I say, old fruit, will your chum be along soon? It really is getting on for time. This fellow, is he a reliable sort, what?

Oh, jolly good.

It’s not there! Don’t you understand? Brigadoon is gone! You aren’t going to find it!

Oh, gee, shanksh for the head-ups too late to stop me from reading the ending! I might as well not even watch now! Imdb staff really ought to change the screening policy!

Zounds! And I’d never have guessed his secret identity, but now I’ve been denied the opportunity to try altogether!

Is anyone still fooled by these? With dithered title-bar colors and a windows 95 logo? Windows 95 couldn’t even do the title-bar color shifting! That was Windows 98! Oh ho! And my critique is not finished! Hey, the last computer I had which ran typically in 256 color mode wouldn’t have been able to fit this ad on its screen at all, much less connect directly to the internet, because that was in 1994, in a yet earlier version of Windows, and this sort of sinistry wasn’t yet so common that people no longer thought to be disgusted by it! And real message boxes certainly don’t jump around! Arrrgh! This ad is utterly illogical! Everything about it is stupid and thoughtless! Why is my winning designated by an angry red x-circle? And shouldn’t the visitor after 999,999 be the winner? Why is there a maximize button on this ad? Doesn’t anyone pay attention to their craft? Is this the job you get if you don’t?

Sprite comics sold out! I’m only surprised this didn’t happen sooner. We’ve been getting ads intentionally designed to resemble cheap, hacky flash cartoons for years. I find it peculiar that the designer of this used the Sonic Hedgehog 2 first level as backdrop but Sonic Advance character images. I presume the older graphics were instantly obvious as more inventive and appealing, yet it was generally accepted that the post megadrive gangle-legged Sonic characters are 300% whorier than the originals (in any conceivable sense I may have meant that), and thus better suited for selling dopey telephones that they, as stupid naked animals would never be in position to purchase, much less afford. In fact I have it on good authority that at any sign of modern technology their first instinct is to assume a ball shape and bash themselves against it until it explodes. Surely they resent having such disablingly enormous heads as to make such tiny little telephones entirely dysfunctional. Cantinflas, even at sensible proportions they’d be out of luck with their ears in such ridiculous places. And you can forget about “texting” (please) with those giant Disney World gloves.
As for why this pair are out of scale with their surroundings, rather than referring back to the previous item’s point that the people who design internet ads surely have histories of indolent failure, this probably just happened incidentally and wasn’t expected to be noticed by anyone. I noticed! Ha ha!

Coward! Who told you my one weakness is having it suggested that my name is Phineas? I was so upset that I fell down a staircase and re-broke my leg! You win this round, shrubswine! As soon as I have my surgery I will also have my revenge!