January 27, 2008

Boing

Wow, I can’t believe Meet the Spartans opened “yesterday.” Not so much that I can’t believe it would be allowed to open at all, I just feel like I’ve been seeing its ads for two years. To put that in perspective, I’ve only been seeing ads for Strange Wilderness for six months.
I’ll not give it credit for breaking the naming convention of its forebears, as that only happened because epic movie was such a failure, the unmistakable mistake of a sequel wanted to trick us into thinking it wasn’t that which it had no problem with being. I guess they reason, sure it’s obnoxious, stuffed with overused, underthought topical acknowledgments which aren’t quite jokes, all of which will be in the spartan-like assault force of ads, why don’t we give it a different name? Why they’d choose an even worse naming convention is just because they’re bad bad people.


Excuse me my good man, but is this the sequel to Epic Movie?

No, look at the name. It’s the sequel to Meet the Deedles.

Cor, what a scoop! Color me deedled!

Ha ha, fooled you! It really is the sequel to Epic Movie.

Say, this movie is swell! I’m glad you deceived me!

Carmen Electra is in it, that’s all the proof you need.
A better question, really, is why, if the previous fared miserably, and everybody hated it/them, it gets a sequel at all. Why are these being made? Who watched any of the previous movies and said “your antics amuse me. Here, have 30 million dollars to make another movie with.”? Ehhh, but that much is known. Part of it is said to have come from Regency Enterprises, which also funded a real who’s that of the movies I’ve complained about the existences of or merely wanted to plus Fight Club. Epic Movie, Firehouse Dog, Big Momma’s House 2, Deck the Halls, things I did not think there could be any connection between aside from my scorn. Regency also funds “Baby First TV,” and that stuff is always loathsome, with typically as much non-market research driven thought behind it. I truly do not understand. Let’s go to the phones. Klube from Mipwip Junction, you’re on the air.



Don’t you see? “1984” is happening! Meet the Spartans is the two minute hate! It trained in seclusion for 22 years to swell to 4200% its previous size.
Sir, turn off your radio, please.
Also, FDR let Pearl Harbor happen! JFK tripped on his shoelace! OJ did 9/11! Spencer Nilsen ruined Sonic CD!
Sir, sir, could you please turn off your radio! Oh dear.
Well that situation is unlikely. There are also a great many things I hate which Regency was not involved with. I simply hate many many things. They fund what they think people will purchase tickets for, and that’s as far as it goes.

And George Orwell, fortunately, was wrong in guessing men who want power would be able to by now have separated themselves from their undoing agent, the craving for wealth. “They” would never give us Epic Movie for free, and that is why they will always fail. Although some of the ads feel like two minutes, there is at this time no penalty for not watching them. Not horribly long ago I read some mumbling and bungling about technology to force unskippable ads into dvd movies, and it’s already implemented in some fashion, but it can’t force anyone to care. Not yet. And they only do it because they want money, not to make us hate imaginary enemies as a distraction from our real problems. They don’t respect us that much. Also, that would alienate potential customers.

Elections are a different matter, because only citizens may vote. The next time a politician insists gays are signing up children in the streets and another proposes a bill to ban streets rather than investigate the charge, and that the ghost of Saddam Hussein is after not just yellow cake but our vast natural deposits of chocolate cake as well, and so we ought to devote all our resources to producing a cake so big that it cannot be stolen, be glad you live in a country where the government respects you. And if you don’t you may also find things to be glad about. I realize this paragraph has no foundation in reality but I bet I could get applause if I ended a commencement speech with it.



2 Responses
  1. 1
    6:12 pm, January 29, 2008

    Yamamanama sez:

    You think they’ll call the next one Sci Fi Movie?

    It might mess with the “a bad sci-fi movie is better than a mediocre comedy” conjecture I have.

  2. 2
    3:05 am, January 30, 2008

    Rinslid sez:

    I thought that about a year ago, but evidently I was incorrect. However, I believe if the brilliant writer director duo are allowed to make another film, and for whatever reason revert to the old naming policy, the next will delve even further into unchallenged miscatergorization by making Reality Movie. Considering how much of what we’re shown of these films consist of dopey celebrities, youtube meems and plotless gag-connecting rubble, it shouldn’t be too hard to fill the remainder of the time with the same thing, that which people thoughtlessly refer to as “reality.” It will be like a 90 minute episode of The Soup, except you have to leave your home and pay money to see it and it’s really horrible. Also, I’m told there will be a great deal of fecal matter and vomit, always assets.

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