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Questionable artwork and pedantic miscellany
February 6, 2024
Formerly the son of a wealthy Yorkshire businessman, he’s since turned into a strange mix between man and red fox.

regarding some distressing imagery I have mostly had on my hard drive since 2012:


Tails HAS to stay outside. Tails is not ALLOWED in the house on Christmas.


it is imperative to keep tails as far away from your drink as possible, especially if tails is wearing a bowtie.


do not exert yourself to help tails out of peril, no matter how corny his facial expression gets; tails can FLY and is just doing this for attention.


do not follows tails’ instructions. tails is not a member of the technical support team. Tails has been cursed for his deeds and imprisoned inside the computer. If you do what he tells you there is a risk of transferring the curse to yourself. if you must talk to tails do it by telephone, away from your keyboard, or at least while wearing protective gloves that prevent precision key presses.


be sure to keep those gloves on when disciplining tails since foxes, even meeply ones, are known to carry rabies.


trying to gain retribution against tails by blocking his vision in an aircraft will needlessly endanger yourself and not affect tails since he doesn’t look where he is going anyhow. also as has been previously noted, tails can FLY without aid of a vehicle.


tails is not even authorized to pilot mine carts.


also do not respond if tails attempts to pull you over in your own aircraft. tails flunked out of sky patrol academy. if he shows you a badge it is counterfeit. regardless of the lettering on display,

tails is in fact illegal in japan. do not be fooled!


tails also cannot dance. reports are yet unconfirmed as to whether he will steal your money but I think it is safe to assume that you should not give him any.

ALSO unrelated to tails but if you listen to that song, cut it off after the second verse; that chorus is NOT good enough to hear twelve times

and as weird as the video is, Will Vinton studio isn’t creative enough beyond the novelty of using clay to to do anything but simply animate mouths in increasingly creepy ways if there are no further written instructions.
is there anything else to be concerned about?

no I absolutely REFUSE to acknowledge this



January 24, 2024
The backyard is littered with weightlifting equipment and bongs, along with a shed full of computer servers for mining cryptocurrencies.

speaking of the system cheating consumers while telling them they’re actually cheating the system,


an obnoxious bit coin converter machine at this semi-ghetto convenience store. I guarantee you nobody shopping here has any business buying bitcoin, which is precisely why it is here. to give false hope to the hopeless, encourage gambling among the people most at risk from gambling habits, those least likely to be listened to when complaining about what a deliberately exploitative scam this is.

whoa you mean in exchange for my real money i get to pay a fee, be associated with racists terrorists rapists and or kidnappers, AND possibly lose it all to market volatility while the sleazebag I paid can afford to ride it out while absorbing the investment I lost? Where do I sign up???? oh right here in the place where I buy paper towels great.
I would go further and say nobody shopping here has any business shopping here where all the prices are marked up and all the quantities are smaller than at a proper grocery store, meaning the price per-item is higherer, a much longer-term con against people without much purchasing power. in that context bitcoin fits right in so while I am disgusted that it is here I am most definitely not surprised that it is.

thankfully I have not been driving around the person who INSISTED I go to this store since april 2022 however


there has also been one at my local stop and shop store for several years now. Not quite the hopeless dump of that other store but still well below the comfortably wealthy and can afford to throw $10000 into a hole and hope it comes back with friends level.
It momentarily amused me recently when this cardboard sign was added and I thought the art department had decided to give earmuffs to andrew jackson, but upon looking closer I saw it was just edgy glitchy recoloring that happened to have gone red at approximately jackson’s ear zones. I do not understand why you would want to indicate that the device is malfunctioning when encouraging people who already don’t have much money to put their money inside of it and just hope you aren’t lying to them about how great the device is. but plainly they do it anyway; else this misery box wouldn’t be here and eating electricity.

it’s just like going broke in a dream where I can’t read any text because it keeps changing, except I really did lose all my money and the words really are written for me to not ever understand.


whell i am glad one person is comfortable with this arrangement.



January 17, 2024
Milan Ray as Rochelle, the catcher who is having a bad day when everything goes wrong. Despite this, she is the excellent student who takes the initiative in everything in her life. The character is described as a “teenage CEO”.[3]


sorry and life, “rivals edition.” or “selling same bad old game at same price but with less stuff in the box edition.”

games like this are already extra stressful and boring when played with fewer people, particularly if one of them is a small child who can feel particularly targeted in a game like “sorry” where the primary choice a player ever encounters is “which other player’s piece do i banish from the board,” and I can’t exactly fathom adults in 2024 playing this game otherwise, unless they are using such mind-altering substances that ANY bad game would entertain them as much, why emphasize that? the same reason as always, to make more money for less value at the expense of non-cheaters.


monopoly cheaters edition. regular monopoly is already cheaters edition. i suppose this is a millennial-targeted concept. we can’t put a joke in a movie without some character or the background music pointing out that it is a joke, probably while saying “dude,” so we can’t cheat without pointing out that we’re cheating either. dude. I just took $500 when i wasn’t supposed to because the rules said i was supposed to. I do appreciate not swapping out the 19th century tycoon character Uncle Pennybags with another figure Hasbro determined less in need of having its image protected, as historically prior to the modern era of near-trillionaires and companies like hasbro trying to replace artists with robots trained to copy artists, nobody cheated more prolifically than Pennybags’ monopilkmen.

Although it is arguable whether the decision to replace his dot eyes with detailed retina-iris-pupil eyes while still leaving his hairless plastic mustache, nostrilless nose and nailless fingers was intended to make him creepier.
also observe the $35 price label; this costs more than twice as much as regular monopoly! Hasbro cheats consumers in exchange for the right to perpetuate cheatitude with only themselves as victims.

in fact there is a “bonus” version that costs nearly double that apparently just gets extra money and tokens. or you can buy a cheap regular or cheaper used monopoly game, assuming you don’t already have one in your house, and plunder resources from that. And you’ll STILL in the end just have a depressing board game that is too complicated if played properly according to the rules, much less cheated properly according to the rules, for the target audience to have any fun with.

ALSO:


it felt improper to accuse the sorry rivals edition of costing the same as the regular game. i looked it up on amazon and found that selling regular sorry for one dollar LESS than the real store.

with even creepier eyes.
but more alarming, an ADDITIONAL “rivals edition” of monopoly. which admittedly DOES cost less than the regular monopoly than the regular monopoly on amazon, but only by one dollar. Additionally amazon is an even wickeder company than hasbro and has much bigger-picture access to ripoff victims than relatively well-off american consumers.

if these people have such empty lives that they buy every version of monopoly and obsessively “vote” on the few unnecessary changes hasbro allows to be voted on, including to revert previous vote-changes, despite hasbro ALSO selling

and charging double for “vintage” versions that presumably don’t have those changes taken into account to begin with, except subtler ones that buyers aren’t told about for the sake of political correctness and the latest corporate ownership labeling, content nobody cares about the irony of Monopoly producer Parker Brothers and its biggest competitor Milton Bradley now being owned and disacknowledged by the same larger company but it ultimately doesn’t matter because it’s dumb old MONOPOLY and if you REALLy want to play an unchanged old version you can probably get one for $2 at a local yard sale, maybe they deserve to have empty bank accounts too.



February 28, 2022
The crew of Gemini III snuck a corned beef sandwich on their spaceflight.

3-8-2022 was one of those days when everything seemed to need to be fixed at once but i will ATTEMPT to post a proper website for 3-9, I know this is very important to me that I do this.
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decisions, decisions!


In the end I could not resist a good old fashioned crispy hormone, but I had to send it back because while the preparers remembered to include the pickle chips I requested for the frites, they neglected to leave the weird slimy aioli off the main event sandwich, although the server insisted “I told them no aioli!” Officially it is supposed to be a sauce made of garlic, olive oil and salt but in trendy american restaurants that charge $15 minimum for a sandwich that is a code word for “disgusting mayonnaise to disguise the lack of flavor on everything but meant to sound fancier than mayonnaise.” The Popeyes restaurant chain also puts mayonaiz on its sandwiches by default but those cost about one third the price, are comparable in size and are actually properly seasoned if you succeed in getting your request for no mayonaiz heeded. I don’t know if the sandwiches are hormone or aren’t, admittedly, and they don’t come with french fries but I didn’t ask for french fries! And when I get them anyway the quantity I receive is lately not outstanding. Though it looks marginally less silly in that bowl than essentially the exact same order the last time I was at a Friendly’s joint, evidently in 2016

am I supposed to be impressed by this cage on a stick? it also looks as if I was denied a complementary pickle on this occasion, even though friendly’s was at one time the only place that would give me such material.

another “artisinal” restaurant, another nearly identical chicken sandwich, another underwhelming quantity of french fries in a weird bowl, plus pickle fragments that I probably had to request. Word has gone out within the past decade that potato scraps must be limited and not touch sandwiches and brined cucumber scraps must be yet more tightly rationed, even at locations that dare be properly lit and not have dark wood tables. I think this establishment was called Haywire. Haywire is of course a well-known informal terminology for a situation that is completely under control. Think about it, rectangular plates are much more spatially efficient than circular ones. Since this is USAmerica, we can’t solve a problem without immediately filling the void with another problem that we charge premium prices for. The space made efficient is remade inefficient by putting extra sets of spaces within it that don’t need to be there. It’s like those “hatchdimals” and “lol surprise” dolls my niece was so obsessed with for a while, that came in huge expensive packages which mostly contained more layers of packaging, and then in the middle would be a tiny little doll that possibly would be one she already had, because it’s not legally underaged gambling if their parents have to buy it for them, I suppose. For stuff that I buy for myself however I would definitely prefer they stop directing the money toward the acquisition and cleaning of funny serving vessels.

ah that’s more like it…no! That is NOT more like it! I mean put more food on the plate, not make the plate smaller!

I assume the serving size is based on how many fries this guy can fit in his jacket pocket.
but it could be worse

does this look like eight dollars worth of soup to you? this same dining zone also provided me with a refill on my iced tea without me requesting it, and then charged for an extra cup of iced tea on the receipt. and it was UNSWEETENED iced tea. I had to do the work of making it actually taste like something myself, QUITE for free. I appreciate that they totally filled the cup at least, why that was two bowls of soup worth of liquid!

on another occasion, since for the time being I end up taking someone to restaurants that I don’t necessarily want to be at weekly, or more, depending on how susceptible to guilt I am, I noticed several of these chairs outside the building, and an employee came out and asked me why I was taking pictures of them. I thought they looked neat. They did. on the day when i was overcharged for soup the chairs were very cheap but I was concerned about being seen taking pictures of them. My guess is the staff are aware of the detereorating furniture and were looking to get me to admit that but i hadn’t noticed it then! And you know what I don’t care about using crummy furniture if the eating experience is enjoyable, and it rather wasn’t. If you think I order too many chicken sandwiches, this place only has steak and fish sort of junk and it is worse and costs twice as much. just a trashy dumb defensive place all around.

it even has a perimeter wall like it is expecting invaders. however we have much more effective modern ways of averting needless warfare


I actually made this dumb little image edit days ago –after this extremely popular twitter post that isn’t necessary to look at, the link is just to keep me from posting a picture of it– but abstained from posting it, unsure if it was only funny to me because I was completely out of touch with the world. Or if it looked more like Richard Nixon than Vladimir Putin. All Jack Kirby men have a bit of Nixon in them. But maybe sanctions actually WILL work? Or maybe they’ll just, as usual, punish everyone except the autocrats who always remain quite well taken care of, who if they need anything just grab it from someone beneath them, and blame outsiders imposing sanctions and act yet more erratically. can anything REALLY be done?

ah jolly good I feel better now.



November 28, 2021
Wolfgang Van Halen Involved In Serious Arguments With Haters On Instagram


instagraham I don’t need this garbage right now. even the “try” in there indicates this might be a futile endeavor. Give us personal information, it says, and MAYBE we’ll let you back in. To the APP. We have miles of empty space into which to type “lication” but the more we normalize jargon, slang and abbreviations as proper terminologies the less anyone using these systems will have a clue what is going on.

ah hes also i used an alternate camera to take these pictures because the screen capture function on my mobile telephone machine is broken, on account of requiring the pressing of the power and volume buttons simultaneously, and the volume buttons no longer functioning, a development without which this unnecessary comic strip would not have been necessary. it will still TAKE screenshots but only when it feels like doing so.


which is why I have a folder full of pictures of icons, text messages and people calling me. I don’t delete them because obviously I was going to talk about this happening at some point and wanted evidence.


anywhuh, a “video selfie” is not something i have ever done in my life and as long as I am able to I intend to continue that tradition. I don’t even accept the word “selfie.” I held on to vhs years into the dvd era and that was actually something useful so I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that technology is continually looking for new ways to break my experience in non-organic ways to try and force me to use something new and dumb but that it controls instead of me.


in any case I am fortunate to have allies in my struggles.

This strange Zeldalink was given as a gift to someone else but ended up following me around instead and has done so a few years. It got went pretty far but got stuck on the fourth step: “slowly tilt your head upwards,” as his neck doesn’t move and his tunic is made of hard plastic so I can’t get the camera into the right position to make it appear that Link’s head has moved. Oddly enough his hair is made of eminently malleable peanut butter.

Marketing-approved, somewhat deranged Bravemerida, the first resident I found in the next room at 1:30 in the A M when instagram issued its challenge, while also having an immobile neck, was able to finish on account of having a disproportionately large head that the camera could get under,

but unfortunately this selfie adventure took so long that video was too large to upload on my crummy internet, possibly to store on my crummy memory card.

My ever-helpful butler Alfred fortunately handled the reshoot with his usual grace and professionalism.


This had literally been in the box it was purchased in for over 20 years, waiting until the right occasion came along, which was apparently this. I have confirmed ebay people are trying to sell these for about $40 in prime boxed condition and I would say my box’s was condition is somewhat less than that. And you know some people are selling just the figure but nobody is selling just the box so I don’t know how they expect me to remedy this.

back to the point, assuming there is one:
I dislike that the ubiquity and uniformity of mobile trashnology means corporations can assume that every user has a working compact video camera positioned precisely to record their own faces. Even with people supposedly able to opt out of letting software access these cameras, the corporations can still demand that a user “opt” in to be allowed to use the software, even when it is a non-essential, possibly non-beneficial feature of the software. Any decent person could observe the user’s setting, that of having the camera blocked, and suggest and alternate method of humanity verification. Unfortunately, since there is only humanity on MY end, I get forced into doing things the robot’s way.


For now I can fool it. However, every time a test like this comes up, that trains the facial recognition machinery a bit, and eventually they will make more specific demands, like “blink your left eye” or “say the word papaya.” And most dorks will do it! The tests will not be administered simultaneously so users will never be able to collectively refuse to participate. And they probably wouldn’t anyway, since these tests also train the users to be obsequious. With all their hashtags and memes, and knowing almighty “algorithms” can cut out anyone for any deviant behavior, users are already less and less unique individuals than ever.

oh how I talk


at LEAST I have something to SAY, and am not just some entitled oxygen-stuffed dinosaur trying to tell people what to do!

also, “stress-free?” this thing has seen some trauma. admittedly I just criticized it but you know what, dinosaur, that’s part of not being extinct, rising to meet challenges. Do you think that pig doesn’t have rough days, or a rough future, or get raised in an environment so noxious and debilitating that its excrement has to be disposed of in a special “lagoon” that is literally fatal for a living being to breathe near and consequently referred to with a vague euphemism to keep people from realizing it is a death pit?
grape grimpity I am eating pork and roasted potatoes while writing this. why did you bring this up, you dumb deflated diplo dorkus?

oh nuts I didn’t realize you were part of a gang. You really do need help! (g-g-gulp and so do I)



October 22, 2021
the passion for knowledge spread intelligence and wisdom on the winds


hey whatever happened to old Eddy?
are you talking about ED U. Dead?
yeah that guy
he’s dead
obviously
no i mean his life concluded
oh I see. is he buried nearby?
I don’t know! he had such a stupid name they put the gravestone into the coffin with him!

this brief scene seems to indicate that the second speaker is knowledgeable about the locations of numerous individual graves, which is unusual, but not impossible.


these remind me of the stuff I thought was clever when I was seven years old. at the back of every school bus was a so-labeled “Emergency Door.” I would point at it and say something like “get it? ’emergen-KEY door!” I can absolutely imagine myself drawing a gravestone that says “ED U. Dead” into one of my incomprehensible comic strips, and understanding so little about the world that I thought it might as well be inside a coffin.
A popular “joke” of the period was to refer to a non-existent book titled “The Yellow River,” ostensibly authored by a person named “I.P. Daily/Freely” but I presented a more accurate version by “P. Din Creek.” It didn’t matter to me that I had never heard of anyone named Creek or, outside of the Phantom Tollbooth, Din. A joke didn’t mean the same thing to me as anyone else, and nobody informed me of that, and I had to figure it out across 20 or soish years of being a complete loser, and bloom into a partial loser. I should feel inspired that somebody can live fully into adult-hood without determining what a joke is and still accumulate the competence to be able to afford and maintain a home. Or perhaps feel worried that there may be many of these people voting leaders into office, potentially being those leaders. Possibly I have even experienced unhinged, emoji-saturated lectures from some of them on facebook and youtube.

this one seems too rooted in reality. It isn’t dumb enough for it to be funny how funny it isn’t.



that is a bit worse, and consequently better, although I personally would have opted for “eatum bullet” or “biton bullet” or, if space permitted, “gottum shottum byum bullet”

oddly enough two weeks prior, the ED U. Dead stone was out in front on the ground next to Bob D. Headed and I was dismayed that it was gone when I returned to take a picture of it, then could not contain my amusement when I discovered it again, then more so after considering where it had relocated to.


this jovial grim reaper and meeply illustrated grave marker are disturbingly inspired, given the context. Unless I imagine that the skeleton handled all the decorating and wants to watch and see who is impressed, and then it all works. I accept that they are boneheads.



January 20, 2021
Promotions for the April 5, 2008 Christopher Walken/Panic! At the Disco episode of Saturday Night Live referenced the “More Cowbell” sketch. The cowbell did not appear during the actual episode.

recently in the frozen food section at my local El Shoppo supermarket i was overcome with an unnatural feeling. something wasn’t quite right but was quite corny


no not that

there is NO WAY goya fit THAT much disco into these tiny little bags. i am not by any system of measures a music theory expert but i have spent a night on disco mountain and I recognize when someone is jive talking and telling me lies.
Is the pan demic causing a disco shortage? We have been down to one beegee for a few years now, it is little surprise that the strategic disco reserve is at an all time low. Maybe Goya is concerned about causing an outbreak of disco fever but that is no excuse for surreptitiously downsizing the disco. Goya has come under criticism for its close relationship with the Trump administration, and I would hate to think they knew what was going on all along and were colluding to drive up the price of disco. It is bad enough I can only afford a fifth of Beethoven.
According to one disco expert, quote: “I couldn’t get enough, so I had to self destruct.” He seemed optimistic that satisfaction would come with a chain reaction but those are the words of a desperate man and I don’t think anybody should have to resort to such measures. He further purported to have “heard somebody say ‘burn baby burn'” but would not discolose the identity of his source. The blood will be on Goya’s hands if disco enthusiasts across the land begin exploding due to disco deficiency. It’s tragedy when you lose control and you got no soul.


ah this box size looks a bit more accurate but what? 40 discos?! impossible! even if it were possible that would be TOO MUCH disco! You would be crazy like a fool to try and take that much. I contend that at proper size 10 is a whole lotta disco and probably at about the periphery of safe discosages. It is hard enough staying alive as things are. I would like to report that there is no need to feel down; that’s the way I like it, but Goya seems inclined to turn it upside down. Believe me, I don’t like having to report on this and you shouldn’t have to worry about it. You should be dancing, yeah. Also We Are Family is bloody awful.



January 1, 2021
In the Game Boy Advance version, Mickey’s eyebrows are removed during closeups because Mickey had a slightly short face change appearance in the 21st century Mickey Mouse Cartoons.

numerous misguided illustrations from 2020 and at least three guided ones in video form. Please accept my condolences if you recognize them all. I do not believe that there is any single website on which every one appeared.


I completely forgot to make a “2020 in pictures” post because I suspected a video like this would be slightly more striking, and when I did one last time I didn’t get it out until january 6! finding 12-24 static pictures shouldn’t take me longer than part of one day, so it will probably be ready by January 4 at the latest.

i sped up tedious or extra embarrassing items but I have not knowingly excluded anything apart from numerous frames from beet cartoon part 3 because many are not “finished” and if they were this would essentially be that video instead of this one.

In 2020 was the conclusion of my first botched free “sketch” giveaway and the entirety of my second, which means possibly the most amount of other people’s characters I have drawn in one year, and I do not intend to do that a third time. I am curious as to if that means I will have fewer illustrations overall in 2021 and more other types of works, or if I will simply glop up more needless illustrations of my own marginally thought out concepts as a consequence of fearing i will be forgotten if I do not post at least one finished dumb picture every week. Smart pictures are unlikely.

The music, something is missing in the second half that will give it the depth I desire, but the conclusion after that point only works by accident and I am not accustomed to committing accidents on purpose and it is only necessary to be endurable, not “good,” so that will need also to wait. I do not know for certain that I ever got covid but I am plenty sick of hearing this dumb tune for the time being!



June 10, 2020
Disney has derived some breezy situations, one or two of them a bit saucy but, considering the animal characters, permissible.”[8]


following from far off land of last month, I can’t get over how much I hate this. if i saw anybody wearing this i would throw a car radiator at them. you might think this is silly to get angry about when police brutality but police brutality didn’t just get invented two weeks ago, that’s the point of the protests. I did in fact write this PRIOR to that, so THEN you might say i DID get over it, but in fact I only deferred my not being over it!
the text seems to indicate this is a best seller but that just means masks in general sold out; they print these to order. I still don’t know why anybody would buy ANY of these. To me the idea of paying to have a designer mask made says “I like wearing a mask during mundane activities!” and I would not say that.

Of course a twit who condescends at others to ‘do your part’ boasts about supporting predatory corporations while small businesses go to hell. Tell me to shut up and stay in my house while you go to star bucks every single day to pay 5 dollars for a cup of stimulant prepared by someone who doesn’t have the choice to stay home to help you stay alert while you watch garbage designed for children and think that makes you a free spirit even though every single opinion you have is based on receiving the most obvious promoted thing and liking it and that buying ‘proceeds go toward’ rubbish makes you a generous free spirit even as you shill for free for evil billionaires who would charge you to breathe if they could.

my expectation is the vast majority of products offered on a website like this are never purchased by anyone but this is on page 3 of 277 which suggests at least SOMEBODY bought 1 to put it toward the front. the two previous pages also feature numerous items that mention disney products. and indeed -every- item offered by “Galactic Threadz” leeches off disney. and also star wars for no other reason than disney owning it now. in fact the tagline is “disney inspired.”


the very first item is again about coffee. this time generic coffee but d-d-d-DISNEY is still specific. the person-like entity who buys this probably posts daily reminders of when their birthday is and thinks saying “stay safe” is a profound kindhearted gesture and that a stay at home order is the same thing as a quarantine.

i checked it again today and to its “credit” it isn’t trying to capitalize off of black lives matter, as far as I can tell; considering the possibility that something which did might get complained about and removed, however there are sixty two additional designs. nobody makes 62 designs in two weeks, even if every element is ripped from another source. Very likely the designs themselves are ripped off or carried over from previous similar ventures; I assume we have all been seeing this for years, and so obviously they wouldn’t reflect any current event. Coffee and forced smiling dead-inside compliance and paying to advertise your participation in it are always current, though.

there’s never a drive-by shooting around when you need one. Surely those gang signs are an insult to SOMEONE apart from anyone with taste.



July 18, 2018
Dumping Jack Trash – A garbage man who always spoke in rhyme


The sea captain’s choice! or rather, I think, the sea captain’s choice of what not to eat since it looked like cat food. Why should I assume that somebody who works on a ship is an expert on fish as food? There isn’t a culinary standards component of the officer training, is there? I once knew a US Marine captain who told me he had to learn how to waltz to complete the certification, which DID strike me as somewhat out there, but his favorite food was gummy worms. However, a captain in the marines is a lower rank than captain in the navy, even though navies operate in marine environments, so maybe things get more specialized as you go up. Maybe to become an admiral you need to be able to knit your own socks.


on that topic (cats, not socks): are cats really PROUD that they defecate into a box in my house?


They would make much more money doing it in public places of business.
I remember when it was considered SHOCKING for the tv show south park to have a smiling, talking, singing, anthropomorphic lump of excrement, and now this is something you are allowed to display in a place that sells food.


That is just unsanitary. I saw them on adhesive bandages also. I cannot find the picture I took. Probably for the best. That seems like the opposite of what you want to do to disinfect a wound.

Where I really want to put that: my mouth.


how can you even tell when this is clean? When there are no worms crawling through it? The captain will be especially worried if they are gummy.


Made in china. this is taking jobs from American toilets. I call on consumers to stop buying Chinese sh|t.*

Wonderful now i feel ill. Why is there no smiling lump of dried vomit emoji? There is nothing so gross that you can’t put a a face on it and make it grosser. Or grocery, even.


*Astute readers will see that I did not actually put an i in that word and therefore have not officially “said” the word that it looks like. My friend and colleague ms-dos will attest that all i committed was a syntax error.



September 9, 2012
Last year, Malaysia allowed gays to appear in films for the first time, so long as they turned straight at the end.


Asterix and Cleopatra, 50 bc (English translation, 1969)

Beat em and Eat em, 1982 (note that Dynacom owns the registered trademark of all video games)

Asterix and Cleopatra, superfluous English retranslation, 1995

Soup and Rainbow Duck, 2012

What does this prove? Morals have slipped through the ages, to the effect that eating beets in public, forbidden in the ancient society of 50 bc, has been reinterpreted as a positive so now fools flagrantly flaunt their bow ties and order singular beets on plates in the company of ducks in our finest restaurants. I mean the wretch went to a restaurant and ordered one plain, uncooked, unadorned beet on a plate. That is all. It could have gone to the beet market and bought one beet and eaten that in its own home on its own plate and not had to have gotten into anyone else’s business, but it enjoys dominating people and lacking scruples. Even Bat-Man, known to associate with some crooked sorts



too cowardly to reveal their identities, could not stop this horror.


He hasn’t been seen since. He definitely wasn’t in that Dark Knight Rises movie. Yes between that and the new Spider-Man I’d say both could benefit from having Bat-Man in them.



April 20, 2012
Invasive snakes pose new threat to Everglades

update for november 28, 2021: this is supposed to show a little swf flash cartoon. at some point every person getting paid decided to systematically destroy the ability to show those on web pages in favor of more complicated uglier things that require much more disk space, so now there is nothing here! I do not know how long this has been broken, probably a few years by now. A pity, though not a surprise.
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This was made for somebody called bowrll for some reason at some point.

Also it loops forever. Don’t expect anything to happen.

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An amazing discovery detailed In May’s Journal of Biological Chemistry: Scientists have isolated the gene that causes loneliness.

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September 19, 2011
Along with moving along at an unrealistic pace that humans’ brains are not equipped to handle, the plot of Spongebob SquarePants depends on magical occurences and other things that can’t happen in real life.

I’m so used to seeing stupid anthropomorphisized fruit in my supermarket photograph collections that I must have momentarily forgotten how incredibly strange these look when I mentioned them last week. No doubt that was a factor in my deciding to take the picture in the first place, however. Instead of unfeasible cartoon eyeballs they or an unknown party (perhaps each other?) have ripped out pieces of their own skin and shaped that into cruel, functionless mockeries of eyeballs. The nugget fiends don’t seem to mind, but it is often the case that a shriek of joy temporarily shares a facial expression with unfathomable horror.


What makes these nuggets “au some?” I can find no reason for the spelling/spacing liberties here, unless it’s related to the nutritional ennui that leads a person to pick up a box of fruit nuggets.

Howdy. May I help you? Fruit, you say?

Ey I ain’t no health nut, I just want something fruit-y.

au, have some nuggets.

“Made From 66% Real Juices & Fruits.” Fife, I eat gummy bears which are made from 0% anything good, so maybe I ought not to complain. And then it lists all this no trans fat, no artificial colors statistics. But at some point there’s no excuse to not just eat real fruit. “24 .06 ounce Pouches” This is a good alternative to other pouched fruit products, but there shouldn’t be any pouched fruit products for whom product is a necessary disclaimer.

And now, all new* nuggets the drink. *Apart from this picture being old and my having forgotten I had taken it four years prior to the other one.
Fruit juice is for squares. We want juice FROM squares. From the nuggets that are made from part of the juice of the fruit. The orange is gone because the apple ate it and absorbed its powers and colors, because the apple is secretly Megaman. You might claim that Megaman doesn’t eat his foes. However, usually his enemies aren’t fruit, and massive complex robots wouldn’t just disappear upon defeat, even after being fried with high density heat projectiles that would potentially render tiny organic objects into vapour-like particles. That’s basic physics. Megaman must have eaten them. It reminds me of a long forgotten webpage by someone known simply as “The Heretic,” who theorized that Luke Skywalker’s tremendous increase in Jedi powers between Star Wars events is owed to him having eaten Yoda, and that’s why Yoda’s body dissolved as Yoda became dead. Luke exhibits powers even before Yoda’s death, because in fact he ate Obi Wan Kenobi as well. He did this from across a corridor through some means that I neglected to recall but that The Heretic no doubt described in satisfactory detail. I look forward to seeing this on Cracked.com as soon as they find two more Amazing Star Wars Cannibalisms [I] Never Knew Happened or manage to get the one spaced over three ad-laden pages and phrased in a strictly informative tone.

Nuggets are also an Excellent Source of Antioxidants. Do you know what else is?

Candy. Why do we eat anything else? Well actually raisinets are a “natural” source of antioxidants. Like always there are specific legal controls on the use of otherwise nonspecific terminologies the likes of “good,” “great” and “excellent.” As we’ve already observed, the nuggets also meet the minimum requirement for “natural” which can’t be very high. Thankfully nobody can tell you how flashy you may make the graphic announcing your abomination’s bond with nature.



Raisinets also won an award for being in a room with busts of guys wearing chef hats. I like the idea of one of them laboring over a huge steaming pot with a dinkity little raisin it.


Although some prestiges elude even raisinets. There are “golden” raisins, yellow of color, in the world, but this award is reserved strictly for results that taste like jewelry. The only way to achieve that is to wear raisinets as jewelry, and then to hope they will have the courtesy to continue tasting like themselves. Yes this was a good day to criticize the humor content of other websites that one or more of my favorite internet people find favorable or write for.

and this…! Ah bosh you probably can’t tell at this resolution. Let me see if I can get a more clear picture.

This I absolutely cannot condone. I shall say no more on the topic today.



April 24, 2011
With a little bit of luck you won’t get ooked!

I didn’t forget, I was just really, really disappointed. And quite busy, also killing Osama bin Laden.
——————————————————
Legally, my notice about the disappointing post happened on May 1.
——————————————————
I will post something on May 1! It will probably be disappointing!
——————————————————



That’s just irresponsible. This should not be encouraged and we should not be excited about it.


I really don’t feel safe. The mango level is out of control. It has become a danger to itself and those around it. Medieval restraint devices have been brought out. We couldn’t possibly just call this “mango flavored iced tea”, given the circumstances.


It is not at all sensible. It is not moderating its own actions.


Beside the point but no more sensible.


Now we’ve given them guns! This is not the way to help them!

That’s safer, but still not addressing the problem.


I like your enthusiasm and elbows but this isn’t helping either.



Can we not recycle or eh resume in a responsible manner?

And should we really be enrouraging people to use so much junk that the bin is philled up?


To be fair, one’s sex attraction is not typically filtered through logic or reason.

In the interest of vertical balance I will post the wordy part of my madness spree later, with less pictures.


I’m sure you’re excited to know there’s more where this came from. With that said I will refrain from commenting on the shape of Phillup’s waste adornment.



April 1, 2010
Better watch out for those man-eating jackrabbits and that killer cacti. Hey, dude.

You agree with me that 1 am is way too late for the idiots a block over from me to be blasting corny music all over the place, don’t you?

==================================================

Dear loyal bimshwel customers: I’m deadHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH APRULFOOOOUHAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHG I’VE BEEN SHOT


HA HA NO I HAVEN’T!GOTCHA THAT TIME AYPRALLL FOOOOOOOOHHHHHHNOOOOO I’VE BEEN SHOT AGAIN!

NOPE NOT REALLY! HA HA HA HOOOGOSH DEAR FLOOPITY I’VE LAUGHED SO HARD I’VE CAUSED MYSELF
MORTAL INJURY NO I HAVEN’T

HA HA HA HO NOW IS THE TIME WHEN I LAUGH NO IT ISN’t YES IT IS HA HA HA H


And now I am sad.
YES INDEEDNO NOT REALLY


 
 



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