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Questionable artwork and pedantic miscellany
May 18, 2010
When everyone’s a vampire, humans are farmed for BLOOD

Also, when I referred to the Disney Robin Hood as “the movie that probably turned more kids of this generation gay than any other,” I had written that specifically to amuse myself and meant to remove it, I merely forgot to. I fully acknowledge that it doesn’t make sense. I could say it turned them “furry,” but that’s not generally regarded as a major social demographic and the word isn’t as funny to say people “turned” into it. This is worth acknowledging, also, because I tend to have a big problem when people get all homophobic or apparently so up in the general vicinity of my business and I don’t think I have established my position, to myself or anyone else clearly enough that AGHRRRRRRR I’VE BEEN CASHEWED

===========================================

and I am back from my outing.

speaking of backs…

OH NO! BAXTER STOCKMAN!

As for where I went,

“Safety” as in me not feeling compelled to search through the 514 pictures I took for sequential usable material, since I’m no good at that stuff these days.

There’s danger everywhere. And this wasn’t even “there;” I saw this near the train station after I got back to New Haven. Be vigilant!

There was a series of these but I assumed, erroneously, that they were blatant and stupid enough for somebody else online to have cataloged them already

Ooh, that thar be the golden gate bridge. I get it, I know where I am now. I must be in a hokey disaster movie.


I just hope the people I was visiting got home safely! It’s more fun to watch this stuff on television. Hey, maybe they should



Take the express to tasty! I think that’s what that says. I know it’s in San Francisco, but “take the express to teste” seems like it would be considered a bit crass. It is a city populated by real people, not tacky movie stereotypes. All the same I choose not to ponder the composition of the white fluid there.

No no, do not go there!

I’m pretty sure this is a JAIL.

Don’t you know, razor wire (which is a genericized trademark) is not for train stations…


It is for playgrounds. You’ll be surprised to know that this is also actually in New Haven.
Also, do not confuse the fence topping-material with barbed wire; barbed wire came to prominence as a way of deterring domesticated animals from leaving enclosures. Razor wire’s sole purpose is to maim humans.


Oh, OH. Excuse me for KNOWING stuff.



April 1, 2010
Better watch out for those man-eating jackrabbits and that killer cacti. Hey, dude.

You agree with me that 1 am is way too late for the idiots a block over from me to be blasting corny music all over the place, don’t you?

==================================================

Dear loyal bimshwel customers: I’m deadHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH APRULFOOOOUHAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHG I’VE BEEN SHOT


HA HA NO I HAVEN’T!GOTCHA THAT TIME AYPRALLL FOOOOOOOOHHHHHHNOOOOO I’VE BEEN SHOT AGAIN!

NOPE NOT REALLY! HA HA HA HOOOGOSH DEAR FLOOPITY I’VE LAUGHED SO HARD I’VE CAUSED MYSELF
MORTAL INJURY NO I HAVEN’T

HA HA HA HO NOW IS THE TIME WHEN I LAUGH NO IT ISN’t YES IT IS HA HA HA H


And now I am sad.
YES INDEEDNO NOT REALLY


 
 



January 4, 2009
Doot doot sonic warrior, deep in space and time


It seems like only one hundred seventeen posts ago I was remarking upon how it had only been one post since the last year. And now it has been another. At least that is what it seems like. I will let you know if solid, reliable evidence surfaces, and you can tell me whether or not to flush it.



April 26, 2008
He was an excellent rider from age four and quit school to join the rodeo at age twelve.




Am I wrong to assume these might as well be the same album? All that matters are the bodiless, earless heads of bored wavy-haired women in touch with their spirits and who they are.
Yef, I get it. You are your own person and you do what you want to do, and if that involves being indistinguishable from your peers and making moany music perpetually pressing your word-orifice against a camera lens, then who am I to deny your right to millions of dollars?
At least Alicia Keys can play a piano to some degree which I can’t, but this other bozo appears to be another garbage pointless “cover” making contest winner. Gimpis, one of her smash hit covers, from 2006, is of “a moment like this” a song credited to but not written by Kelly Clarkson, another contest winner, in 2002. Do we really need remakes of overproduced melodramusic less than five years old? True, I assumed that song was from the 70s or something and that I’d been hearing it my whole life but… that’s just the point. There’s nothing interesting going on. I couldn’t honestly tell you which one I heard in an ad for what product.

I’m confused by life. People all over de waruld love and enjoy and make inescapable things I find dull or repulsive. I feel so lost, mentally, lately. Unlike the featured ahtists, sometimes I don’t even know something as simple as who I am.


Am I Johnny Depp?

No, I’m Spiderman!

Now that’s uncalled for. All great heroes doubt themselves sometimes.



January 27, 2008
ASTERITE RING: Dropped by Saturos? NO! This was just some idiot at gamefaqs posting rumors. Don’t waste your time fighting Saturos, he will not give you anything special.

Boing

Wow, I can’t believe Meet the Spartans opened “yesterday.” Not so much that I can’t believe it would be allowed to open at all, I just feel like I’ve been seeing its ads for two years. To put that in perspective, I’ve only been seeing ads for Strange Wilderness for six months.
I’ll not give it credit for breaking the naming convention of its forebears, as that only happened because epic movie was such a failure, the unmistakable mistake of a sequel wanted to trick us into thinking it wasn’t that which it had no problem with being. I guess they reason, sure it’s obnoxious, stuffed with overused, underthought topical acknowledgments which aren’t quite jokes, all of which will be in the spartan-like assault force of ads, why don’t we give it a different name? Why they’d choose an even worse naming convention is just because they’re bad bad people.


Excuse me my good man, but is this the sequel to Epic Movie?

No, look at the name. It’s the sequel to Meet the Deedles.

Cor, what a scoop! Color me deedled!

Ha ha, fooled you! It really is the sequel to Epic Movie.

Say, this movie is swell! I’m glad you deceived me!

Carmen Electra is in it, that’s all the proof you need.
A better question, really, is why, if the previous fared miserably, and everybody hated it/them, it gets a sequel at all. Why are these being made? Who watched any of the previous movies and said “your antics amuse me. Here, have 30 million dollars to make another movie with.”? Ehhh, but that much is known. Part of it is said to have come from Regency Enterprises, which also funded a real who’s that of the movies I’ve complained about the existences of or merely wanted to plus Fight Club. Epic Movie, Firehouse Dog, Big Momma’s House 2, Deck the Halls, things I did not think there could be any connection between aside from my scorn. Regency also funds “Baby First TV,” and that stuff is always loathsome, with typically as much non-market research driven thought behind it. I truly do not understand. Let’s go to the phones. Klube from Mipwip Junction, you’re on the air.



Don’t you see? “1984” is happening! Meet the Spartans is the two minute hate! It trained in seclusion for 22 years to swell to 4200% its previous size.
Sir, turn off your radio, please.
Also, FDR let Pearl Harbor happen! JFK tripped on his shoelace! OJ did 9/11! Spencer Nilsen ruined Sonic CD!
Sir, sir, could you please turn off your radio! Oh dear.
Well that situation is unlikely. There are also a great many things I hate which Regency was not involved with. I simply hate many many things. They fund what they think people will purchase tickets for, and that’s as far as it goes.

And George Orwell, fortunately, was wrong in guessing men who want power would be able to by now have separated themselves from their undoing agent, the craving for wealth. “They” would never give us Epic Movie for free, and that is why they will always fail. Although some of the ads feel like two minutes, there is at this time no penalty for not watching them. Not horribly long ago I read some mumbling and bungling about technology to force unskippable ads into dvd movies, and it’s already implemented in some fashion, but it can’t force anyone to care. Not yet. And they only do it because they want money, not to make us hate imaginary enemies as a distraction from our real problems. They don’t respect us that much. Also, that would alienate potential customers.

Elections are a different matter, because only citizens may vote. The next time a politician insists gays are signing up children in the streets and another proposes a bill to ban streets rather than investigate the charge, and that the ghost of Saddam Hussein is after not just yellow cake but our vast natural deposits of chocolate cake as well, and so we ought to devote all our resources to producing a cake so big that it cannot be stolen, be glad you live in a country where the government respects you. And if you don’t you may also find things to be glad about. I realize this paragraph has no foundation in reality but I bet I could get applause if I ended a commencement speech with it.



October 20, 2007
In the 1870’s, John Lawson Johnston invented ‘Johnston’s Fluid Beef’, later renamed Bovril.

I recently implied a person’s brain to have “ruptured” following my display of a minor editorial oversight by the person. That was probably a tad uncalled for. It was, in fact, originally intended to follow a different, considerably dumber passage which indicted “manga nuts” in addition to the other two culprits, but then I realized I had just read it wrong, so it was only kind of dumb, and so omitted it altogether.

Ehhh!

SINCE WHEN is [the] Nightmare Before Christmas a Disney movie? I hate that. And they brought in the kooshbrain HELLY POTHUH announcer to narrate the stupid lying ad. I don’t give a boot if Touch-tone Pictures is Disney pretending it isn’t Disney. I still think that’s really sleazy to distance yourself from a production until it’s proven an ability to make money and then pretending you had been putting your name before it all along. While it does not imply the usual Disney ownership, limiting him to a role as post-mortem presenter while leaving in place the original “Tim Burton’s,” it must be acknowledged that Mr. Burton’s name is smaller and in a less legible font.

The best that came from Disney’s rare exhibition of shame was delaying the idiotic tie/cash-in video games long enough for me to hate video games and for Capcom to get the contract again (twelve years, from the looks of things), just because I’m selfless like that. Thus 1993 me was protected from another highly available acid-drip and drown pool dodging heed stomp-fest, and more importantly the worst possible music treatment when M. Sorbo played the worst possible adaptation on his Game-Gear every day during my and a select few other students’ daily hour-long, short-bus expeditions to Foundation School and subsequent half hour waits behind other buses in the dropoff line. The trip would have been much shorter, but M. Sorbo was the only member of the entire “school” from North Haven, leaving the town unwilling to provide a vehicle, but apparently East Haven is really nice as long as you aren’t black people. At least I hated the songs from The Lion King anyway.


I’ve never seen such a quick transition from overexcited back of box copy to self-unconsciously ridiculous fan reminiscing. On other websites than wikipedia.
I love that the writer tells me this Oogie character is a Disney villain allied with Malfeasance, but not that “artificial heart” means something beside the common, seventy-year old use of the term outside of a recent video game which the writer otherwise assumes I know nothing about. To someone familiar with the film but not Kingdom Hearts, for whom the paragraph is intended, else irrelevance, it seems that Mr. Boogehhh ate a lump of metal and plastic and attempted to procure nourishment from it, an act more moronic than villainous. Jack is the real monster for ordering the donor-waiting to do his trivial bidding in exchange for their very survival through use of his untested prototype, all the while knowing even the most sophisticated, non-grubby skeleton medical technology has not yet devised a long lasting replacement for the popular blood pumping organ and that the transplantation itself has a 21% chance of failure. Who’s the real “heartless” here?

Is it the combination of being a wikipedia editor and a Kingdom Hearts fan which causes people’s brains to rupture? Or is it just being a Kingdom Hearts fan? I won’t deny, it looks potentially enjoyable, but it has a truly unfortunate effect on people.
I neither wish to use the game nor can I read about it for more than ten seconds without reflexorily shouting something like “give me a break!” And I never get one1! Yet I keep trying, because all this talk about hearts, darkness and dark hearts (not to mention tart carts when I discussed Foundation School) obviously suggest it is an unofficial sequel to Heart of Darkness, and I’m intrigued as to Donald Duck’s sinister relationship with wicked ivory traders in the Belgian Congo, the idea of which is slightly less ridiculous than some kid wearing clown shoes beating up Sephiroph with a big key for twelve minutes every single related video clip I’ve tried to watch or read the description for.



While I don’t care but I’ll talk about it for hours for a year. How can someone who writes this much only do it this well? More worrisome is that most of the Paul Sephirothchild videos start with… well, they start with showing me various STAT screens, but eventually Big S shows up and asks something like “did you deliver my message?” I know within one confrontational malformed run-on sentence whoever uploads these clips aren’t people I trust with any words, least of all my own.

Every time I see the phrase “King Mickey” I want to scream. But I don’t. So thank me, people downstairs.

I mean, if anything, it should be King Michael.

I really want to stop thinking about this.

1Edit! At approximately 8:45 pm, eastern standard time, somebody gave me a Kit Kat bar, quite without my asking. God works in mysterious, stupid ways.



September 8, 2007
He can hold twelve golf balls in one hand!

I’ve drawn some embarrassing pictures over the years, and I hide them, but it occurs to me that when I get sent to crazy prison, for good this time, my personal archaeologists will probably be amused/horrified a lot more by all the stupid, simple, mundane things I never got rid of. Hopefully my 1991 Nintendo Power magazines will be gone by then.

There is a bag of “flavor twists” fritos in front of me which for whatever reason I didn’t finish, and I’m sure they must be stale by now, but I can’t see to their disposal until I check for certain. I keep thinking “well, the ones below the surface might not be totally stale yet, so…” and then I leave it there some more. As I type, or rather inbetween bursts of that, I am emptying several Wendy’s salt packlets into a larger container.

I’ve too often heard the warning: “don’t judge a book by its cover.” Aren’t I meant to judge a book by its cover? If the cover bears a picture and a title? Even if the author did not choose and even hated the cover image, whoever did pick it up intended that I get some idea from it. So there.

You could judge an audio book by an audio cover, but there aren’t audio covers! Sometimes I will awake with a thought that seems terribly profound, and will insist on writing it somewhere immediately. On one occasion the thought was about audio books. And there you are.

I love reading April editions of magazines in March. It’s like looking into the future. Otherwise, why the elk are they labelled like that? It’s a bit like when I go to an Australian website and it tells me the time is 10 am the next day. I’m just kidding, of course. I hate magazines.

Why, on keyboards, is O so close to 0? That needlessly complicates things.

Did Jackson Pollock have a washing machine, or did he sell all his paint-soiled clothes? If he did that, he could easily afford to buy new ones.

Not only does the Bat-Man lack superpowers, the fake ears are an increased liability

My pain is magenta.

Few phrases make me less want to eat than “mouth-watering.” I’ve never known there to be so many ads in circulation at the same time using that line. I’ve heard it for steak, for gum, and for beer, but one of these days it’s going to be made to refer to a thing I’d actually want, and then I’m not going to anymore. I know plant watering means to pour water into a plant. How am I supposed to eat food when some twunk is standing over me with a watering can?

Is there a better phrase for “watering can?” It sounds like the name of an Asian cartoon series that has nothing to do with watering cans and that actual English speaking fans refuse to acknowledge sounds retarded.
Watering Can Scuba W: Remember me Densely

At least motel Ramada is better than hotel Rwanda

=============================================================

11-29-2011: this one hid from the robots for a long time!



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them`s fightin` woids: September 20, 2019
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September 19, 2019
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September 15, 2019
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I enjoy the unexplained inconsistencies moments as well! Please continue those, for...
September 13, 2019
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