a perhaps needless clarification: I do not hate religious people. I hate when religions themselves seek to control people with threats and encourage them to hurt each other, which as far as I can tell all religions do, and I have no respect for that.
//////////////////////////

this time of year i see manishevvitz products more prominently at the grocery store. i recognize the name because some dumb late night show(s) I used to watch would make jokes about “drinking manishewitz” –because as the wise philosopher Adam Sandler once pointed out, “so many Jews are in show biz”– so I knew it was some kind of wine that you have to drink if you get jewish. But apparently Manischebbitz isn’t the wine itself but the brand which sells the wine, and they have stuff other than that because in Connecticut and theoretically other places, it is illegal to sell wine in a supermarket, and the Manicshevorlet company thus needs some way to remind Jewish people that they have to go buy the Manischewbacca wine at another store before it’s too late.
Thankfully i am not afflicted with religion so I do not suffer such a fate. Religion is like diabetes for your personality. The authorities want you to endlessly pay for and suffer through dumb traditions that you will never be free from, be too busy worrying about what rules you might violate to consider if the rules have any practical purpose, much as pharmaceutical and food companies pay off the american diabetes association to recommend insulin and disgusting splenda that they can charge whatever they want for rather than recommend eating fewer carbohydrates so you never stop having to buy insulin and splenda from them. maybe that is a stretch of a metaphor but the important thing is that unfortunately seeing Manishevitz reminds me that it could easily have been Manishnemitz.


(trashover is a sorriday in which there is a lot of trash going on and you want it over. manishnemitz is one of the leading suspected causes)

When you are serving manishnemitz, don’t bother opening the door and pouring a cup for Elijah since you know he isn’t showing up. a shut door also discourages more fuzzy imps who now think they are welcome from entering.

if i see a bottle of manishnemitz at the store, i smash it on the ground! it isn’t fair to the store staff who have to clean it up but the store itself should never dared to have stocked it. what a horrible idea. what’s next, manishdope? i don’t mind telling you, I REFUSE to drink manishnemitz. i won’t even drink womanishnemitz. I don’t know what the difference is in that context but more people want me to draw men than women characters and the men ones are usually designed grosser and fetishier.

the worst part about manischnemitz wine: it isn’t even kosher. if it is made by dumb imps, particularly ones with pig noses, there is no way it is “clean.” do you think people drink manishewitz because it tastes good? it probably tastes awful! you just HAVE to drink it. i bet 4 out of 5 sederers say the WORST part about passover is having to drink manishewitz, you just DO because it is kosher and a gang of rabbis will pull themselves out of your hats and circumcise your fingers if you don’t drink it, and you ALSO have to wear hats. I learned that from Fiddler on the Roof. That is almost as scary as laser wolves.

and i worry if someone at the supermarket hears me mumbling about manishnemitz and thinks i am being anti-semitic. no i am only anti-nemitic. i realize this is anti-semite fluorish season to give slightly less-right-wing-creeps something to point at as an excuse to keep equating middle-east-except-israel-residency-or-ancestry with terrorism and continue not being held responsible for decades of trooping, shooting and looting wherever they feel like over there and causing such a disaster that leaving and letting the goshdang taliban come back seemed relatively prudent long enough for them to do it and wash their hands of it, but I am here to talk about something much more important, how a brand of wine’s name sounds sort of like that of a cartoon character that I draw.

And i can’t just THINK about manishnemitz, *I* need to hear me complaining to know how it sounds and to stop thinking about it. But I also had to remember it so I could tell you about it. Very important.