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Questionable artwork and pedantic miscellany
June 10, 2020
Disney has derived some breezy situations, one or two of them a bit saucy but, considering the animal characters, permissible.”[8]

following from far off land of last month, I can’t get over how much I hate this. if i saw anybody wearing this i would throw a car radiator at them. you might think this is silly to get angry about when police brutality but police brutality didn’t just get invented two weeks ago, that’s the point of the protests. I did in fact write this PRIOR to that, so THEN you might say i DID get over it, but in fact I only deferred my not being over it!
the text seems to indicate this is a best seller but that just means masks in general sold out; they print these to order. I still don’t know why anybody would buy ANY of these. To me the idea of paying to have a designer mask made says “I like wearing a mask during mundane activities!” and I would not say that.

Of course a twit who condescends at others to ‘do your part’ boasts about supporting predatory corporations while small businesses go to hell. Tell me to shut up and stay in my house while you go to star bucks every single day to pay 5 dollars for a cup of stimulant prepared by someone who doesn’t have the choice to stay home to help you stay alert while you watch garbage designed for children and think that makes you a free spirit even though every single opinion you have is based on receiving the most obvious promoted thing and liking it and that buying ‘proceeds go toward’ rubbish makes you a generous free spirit even as you shill for free for evil billionaires who would charge you to breathe if they could.

my expectation is the vast majority of products offered on a website like this are never purchased by anyone but this is on page 3 of 277 which suggests at least SOMEBODY bought 1 to put it toward the front. the two previous pages also feature numerous items that mention disney products. and indeed -every- item offered by “Galactic Threadz” leeches off disney. and also star wars for no other reason than disney owning it now. in fact the tagline is “disney inspired.”

the very first item is again about coffee. this time generic coffee but d-d-d-DISNEY is still specific. the person-like entity who buys this probably posts daily reminders of when their birthday is and thinks saying “stay safe” is a profound kindhearted gesture and that a stay at home order is the same thing as a quarantine.

i checked it again today and to its “credit” it isn’t trying to capitalize off of black lives matter, as far as I can tell; considering the possibility that something which did might get complained about and removed, however there are sixty two additional designs. nobody makes 62 designs in two weeks, even if every element is ripped from another source. Very likely the designs themselves are ripped off or carried over from previous similar ventures; I assume we have all been seeing this for years, and so obviously they wouldn’t reflect any current event. Coffee and forced smiling dead-inside compliance and paying to advertise your participation in it are always current, though.

there’s never a drive-by shooting around when you need one. Surely those gang signs are an insult to SOMEONE apart from anyone with taste.

July 18, 2018
Dumping Jack Trash – A garbage man who always spoke in rhyme

The sea captain’s choice! or rather, I think, the sea captain’s choice of what not to eat since it looked like cat food. Why should I assume that somebody who works on a ship is an expert on fish as food? There isn’t a culinary standards component of the officer training, is there? I once knew a US Marine captain who told me he had to learn how to waltz to complete the certification, which DID strike me as somewhat out there, but his favorite food was gummy worms. However, a captain in the marines is a lower rank than captain in the navy, even though navies operate in marine environments, so maybe things get more specialized as you go up. Maybe to become an admiral you need to be able to knit your own socks.

on that topic (cats, not socks): are cats really PROUD that they defecate into a box in my house?

They would make much more money doing it in public places of business.
I remember when it was considered SHOCKING for the tv show south park to have a smiling, talking, singing, anthropomorphic lump of excrement, and now this is something you are allowed to display in a place that sells food.

That is just unsanitary. I saw them on adhesive bandages also. I cannot find the picture I took. Probably for the best. That seems like the opposite of what you want to do to disinfect a wound.

Where I really want to put that: my mouth.

how can you even tell when this is clean? When there are no worms crawling through it? The captain will be especially worried if they are gummy.

Made in china. this is taking jobs from American toilets. I call on consumers to stop buying Chinese sh|t.*

Wonderful now i feel ill. Why is there no smiling lump of dried vomit emoji? There is nothing so gross that you can’t put a a face on it and make it grosser. Or grocery, even.

*Astute readers will see that I did not actually put an i in that word and therefore have not officially “said” the word that it looks like. My friend and colleague ms-dos will attest that all i committed was a syntax error.

September 9, 2012
Last year, Malaysia allowed gays to appear in films for the first time, so long as they turned straight at the end.

Asterix and Cleopatra, 50 bc (English translation, 1969)

Beat em and Eat em, 1982 (note that Dynacom owns the registered trademark of all video games)

Asterix and Cleopatra, superfluous English retranslation, 1995

Soup and Rainbow Duck, 2012

What does this prove? Morals have slipped through the ages, to the effect that eating beets in public, forbidden in the ancient society of 50 bc, has been reinterpreted as a positive so now fools flagrantly flaunt their bow ties and order singular beets on plates in the company of ducks in our finest restaurants. I mean the wretch went to a restaurant and ordered one plain, uncooked, unadorned beet on a plate. That is all. It could have gone to the beet market and bought one beet and eaten that in its own home on its own plate and not had to have gotten into anyone else’s business, but it enjoys dominating people and lacking scruples. Even Bat-Man, known to associate with some crooked sorts

too cowardly to reveal their identities, could not stop this horror.

He hasn’t been seen since. He definitely wasn’t in that Dark Knight Rises movie. Yes between that and the new Spider-Man I’d say both could benefit from having Bat-Man in them.

April 20, 2012
Invasive snakes pose new threat to Everglades

This was made for somebody called bowrll for some reason at some point.

Also it loops forever. Don’t expect anything to happen.


An amazing discovery detailed In May’s Journal of Biological Chemistry: Scientists have isolated the gene that causes loneliness.


September 19, 2011
Along with moving along at an unrealistic pace that humans’ brains are not equipped to handle, the plot of Spongebob SquarePants depends on magical occurences and other things that can’t happen in real life.

I’m so used to seeing stupid anthropomorphisized fruit in my supermarket photograph collections that I must have momentarily forgotten how incredibly strange these look when I mentioned them last week. No doubt that was a factor in my deciding to take the picture in the first place, however. Instead of unfeasible cartoon eyeballs they or an unknown party (perhaps each other?) have ripped out pieces of their own skin and shaped that into cruel, functionless mockeries of eyeballs. The nugget fiends don’t seem to mind, but it is often the case that a shriek of joy temporarily shares a facial expression with unfathomable horror.

What makes these nuggets “au some?” I can find no reason for the spelling/spacing liberties here, unless it’s related to the nutritional ennui that leads a person to pick up a box of fruit nuggets.

Howdy. May I help you? Fruit, you say?

Ey I ain’t no health nut, I just want something fruit-y.

au, have some nuggets.

“Made From 66% Real Juices & Fruits.” Fife, I eat gummy bears which are made from 0% anything good, so maybe I ought not to complain. And then it lists all this no trans fat, no artificial colors statistics. But at some point there’s no excuse to not just eat real fruit. “24 .06 ounce Pouches” This is a good alternative to other pouched fruit products, but there shouldn’t be any pouched fruit products for whom product is a necessary disclaimer.

And now, all new* nuggets the drink. *Apart from this picture being old and my having forgotten I had taken it four years prior to the other one.
Fruit juice is for squares. We want juice FROM squares. From the nuggets that are made from part of the juice of the fruit. The orange is gone because the apple ate it and absorbed its powers and colors, because the apple is secretly Megaman. You might claim that Megaman doesn’t eat his foes. However, usually his enemies aren’t fruit, and massive complex robots wouldn’t just disappear upon defeat, even after being fried with high density heat projectiles that would potentially render tiny organic objects into vapour-like particles. That’s basic physics. Megaman must have eaten them. It reminds me of a long forgotten webpage by someone known simply as “The Heretic,” who theorized that Luke Skywalker’s tremendous increase in Jedi powers between Star Wars events is owed to him having eaten Yoda, and that’s why Yoda’s body dissolved as Yoda became dead. Luke exhibits powers even before Yoda’s death, because in fact he ate Obi Wan Kenobi as well. He did this from across a corridor through some means that I neglected to recall but that The Heretic no doubt described in satisfactory detail. I look forward to seeing this on as soon as they find two more Amazing Star Wars Cannibalisms [I] Never Knew Happened or manage to get the one spaced over three ad-laden pages and phrased in a strictly informative tone.

Nuggets are also an Excellent Source of Antioxidants. Do you know what else is?

Candy. Why do we eat anything else? Well actually raisinets are a “natural” source of antioxidants. Like always there are specific legal controls on the use of otherwise nonspecific terminologies the likes of “good,” “great” and “excellent.” As we’ve already observed, the nuggets also meet the minimum requirement for “natural” which can’t be very high. Thankfully nobody can tell you how flashy you may make the graphic announcing your abomination’s bond with nature.

Raisinets also won an award for being in a room with busts of guys wearing chef hats. I like the idea of one of them laboring over a huge steaming pot with a dinkity little raisin it.

Although some prestiges elude even raisinets. There are “golden” raisins, yellow of color, in the world, but this award is reserved strictly for results that taste like jewelry. The only way to achieve that is to wear raisinets as jewelry, and then to hope they will have the courtesy to continue tasting like themselves. Yes this was a good day to criticize the humor content of other websites that one or more of my favorite internet people find favorable or write for.

and this…! Ah bosh you probably can’t tell at this resolution. Let me see if I can get a more clear picture.

This I absolutely cannot condone. I shall say no more on the topic today.

April 24, 2011
With a little bit of luck you won’t get ooked!

I didn’t forget, I was just really, really disappointed. And quite busy, also killing Osama bin Laden.
Legally, my notice about the disappointing post happened on May 1.
I will post something on May 1! It will probably be disappointing!

That’s just irresponsible. This should not be encouraged and we should not be excited about it.

I really don’t feel safe. The mango level is out of control. It has become a danger to itself and those around it. Medieval restraint devices have been brought out. We couldn’t possibly just call this “mango flavored iced tea”, given the circumstances.

It is not at all sensible. It is not moderating its own actions.

Beside the point but no more sensible.

Now we’ve given them guns! This is not the way to help them!

That’s safer, but still not addressing the problem.

I like your enthusiasm and elbows but this isn’t helping either.

Can we not recycle or eh resume in a responsible manner?

And should we really be enrouraging people to use so much junk that the bin is philled up?

To be fair, one’s sex attraction is not typically filtered through logic or reason.

In the interest of vertical balance I will post the wordy part of my madness spree later, with less pictures.

I’m sure you’re excited to know there’s more where this came from. With that said I will refrain from commenting on the shape of Phillup’s waste adornment.

April 1, 2010
Better watch out for those man-eating jackrabbits and that killer cacti. Hey, dude.

You agree with me that 1 am is way too late for the idiots a block over from me to be blasting corny music all over the place, don’t you?






And now I am sad.


March 10, 2010
Don’t look now, but there is also a pumpkin shortage.

Is this site still here? I could have sworn I threw it out last week.


I honestly have no idea sometimes.


I think this is boring, but I already told somebody I’d write about it, and now I have to.

A few people seemed to think I had missed the point of a ubiquitous trend in internet advertising which I have complained about recently: that the things are supposed to be ugly. I believe now that there is no point to miss, and the absence of one is what worries me. It is true that I did not consider that the ugliness may be deliberate, but now that I have, I find it yet less forgivable.
The New York good ol Times website, which apparently doesn’t force me to log in anymore but still uses crazy click-tracky urls, had a story about the weird ads over two years before I could no longer contain my indignation. Yes, the ads get people’s attention. So does murdering them and/or wearing a suit made entirely of pizzas. Not all attention is good. And unless they’re from Sbarro there’s a good chance you ruined those pizzas.

Of course, that’s just the lower m’bills gang; the “get ripped” people are probably ripping off (oh ho) the proven winner. And so the thing that was unique five years ago is now irritatingly common in addition to sickeningly unsightly. In that not-mine article, the company also claims credit for the “click the icon representing your state” series, which I hate more than most other things. That one was so ugly it literally made me itch. It was like Chakan. The fifty tiny icons with state abbreviations on them presented as kernels of corn or large eyed ladybugs, bobbing around at the same time. 100 creepy eyes really close together and instead of mouths or pincers they had pairs of letters. It made me ill, as well as my computer, which struggled to render so many separate objects at the same time in a flash file. If my computer could vomit, I’d wish it wouldn’t.

So, anyway, ads are ugly, and they know it, and they like it.

Across six decades, television ads evolved from happy-go-lucky-go-shoppy hokeyness to cynical, market-researched “yeah, no…” scrumsack panderthons, but they’ve always been selling a product or a service. Even the Angry Gumball. I’ve been on and off the internet for over ten years, and banner ads have always been surreally disgusting and they’ve never had much to offer beyond vague schemes. Fill out this survey and win! Hit the monkey and win! No, forget that peef, you ALREADY won!

They don’t even bother with an asterisk most of the time. I don’t understand them and I don’t trust them. When similarly shifty operations like Cashcall show up on television, they resemble banner ads. Somehow, there is a lucrative category of customer who can be brought in entirely through blind curiosity over an ugly thing. This is not surprising; I never seem to get over it, but since the early 90s, cartoons have gotten uglier and uglier (or stayed as ugly while ones which were less ugly deaded out), and more and more kids have grown up watching more and more ugliness. They have been bred to be fond of the repulsive. The fact that anybody can be persuaded to drop dollars like this sickens me. It’s like in a feel-good-movie-of-the-year where some idiot will be taping triscuits to his socks or something and a billionaire happens to be passing by and says “that’s just the sort of ingenuity I’m looking for! Come work for me! Here’s $50000 regardless!” Why I oughtta!

While lover-my-bills actually does have a thing that it does, which is referring people to companies which in turn pay that website for the referral, I naturally assume the recommendations are less than the best possible advice and that LMB is more likely to refer to companies that pay it more for referrals. In part because its method for drawing customers is insincere, in part because it’s on the internet. The internet, where you can get music, movies and 600 dollar software for free, but actually attempting to pay somebody for something can cost you your live’s monetary savings because you paid the wrong people (or merely because your credit card was compromised when the 973rd “insecure connection” warning your computer didn’t bother to show you actually meant something). Which is a stupid generalization, and probably one that has been made before. Lowermebills probably isn’t a scam, but it acts like one, and actual scams act like it. I can’t myself conceive of how a nice looking advertisement for that company would look, though. They either have to be the ugliest or not succeed, because all they’re selling is dubious advice. It’s not my job to investigate what services are legitimate and which aren’t. There are places you can get information like that, and you should, if you give the slightest consideration to giving credit card information to a site you came to through a non-sequitur advertisement designed by first-graders.

The American Family Publishers were notorious for informing people that they “may already have won” millions of dollars as a way of enticing those people to buy trashy magazines through the mail. Do you know what happened to that? People sued the company out of existence because it was LYING. Publisher’s Clearing House was worse, but it scammed a lot more people, and so the amount that didn’t bother to sue it back collectively still bought enough magazines it didn’t want to keep the company in business. Or something. I read the wikehhhpedia page about a year ago so don’t use me as a source when you write a research paper for your sweepstakes studies class. People could have avoided being fooled if they’d paid more attention, but it never occurred to them that in this country there were large groups of people actively working to scam them out of their money. These days, of course, that happens on a much grander scale with companies scamming the government itself while simultaneously convincing the same government to pass more and more laws that allow bigger and bigger scams. And so compared to that, a decade’s worth of colorful flashing lies controlling the internet doesn’t seem as bad. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stand back and watch them flash and lie without a fight, either.

I’m glad uh someone believes in me.

If you have a PROBLEM I’d appreciate if you’d just say so.

What does THAT mean? Is it some sort of a warning? Or a threat? Arb, I hate not knowing!

Renk, I have to talk to some dumb monster now? Forget it, I don’t WANT to know!

I said I don’t want to- oh fiddle dee diaper.

January 9, 2010
My way is Hanes her way

We would like to apologize in advance for the overabundance of exposed pectoral and thereabouts imagery in this moderately mediocre page update, but we went way over-budget on regret last year and the boss has requested that why try to keep that sort of thing to a minimum for now. So watch out. Also, the fiend pictured above is not the boss. It’s not employed, either. Whoever let it in here will soon also not be.

Getting dressed, however, will take another month. This fellow may even have sold his clothing for more abs, as the rack of garments, in addition to his extensive collection of facial expressions seems to have been removed between the two pictures. “Abs” being an abbreviation of “abdominal partitions,” which people wish to have as many of as possible for some reason. I reckon you could get the same effect by tying strings tightly around yourself and not removing them for a year, sort of like when you wear the same sock for too long.

Is there something wrong with me for thinking that sort of grotesque muscling is unpleasant in appearance and almost sort of gross? That guy looks like he has a skin-eating disease. He looks like a xenomorph. It’s not as bad as comic book art, where everything is outlined in black and is visible through all clothing, as if the curious costumes are stapled directly to peoples’ stomachs. That is not a factor in this situation, however, as this man owns no shirts, and we thankfully cannot see his legs.

In some cases, such as with the Bat-Man, special suits can be acquired which are muscular even when they aren’t in use. It is a proprietary technology of Wayne Enterprises which involves use of a special machine that coats the material in miniature tic-tac-toe boards.

Thank me for not showing their whole bodies. Or even better just curse me less for everything else I’ve ever done. No, no, please forget that. I know when I’m asking too much.

I made a brief, futile attempt to figure out, for drawing purposes, how the things work a while back and an alarming number of the exhibits I encountered online featured uniformly stripped away skin but didn’t bother with the eyes, even though tho tho those are organs and not muscles. And you might contribute that it would look more creepy without the eyes, and that I have no reason to assume that other organs are not also included. Why do you insist on making things more difficult for me? This is hard! Maybe if the creeple people didn’t look totally content with the situation I would be less bothered… It almost seems normal for them. Perhaps it’s a “Data from Star Trek” sort of contentment, in the absense of standard emotions, but that’s the most unsettling of all.

The right one looks like Data, I mean.

The left one looks like Deacon “Dave” Batistor of the wuh-whee wrestling federation, whose inarguable use of growth supplements may well indeed have shriveled his testicular units to g-rated muscle chart illustration level visibility, who also only has a limited quantity of facial expressions and is not fond of proper dress, but he doesn’t look as lifelike.

Or maybe it’s “the” Brock Lesnarbert, formerly of the WWE and currently of the Ultimate Fighting Guys-on-ground-not-moving Federation. I think my point is that I wish I didn’t know who either of them were.

This one, while not QUITE as creepy, proves they can be aware of my presence and I fear it may alert the others. Many appear to have hair, also. It’s not Slim Goodbody afro hair, but it still shouldn’t be there. As long as they’re awake and aware of the situations, they ought to put some clothes on. Even the ones with discrete lumps in specific areas rather than uh. Covering their muscular systems may render them unfit to serve as models of muscular systems, but I already implied that I gave up on my attempt to draw it properly (I implied this by uploading artwork in which it was evident I had not bothered to learn anything) that so they should leave me alone. I am a quitter because I’m afraid to be a loser. I decline to comment on how I feel about being a coward. But shark! What’s that I hear?

Ho ho oaf! Santa Claus finally accepted my steroid jelly beans on a plate! I knew if I kept my decorations up for another week something grand would happen! (though you might want to pass on the milk, pharma-culinary tradition aside) You need to put on mass, ya jingly twig!

November 26, 2009
This Sunday ABC plays host to an event that’s gonna make the whole country go country

Why does the Red Robin need to ride around in a dirigible? Birds can fly on their own. Get to work, bird! More importantly, why is the passenger chamber an enormous, hollowed out hamburger? What is keeping the pieces together? Not a sense of unity inspired by strong leadership, definitely. I’ve seen that facial expression on an incompetent aviator before.

Here is a clearer view I found on the website for the crooked masterminds supposedly [ir]responsible. First of all, COKE BOTTLE PROPELLERS! More importantly, what business has this confessed commie flying the stars and stripes? American robins are not robins at all. They are thrushes. Therefore, one way or another this lofty Leninist is a feathery fraud. How could anybody trust it?
It’s bad enough that this treasonous pteranodon advocates factory bred livestock meat consumption, but using its product to construct your personal chariot is just decadent and probably more than a little bit gross.

Even the person who ordered that this television box be installed in the FLOOR thinks you’ve gone too far. I reckon.

Additionally, beef is one thing (or rather, many, many things whose constant production dooms our planet), but this egomaniacal erithacus has, in a move that surprises me less and less these days, sold out some of its other feathren…

“Clucks!” The chicken fingers are called “clucks!” They were good tasting chicken fingers, but if I at any point heard one CLUCK I might have felt the need to CHUCK. See also: actual chicken fingers.

But hey, what ho*: free refills on so. Da. I will deliberately abstain from soft drinks when I know I will be attending an appropriate dining facility so that I can better make use of such unlimited imbibement potential. Of course, for 2.39 I could probably buy half a case of the stuff and drink it at my leisure rather than all at once, and spare myself the carbonation sickness for the remainder of the evening, but this is one of few areas in which I am capable of “showing off” to others, and so I will take it, because I have a sad and empty life. This and eating the pickle chips that come with my french fries. In fact, if I don’t get any I will ask for some. I like pickles with my french fries. What I don’t like: morally mishapping plumed passerine poltroons.

You agree with me, don’t you?

*I am no ho.

Nobody I know has a website anymore

Mr. Sr. Mxy
Gilhodes (bah you need a facebook account to see)
video game music database
pacific novelty
Green Lantern Head Trauma

them`s fightin` woids: September 23, 2020
Charmlatan sez:
You owe your loyal readers an omelet!
September 23, 2020
Frimpinheap sez:
They would not fit in the frame, so I could not show the irrelevant Yibrick grabbing them!...
September 23, 2020
Charmlatan sez:
I can’t believe we were robbed of a machine with a crown of eggs. Delicious,...
September 16, 2020
Purplespace sez:
Pineco is the worst co! They don’t even use real co!
September 9, 2020
Charmlatan sez:
The snake looks like it’s scheming.
August 30, 2020
Charmlatan sez:
Maybe choose the one with the cowboy hat?
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    Dynamite HeaddY
    McDonald's Treasureland Adventure
    Pac in Time part 1
    Pac in Time part 2
    Air Fortress
    Super Widget
    Back to the Forest (the skunny page)
    Tintin and the Prisoners of the Sun
    Bip Bop II
    2001, a space waste
    Barney's Hide and Seek "Game"
    too late to make a difference
    Moraff's Dungeons of the Unforgiven
    before the one above it
    Super Games Galore! Doy!
    other things
    Awards this website hasn't won
    The first First Beet segment
    Embarrassing pictures 1
    Embarrassing pictures 2
    The same
    Umiliphus (my old derivative megamen sprite comic
    11/24/04, (I can only justify this by calling it an experiment, so I shall)
    Poetry Page
    The same