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Questionable artwork and pedantic miscellany
July 23, 2021
The YM3812 was used in many arcade games, but was especially popular on home computer sound cards from the late 1890s to the mid-1990s,

a robision drawing for a person called Draque of a mysterious creature performing a tarot card reading. ordinarily I do not show robisions here, as I believe I said the last time I did so, but as was also likely the case last time, this is what I have this week and so here it shall go! and NEXT week I won’t be here at all, so I may have less to show than this.

the sun symbol on the decoration is from the arcade game “3 wonders.” Initially I was trying to draw the circus emblem from shining force but couldn’t remember if i had a screenshot of it available but I knew I had this one since I used it on a web page back in 2003 and it actually made less sense than this does.

draque suggested a “seedy bar” as a setting. I very much hate bars and felt intimidated by that until i realized there wouldn’t be much room to show scenery. then i looked up the phrase “seedy bar” and was reminded that a lot of bars and restaurants that for whatever reason fancy themselves as being bar-like tend to have framed monochrome photographs of famous patrons or people that they wish had been patrons, so that provided a simple way of suggesting there was more going on than just bricks. Just the thought that they might be PROUD the dope came there, or even worse WISH the dope would but couldn’t persuade it to do so must surely mean this is among the seediest of all bars.

although suspiciously two of my pose sketches indicate that the dope is in the bar as this scene is taking place and I am uncertain if I would have put something else in the picture frame knowing that. What if dopes are this bar’s ONLY customers? That place should go out of business IMMEDIATELY. not just because instead of buying drinks dopes just wander around smiling at people, allowing them on the premises at all is most certainly a mental health code violation. Although I am sad to say they still probably would not make for the most annoying experience I ever had in a bar, I can yet blame the dopes for reminding me of that!

July 16, 2021
get your smart on with a new episode of scorpion

forget just for men hair paint phony ads, now THIS is realistic.

I know when I personally snayack i also balance a plate with a sandwich on one knee while simultaneously holding another sandwich in a hand and continuing to shove popcorn into my mouth with the remaining hand even while stating that i have problems when i do that, instead of chewing it, thereby causing the popcorn to tumble out of my mouth. How is that the bed’s fault that this guy is a moron? I appreciate that the adjustable bed owner is both aware of and gloating at his counterpart, whom he only refers to as “that guy.” Perhaps that guy’s name is That Guy. He LOOKS like That Guy. In a still picture it looks like his head has been edited onto someone else’s body as a gag to make him look stupid. But this is all natural! I don’t know who he thinks he is fooling with that napkin, he looks like he just hurried over from a dentist appointment, leaving in disgust after being told to cut back on popcorn. Perhaps that’s why he didn’t feel like chewing.

notably, the dork in the craftmatic bed doesn’t have any popcorn, he has a banana! Somewhat more nutritious, much less messy. He also went and got a tray, which definitely isn’t part of the package being sold here. Maybe the problem isn’t so much what bed you buy, more how much of a slob you are. Which isn’t to say I recommend That Guy take up bananas because I am convinced he would find some way to slip on its peel while still in the bed and then blame the bed for it.
even with the disdain he still refers to the product as a “quality flat bed.” Craftmatic ads always use that phrase, consistently, and I never had any clue why. Is the idea that hey, we’re not comparing this electric monstrosity to a RINKETY DINKETY flat bed. The people in those things are so worthless they can’t even get the popcorn in their mouths before dropping it, much less possess the poise to hold a plate on a knee, why would we trust them to complete the payments on one of these?

a “good night’s sleep” is only the THIRD perk mentioned of having a craftmatic bed, even though it is rare to see somebody actually sleeping in one of these advertisements, as they are too busy doing other things that you shouldn’t do in a bed anyway.

The real reason That Guy can’t sleep is because he just drank a bottle of soda and the bed is covered with sandwich crumbs and popcorn. The plate is probably still in there. In fact Craftmatic Guy doesn’t even say he sleeps in the bed, only that he’s “no dummy.” Because dummies advertise hard wood furniture and are slightly more convincing actors because I at least expect them to look unnatural. Then he takes off his glasses and lies back, as if he is going to sleep but obviously he isn’t because the light’s still on and the covers are still off!

years later craftmatic ads still emphasized the fact that you can buy your own eating tray separately even though you can use that tray in a regular bed. You can even use that tray if you don’t have a bed at all! Although more curious is that this man is so well organized that he keeps the bed immaculately made in the absence of his wife nagging him to do that, and is able to climb on to the bed AND set up a tray without disturbing that, yet he also WEARS SHOES in the bed!

there’s that dumb tray again! and the user is actually under the covers for once (presumably entering… to Win!) and so I cannot check for shoes.

the real problem with this advertisement series however is that it fails to disclose the full implications of the curse attached to using one of these beds.

curse in progress. the text calls it a massage and claims it to be optional but I would be curious to interview those who have experienced its effects.

Alas they rarely have much interesting to say afterward. I reckon they didn’t get much CHOICE about turning into dopes! Yet they should have known! Your body doesn’t turn all purple and featureless with lines rapidly going through it when you are being massaged! Right? Well MINE sure doesn’t.

the guy with the shoes, instead of saying “because i already have one” he should be saying “because i do not want to turn into a dope!” i will praise craftmatic for accurately representing how annoying and pushy their unsolicited calls probably are, but transforming people into dopes without their consent is hard for me to get past. And doing it WITH their consent is probably even worse because whoever wants to be a dope obviously deserves to be in jail and Craftmatic should pass that information along.

Hello! I’d like to be turned into a dope? thertainly, thir!
NO! Don’t go along with that request!

Turning into a dope is right up there with transforming into a skeleton, really.

although at least there is no item combination in castlevania circle of the moon which causes the hero to transform into a dope. for one thing since that game was released several years before dopes began appearing in my business that would mean I owed Konami royalties on dopes.

I hypothetically REFUSE to pay! Even IF that would allow me to blame somebody else.

More questions i pondered recently, were craftmatic adjustable beds designed to turn people into dopes or was that an unexpected side effect? and is it worse to BE a dope to begin with or to get turned into one?
AND, assuming it is possible revert a craftmatic’d dope back into a “normal” dumb old imp person, what would happen to a natural dope if the same process were used on it? and what GALL for dopes that weren’t people at one point to assume they are natural, they aren’t. I can’t believe it oh pardon ME dope, do craftmatic dopes FAIL the dope purity test? i can’t stand it who do those dumb dopes think they are? dopes?!

they think they are the MASTER dope race? dopes are so dumb they LOSE every race because instead of moving they just stand around at the starting line smiling at people. that’s right (wrong) KEEP smiling, like you ENJOY this, like you planned it all along, which I doubt you are capable of.

you would need a butler to do it for you! and you have no money to pay one! only the original rich people who transformed into “inferior” sub-dopes have it! ha-ha, ho,ho, teehee humperdink.
actually obscene affluence and servants is the only way all those weird trays, perfectly made beds and pajama-clad freakadoodles who never seem to be out of them make sense. Maybe we SHOULD change them into dopes and kick them out.

I have PROBLEMS when I try to transform into a dope in this quality flat bed!

ARRRRRGH of COURSE you do! Turning into a dope IS a problem! The QUALITY of your bed prevents it! WHY are you trying to do that and WHY are you telling ME about it?! Maybe you’re a dope already!

July 7, 2021
we have stopped being cave men who think deadly swords are good items

urf thursrday, friday now? yes yes i have something coming, uesh.

HOLD it. This isn’t you, it’s an older guy.

this has never happened ONE TIME in the history of cordial police traffic stops. I also question whether cordial police traffic stops ever occurred.

how dare you ask this question!

you fool! they CAN’T!

it is true, i asked this on my own and therefore am calling myself a fool. i cannot expect everything I do to make sense to you!

as dopey as this ad is I prefer it to the other one I wrote about in my previous life or the one I wrote a few years afterward while evidently neglecting to notice and or care that it was the same product. because in the early 1990s ads were still hokey and corny and didn’t mind if viewers laughed at them.

i could not easily find video copies of the ads i took camera pictures of and crummy mp3 recordings of, but this one has the sport oafs at the end of it, evidently in another dimension from the main ad,

in which some dork loses a sword fight because his hair is the wrong color! and the hair wasn’t even visible until he took off the sword fight mask! and THEN after he changes his hair color enough that he gets better at sword fighting his opponent turns out to be wuh-wuh-ZOWIE! itsuh LADY!

a lady with perfectly brushed hair despite having it crammed into a fencing outfit and perfectly made up, sweatless skin despite being in a real sword fight and not a contrived television advertisement. Her hair isn’t even grey and she STILL couldn’t beat a REAL man in a fair fight! Or MAYBE she WANTED to lose *wink hink chortlebleem*. This ad is simultaneously blatantly unrealistic, even beyond the “this is an older guy” ad yet it is much more smug and bro-y about how fake it is.

I do not have a pertinent conclusion ready but here is King Richard from the 1938 Robin Hood film (which features slightly better sword fighting) wearing a real belt as he simultaneously wears an oddly-angled fake version of the same belt which is patterned into his clothing.

Nobody I know has a website anymore

Mr. Sr. Mxy
Gilhodes (bah you need a facebook account to see)
video game music database
pacific novelty
Green Lantern Head Trauma

them`s fightin` woids: July 20, 2021
Frimpinheap sez:
instead of dopesona i recommend “dopes oh no” to let everyone know to keep away from...
July 19, 2021
Charmlatan sez:
Fantastic! I’ve been meaning to make a “dope-sona”, but why stop there when I can *become*...
July 11, 2021
Frimpinheap sez:
It does help that part 2 is a better game with generally more logical clues, and consequently...
July 9, 2021
Frimpinheap sez:
I seem to no longer have the video file on my present hard drive but I took the screenshot at may...
July 9, 2021
A hooberdoober sez:
I would imagine the purpose of the multiple, differently-angled belts in the second image is...
July 8, 2021
Frimpinheap sez:
because it is grey now
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