person because I didn’t raise no sissy. In any of these situations, assuming one of these figures is Bennie, there is only one other accounted for who the pet could be, meaning it should be singular! Ha ha! GOT EM.

OR, perhaps the “BENNIE” IS the cat and the “CATS” is…

Awwwwww nawwwwww! I knew I shouldn’t have made a reference to twelve years ago! Now they’ll all be after me. Every atrocity from the end of the 1990s: Tomagotchis, Viagra jokes, Mahir Cagri links, the first time I was totally disappointed by Mad TV but expected it to turn around, Creed’s first hit album, Chrono Trigger without translucency emulation and an inexplicable, insatiable hunger for spheroid body parts can’t be far behind!

That is not so bad. It’s only from 2002! What IS bad: the amount of rubbish I write in a week would have gotten me through four months back then!

How cultural misunderstanding can lead to a life long addiction. I realize this is the intended use of the Translation Party website that nobody has cared about since or before last September, to input something normal and get something absurd in return, and thus I cannot claim credit for its conclusion, but this seemed too important to not publicly acknowledge, particularly since the website no longer functions in this way; that question “translates” perfectly both ways. You may think of me as the messenger of a slain prophet, if you like.

I feel like I learned a lot, but not as much as I should have. I hope there won’t be a test.

I wish ALF was on this quiz. THAT would be tough to guess.

Well I do NOW. Thanksh a bunch. They should provide a “forfeit knowledge” option.

Oops. If I’m forgetting my own birthday, is it at all responsible business practicing to let me use a credit card online?

Perhaps I also forgot that responsible business is often a different thing than effective business. I’ve heard of bestiality, but never a whole sex zoo just for the purpose. Until now! I hope that doesn’t turn out to be one of the websites I post my drawings on.

You put on a brave face, but I can tell you’re concerned.

I can’t access bimshwel.com at the moment, so that means I can’t… oh, hey, what do you know. Dee, I wish I’d noticed that sooner. Well maybe I’ll write something tomorrow, then!

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On the subject of corporate attempts to de-evolve internet video, here are some more ads I’ve seen while dealing with that. Yep.

“Double pits to chesty,” which is about the worst name I’ve ever seen for anything, and also

This, I don’t understand. Always in the capital letters, like it’s important or a thing otherwise worth being said. Clearly, none of these elaborate constructions do anything but fall apart as they are being pushed into a river. Why would anybody participate or watch this? Much less for free? Why work to build something that just breaks? This is like something that only drunken morons would watch, yet Red Bull has no alcohol in it. The company has patented a liquid stupidity with no intoxicating effects that it can market to kids without pretending it isn’t. Like the beverage equivalent of Christian rock: all the shoddy lack of merit as before with a side of self-righteousness. This self righteousness has not, to my knowledge, been put into use by anybody, but I know they’re thinking it.

Well at least the kids aren’t drinking beer, right? But they’re still drinking rubbish just because it’s popular and coming together in great amounts to accomplish nothing. And a generous portion of them smoke cigarettes, anyhow. That is, assuming the copious quantities of discarded red bull cans and cigarettes outside on the ground at every local concert venue I’ve visited can be traced in some way to the professional loiterers in attendance. Maybe those things just grow in parking lots.

And these fluggity things, it’s not as if they are all that INTERESTING to watch break; I’ve been seeing related advertisements for a few years and for all I know it’s been the same footage every time, because it’s just the same thing happening over and over. It’s like any athletic competition, except it’s not athletic or competitive. It’s just morons pushing heaps of wheels and papier mache into water, and, I presume, leaving it there.
Supposedly there are judges who rate things and the objects are required to be made of “environmentally friendly materials.” Well I still don’t like it! My remarks to the contrary of the data I just supposed were secondary to my main point that I dislike the advertisements and the impression they give me of the thing they are promoting. And twenty [or so] years of America Idahhhhhhh in my business haven’t convinced me that the presence of judges proves that garish freaks are committing entertainment.

I’m not above posting a dreadful image and telling you how dreadful it is, but nobody will be paying me for the privilege of recapping it later and I’m not pretending I think what I do is about anything but myself. Ooh there’s not even a joke on that one, that must mean I’m serious!

If I said that nobody would care because any idiot can say that, and I’d literally be any idiot. I strive to be the main idiot, and I am serious.

But I am feeling better now.

And Survivor, that’s been on even longer. Nobody has ever die ed on the show yet. EVERYbody has survived. Which is true to the name, but it is misleading. That would be like coming to Madison Connecticut and taking a picture of a random crowd of people and captioning it “the insufferable vainglorious wanker.”

 


That suggests the caption only applies to one of them, and the chances are I won’t even be in the picture, since I’m a psychotic introvert in addition to my other qualities.

You have to be the center of attention, don’t you!

You know where to find me, guy. And also orange hats.

Incidootally, I can’t find any information on Jacques Pepin that mentions this product nor any information on this product that mentions Jacques Pepin. Nowhere does he seem to be called just “Chef” Pepin and I imagine he would spell his last name with a diacritic over the E. However, I expect this to promptly stop being relevant to my existence the instant I activate the “publish” function to indicate that I am finished writing this. So watch out.

You agree with me that 1 am is way too late for the idiots a block over from me to be blasting corny music all over the place, don’t you?

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Dear loyal bimshwel customers: I’m deadHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH APRULFOOOOUHAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHG I’VE BEEN SHOT

HA HA NO I HAVEN’T!GOTCHA THAT TIME AYPRALLL FOOOOOOOOHHHHHHNOOOOO I’VE BEEN SHOT AGAIN!

NOPE NOT REALLY! HA HA HA HOOOGOSH DEAR FLOOPITY I’VE LAUGHED SO HARD I’VE CAUSED MYSELF MORTAL INJURY NO I HAVEN’T

HA HA HA HO NOW IS THE TIME WHEN I LAUGH NO IT ISN’t YES IT IS HA HA HA H

And now I am sad.
YES INDEEDNO NOT REALLY