January 13, 2009

'Please... let me call my family...' 'NO!  FIRST EAT SOUP!'

Are blind taste tests telling me I should close my eyes all day just to buy different brands of the same food? It doesn’t seem like much of a trade off. But I would have to do that, because I am already biased, and I would know what I was buying. Just for the taste tests, might I suggest disposing of your empty cans rather than placing them beside the bowls? It’s bad housekeeping first, and having the evidence gone might also help you cut back on your blind-fold budget.
Ehhh, soup is hard enough to eat drink have when I can see it, with noodles and nondescript green vegetabloids flopping all over the place. Why torture this poor sightless souper further?

This is from a recent advertisement for the Campbell soup company, which has decided to make its marketing strategy accusing its biggest competitor, Progresso, of infusing its product with Alpha-Bits. When our blind broth biter slops the Campbelled soup she claims to taste chicken meat and nondescript green vegetabloids, and when her mouth molests Progressoup, she only tastes preservatives and MSG. Quite an astounding thing to be able to do, and I think with such keen senses this person may have a bright* future as a drug sniffing dog, but what is MSG? Another ad makes it more clear…

*or dark, if she insists on keeping her eyes covered

Typical half-literate consumer in need of guidance who speaks on our behalf, reading label:
Mano…soddium glutamit? Gosh, readin’s s’hard!

Confident right woman:

Oh no! The most fearsome consonants in the land! I still don’t know what MSG is despite your helpful clarification rendering it with less information than I had before, but utterly unverified folk-nonwisdom-hearsay has let me know it is bad in some way!

That’s right! Some hypochondriac doctor went to a Chinese restaurant 40 years ago and wrote a letter to a medical journal and that proved MSG caused the holocaust, nine-eleven and Delgo!

The famous Robert Ho Man Kwok? As far as I can tell he never followed up on or was in any way pressed to prove his claim.

Because MSG killed him! And PROGRESSO is putting it in SOUP! And so are we I mean Campbell’s but not this particular variety they are advertising at the moment.

Is there anyone who can save us?

BRAAAND POWER! The world’s most trusted name in ads disguised as consumer advocacy reports that inexplicably only air during advertising blocks and are the same every time!

Hooray for brands and their power!

Oh, lombard street! This year I resolved to always wait until arbitrary declarations of number-change to attempt to stop my bad habits, so I guess I’ll have to keep requesting infirmity until 2010.

Here’s a hint to tell you a company hack might be behind something: if each and every trademark is acknowledged every single time. Is this the brand power website or the back of a box of Froot Loops?

Phrases like “sponsored by [the company whose junk we’re pushing]” are also generally worth looking into. Adding some vaguely named company ending in “group” or solutions” is merely zesty monosodium glutamate flavoring in the mix to guarantee its irresistability.

Though experts consistently agree I am no commercial artist, I am yet fascinated by the incredibly efficient buchanan group logo. That being a bee (B) with a head which is a G, the G’s open space also functioning as pleasant highlight with a normal background and a violent hemorrhage in the actual very red ad.

Notice how the woman at the front page morphs mightily depending on what place your cursor fondles the flag of. Make sure you choose the one you most closely resemble. If you are a man, why don’t you go out and split logs or something. Don’t you know shopping is woman’s work? If you want, punish yours for using the internet unsupervised.
This is not simply showing you regional spoke-people, your agent under cover, behind enemy lines, under siege, a time to kill; none have names attached, they are just hobos pulled out of boxes, well explaining their passion for the first bowl of soup they get. If they were in any way identified you might be able to look them up and find out what they were actually qualified for. Also, as far as I can tell, in the actual ad clips they’re all lost on the same supermarket set.

I do like the Philipine woman, for having something of a look of disgust in her avatar and also for evidently being the same person as the one on the package of the product she sells.

Although she’s not really selling anything, I suppose, since you practically get it for free.
It is further worth observing that the artist in residence didn’t finish whiting out the boxes of Tide in the background. Hey, it’s a rigorous job.


Google, that’s just rude.

9 Responses
  1. 1
    10:38 am, January 16, 2009

    A citizen of the country of Middle East sez:

    The Robby Buchanan song has long haunted the hidden corners of my memory, choosing only the most inopportune moments to come to light. I always found it bizarre how instantaneous, unanimous, and indeed cruelly excessive the reaction against Mr. Buchanan was, as well. The laughable illogic of it all much reminds me of an anti-insurance fraud billboard (part of a much larger campaign run during my childhood) which insisted one should not commit the crime in question lest one’s children be mocked at school by there peers therefor–presupposing that most children of school age even have a clear conception of what insurance fraud is.

    Contrary to the above fabricated individual, I became aquainted with MSG in its unabridged edition long before I ever learned of the abbreviated form, though I must confess in my early days I knew of it primarily as a fun thing to say, rather than for any supposedly harmful effects. This too developed its own side association, namely a Zippy the Pinhead comic in which the title character declares that “MSG is th’ spice of life”, though this tends to be called back into memorial existence more by use of the phrase “spice of life” rather than any mention of the compound itself.

  2. 2
    1:35 pm, January 16, 2009

    Zuidfwewm sez:

    I had heard of monosodium glutamate and not thought anything worse about it than hydrogenated corn oil or high fructose corn syrup. If anything I was glad it wasn’t corn. Eventually I started seeing “MSG” and wondered what this frightful sinster Soviet spy agency was doing to my food. What a relieving let down it was to discover MSG is just another dumb old dorito component.

    Supposedly a “study” was completed which linked misig to obesity, but saturated fat and cholesterol are also linked to, rather synonymous with obesity. And yet aside from the occasional questionable Subway Restaruants advertisement I never see anyone mocking their competitors over fat content or citizens fleeing in panic from mentions of it. There are people who are proud of the fat in the food they eat. There’s a chain of joints called Fat Burger, for beet’s sake. There was a televised food-preparing program called Two Fat Ladies until one of them died [from lung cancer, but I assumed it was because she was fat and believe most other people also did but didn’t let that affect their behavior]. Fat’s fine. Hey, no msg! ARRRRRRGHCARBS!

    Also, this study is from 2008, so I reckon we’re due for three more studies disproving it any day now.

    When looking for the exact cable quote –I never, and likely never would have, figured out “strictly revolta” on my own, neither of which being words which belong in that sentence– I came across some frightful p-d-f containing the text of several anti-cable ads and they both contained a version of the remark “people like him RUIN tv reception and WE get stuck with high cable prices.” Rather than the cable company itself saying “we’re charging you more for cables because we give so much for free to bums who don’t pay,” it tries to convince me the people who pay the prices would use such rationale on their own. “The cable company didn’t WANT to raise prices, it HAD to. Maybe it didn’t even really raise the prices. Those just went up on their own because of cable thieves! Nobody likes a cable thief! Where’s mah torch?!”

    I, as a child, knew some people who stole cable. Or rather I knew they had some illegal setup going on, but I didn’t associate it with stealing or thievery. I thought they’d just turned some dials or moved a few wires around and it perplexed me that it could be unlawful to fix some pre-broken piece of equipment in your home. When I heard it was illegal I suspected any day now The Police would be along to arrest everybody and didn’t want such a device in my own home, but as long as theirs worked I liked it because I could go there and watch the Royal Rumble. Although even that I didn’t realize until years later that I had only seen such television events due to the illegal setup. I do not recall the entry in the cable thief persona non grata series featuring children, alas, and even if I had seen it this would have been far too late, but I wonder, if I had, how that would have changed things, the impressionable, deplorable child that I was.
    Nicky, are you stealing cable?
    Stop calling me Nicky, my name is Mike.
    Hey, wanna draw Joey n Ian gettin dead?
    We haven’t done that in four years. I actually like Ian better than you now.
    Why did you move to this weird housing development? I never see you anymore.
    Because Ian will be driving before you.

  3. 3
    9:26 am, January 17, 2009

    A box of Near East brand rice pilaf sez:

    (Apparently I can’t post images here)

  4. 4
    1:20 pm, January 17, 2009

    Zuidfwewm sez:

    I would bestow upon you bimshwel’s highest honor if it had any.

  5. 5
    6:28 am, January 20, 2010

    Vyvanse. Trackbacked With:


    Vyvanse for adults. Vyvanse….

  6. 6
    1:39 pm, February 2, 2010

    Methotrexate. Trackbacked With:

    Methotrexate and molar pregnancy….

    Methotrexate and tbd. Methotrexate serious side effects. Methotrexate. Methotrexate enbro….

  7. 7
    5:18 pm, August 30, 2010

    Clailitrame sez:

    I enjoyed reading your blog. Keep it that way.

  8. 8
    7:40 pm, September 2, 2010

    Frubaklop sez:

    The robots are getting somewhat intimidating now.

  9. 9
    2:30 am, September 3, 2010

    1 cup grated cheese sez:

    I blame Pigbuster and his suggestions for robot exclusion.

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