May 7, 2008

I wish I could say I’m off my medication, but I’ve been off it for nine years. Wooo0°o°0ooo0°o°0o! Mystérieux! I also haven’t been in an America Online chatroom in about as long and I miss making neat designs with letters and things.

Once again I’ve typed all this junk up and held it captive hoping it would improve without that happening. This is three page-downs of letters I can no longer tolerate the mental stench of knowing I have made but not used, so here, you deal with them. Do you enjoy being my personal dumpster?

What were the chances somebody involved with Comedy Central marketing was passing through Salt Lake City the week this came out?

That show Root of All Evil makes me mad. Even though I haven’t seen it in two weeks I remember that it made me mad. It is such a smug and annoying assemblage. Any legitimate non-internet broadcast with an introduction sequence made with Jibjab technology should raise my red flags, but I’m no commie! I will not allow myself to be manipulated!
But then, how do I keep getting dragged into this grrash? More and more I’m finding the likes of Superfriends and Transformers funnier than any of the intentional comedy shows with dumb mob audiences I get exposed to in these days. Am I losing my mind or at last finding it? Root (all the cool kids just call it Root) I only liked when Patton Oswalt was on it because just his voice is funny and I was pretty sure going into this that I did not hate him. If not for that established familiarity I could have turned the thing right off and not worried about articulating my mild bepeevement. Renk you, Patton! I can’t even remember what he and his adversary Greg Giraldo were misdebating. I have vague memories of enjoying some of Gigi’s work years ago, but on these recent occasions he’s just reminded me of Dennis Miller, with the high pitched monotone run-on sentences which might theoretically be funny but I’m too annoyed by various circumstances to laugh at.

Maybe I’m just making myself hate the whole thing because I’m so sick of television. Maybe I have an allergic reaction to the Battlebots/ Drawn Together/ Mind of Mencia timeslot (I suppose I ought to be grateful the Root Troop doesn’t yell at its audience for not laughing the way Carlos does). This is where they put the shows that are supposed to be redd hot stuff but that I somehow find especially irritating and then complain about in insufferable detail to no one in particular, as if it’s my destiny. I should at least get a light-saber or some other essential destiny-meeting implement.

So they bring up two topics with nothing to do with each other and declare one worse and then forget about it. Perhaps birthdays are more evil than cigarettes. But are they more evil than boiled hot dogs? I don’t know! There should be a tournament or a scoring system or something! How many root points do kazoos get?

It’s set up to resemble a court room and proceedings, although it looks like it’s in the Weakest Link studio, and the format doesn’t work because the things on “trial” aren’t necessarily at odds with each other. First, they’re both evil, supposedly. After first, a trial suggests one of them made the challenge in seek of reparations for a wrong rendered. Yet surely Dick Cheney doesn’t care who Paris Hilton is and Paris Hilton probably thinks the vice president is Dom Irrera. I was trying to think of that guy from Miami Vice whose name is Don, but I couldn’t remember and that suits this just fine.

The setup of contentiousness is flawed. You can’t bring someone out saying that one bad thing is bad and another is good just for the sake of being contrary. Or you can, but these people don’t have the Colbert expert faux phoniness to pull it off. Also, even as this nation’s foremost expert on being angry while pointing in the air, Lewis Black addressed exclusively as “your honor” for twenty one minutes is enough to shame even my most venerable Chinese ancestors.

The segment called “ripple of evil” has the comicians describe how the world will turn out if the selected “evil” is not eradicated entirely. But instead of attempting poignance it veers into irrelevance, but not absurd funny irrelevance. Like maybe if we don’t stop the Hamburglar then all humans will evolve into gummy bears as a result of a protein deficiency. Well no. There are other sources of protein than just meat, than just beef, than just beef in hamburgers, and a protein deficiency is unlikely to cause such a transformation anyhow, so most people will be safe (cows are still doomed). Flawed logic all around. It’s like what i do when I don’t have an ending, Except i work alone, for free, and regularly regret it. I don’t know if there are writers or if the performers prepare their own material, but whatever it is they should try the other way.

Did you know Donald Trump puts his name on buildings and has funny looking hair? Truly? Ah, we see that it is so!
And Paris Hilton, apparently she’s dumb! but she’s hawwt! but she isn’t! Her head looks like an Easter Island moai because of the surgery and botox and shippo barriers rich gopes like her live their lives on. Let’s challenge!

Last week it was Tila Tequila or Tito Taquito or something versus Kim Jong Il. I didn’t even know who the first person was. Eventually that was explained and it seemed to me at the time that if you care about her influence at all, you’ve missed… something. I used to complain about that Hilton a lot because I knew who she was but felt I should not have. If Teetee here is just evil by virtue of being another overpromoted skank in an era of over-promoted skanks and pre-skanks who pretend they aren’t destined to become skanks and then suddenly surprise no one when they reveal themselves as skanks, then she’s hardly the worst of the lot, if me who knows everything I wish I didn’t, didn’t. Lewis Black ruled immediately at the thing’s conclusion that Dear Leader Mr. Kim is obviously more evil because he’s a decadent hypocritical kidnapping murdering dictator and not just some twit from outer myspace. Black seemed almost offended to have had to make the decision, and that was probably scripted. Otay. So even the program’s host and ostensible creator isn’t buying the premise. He could have spoke up twenty minutes ago and saved everyone a bunch of trouble and me a whole pile of paragraphs. Nothing is proven like this. Even Kitten War decisions have more weight.

And… if this is the ROOT of ALL evil, what else is there to discuss? Obviously next week’s contestants can be traced back to it and aren’t truly responsible for their corrupt alignment. I watched four different roots and I saw no connection, beyond that I wished I had not watched four times. But how could I know for certain with less? That’s how many issues of Bone I read before I liked it. Lewis Black, how does it feel you know you failed the bone test? I sentence you to spend four half hours as a skeleton.

I’m so confused. How am I supposed to make sense of things when I’m more annoyed at Patton Oswalt for being on a tv show that complains about things I admit I hate than a pointless celebrity voice in a Disney movie and Michael Jackson’s fave?

Have I been spoiled by watching Boston Legal? Am I dissatisfied because I use that as my fake tv-court benjimark rather than Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown and Judge Maplethorpe and The Honorable Judgecicle? These here on the Comedy Central are comedians, after all, not professional tv writers collaborating to make a point or tell a story. Except Boston Legal has made itself funnier, too, despite being classified as “dramedy” which sounds like a digestive illness and having twice as much time to fill. Additionally, it now seems to be airing on Wednesdays, raising the difficult question which of these I’d rather watch if forced to make a choice. And with bimshwel all-star Carlos Mencia soon baa-aaack on the air, just because I happened to type his name earlier, this decision can only become difficulter. It must be noted that nothing good is ever baa-aaack.

Could this guy be any more proud of himself? I doubt he even built those big steel letters. I have to think that if the bow tie animal was a comedian Carlos would be ripping off its material.

4 Responses
  1. 1
    9:57 pm, May 7, 2008

    Frank O'Phone sez:

    If your television annoys you so much, you would probably do well to pay less attention to it. It could help.

    And I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who likes Carlos Mencia, with the sole exception of Carlos Mencia, whom I’ve never actualy met, and, in a ideal world, will never have the misfortune of meeting in the future.

  2. 2
    2:07 am, May 8, 2008

    Splachtempf sez:

    I certainly watch less now than I did three months ago. The problem is when a group of people who I expect to know better come together and disappoint me in what I regard as a particularly profound fashion. Which would still be fine if I didn’t become aware of every single way I was bothered and record them and show people. And that leads to an interesting phenomenomoenom I call trickle-down disappointment.

    Recently, an autism-themed filmmaker who requires considerable explanation told me I should “try stand-up,” something I’ve probably never been told by anyone I eventually had a long-term positive opinion of. I attempted to explain to her that I could not be a comedian because much of that involves simplified understanding or total nonsense that you force on the audience and base your jokes off of (this was before my Earth Week breakdown), using the horrible improvised example of how much Mexicans love toy trains. You know how those Mexicans are with their toy trains. Always playing with the toy trains, you know? You ever try to take a toy train from a Mexican? Maaaaaaan! She mistakenly thought I was talking about racists (I presume; I didn’t realize she was wrong until she’d finished the sentence with something else I thought was wrong.) and told me how great Carlos Mencia is and that I should definitely check him out. I can’t remember what happened after that.

  3. 3
    7:04 am, May 8, 2008

    Patty O'Furniture sez:

    Perhaps “great” = “large” = “fat”, and “check him out” was intended in the “check out of a hotel” sense, and thus serves as a sinister euphemism for “moidah da bum”.

  4. 4
    2:21 am, May 10, 2008

    Splachtempf sez:


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